Brutally honest McDonald’s apology sign claims ‘no one wants to work anymore’ https://t.co/2a8G5CBHkE
— indy100 (@indy100) April 17, 2021
I remember my grandfather would announce whatever he was about to do. Now I understand why he did it just in case he forgot what he was getting up for.
— Anon Church Guy (@MrChurchGuy) April 17, 2021
Houston airport kept receiving complaints about the seven minute wait time at luggage collection for one of their routes, so they switched the gate to make the walk there five minutes longer and the complaints stopped.
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) April 18, 2021
Your worship leader’s job is not to lead you into God’s presence. Jesus has that covered.
— Matt Smethurst (@MattSmethurst) April 18, 2021
Thomas Edison would fish without a hook or bait because catching a fish would ruin the relaxation.
— Anon Church Guy (@MrChurchGuy) April 18, 2021
Many churches evangelize the same way.
Yet again, my proposal – all newborn babies to be issued with three strong canvas bags and that's your lot for life – goes unheeded pic.twitter.com/yBaefXtMkh
— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) April 18, 2021
Pretty high-handed tone for a second-hand report detailing *exactly the same thing*…
— No Context Chris Longridge (@Chris_Longridge) April 18, 2021
BBC News criticised for ‘ridiculous’ report on Hugh Grant’s visit to Frome bakery | indy100 https://t.co/ndUMjQqguI
Found on Facebook pic.twitter.com/1V86NLoWnN
— Cheri Jacobus (@CheriJacobus) April 17, 2021
Tea cozies do not keep your tea kettle any warmer than it would be without one.
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) April 18, 2021
(Image: erinmahollitz; CC BY) pic.twitter.com/0OdsC8e6EC
Gove, 3 weeks ago:
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) April 18, 2021
“Transparency drives everything this government does”
In unrelated news:
No publication of ministerial interests since last July
No investigation into Hancock profiting from NHS, Jenrick, Arcuri, billions to pals for Covid contracts, Covid failures etc etc
Sound advice from Sainsbury’s pic.twitter.com/28p8AQ1umt
— J Farrers (@Jfarrers) April 18, 2021
More people died in the FedEx shooting than got blood clots after the Johnson and Johnson vaccine.
— #NoRA (@NoRA4USA) April 17, 2021
Perhaps it is guns which require a pause.
Naples, Italy is creating a DNA database of all its resident dogs.
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) April 18, 2021
Any dog poo found left on the sidewalk will be tested against the database, and the owner of the dog will be sent a bill for €500.
(Image: Indi Samarajiva.) pic.twitter.com/CJYs8qKhxe
“I hate showing my knees. It’s one of the reasons I became a nun” 😆😆😆#CallTheMidwife #NewSeries @BBCOne pic.twitter.com/WqXNjiucfp
— Call the Midwife (@CallTheMidwife1) April 18, 2021
Empires rise. Empires fall. https://t.co/nbbnfsmqvC
— Otto English (@Otto_English) April 18, 2021
The European Super League is Brexit all over again isn’t it? Ruining something wonderful so that a few white men can get really rich, sold on the basis that we can keep out the Romanians.
— Martin Saunders (@martinsaunders) April 19, 2021
the crucial 4th ice cream bowl was lost at some point, forever altering the vibe pic.twitter.com/mVyNtf4kvr
— Ollie (@whalefern) April 18, 2021
The real case they need to investigate. #LineOfDuty pic.twitter.com/VTKxT63lxi
— Justine Stafford (@JustineStafford) April 18, 2021
How does #CallTheMidwife get it right every single episode? There isn’t another show on TV that is as consistently exceptional.
— Alfie Garston (@alfiegarston) April 18, 2021
I have just discovered that Ted Hastings from Line of Duty was in – and then cut from – The Phantom Menace, and I can only deduce that an OCG *must* have been involved in the Star Wars prequels. pic.twitter.com/91bXo1dAxd
— Martin Saunders (@martinsaunders) April 19, 2021
I wish to point out that @rovers have won the Premier League more times than Spurs. I assume we must have turned the ESL down (well done us!) and that THFC were their fallback…?
— Tim Farron (@timfarron) April 19, 2021
So let us get this #EuropeanSuperLeague stuff straight: Twelve teams are going to send their best and brightest into an arena to fight each other to the death in exchange for food and riches for their home district? Is that right or did we get confused.
— Dave (@davechannel) April 19, 2021
OK one thread and then nothing else on ⚽️. People like me love football because teams represent communities. The history is built in. You're part of something. As soon as we got away from that idea we were in big trouble. We can't pretend it started yesterday.
— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) April 19, 2021
The dead cat: a thread. So my Dad, who lives with me, texted last night: 'How are things? There’s a dead cat in the barn.' Me: What? Dad: Not a parrot. A dead cat. I know a dead cat when I see one. (one for the Pythons) (1/)
— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) April 19, 2021
Me: Oh god. How recently dead is it?
— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) April 19, 2021
Dad: I don’t know. It wouldn’t say.
I went out to look and there was indeed a small dead black and white cat. No sign of injury. But very much dead.
(2/)
I posted on our village web page, asking if anyone had lost a black and white cat. Nobody had. But many people responded telling me to take it to a vet to check for a microchip. Great. I live half an hour from a vet. And I’m busy. (3/)
— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) April 19, 2021
So this morning, I call my (slightly forbidding) vet and ask if they can scan it for a microchip, slightly hoping they’ll say no. They say they can squeeze me in at 10.30. I rearrange the things I had to do and get a bin bag ready. (4/)
— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) April 19, 2021
I open my boot and head out to the garage. No cat. I'm pretty sure it was dead. I look for signs that a fox might have taken it. Nothing. I walk around until I find our new gardener, Steve. “Steve, I don’t suppose you’ve seen a dead cat, have you?” (5/)
— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) April 19, 2021
Steve: “Sure. Your dad told me to bury it.” Me: “But I’ve got to take it to the vets.” Steve: “I’ve buried it in the woods.”
— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) April 19, 2021
A long pause.
Steve: “Are you asking me to dig it up again?” (6/)
Which is how we came to dig up a dead cat in the woods in order to take it to a vet’s appointment.
— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) April 19, 2021
We – uh – brushed it off as best as we could.
Of course I spilt my coffee down my front on the drive there. Because of course I did. (7/)
I arrive, slightly stained, at the vets and give my name. “I rang earlier about a cat?” Receptionist: “I’m afraid you’re very late.”
— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) April 19, 2021
Me (holding out a bin bag): “Well … I had to dig it up.” (8/)
An exquisitely long silence in the veterinary reception. A woman sitting nearby may have hugged her dog a little bit tighter.
— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) April 19, 2021
And now I need a new vet. And possibly a new gardener. Happy Monday everyone! (9/)
It seems deeply wrong that players and managers are having to front up and answer questions about the #EuropeanSuperLeague while the decision makers are hiding in the shadows.
— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) April 19, 2021
Tim Curry is trending. Please say it's because he's FINALLY decided to open a restaurant with Tim Rice 🤞
— Rosie Jones (@josierones) April 19, 2021
I genuinely want to know why Diane Abbott drinking a mojito on the train caused more outrage than Matt Hancock’s sister receiving £300k of public money or Boris Johnson’s mistress receiving £100k of public money, like do people actually think that was worse or?
— Pistachio (@HarleyShah) April 19, 2021
I find it SO annoying when plaques don’t tell you what the person is famous for. This guy, for example, invented the elixir of eternal life, but is that mentioned here? No. pic.twitter.com/t0O3NA0mnX
— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) April 20, 2021
Hey @marksandspencer can Colin and Cuthbert be besties? We’re bringing back a limited edition Cuthbert and want to donate profits to cancer charities including your partners @macmillancancer & ours @teenagecancer. Let’s raise money for charity, not lawyers #caterpillarsforcancer.
— Aldi Stores UK (@AldiUK) April 20, 2021
Look I know people think snooker is mostly watched by the aged, but I wish the Eurosport ads wouldn't keep asking me if I realise how expensive cremation can be.
— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) April 20, 2021
This just seems like a hollow argument.
— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) April 20, 2021
1. I see no evidence for it
2. If that’s the case… why give them more football? https://t.co/y4U3PFVTAJ
It’s remarkable that VAR is no longer the most disliked thing in football.
— Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) April 19, 2021
Would be brilliant if the breakaway teams were ejected from the domestic league and had to rejoin at conference level – would give lower league football a great boost.
— Adrian Edmondson ❎ (@AdrianEdmondson) April 20, 2021
On behalf of the 2014/15 champions, we would like to extend our congratulations to you 🤝 https://t.co/3eQO4GXYJV
— Southampton FC (@SouthamptonFC) April 20, 2021
PATRICK BAMFORD FOR PM
— Nubaid Haroon (@RamboFYI) April 19, 2021
‘It’s a shame it’s not like that with racism’…pic.twitter.com/YDJG9vvR4W
This is insane to think about pic.twitter.com/GLJ0nrxfTO
— The Gentle Freak (@mitchysuch) April 19, 2021
The furious landlord blaming the leader of the opposition for Covid deaths and killing the economy is peak GB 2021
— Marina Purkiss (@MarinaPurkiss) April 19, 2021
Do you play "Oceans" in the key of Sea?
— Anon Church Guy (@MrChurchGuy) April 20, 2021
What if you used it as part of a coral arrangement?
