Please don't pay Nigel F to read out your funny 'Please say hello to my dad, Mr P. Niss' Cameo messages, thanking you kindly.
— Justin Lewis (whenisbirths on rival platforms) (@WhenIsBirths) June 9, 2021
As is tradition, every father who is given a 'World's best father' mug for Father's Day must meet and battle so the world can know and recognise the true best father. Good luck to all involved.
— Dave (@davechannel) June 20, 2021
With news that Morrisons is bringing back glass milk bottles in Kent and Sheffield, we wondered if you would pay extra to get your milk from the supermarket in a reusable glass bottle?https://t.co/g0hkxMSGxY pic.twitter.com/qfVlUXZwET
— MoneySavingExpert (@MoneySavingExp) June 20, 2021
GIRLFRIEND: What are you thinking about? Us?
— Glenn Moore (@TheNewsAtGlenn) June 20, 2021
ME (Thinking about how many forks you’d have to drop on the floor at a restaurant before they refused to give you another fork): yeh
British tapas. pic.twitter.com/imTjnmBmtB
— No Context Brits (@NoContextBrits) June 20, 2021
'Tape measure in Nandos' is the dad move by which all dad moves will be judged in future 👏👏👏 https://t.co/U8mvA73ykX
— Tom Jamieson (@jamiesont) June 21, 2021
i didn’t know f1 had subtitles pic.twitter.com/mIsvzKbd8g
— cal (@w0rdy2) June 20, 2021
That moment when you hit a massive six only for it crash through your own car windscreen 🤣🤣
— Illingworth St Mary’s CC (@IllingworthCC) June 20, 2021
🔊 Sound on to hear the smash 💥 pic.twitter.com/FNjRMic9U5
My dad's upset that I've bought him a card calling him the 200th best dad in the world, but that's still, like, REALLY good.
— Glenn Moore (@TheNewsAtGlenn) June 20, 2021
Let’s start the week with this gem attributed to Pablo Picasso;
— Jake Humphrey (@mrjakehumphrey) June 21, 2021
“The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away…”
❤️❤️Have a great week. ❤️❤️
A reminder that today isn’t Freedom Day because Boris Johnson refused for weeks to put India on the red list because he was so desperate for a trade deal because of Brexit.
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 21, 2021
God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform. https://t.co/7jTUyYFFlj
— Richard K Herring (@Herring1967) June 21, 2021
We’ve just interviewed a dog for an opening as our dog. pic.twitter.com/xUsWppJlec
— Moose Allain (2024 edition) Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) March 6, 2021
A reminder: there is always a “rough winter” for the NHS. It has had a permanent seasonal crisis for years. The answer is to fund and reimagine the NHS, not to justify behavioural restrictions on the population.
— Stig Abell (@StigAbell) June 21, 2021
Today is the longest day of the year; every day feels long when you share a house with Boris Johnson… pic.twitter.com/pqgxtZFFBf
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) June 21, 2021
And it seems to me you lived your life like a pic.twitter.com/FFVMoABxM1
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 20, 2021
Joe Lycett as sewing machines.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 13, 2021
A thread 🧵 #NationalSewingMachineDay pic.twitter.com/HHVVHX3C1o
Thanks very much to The One Show for featuring part of my Joe Lycett as sewing machines thread on tonight’s show. Can I just state though that I absolutely did not write in to tell them about it! I had no idea about it until people on social media told me it had been featured! pic.twitter.com/mcDi5ooZqF
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 21, 2021
This makes no sense. How can Billy Gilmour have no close contacts of concern with his Scottish teammates, but two England players have to isolate? https://t.co/joDrrWX0QJ
— Stig Abell (@StigAbell) June 21, 2021
Actor James Michael Tyler (@slate_michael) played Gunther on “Friends” for 10 years, but he was unable to attend the recent cast reunion in person because he’s been battling a serious health issue. Now he’s sharing his news for the first time with @craigmelvin. pic.twitter.com/272tg4Sbvc
— TODAY (@TODAYshow) June 21, 2021
Love to celebrate midsummer’s day by whacking on the heating, just until I regain feeling in my extremities
— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) June 21, 2021
Honing my meme skills over here. pic.twitter.com/uyHLprnE46
— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) June 21, 2021
I just don’t know if I need an antiperspirant to last for 72 hours tho.
