ineke.co.uk

Weird how Eurovision got cancelled yet Iceland still won https://t.co/p2pCM72j64

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) May 16, 2020

Some absolute bangers this year. Hello @Eurovision just do these acts again at the start of next year and then give Iceland the win and then do another contest in May. 2021 needs TWO EUROVISIONS. #Eurovision

— TechnicallyRon (On all the platforms) (@TechnicallyRon) May 16, 2020

Tunes in to #Eurovision for some cheering up:

"Loving this song, bet they're about to do something unexpected and great"

Song cuts abruptly, they are now sat alone looking like they're in a hostage video:

"Hi guys, I'm feeling pretty sad about death"

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) May 16, 2020

All week I've been trying to control the virus but it's really hard. There are so many other factors.

— cluedont (@cluedont) May 16, 2020

Best quote from today’s briefing…. “I can’t imagine a child would ever want to eat something from another child’s lunchbox “
Just going to leave that there.🤦🏻‍♀️

— 𝔼𝕞𝕞𝕒 ℂ𝕠𝕝𝕝𝕒𝕣𝕕 (@CollardEmma) May 16, 2020

If my estimations are correct, the planet's spin will start to wind gradually down within the next fortnight. Sorry about that. https://t.co/d05k8ELdjd

— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) May 17, 2020

I would join this church https://t.co/w0avc2AMGS

— Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran) May 17, 2020

My mum just revealed that she thought a sad face emoji (😔) was someone praying with eyes closed.

That explains A LOT of confusing messages 😂

— Phoebe Hill (@DrPhoebeHill) May 17, 2020

BEAUTIFUL LOCKDOWN WINDOW PORTRAITS! https://t.co/Pz0Vt7l62O

— David O'Doherty (@phlaimeaux) May 17, 2020

Great to see some pop-up cycle lanes in London! But if they are anything like pop-up tents, I bet they are a nightmare to get back in the bag… 😬

— Paul Barber (@paulbarber3) May 17, 2020

The weekend is over, so it's almost time to stop watching people talk on a screen for fun and time to start watching people talk on a screen for work.

— TechnicallyRon (On all the platforms) (@TechnicallyRon) May 17, 2020

Almost sat down on this bench. pic.twitter.com/0sEhYTbvb7

— Dan Waterfield (@danwaterfield) May 18, 2020

Jonathan Van Tam claiming quarantine for incoming travellers has been in place in UK since… the 30th February. A date which doesn't actually exist.pic.twitter.com/48LXKPLVTg

— Otto English (@Otto_English) May 18, 2020

When you get your big TV break on the same day your cats finally decide to sort it out once and for all pic.twitter.com/69UoHA0Pya

— James Doleman (@jamesdoleman) May 17, 2020

UK hospital admissions for children fell significantly every time a new Harry Potter book was published.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) May 17, 2020

Cats: excellent goalkeepers https://t.co/3Oui3HuH1v

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) May 18, 2020

Do u remember the last time you used a toilet that wasn't in your own home? I DON'T

— Bronni (@_bronni) May 18, 2020

good morning to everyone except my boyfriend, who didn’t consult me before he used washing up liquid in lieu of dishwasher tablets last night pic.twitter.com/7LqvOTEhYa

— Abby Tomlinson (@twcuddleston) May 19, 2020

I think these women were given face masks and didn’t know where to put them https://t.co/ujDyfrQEE3

— Taylor Glenn™️ (@taylorglennUK) May 19, 2020

Might have to try this on Downing Street… https://t.co/f5XyygqsmU

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) May 19, 2020

Never in my entire political career have I ‘enjoyed’ anything less than this. My heart breaks every day for all those who have lost loved ones to this virus. https://t.co/hhGvCOOw05

— Nicola Sturgeon (@NicolaSturgeon) May 19, 2020

A goose enforces social distancing. pic.twitter.com/HA8zINHCcJ

— FAILED SIGN (@FailSign) May 18, 2020

Hey, you know those 'magic colouring books' where you only had to add water and they coloured themselves in. How did they work, then?

