Things gen Z won’t understand.
Awful job applications.
That's one very lucky bunny 😮#ItalianGP 🇮🇹 #F1 pic.twitter.com/Dtz4EoZdBH
— Formula 1 (@F1) September 10, 2021
THREAD – Terrifying Stats.
— Ali Campbell (@AliCampbell_68) September 10, 2021
So, back in 2011 a paper was written by John Walker, "Last Chance Saloon". In it he says "90% of adults in church were also in the church as children." 90% . . .
Congratulations on making the US Open final @EmmaRaducanu So it begins. @tomallencomedy and I slowly slipping down the pecking order of Bromley Alumni.
— Rob Beckett (@robbeckettcomic) September 10, 2021
1.Bowie
2.Raducanu
3.Allen
4.Bradley from Eastenders
5.Funky Chicks
6.Beckett
I'm an app developer and a pushy boss wanted something moved by 1px, I waited 2 hours and said, there you go. They were happy. I didn't move it by a pixel at all. Still proud of this.
— Fesshole 🧻 (@fesshole) September 10, 2021
Alfred Hitchcock's 'The Birds' but featuring famous birds – as requested by Tom Freeman pic.twitter.com/AytwpNJ9KE
— Jim'll Paint It (@Jimllpaintit) September 10, 2021
So the conclusion is…
— Marina Purkiss (@MarinaPurkiss) September 11, 2021
Either the HGV tests were needlessly stringent before
Or,
The tests had to be stringent for the public’s safety, but we now have a Govt that prioritises Brexit above anything else
It’s a toughie https://t.co/AY3iEEc0Tq
Well done @Channel4 for putting the tennis on terrestrial telly. A lot of young kids will have watched that and have been inspired. Even if it was a disgustingly late bedtime for the parents. 👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻
— Rob Beckett (@robbeckettcomic) September 11, 2021
Murray did it properly – he put us through 4 years of agony before he finally won one – none of this straight from A levels in Bromley to champion in 6 months nonsense.
— Mark Steel (@mrmarksteel) September 11, 2021
Not even hyperbole – That is one of the greatest sporting achievements in British history.
— Sam Quek (@SamanthaQuek) September 11, 2021
A teenage qualifier, never drops a set or even more than four games in any set for the entire tournament! And goes on to become the #USOpen Champion! 🏆🎾🙌🏼🇬🇧
🤯🤯🤯 #Raducanu
Watched this crazy sports movie last night, where a schoolgirl from Bromley entered the US Open and then, listen to this for terrible screenwriting, just won every single set straight through including the final. Oh come on! Good cameo from Larry David though.
— Dara Ó Briain (@daraobriain) September 12, 2021
why is the Queen still awake pic.twitter.com/7iuq2ULhJp
— Henry Mance (@henrymance) September 11, 2021
Someone’s going to have to explain to her what a cheque is
— Nish Kumar (@MrNishKumar) September 11, 2021
The real work begins today for Emma Raducanu: trying to find a bank that’s open and will pay in that cheque.
— Paul Watson (@paul_c_watson) September 12, 2021
Emma Raducanu enjoying Sweet Caroline after winning the #USOpen is one of my favorite sports moments of the year. Sorts are incredible, what a magical and historic run! pic.twitter.com/MtOKzCuEdX
— Joshua Sánchez (@joshnsanchez) September 11, 2021
This is mental isn’t it. THE US OPEN. What a moment. The first qualifier to reach a Grand Slam Final let alone win it. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED.
— Greg James (@gregjames) September 11, 2021
No you see, when we were singing “It's Coming Home” in the summer what we were actually referring to was the 2021 US Open Women's Singles title.
— Jonny Sharples (@JonnyGabriel) September 11, 2021
It was funny seeing people going after Tim Henman last night when before him the Brits often all went out of Wimbledon before the intro music had finished. Andrew Castle saw it as a successful tournament if he managed to park his car and get a court.