— sara cox💙 (@sarajcox) June 22, 2021
Easy there Billy Liar. I’ve lived in London for 22 years. People wouldn’t exchange cheery smiles on the tube if England won the World Cup. pic.twitter.com/S1fOdgy4nY
— Ralf Little 💙 (@RalfLittle) June 22, 2021
5 years ago Today pic.twitter.com/t3QBuvSuKX
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 23, 2021
I'm in a bathroom at a restaurant, and instead of elevator music or silence, they are playing a Harry Potter audiobook.
— Joy Beth (@JBsTwoCents) June 22, 2021
I may never leave.
Dogs can sniff out COVID19, but aren’t very good at it if they’re hungry or after eating, when they need a nap.
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) June 23, 2021
Can I get a non-specific tuna-like substitute on hearty Italian cake https://t.co/1zkR5DpWFN
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 23, 2021
Weird how when they’re asked to feed vulnerable children at Christmas during a pandemic budgets are too tight but when there’s some jingoistic flag-fucking to be done they start shitting money https://t.co/jgOYf2Rk5Q
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 24, 2021
Please be careful when doing a covid test at home. If you do the tonsil swab and the nostril swab at the same time you run the risk of reseting yourself to factory settings.
— Dave (@davechannel) June 24, 2021
"This week, I'll be mostly finding out where my dad is and adding it to the Green list." pic.twitter.com/ix8v5Z6Y61
— The Poke (@ThePoke) June 24, 2021
“What do you do in your spare time?”
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) June 24, 2021
“Worry a lot. Look at my phone. Sit. Sleep. Find comfort in hot drinks. Telly. Cake. That about covers it.”
The dog ate a fly today.
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) June 23, 2021
It was a big bluebottle & she was staring at it buzzing around the window & then she lunged & caught it in her mouth.
She sat & chewed on it for about a minute.
She won't eat Tesco brand dog food though
The grim predictability of everything the Brexiters dismissed as Project Fear becoming Project Fact is so depressing. https://t.co/Ghmg3UG666
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 24, 2021
ONE BRITAIN ONE NATION
— Marina Purkiss (@MarinaPurkiss) June 23, 2021
…I mean, Britain is in fact an island made up of 4 nations
But who am I to get in the way of a fascist sing-song
To be honest, I mainly want England to beat Germany just so I can do a joke with the punchline “Don’t mention the score.”#EURO2020
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 23, 2021
A whole new world
— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) June 23, 2021
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us, "No"
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming pic.twitter.com/iysWnesgBi
This is a random reminder that no time travel story ever really makes sense, and that's okay
— Ali Plumb (@AliPlumb) June 24, 2021
You are allowed to go to sleep now. You don’t HAVE to stay up looking at stuff on your phone. I think sometimes it’s handy to have a reminder.
— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) June 24, 2021
Matt Hancock will argue his affair is private, but it took place at his work, during the biggest crisis in decades, at a time hugging was publicly not allowed, with someone he brought to government in questioned circumstances. The public interest seems quite clear-cut here.
— Stig Abell (@StigAbell) June 25, 2021
To be crystal clear, this picture was taken with 2m social distancing rules still in place at workplaces.
— Dr Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) June 25, 2021
The issue here is not Matt Hancock’s infidelity – it’s his world-beating hypocrisy.
Write the rules. Tell the little people to obey. Then break them with impunity. pic.twitter.com/JU79roRvsG
I know the neighbours involved say this looks awful, but personally I quite like the neatness of the 'half a tree' look.#tr or is it #eehttps://t.co/I8y2RI0mfH
— Paul Kerensa (@paulkerensa) June 24, 2021
I thought it was Saturday morning cause the kids aren't at school so I took my bins out.
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) June 25, 2021
My next door neighbour heard me taking my bins out so he took his bin out.
His neighbour has now taken his bin out.
It's a chain reaction that cannot be stopped.
This is awful
Roses are red
— Harry Baker (@harrybakerpoet) June 25, 2021
Bluebells are blue
Violets are violet
The name is a clue
As everyone enjoys the Hancock story this morning spare a thought for his kids who didn't ask for their lives to be in the spotlight and probably aren't having a great day.
— mrjameskay on threads (@mrjameskay) June 25, 2021
The best argument for visiting a country on the amber list is to get a break from hearing the constant misuse of 'staycation'
— Joe Henegan (@Joe_Henegan) June 25, 2021
Matt Hancock – It Was Me (Shaggy Parody).