— James Harkin (@JamesHarkin) May 19, 2020

Thank YOU’RE bad at confrontation? Rather than ask someone to turn music down I’ll spend eleven years gathering 200k followers and hoping they are among them and then just tweet out my wishes.

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) May 19, 2020

We need more people like @vicderbyshire in the news media. She’s strong and vulnerable and willing to calling people to account. https://t.co/qPlvCxrNil

— Wendy Beech-Ward 🇺🇦 (@wendybeechward) May 19, 2020

If men had periods there would be television shows every week, where they would try out period technology. It would be like ‘Top Gear’. @JeremyClarkson would be reviewing @shethinx pants.@bryony_gordon shares why periods should no longer be a taboo 🙌🏼 pic.twitter.com/hMz3GtiRH9

— Kelly McNulty (@kellymcnulty) May 19, 2020

What an excellent example of social distancing, staying alert and common sense this is going to be. https://t.co/cWZILWCWRt

— Krishnan Guru-Murthy (@krishgm) May 20, 2020

Jeez it’s sweltering today. What I wouldn’t give to be Prince Andrew

— Alexandra Haddow (@MissAHaddow) May 20, 2020

So, how was the feedback from the tv programme last night? pic.twitter.com/wicWq4qy5g

— Hannah Fry (@FryRsquared) May 20, 2020

Riddle me this, Twitter. Why do apples taste so much better *in* things than by themselves?

Illustration:

– Apple pie 👌
– Apple strudel👌
– Apple and cinnamon muffin👌
– Apple juice👌

Whereas:

– An apple 🤷‍♀️

I’d like the science please.

— The Secret Barrister (@BarristerSecret) May 20, 2020

Small things in tv series I will never understand #1: Why Ross didn’t appreciate Mona. What a fool.

— Martin Saunders (@martinsaunders) May 21, 2020

When you think about it in context, it's actually quite disrespectful that he didn't at least marry her for a bit.

— Martin Saunders (@martinsaunders) May 21, 2020

A child in a neighbour's garden is explaining the convoluted rules of a game she has just made up. This is both a lovely thing to hear, and also my actual job as a grown-up.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) May 21, 2020

The more files you store on a USB drive, the lighter it gets.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) May 21, 2020

My 12-y-o daughter just fabricated an entire school assignment which was based around her having to watch and evaluate sitcoms. Formatted it to look like official school communication and everything. I don’t know if I should be cross, impressed or terrified… #homeschool

— Martin Saunders (@martinsaunders) May 22, 2020

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

— Gareth (@Cadmarch) May 21, 2020

Keep 2 metres apart when you go outside. That’s:

🔴 1 bed
🔴 2 benches
🔴 3 fridges
🔴 4 chairs#StayAlert

— UK Prime Minister (@10DowningStreet) May 22, 2020

I hope I get picked to ask one of the questions at the Daily Briefing today. I have got an idea for one.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) May 23, 2020

"Thats what we all do in times of crisis, go to our families" YOU LOT LITERALLY SAID NOT TO DO THAT. EVERY DAY FOR WEEKS.

— TechnicallyRon (On all the platforms) (@TechnicallyRon) May 23, 2020

Thinking of getting coronavirus so I can holiday in Devon

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) May 23, 2020

So two adults were too ill to look after a 4 year old but decided they were fine to drive almost 300 miles? #Cummings

— Andrea Catherwood (@acatherwoodnews) May 22, 2020

I think Cummings might have just unlocked lockdown. Young people in my house who’ve been obedient so far saying “stuff the rules.. if he didn’t follow them why should we”. It’s not about politics.. it’s about leadership.

— Cristina Nicolotti S (@CNS0201) May 23, 2020

If only Number 10 had acted as quickly and forcefully on the pandemic in March as it has to save Dominic Cummings.

— Aditya Chakrabortty (@chakrabortty) May 23, 2020

if I were a Disney villain I would simply not sing my evil plan out loud for the entire world to hear.

— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) December 9, 2019