As the #ESL collapses before its even started, washed away in a tidal wave of anger and greed, we must not forget what these owners have done. It’s still their want. Will they try again? It’s victory on this occasion but reflection, and reform must surely follow…
— Jake Humphrey (@mrjakehumphrey) April 20, 2021
enjoying the Super League’s new knockout format
— Henry Mance (@henrymance) April 20, 2021
Spurs making sure they're the last team to pull out of the ESL just so they can say they won it
— Matt Lucas HQ (@RealMattLucas) April 20, 2021
The Setup. The Shot pic.twitter.com/XCqO474n9i
— EDOS 🧚♂️🇳🇬📸 (@edosartistry) April 20, 2021
So you have a billion pounds and you see all the poverty all the hardship people suffer all over the world , why would you want another billion then another then another ? . Why wouldn’t you want to help the suffering people instead of growing a wealth you could never ever spend
— dave jones, EOTM, Model (@djonesbutchers) April 20, 2021
Ducklings having a great time catching flies 😀 @DickKingSmith @Natures_Voice pic.twitter.com/dExiN861R8
— Jo Starr (@JoStarr12) April 20, 2021
Is any national newspaper tomorrow going to post a picture grid of all the waxy faced, soulless vampires who attempted this football coup or are we just going to let these creeps skulk about in their corporate shadows.
— Danny Baker (@prodnose) April 20, 2021
A grand theft was attempted. Let's see the miserable crew.
I feel strongly that if we had more women scientists we would have fewer helicopters on Mars and more sports bras that don’t require strong arm contortionist skills to get into.
— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) April 21, 2021
Was the European Super League an apprentice task?
— Laura (@fairycakes) April 20, 2021
Don’t let up.
— Shane Claiborne (@ShaneClaiborne) April 20, 2021
We’re not fighting for a world where cops go to jail for killing people…
we’re fighting for a world where cops don’t kill people.
Young people to be deliberately reinfected with Covid for a new study, or ‘going back to uni’ as it’s commonly known.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) April 21, 2021
Translated literally, the Danish word for ‘gums’ is ‘toothmeat’ and I love it.
— Liam Butler (@LiamMakesStuff) April 21, 2021
It makes me laugh when these ‘beauty bloggers’ harp on about these amazing ‘cleansing towels’ and ‘make up removing cloths’. Babe, they’ve been around since before you were born and they’re called flannels.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) April 21, 2021
5 more years and I plan to send the Queen a telegram.
— John Archer (@TheArchini) April 21, 2021
55 points lost from winning positions.
— Стіг (@crstig) April 21, 2021
Two 9-0 defeats.
Didn't try and win a cup semi-final.
I mean come on…..#saintsfc
Can we make sure nobody gives Notre Dame the contact details for M&S's lawyers, please. 👀 pic.twitter.com/UvrupyENc6
— Bristol Cathedral (@BristolCathedra) April 21, 2021
Just a quick one, and I’ve said it before, they’re all just Swiss rolls.
— Will Duggan (@Willduggan) April 21, 2021
“On Friday he ate one Cuthbert, two Charlies, three Wiggles, four Cecils and five Colins. After that he felt much better. He sighed, contented, “There can be only one.” 🐛 pic.twitter.com/6NBQbQDUIj
— Waterstones Gateshead (@WaterstonesGate) April 21, 2021
when I was a child I genuinely feared picking up the landline when it rang in case it was Chris Tarrant ringing for phone a friend, despite the fact I was a) a child and b) didn’t know anyone going on who wants to be a millionaire
— Rhiannon M-S (@rhiannonm_s) April 2, 2021
Can we be one of the kids he doesn’t see please https://t.co/ZUSB92fELr
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) April 15, 2021
I know he’s impregnated a lot of women, but this is ridiculous. https://t.co/jt8zCHENpT
— Keith Burge (@carryonkeith) April 14, 2021
This reminds me of that time the BBC accidentally interviewed a taxi driver thinking he was a tech expert pic.twitter.com/WVUGUziUEn
— Marina Purkiss (@MarinaPurkiss) April 22, 2021
Sometimes something totally unexpected makes your day
— Ali Plumb (@AliPlumb) April 23, 2021
Today it was this sign pic.twitter.com/aoO6lGmndK
Risky business piling onto someone about their face or body at the best of times, in particular before even knowing why their appearance has changed. #ZacEfron
— ❤️ Jameela Jamil ❤️ She/Her ❤️ (@jameelajamil) April 23, 2021
All together now: "No luck catching them swans, then?" https://t.co/SqP1zTfZl8
— Ali Plumb (@AliPlumb) April 23, 2021
📽️Yes Friends presents the £7.99 Sustainable and Ethical T-Shirt.
— Yes Friends (@yesfriendsbrand) April 10, 2021
It's time to blow apart the myth that ethical fashion can't be affordable.
We can't do this without you. Check it out. Buy a Tee. Spread the Word.
👉https://t.co/GypiIWZEOV pic.twitter.com/cVE6GPx0vA
What a fine illusion: you’d swear these little fellows are moving… https://t.co/5Dtd0xDDit
— Stephen Fry (@stephenfry) April 24, 2021
ineke.co.uk 
Anything to add...?