https://www.facebook.com/groups/556729501632561/permalink/781356439169865/
https://twitter.com/RawBeautyKristi/status/1276404767099482112
One problem with becoming your next Prime Minister is that I don’t have that many friends. So let’s just say that anyone who likes this tweet will be first in line for government contracts. https://t.co/VybQQfNgg9
— James Harkin (@JamesHarkin) March 27, 2021
The next two weeks:
— innocent drinks (@innocent) March 27, 2021
Two day weekend
Four day week
Four day weekend
Four day week
Two day weekend
FIFTY PERCENT ARE DAYS OFF
Travel Tip: If you’re queuing at a supermarket in Limerick, the third and fourth lines are shortest.@TwopTwips
— Gareth George – Groan Man 🏴🇪🇺 (@groanman2020) March 26, 2021
Man who never shuts up ‘breaking his silence’. pic.twitter.com/KD8HaqcU0s
— Mr Roger Quimbly (@RogerQuimbly) March 27, 2021
“people have had quite a few days off, and it wouldn’t be a bad thing for people to see their way round to making a passing stab at getting back into the office”
— Maeve Sherlock (@MaeveSherlock) March 28, 2021
Days off?! Has he no idea what so many people WFH have endured in the last year? 🤦♀️ https://t.co/VliRNEPoSP
Literally the same day: pic.twitter.com/iFyuYFw2Fr
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) March 28, 2021
The neighbours just put the house up for sale. Couldn't resist checking it out on Zoopla.
— Michael Hubank (@generoom) March 28, 2021
That's our bloody cat. pic.twitter.com/w4YnxNZOLq
A friend has just shown me this book "Calculus made easy", published in 1914, and I think it's got one of the best prologues I've ever seen. This is *exactly* what textbooks should be doing. And they should all be honest about how terrifying the topic names are too. pic.twitter.com/8Qodx8dLaq
— Helen Czerski (@helenczerski) March 27, 2021
The news I know you’ve all been waiting for: our windscreen grass has sprouted flowers! pic.twitter.com/SSzaNuImr0
— Isy Suttie (@Isysuttie) March 27, 2021
Worried about having conversations with actual human people in the coming months? Get a parrot!
— Dave (@davechannel) March 28, 2021
– Can sit in your shoulder
– Excellent conversation starter
– Can speak for you when you forget how talking works
– Will mostly speak about crackers though
I never change my car clock,
— Paul Kerensa (@paulkerensa) March 28, 2021
So it's stuck on GMT.
Till autumn I'll just drive my wife's car –
That's on BST.
Dec 2020: we’ve invented Covid vaccines within a year, that’s amazing
— Dr Alice Lilly (@aliceolilly) March 28, 2021
Feb 2021: wow we’ve landed a craft on Mars, that’s incredible
March 2021: please, the big boat, it’s very stuck
I’ve watched the video 100 times now and I’m still in awe. Further, how the woman just walks by like this is normal. pic.twitter.com/UXgwxKtGok
— David Herrmann (@herrmanndigital) March 27, 2021
Hard to believe that this time last year no one in the UK had ever heard of Barnard castle.
— Dave (@davechannel) March 29, 2021
What Just Eat is called in Australia defies description… pic.twitter.com/g4ighA0AGh
— Rae Earl (@RaeEarl) March 29, 2021
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
— Matt Steinglass, quitting this fascist platform (@mattsteinglass) March 29, 2021
— Classical Studies Memes for Hellenistic Teens (@CSMFHT) March 28, 2021
has anyone done the ever given in the eastenders opening yet? pic.twitter.com/xq8Uk6G1Xc
— jackson davies (@actualjack) March 28, 2021
Good news! It’s 7pm and still sunny. No one is really sure what to do as everyone is tired all the time and by 5pm we have all started powering down but it’s nice to see.
— Dave (@davechannel) March 29, 2021
Knew this pair of sick freaks would be behind the canal based shenanigans somehow. pic.twitter.com/tpcKujfQGI
— Fergus Butler-Gallie (@_F_B_G_) March 29, 2021
In the standard English counting system, every single number after EIGHTY-EIGHT has an N in its name.
— Haggard Hawks 🦅📚 Words | Language | Etymology (@HaggardHawks) March 29, 2021
The optimum amount of time to work, to maximise human happiness, is one day a week.
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) March 29, 2021
Are we sure it's a four day week? This morning alone felt AT LEAST five days long.