— Paul Watson (@paul_c_watson) September 12, 2021
How do you handle pressure? pic.twitter.com/1SMcH95yev
— lornmacdonald_ (@LornMacdonald_) September 11, 2021
You're never too old to try something new. I think I might learn how to play tennis.
— Paddington (@paddingtonbear) September 12, 2021
I keep reading that Emma Raducanu shows how if you work hard you can achieve anythjng.
— Stephen Pollard (@stephenpollard) September 13, 2021
Except it's not true. If you work hard you can fulfil your potential, which is very different.
No matter how hard I work I will never nor could ever have won the US Open.
If you thought "well, she can't possibly be more impressive" think again. https://t.co/8QJN2XyMfi
— David Baddiel (@Baddiel) September 12, 2021
— Damon Hill (@HillF1) September 12, 2021
Above everything, today we are so grateful for the advances in safety of our sport pic.twitter.com/oBgq5DxM91
— Formula 1 (@F1) September 12, 2021
Did Max just park his car on top of Lewis’s head and walk off without checking if he was alive? #ItalianGP
— Rory Reid (@MrRoryReid) September 12, 2021
That is a very good point. Learned from Lightening McQueen perhaps? #f1 https://t.co/AJwHyfnWr9
— Damon Hill (@HillF1) September 14, 2021
Like the hardcore gal I am I got locked in the Covent Garden branch of Waterstones on a Friday night pic.twitter.com/3vmeTQvmoZ
— Isabel AdomakohYoung (@isabel_ay) September 10, 2021
My dad has long been on various medications. I spoke to his GP a while back and asked whether they'd all be still working, as they all have side-effects, and he agreed to take him off one or two to see: and he's now much brighter. Maybe such reviews are often worthwhile. pic.twitter.com/0ZYEopLakv
— David Baddiel (@Baddiel) September 12, 2021
Climate change protestors block the M25, because if there’s one thing that’s good for the environment it’s thousands of cars idling all day.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) September 13, 2021
Meanwhile in East Ham https://t.co/IFfwcDujiy
— Jeremy Vine (@theJeremyVine) September 13, 2021
In 2010 Rex found a discarded sandwich in this hole in the cliff.
— Onken (@NonHic) September 12, 2021
Since that day we can't pass without him looking in it on the offchance the magic sarnie cliff offers up a sacrifice. pic.twitter.com/pBc9hxucZO
Whoops. pic.twitter.com/vcax3JXYd8
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) September 13, 2021
Describing church using Boris GIFs. A thread 🧵
— Jamie Lavery (@JamieLavery_) September 13, 2021
Your cousin’s friend has a sexually transmitted infection. https://t.co/JtTCIpYj9Q
— Adam Kay (@amateuradam) September 13, 2021
TO UNLOCK THIS CELEBRITY PLEASE DOWNLOAD THE HOLLYWOOD DLC4 for £15.99 pic.twitter.com/CDSYo3EEM5
— TechnicallyRon (On all the platforms) (@TechnicallyRon) September 14, 2021
Who wore it better? pic.twitter.com/kgpwXNf3E6
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) September 14, 2021
Press release arrives listing the "world's favourite beers" based on how much people Google them.
— Rob Davies (@ByRobDavies) September 13, 2021
Reader, you may not be surprised to find that Corona came top by miles.
The release makes no mention of why this might be. Presumably people just LOVE Corona.
I feel like there should be more collective soul-searching about commuting. Millions of us did it five days a week, year after year, and it was horrible and expensive, and it turned out to be almost entirely unnecessary.
— @jamestplunkett.bsky.social (@jamestplunkett) September 14, 2021
Chris Whitty has been an outstanding leader throughout this pandemic.
— Natalie Silvey (@silv24) September 14, 2021
There isn’t much more to say as he has been exceptional and we have been so lucky to have him.
