ineke.co.uk

I'm going to write a thread about the nicest Christmas gift I ever received. I was nine years old. I think it cost the person who gave it to me about £1.50.

— Hayley Webster (@bookshaped) December 3, 2017

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
Ate them.

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) December 4, 2017

Hello and thank you to the sudden surge of new American followers. Especially the several hundred who took this tweet literally and are keen to tell me what a terrible lawyer I am. You are my favourites. https://t.co/796wdvp6nF

— The Secret Barrister (@BarristerSecret) December 4, 2017

Kids. pic.twitter.com/sSNBGRleHq

— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) December 4, 2017

Dear God, this is such an appalling breach of one of the most fundamental rules of cybersecurity. Do not share logins. Ever. Especially not at work, and double especially not if you've got any kind of national security role. I'm horrified. https://t.co/a57gscLFPw

— Kate Bevan (@katebevan) December 3, 2017

My flatmate ladies and gents… pic.twitter.com/GKsW88l8pX

— JM (@_jmdy) November 14, 2017

Off to the shops for some Christmas shopping. Happy #caturday! pic.twitter.com/moswT11Kdt

— Palmerston the Cat (@PalmerstonFOCat) December 16, 2017

RT If this is the first time you’ve heard the word “youthquake” and think someone at the OED is having a laugh https://t.co/sQgbOOjYsZ

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) December 15, 2017

There are 43,252,003,274,489,856,000 different possible combinations of the squares on a Rubik's cube.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) December 15, 2017

I know it's a religious celebration, and I know that it's important, and it's all for the children and that they all love presents and dressing up; but I'll just be glad when Star Wars is over and we can all get back to normal.

— Geraint (@geraintgriffith) December 15, 2017

No it didn't have a second question saying "do you want a soft brexit or hard brexit", nor ask views on immigration, single market and more. That's the problem!

We had a black and white vote on a rainbow of issues. It has been devastating, divisive and directionless. #bbcqt

— Martin Lewis (@MartinSLewis) December 14, 2017

An early Christmas gif from the @Airbus A380.

See how Airbus drew their tree at https://t.co/YQPtQ179tG pic.twitter.com/ah1eBzFGGY

— Flightradar24 (@flightradar24) December 13, 2017

Anyone else getting bored of members of the political establishment pretending to be outsiders? Just because you've repeatedly failed to become an MP, it doesn't mean you're not a career politician! 💤💤💤 https://t.co/bLyTnPrswu

— Caroline Lucas (@CarolineLucas) December 14, 2017

i asked this guy "How tall are you?" and he handed me this pic.twitter.com/HVoCMuPFLz

— cactus jack (@wethsworld) December 12, 2017

Good night to remind you that Twitter is the industrialisation of confirmation bias

— Amol Rajan (@amolrajanBBC) December 13, 2017

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

— L (@MrsCupcake79) December 13, 2017

I’m going to blame Catholicism for this, but any time somebody says “May The Force Be With You” I need the other person to say “And Also with You"

— Dara Ó Briain (@daraobriain) December 12, 2017

Calvin Klein kept a Pantone card in his kitchen so his chef could get the colour of his coffee exactly right.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) December 11, 2017

I want a HOME ALONE sequel where an aged Harry and Marv have to defend their nursing home against an invasion from a psychotic Kevin.

— Chris Hewitt (@ChrisHewitt) December 10, 2017

To the 53 people who've watched A Christmas Prince every day for the past 18 days: Who hurt you?

— Netflix US (@netflix) December 11, 2017

I hope you enjoy "cat startled by another cat in a bag" as much as I did pic.twitter.com/jm8DFKce3c

— Ash Warner (@AlsBoy) December 8, 2017

**Breaking news as it happens, live from North London** We have just been asked if we stock books 'for dogs'. Us: 'Do you mean for dog owners?' 'No, the dogs themselves'

— West End Lane Books (@WELBooks) December 7, 2017

Underpants decorations. pic.twitter.com/ZvD0O3YSZL

— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) December 8, 2017

Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the 1st.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the 2nd.
Bartender gives them water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

— Diane Turnshek (@DianeTurnshek) December 8, 2017

Paul McCartney wouldn't let Weird Al Yankovic write a parody of 'Live and Let Die' called 'Chicken Pot Pie' because it went against his vegetarian beliefs.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) December 8, 2017

A US study has found that when clocks are put forward due to Daylight Saving Times, the risk of having a heart attack on the following Monday increases by 25%.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) December 6, 2017

I can’t WAIT until Hillary Clinton goes to prison…
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… to visit Donald Trump.

— Jules (@jules_su) December 3, 2017