— innocent drinks (@innocent) March 29, 2021
"Smile and wave boys, smile and wave" 😂🐧
— LADbible (@ladbible) March 30, 2021
🎥: @seah_ssam pic.twitter.com/x1HuM2RL7r
even if you are very much against trans rights, at least admit their movement taught you what a pronoun was.
— Felicity Ward (@felicityward) March 30, 2021
If a massive ship getting stuck can disrupt world trade for a week and a few days later no one really cares then you can stop worrying about that thing you did 10 years ago that you only remember in the middle of the night.
— Dave (@davechannel) March 30, 2021
Spiders can hear you talk via vibrations in the hairs on their legs. If you put water droplets on their limbs, they can't listen in on your conversations.
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) March 31, 2021
TAKE IT WITH YOU!!! The height of selfishness. https://t.co/o7ncJ4fo00
— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) March 31, 2021
Is there a German word for when you think “it’s so pretty” and “we’re all going to die” simultaneously https://t.co/R7UVsSfZXz
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 31, 2021
"Death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain, nor bin juice running down thy sleeves"
— Joe Henegan (@Joe_Henegan) March 31, 2021
“Oi, Sunak, when are you going to remove the VAT from cat treats?!” https://t.co/lpypCzk7t2
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) March 31, 2021
Daughter walking on pavement down a quiet road. A van beeps a few times as it drives by (something that happens to her frequently). She got the plate and the company name and has emailed them. If you're a man who harasses lone women. They're not taking it any more. #ProudDad
— Hal Cruttenden (@Halcruttenden) March 31, 2021
PSA: There are four days left to buy Easter eggs to replace the ones you bought three weeks ago and ate while the kids were in bed. pic.twitter.com/NOWcz8lkkv
— The Poke (@ThePoke) March 31, 2021
Can’t work out if I really want to start bagpipe lessons or just want covid to end
— Isy Suttie (@Isysuttie) March 31, 2021
This sign in EVERY open space in the UK please.
— Rob Rinder (@RobbieRinder) March 31, 2021
I’ll donate a few.
@KeepBritainTidy pic.twitter.com/36LOFems7r
Just thinking about how Diane Abbott drinking a mojito on the train got given more air time and press scrutiny than Johnson having an affair and giving the woman 125k of tax payers money
— Ciara (@Ciara87C) March 31, 2021
The real problem with April Fool's is that the entire nation has had trust issues ever since we voted for that Boat to be called Boaty McBoatface and they just ignored us.
— Dave (@davechannel) April 1, 2021
Me: How are the ships in Star Wars all so clean when you never see anybody cleaning?
— cluedont (@cluedont) April 1, 2021
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job.
"Tell me, Prime Minister. What was it about the man who doesn't believe in institutional racism that made you choose him to write a report on institutional racism?" pic.twitter.com/25RPG2ojjX
— The Poke (@ThePoke) April 1, 2021
Cigarette butts are the most commonly littered item in England.
— Defra UK (@DefraGovUK) March 30, 2021
We are exploring measures to make sure the tobacco industry reduces the litter caused by its products.
Find out more: https://t.co/n8lEH1HSkM pic.twitter.com/6yHwJgQMBh
"I want his head on a stick!" he said hedonistically.
— Moose Allain (2024 edition) Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) April 29, 2020
Remember when we all found out that Queen Elizabeth II's son is most likely a paedophile…. and his punishment was that he doesn't have to work anymore and just gets to quietly live in a mansion by a lake?
— Jim'll Paint It (@Jimllpaintit) April 1, 2021
Don't listen to them, Smoup IS real. https://t.co/fdVNW3ETrv
— innocent drinks (@innocent) April 1, 2021
NOW DO THIS WHEN EVERY BELOVED CELEBRITY IS TRENDING BUT STILL ALIVE, TWITTER. pic.twitter.com/0AEDhtGiiY
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) April 1, 2021
Hi @BBCNews can you point me in the direction of your coverage of Boris Johnson's four year affair with Jennifer Arcuri please. I can't see it.
— AlbaGman ⚽️ (@AlbaGman) March 31, 2021
Me when I’ve done the washing-up three nights in a row and I am worried nobody has noticed: pic.twitter.com/FvG4f8jQTk
— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) April 1, 2021
Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss so we'd know that someone's public affection for Jesus might not be telling the whole story – Mark 14:44
— John Onwuchekwa (@JawnO) April 1, 2021
the teenager next door is listening to the @HamiltonMusical soundtrack and on the one hand I really need him to turn it down but on the other hand Dear Theodosia just came on
— Betsy (@btransatlantic) March 31, 2021
What I absolutely love is how the Science Museum in London is now a vaccination centre.