Oh this is brilliant, they’ve got the coding wrong. pic.twitter.com/d0IIXJ3oef
— Dan Bloom (@danbloom1) September 14, 2021
Thinking of those who died who did have serious health conditions – people whose lives still mattered, despite what headlines imply. https://t.co/tC4mwCGPtN
— Frances Ryan (@DrFrancesRyan) September 14, 2021
It's a Sea-Rex https://t.co/Rxm3Peg5vP
— Tyler (@PunMasterTyler) September 14, 2021
I kid you not, Sajid Javid just told people to wear face coverings in enclosed spaces…standing in front of a bunch of Conservative MPs sat next to each other without face coverings in an enclosed space.🤦🏻♀️ #oneruleforthem #doasIsay
— Sarah Owen MP (@SarahOwen_) September 14, 2021
Unfortunately I’m unable to attend your wedding as I had a coffee with a friend last Thursday and I need at least a week on my own after every interaction with another human
— alistair green (@mralistairgreen) September 14, 2021
This is a cat taking its duty seriously: https://t.co/Y61C54xsV8
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) September 14, 2021
Am hearing @susiedent to 'Pointless', @benshephard to 'Only Connect' and John Humphreys to 'Tipping Point'. Bradley Walsh staying at 'The Chase' for now. #QuizReshuffle
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) September 15, 2021
Me watching a film
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) September 15, 2021
1. Start watching
2. Wonder what I’ve seen one of the actors in previously
3. Google actor
4. Go to their Wikipedia page
5. Find out every detail of their entire life
6. Realise I’ve completely missed the plot of the film and have no idea what’s going on
One problem with the idea of a vaccine passport is whatever form they take will be hard to police and easy to fake.
— Alice R Fraser (@aliterative) September 16, 2021
What they really should have done is put a traceable sort of microchip thing into the vaccine using nanotechnology…
I never understand cabinet reshuffles. It leaves no room for specialists or people with deep knowledge of something. It's like if there was a sudden national reshuffle, and I was suddenly made an ear surgeon.
— Danny Wallace (@dannywallace) September 15, 2021
#Reshuffle I was offered Gavin Williamson’s job but wasn’t willing to accept a demotion… pic.twitter.com/J0bI2L0Abc
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) September 15, 2021
I've been watching the Great British Sewing Bee and have some thoughts about the material they use most commonly
— Al Kennedy (@housetoastonish) September 15, 2021
(thread)
We are always in-person
— Revd Kt 🏳️🌈 (@KtTup) September 16, 2021
We are always in a body
Sometimes online
Sometimes onsite
Always in-person
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk
— Rob Leyenda (@LeyendaRob) September 16, 2021
Justin Welby just hit a home run @JustinWelby 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/hHFlSeV12y
— Dave Gobbett (@DaveGobbett) September 15, 2021
Me checking Twitter to make sure that Tom Hanks is okay.
— NUFF (@nuffsaidny) September 16, 2021
pic.twitter.com/Vci5375chx
I don’t even think people know why they’re refusing the vaccine at this point. It’s like kids fighting sleep. You know this is good for you, you just don’t wanna be told what do.
— Talia Caldwell (@ESOTERICTalia) September 15, 2021
This is very clever – kudos to the creator! pic.twitter.com/ubqIC4LVyG
— not the bible (@thenotthebible) September 13, 2021
Just worked through the @CCLI's 25 most popular worship songs after spending months studying the Psalms. Here's what stands out:
— Michael J. Rhodes (@michaeljrhodes) September 14, 2021
1. Justice is mentioned only 1x in 1 song. Mishpat alone shows up 65x in 33 different Psalms.
2. The poor are completely absent in the top 25.
24 underrated websites. A thread 🧵👇
— Lucy Hughes (@lucyhughes_PR) September 15, 2021
why does this photo of @officialsteps look like a thrilling new ITV crime drama coming this winter? pic.twitter.com/fK7SlhmukR
— bally singh (@putasinghonit) September 16, 2021
Oh good. Shops to sell fruit and vegetables in pounds and ounces.
— Debra Shakespeare (@debra_shakes) September 16, 2021
It truly is pathetic.
I’m 55 and was wholly taught in the metric system.
How old do you have to be to have been taught purely in imperial measurements?
Sorry, but fuckwitery overload.
Breaking news: Government to announce that all new TV sets should be black and white only.
