ineke.co.uk

1. Buy cheap umbrella
2. Have it die on you mid-storm
3. Buy expensive umbrella
4. Forget it on public transportation
5. Repeat steps 1-4 until you die

— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) March 2, 2018

A whole orange will float on water, but a peeled orange will sink.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) March 4, 2018

How to teach maths. pic.twitter.com/0pdRHE4MyW

— Matt Parker (@standupmaths) March 4, 2018

Some word trivia for the day: the pies we eat take their name from the magpie – they contain various combinations of ingredients, just as the bird likes to collect a variety of random objects.

— Susie Dent (@susie_dent) March 5, 2018

Jacob Rees-Mogg claims that John Major is part of the “elite”.

Rees-Mogg:
Educated at Eton and Oxford. Former investment banker. Estimated wealth of £100m.

John Major:
Grew up in a rented flat in Brixton.
Left school at 16 with 3 O-levels.
Failed a test to be a bus conductor.

— James Melville 🚜 (@JamesMelville) March 4, 2018

Fake tattoo proofreading position available. Experience with apostrophes a must.

— Emma Watson (@EmmaWatson) March 5, 2018

Theresa May's plan to remove public sector pay cap 'unaffordable' say MPs who will receive a 1.8% pay rise in April.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) March 6, 2018

Nigel and Nell locked in a stick- off during todays’d GW filming. pic.twitter.com/fgUAcLkJTy

— Monty Don (@TheMontyDon) March 6, 2018

The first work of fiction about travelling back in time to kill the young Adolf Hitler was published in 1941.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) March 7, 2018

Richard Herring does this every International Women’s Day and it’s very satisfying indeed https://t.co/GDbNC9LUUr h/t @Herring1967 #InternationalWomensDay #InternationalWomensDay2018 pic.twitter.com/twVv4ChQci

— The Poke (@ThePoke) March 8, 2018

Thanks, lowest rated President in HISTORY. https://t.co/E01UgDaZ3T

— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) March 6, 2018

This 14-word takedown of Brexit will take some beating https://t.co/18813KmLbo pic.twitter.com/T03E7AUUkP

— The Poke (@ThePoke) March 8, 2018

The computer system of Britain’s police force is called the Home Office Large Major Enquiry System: HOLMES for short.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) March 9, 2018

This makes me want to retire as a journalist, because I have been desperate to put Brexit in a simple nutshell, and the bloomin’ PM of Luxembourg has done it perfectly. Impossible to better. Sigh https://t.co/GwOi0vwX1e

— Robert Peston (@Peston) March 8, 2018

“What’s your dream dinner party guest list?”
“Just me, I think”

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) March 9, 2018

Donald Trump is what happens when you tell a child all his ideas are special.

— shauna (@goldengateblond) August 7, 2015

TV idea: Celebrity chef cookery prog where they have to do the washing up after. Let's see how many ingredients and pans they use then.

— Tits McGee/@scientits.bsky.social (@Scientits) April 2, 2016

If somebody could photoshop a quiff onto this emoji….

🤓

….I’d never have to sign an email again.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) March 10, 2018