— Scott Bryan (@scottygb) April 1, 2021
A scientific marvel, being administered in an actual museum.
I just happened across 1my press pass for the 2012 Olympics and longing for the spirit and joy of that extraordinary three weeks.
— Brian Moore (@brianmoore666) April 2, 2021
Our descent into mean-spirited, me first, nationalism has been painful and.rapid.
Imagine writing a bop that slaps so hard that, for the rest of human history, no one even TRIES to write another song about hot cross buns.
— Chris Schleicher (@cschleichsrun) April 1, 2021
We hope you all have a lovely bank holiday and if you go to a park and leave your rubbish for someone else to clear away for you we hope the belt loop on your trousers get caught on the door every time you enter a room.
— Dave (@davechannel) April 1, 2021
Any @nosuchthing listeners: a lot of people have taken to posting online which episodes we give away the ending of Anna Karenina in. This is really infuriating to true fans who don't want to know *which* episodes we give away the ending in. Please, let's avoid these spoilers 🙏
— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) April 2, 2021
MARKETING IDEA FOR BASKET COMPANIES
— innocent drinks (@innocent) April 3, 2021
Have 2-for-1 sale today so then tomorrow people won't have to put all their eggs in one basket.
Look I'm not a Christian, but if I were, I don't think I'd read your tweet about how SCIENCE IS ALL ABOUT PROOF AND JESUS DID NOT RISE FROM THE DEAD and go 'cool, thank you, I'll start my life again'.
— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) April 2, 2021
Good Friday would be a great day for Joe Biden to abolish the federal death penalty.
— Shane Claiborne (@ShaneClaiborne) April 2, 2021
Nothing like hearing your toddler say ‘when lockdown is over we’re all going to Jurassic Park’ To remind you of previous promises made in desperation.
— chris o'dowd (@BigBoyler) April 2, 2021
Cows that eat 80 grams of seaweed a day show up to 82% reduction in their greenhouse gas emissions.
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) April 2, 2021
Apparently the old Asda price promise rocks have been showing up in the wild pic.twitter.com/nDBfNZNjIn
— carpet (@WHS_Carpet) April 2, 2021
Official tartans have been designed for Nando’s, Coca-Cola and Hello Kitty, who has four.
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) April 3, 2021
Very special to take this photograph of The Queen and The Prince of Wales in the historic grounds of Frogmore House that has been released tonight. It feels especially poignant as hopefully we will ALL be seeing a bit more of out families over the coming days and weeks 🙏🏻 🐣 pic.twitter.com/GKsghaWcFv
— Chris Jackson (@ChrisJack_Getty) April 2, 2021
'Excellent transport links' indeed 🙃https://t.co/2oVR5vQCZ6
— Metro (@MetroUK) April 3, 2021
Plot twist…https://t.co/iyA0MkNOle
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) March 30, 2021
It's the way it casually strolls off after each incredible save https://t.co/xfVI7L7EVH
— Nooruddean (@BeardedGenius) May 19, 2020
Another threat to live broadcasts .. 🤭 https://t.co/mywzehgDqA
— lyse doucet (@bbclysedoucet) April 2, 2021
Hey, angry Twitter, @thealiceroberts is right. Dead people don’t come back to life. Believe me, I know. When Christians like me proclaim the resurrection it is not to refute biological truth. It is an expression of faith in the power of God, which is measureless. pic.twitter.com/WHV097hGV5
— Richard Coles (@RevRichardColes) April 3, 2021
There are companies that are take carbon dioxide out of the air and turn it into diamonds. The claim each carat made removes 20 tons of carbon dioxide.
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) April 2, 2021
#Boulder community members out here turning disassembled guns into gardening tools at a Good Friday vigil hosted by Boulder Mennonite Church. pic.twitter.com/jNeAAw3GlW
— Katie Langford (@Katielangford35) April 2, 2021
Just a reminder this weekend for any of you on Facebook, you can find out the big Tesco opening hours by going onto their website rather than asking 30k people on the local town page and read the 315 replies of ‘drove past earlier and it was open’
— Tuppence Pennyapple III (@fabulucy) April 2, 2021
I'm not one to quickly take offence concerning my Christian faith but this is too much. And if – after the flag and the Queen – Christianity is to be co-opted by the Conservative cause in this way then I'm going to be turning over some tables!! https://t.co/1dmpw6ryQQ
— Rachel Parkinson (@RachelParkinso2) April 2, 2021
ineke.co.uk 
Anything to add...?