— Munya Chawawa (@munyachawawa) June 25, 2021
Written / Performed by myself.
Edits by @CarlossRicoo.#healthsecretary #matthancock #boris pic.twitter.com/OFmiXFsrZd
I don’t get the “debate” surrounding Matt Hancock. He’s now openly admitted he broke his own rules. So either the Government formally adopts the position “we don’t have to abide by the rules, but you lot do”. Or he has to step down. It’s that simple.
— (((Dan Hodges))) (@DPJHodges) June 25, 2021
Me at work v @MattHancock at work. pic.twitter.com/xxWWIIZcyO
— Rachel Waters 💙 (@racheljwaters1) June 25, 2021
This is what Health Secretary Matt Hancock said to @SkyNews about Professor Neil Ferguson when the professor (& government advisor) broke the rules to visit his girlfriend last year pic.twitter.com/TbQN75jo5t
— Victoria Derbyshire (@vicderbyshire) June 25, 2021
strong statement by Matt Hancock – now let him get on with his vital work giving Covid contracts to his neighbour, hiring his best university friend as an adviser, and criticising government advisers who break social distancing rules.
— Henry Mance (@henrymance) June 25, 2021
They lied pic.twitter.com/2LNVC9DLUx
— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) June 25, 2021
Hearing about the Matt Hancock video
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 26, 2021
vs
Actually seeing the Matt Hancock video pic.twitter.com/OMCCFOXPdo
Expecting Boris Johnson to do the right thing is like expecting your cat to renew your car insurance.
— cluedont (@cluedont) June 25, 2021
Johnson’s getting married again at 3pm to shift the focus.
— Simon Blackwell (@simonblackwell) June 26, 2021
Explaining UK politics through Love Actually plots:
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) June 26, 2021
Matt Hancock is Alan Rickman.
The rest of us are Emma Thompson. We’re exhausted trying to hold everything together while he cheats.
He’s just given us the bloody CD… pic.twitter.com/9gohIkDZiM
Seems the matter wasn’t closed… https://t.co/KhHm6qjBnF
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) June 26, 2021
Reminder.
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 26, 2021
Not worth resigning over:
▪️Worst Covid death toll in Europe
▪️1000s of avoidable care home deaths
▪️Failing to provide enough PPE
▪️Breaking law on contracts
▪️Breaking ministerial code re sister’s firm
▪️Siphoning billions to pals, donors, the guy who owns his local
I’m delighted to see a man acting honourably for the sake of the woman he loves.
— @mrchrisaddison@dizl.de (@mrchrisaddison) June 26, 2021
Sorry, just to be clear: I’m watching Casablanca on BBC2.
why does he look like he’s about to do the ALS ice bucket challenge https://t.co/OOzgA2scbi
— Lucia Keskin (@chiwithaC) June 26, 2021
Andrew Neil is to step back from GB News after just two weeks. His replacement, Seymour Butts, has said he looks forward to taking up his position. pic.twitter.com/sy4UGxTPIr
— The Poke (@ThePoke) June 25, 2021
It's not over until you've crossed the line… https://t.co/r3pMznbtUZ
— Steve Mott (@SidMott) June 20, 2021
O for the confidence of a man who introduced crippling cuts to arts and culture funding, and then applied to be chair of the British Museum https://t.co/EdC2Q3YIM7
— Hannah Rose Woods (@hannahrosewoods) June 24, 2021
Gina Coladangelo has today been named as Matt Hancock's mistress.
— 𝐏𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐲 (@pearlylondon) June 25, 2021
Apparently a few others applied for the position but she knew a friend of his second cousins pub landlord's sister so it was her who got the contract.
Matt Hancock’s private life is his business.
— Pippa Crerar (@PippaCrerar) June 25, 2021
But when he spends taxpayer cash on hiring an old pal who he then has an affair with when he should be tackling the pandemic, it becomes ours. https://t.co/3MrxNUNWVE
Today is the perfect day to discover the exact moment people wake up, simply by looking at the time under their first Matt Hancock tweet.
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) June 25, 2021
Strictly, jungle, Dancing on Ice. We don’t want him. Please. We really don’t.
— Elliot Gonzalez (@elliot_gonzalez) June 26, 2021
Found my old cell phone with optional clip on chatboard for ‘easy’ texting
byu/ontbijtkoek inmildlyinteresting
ineke.co.uk 
Anything to add...?