ineke.co.uk

Everyone in Britain watching #Bodyguard pic.twitter.com/Mez5jA5prW

— Madeleine Le Bourdon (@DrMLeBourdon) September 23, 2018

This is like watching the world’s most stressful Ikea flatpack assembly #Bodyguard

— Zing Tsjeng (@misszing) September 23, 2018

On the plus side, he’ll definitely have got his 10,000 steps for the day. #Bodyguard

— Ben (@islandniles) September 23, 2018

I’d be willing to bet £5 that there was briefly a draft of the script where Budd cuts the wire and the bomb goes off and the credits roll. Because that would have been incredible #Bodyguard

— Greg Jenner (@greg_jenner) September 23, 2018

Imagine how easy being a detective would be if everyone confessed everything in police interviews like they’re dictating a memoir #bodyguard

— Anita Singh (@anitathetweeter) September 23, 2018

Me “shouldn’t goosebumps be called geesebump”

My local GP “is this why you requested a house call?”

Me “I didn’t want to miss Ramsay’s kitchen nightmares USA”

— Joe Wilkinson (@gillinghamjoe) September 22, 2018

WEATHER UPDATE
It's You-Can-See-Your-Own-Breath °C

— innocent drinks (@innocent) September 24, 2018

♿️↘️ pic.twitter.com/qezw5gBPM6

— Jay Foreman (@jayforeman) September 24, 2018

When I met Princess Anne at a charity event she asked me the typical Royal question,
“What do you do?”
I cheekily answered,
“I do you, m’am”
She didn’t understand.
So I said,
“I’m an impressionist ”
To which she replied,
“Oh really! Do you have an exhibition on anywhere?”
🙄😬

— Kate Robbins (@KateRobbins) September 23, 2018

I’ve just been listening to an “ex-pat” living in Spain who was complaining about immigrants in the UK. Peak-level Brexit.

— James Melville 🚜 (@JamesMelville) September 23, 2018

Thought the #Equinox was equal day/night? You've thought wrong 😉. It's today, the #Equilux where we have equal hours of day/night… ☀🌌⏰ pic.twitter.com/LwHD0usK3v

— BBC Weather (@bbcweather) September 25, 2018

Bake Off producers:
"So we've had biscuit week"
"Yep"
"And cake week"
"That's right"
"So what about biscuit AND cake week?"
"Don't be ridiculous, we can't just repeat the bakes"
"What if we call it Spice Week?"
"They'll never know"#GBBO

— innocent drinks (@innocent) September 25, 2018

Hi guys, I'm taking a break from social media for a while as I need to go & make myself a cup of tea. I'll be back in about 4 to 5 minutes, but I just didn't want any of my followers or enemies worried about me. Sometimes It is good to take stock & be brave like that, you know?

— Aisling Bea (@WeeMissBea) September 26, 2018

My son has parked his bike by this lamppost just about every day for the last year. This morning, this sticker had appeared. Absolutely made our day. People can be so brilliant. Thank you, whoever did it 😊 pic.twitter.com/rYC8jCTD5L

— Christie Dietz (@asausagehastwo) September 24, 2018

Sad news for #PostmanPat fans. Gifted creator John Cunliffe has died. The way the notice reads in the #Ilkley Gazette, this morning, is very fitting. #books #children #author pic.twitter.com/xlsDjARmUr

— Fiona Movley (@movley) September 27, 2018

Urghhh. I hate that new sound effect Twitter has introduced every time you press the Retweet button. Can everyone hear it?

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) September 28, 2018

Husband has been looking for a leaf blower, & found one for £25 from Argos. He said it was an absolute bargain, & drove off to get it, very excited. Turns out it's a toy! Makes all the noises & everything. I can't stop laughing.

— Charlotte Lo (@lo_author) September 28, 2018

Mind blown by this QR code created by the ‘Rubik’s Cube Society’ at my daughter’s Chinese Uni… pic.twitter.com/gtDI3ZkSje

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) September 29, 2018

True story
========

On 29th September 1829, the very first Metropolitan Police Officers went out on patrol.

2 hours later, the PC with the warrant number 1 was in the cells.

He had been arrested for being drunk on duty…

— John Sutherland (@policecommander) September 29, 2018