— Fr Ian Maher SCP🇺🇦🏴🇪🇺🐝#RejoinEU (@IanMaher7) September 17, 2021
I don’t know shit but it seems to me that politics in general used to be quietly, grindingly boring and administrative, but now it’s performative. To the colossal detriment of everyone on earth. Pint?
— Shaun Keaveny 💙 (@shaunwkeaveny) September 17, 2021
My constituents are bothering about losing 20 quid a week from their Universal Credit not twenty ounces or twenty pounds.
— Angela Rayner 🌹 (@AngelaRayner) September 17, 2021
How out of touch can you be to care more about the measurements in shops than whether working people can afford their weekly shop and put food on the table https://t.co/edvPKAWwv0
Feel free to add "strong GIF game in chat" to the special skills section of your resume.
— Microsoft Teams (@MicrosoftTeams) September 17, 2021
I think I have a distinctively British sitcom to pitch. https://t.co/xm2ZiqxLA8
— Robert Hutton (@RobDotHutton) September 17, 2021
Honestly the best moment in this show was John’s words at the end. MS can be tough but I wanted to show people with ms can still be amazing and achieve great things 🥰 https://t.co/wKkAUTK7I4
— Kadeena Cox OBE (@kad_c) September 17, 2021
Counterpoint: we do need a control group. https://t.co/McjcM8XQDF
— Peter Sivey (@petesivey) September 17, 2021
This idea that teachers ‘did almost nothing’ – whether it’s for clicks or whatever – is SO insulting and idiotic that I can’t keep to my usual rule of not engaging with insulting and idiotic stuff. Teachers have never stopped working. https://t.co/oPfguo00Aj
— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) September 17, 2021
Piers isn’t being paid to bring in viewers from the right. He’s being brought in to solicit hate views from the left. So do not offer him your views, quote tweets or hot takes in outraged opposition to his deliberately and theatrically offensive shock “opinions.” 🙏🏽 https://t.co/mCIZ7nSEbY
— ❤️ Jameela Jamil ❤️ She/Her ❤️ (@jameelajamil) September 18, 2021
Scottish shadows pic.twitter.com/62k87xNmwy
— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) September 17, 2021
Oooh heaven is a place on earth pic.twitter.com/2xRqEW2Nx7
— Rob Manuel 🍳 (@robmanuel) September 17, 2021
Best mug on earth. Thank you @MrDanWalker @BBCRadio2 pic.twitter.com/u38Ag7U8fI
— Claudia Winkleman (@ClaudiaWinkle) September 18, 2021
Word snippet of the day: ‘goodbye’ is a shortening of ‘God be with ye’, once a traditional farewell.
— Susie Dent (@susie_dent) September 18, 2021
‘Howdy’ is from ‘how do ye [do]?’, and ‘wotcher’ is from ‘what cheer?’, a popular greeting from the 15th century meaning ‘how are you?’.
The knobbles on our kneecaps are as individual as our fingerprints or irises.
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) September 18, 2021
Image: Jörg Bittner Unna pic.twitter.com/RWdtLg5XGu
Fixed it!
— Rachel Riley MBE 💙 (@RachelRileyRR) September 18, 2021
Paper misses joke as @susiedent suspended for impersonating @susie_dent 😆https://t.co/nn4QK45yCx
An extremely rare photo of a stork delivering a baby! pic.twitter.com/VWGnHSDrdn
— Whitney Devlin (@whitneydevlin) September 17, 2021
Doors open in 2 minutes.
— Waterstones Swansea (@swanseastones) September 18, 2021
This is Gregory Peck. We spent much of yesterday ushering him out of the shop, but he just kept coming back in.
Book-loving pigeons are the best pigeons. pic.twitter.com/EtoG8Y2KoG
Why did they stop putting outtakes at the end of movies?
— LADbible (@ladbible) September 18, 2021
Bring them back.
Why are we still asking "why" when someone says they aren't drinking?
— Danielle Stasko (@DanielleStasko) September 17, 2021
ineke.co.uk 
Anything to add...?