ineke.co.uk

Baby elephants suck their trunks, just as baby humans suck their thumbs. pic.twitter.com/iQqCKNhxDS

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) September 9, 2018

How the next general election would look if only 18-24s were allowed to vote (Data from @YouGov, 28-29th August). I'm expecting some great GIFs, everyone…

LAB: 66%, 600 Seats
LDM: 13%, 21 Seats
CON: 12%, 0 Seats
GRN: 4%, 1 Seat
SNP: 3%, 9 Seats
PLC: 0.4%, 1 Seat pic.twitter.com/CxaL1oBJ9u

— Election Maps UK (@ElectionMapsUK) September 4, 2018

Demi overdoses, it’s her fault bc she’s a grown woman who chose to do drugs, Mac Miller overdoses and it’s Ariana Grande’s fault bc she broke up with him. Just say you hate women and go…

— ᵂⁱᵗʰ ᵗʰᵒˢᵉ ᶠᵘᶜᵏⁱⁿ ᶜᵒʷᵍⁱʳˡ ᶠᵘᶜᵏⁱⁿ ᵇᵒᵒᵗˢ (@Deenaeeee) September 7, 2018

Damn it, what's that song called? You know the one.

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) September 9, 2018

To echo what many are saying on #WorldSuicidePreventionDay: if you resist the urge to kill yourself, a day will come when you think 'thank god I didn't'. Maybe not quickly but it does come. It did for me, it does for everyone. Keep going.

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) September 10, 2018

“Keep moving, nothing to see here.” pic.twitter.com/nVzbGKuVNq

— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) September 10, 2018

Alan Carr is named after two types of key.

— Adam Kay (@amateuradam) September 9, 2018

Cadbury stockpiles ingredients in case of a hard Brexit, anticipating the economy will be in need of a Boost.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) September 11, 2018

What's the best phrase you've heard used in a worship song? I'll start: "Ineffably sublime"

— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) September 11, 2018

"Paul and Prue have no idea who's naan breads are whose"
The person shaking whilst they eat it is probably bit of a give away#GBBO

— innocent drinks (@innocent) September 11, 2018

OK Anton you can come down now… The show's over. #Strictly. pic.twitter.com/9I4uVZVvaJ

— BBC Strictly✨ (@bbcstrictly) September 8, 2018

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
Me: Oh

— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) September 11, 2018

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don't do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

— Sinéad (@sineadaloftus) September 12, 2018

Most Tories aren’t even *this* Tory https://t.co/4Nvfg6PTuk

— Grace (@gracelizabeth3) September 10, 2018

Film pitch.. Trump drugged and moved to a replica Whitehouse, where he carries on thinking he’s governing. Millions spent on hiring actors to play his staff, Senators, news anchors, people at rallies.
There you go. Studios, your highest bid please.

— Armando Iannucci (@Aiannucci) September 5, 2018

That’s not a film plot. That’s a solution.

— Geoff williams (@Dferdog1) September 5, 2018

1) Smashing an iPad is not the action of a parent in control of a situation

2) How privileged do you have to be to destroy £££s of tech rather than donate to a local school/ charity/ hospital and think of it as nothing more than teaching the little darlings a lesson? https://t.co/46dB77vfo0

— Claire Allan 🌹 (@ClaireAllan) September 10, 2018

All these crazes about eating the right stuff to look a certain way would disappear if people went to Italy and saw everyone looking like gods on nothing but delicious carbohydrates and wine and tiramisu.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) September 11, 2018

Thanks to someone on Facebook I’ve just discovered that the lyrics to part of DJ Pied Piper’s 2002 song ‘Do You Really Like It?’ are NOT in fact “Ooh, Ayia Napa, Ayia Napa, Ayia Napa” and I’m not sure how to process this new information. pic.twitter.com/lGM8E6xY7T

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) September 14, 2018

As it's revealed UK driving licence may not be valid in EU after no-deal Brexit, Jacob Rees Mogg’s European Research Group propose a perfectly adequate solution: pic.twitter.com/HorOQFyylT

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) September 14, 2018

I’m Bryony. It was a name given to me as a small baby by my parents that I have, in the customary tradition, kept until this very day

— Bryony Gordon (@bryony_gordon) September 14, 2018

Alastair Cook’s nickname is ‘Chef’. I like how pointless that is. Same amount of letters, no discernible difference in saying it. The faintest humour.
Best nicknames – “One Size” for footballer Fitz Hall.
“Dave” for César Azpilicueta because it was easier to say.

— SimonNRicketts (@SimonNRicketts) September 9, 2018

Checkmate, Flat Earthers. pic.twitter.com/gC7KGdaQdB

— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) September 13, 2018

Our weather reports need to up their game…this will take you by surprise… pic.twitter.com/VavUGANewk

— Jake Humphrey (@mrjakehumphrey) September 13, 2018

A hero for our time.https://t.co/4Y95vJeP8I

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) September 15, 2018