ineke.co.uk

1. Buy cheap umbrella
2. Have it die on you mid-storm
3. Buy expensive umbrella
4. Forget it on public transportation
5. Repeat steps 1-4 until you die

— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 2, 2018

A whole orange will float on water, but a peeled orange will sink.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) March 4, 2018

How to teach maths. pic.twitter.com/0pdRHE4MyW

— Matt Parker (@standupmaths) March 4, 2018

Some word trivia for the day: the pies we eat take their name from the magpie – they contain various combinations of ingredients, just as the bird likes to collect a variety of random objects.

— Susie Dent (@susie_dent) March 5, 2018

Jacob Rees-Mogg claims that John Major is part of the “elite”.

Rees-Mogg:
Educated at Eton and Oxford. Former investment banker. Estimated wealth of £100m.

John Major:
Grew up in a rented flat in Brixton.
Left school at 16 with 3 O-levels.
Failed a test to be a bus conductor.

— James Melville (@JamesMelville) March 4, 2018

Fake tattoo proofreading position available. Experience with apostrophes a must.

— Emma Watson (@EmmaWatson) March 5, 2018

Here’s another big problem with the Oscars no one talks about: It’s 99% drama. Until a movie like “Bridesmaids” or “Airplane!” gets a Best Picture win or even a nomination, it’s all conspicuously incomplete. “Get Out” is a breath of fresh air to be sure, but it’s the exception.

— Seth MacFarlane (@SethMacFarlane) March 5, 2018

Theresa May's plan to remove public sector pay cap 'unaffordable' say MPs who will receive a 1.8% pay rise in April.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) March 6, 2018

Nigel and Nell locked in a stick- off during todays’d GW filming. pic.twitter.com/fgUAcLkJTy

— Monty Don (@TheMontyDon) March 6, 2018

The first work of fiction about travelling back in time to kill the young Adolf Hitler was published in 1941.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) March 7, 2018

Maybe this is the greatest thing seen in 2018 so far. pic.twitter.com/nAFtT59xqb

— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) March 7, 2018

Men. Dear, dear men. If a day for women exists, it is not saying that men don't have specific problems. It is just saying that women have specific problems. If you want to protect the oceans, it doesn't mean you don't care about forests.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) March 8, 2018

Richard Herring does this every International Women’s Day and it’s very satisfying indeed https://t.co/GDbNC9LUUr h/t @Herring1967 #InternationalWomensDay #InternationalWomensDay2018 pic.twitter.com/twVv4ChQci

— The Poke (@ThePoke) March 8, 2018

Thanks, lowest rated President in HISTORY. https://t.co/E01UgDaZ3T

— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) March 6, 2018

McDonalds: In celebration of women we are flipping the arches upside down.

Or you could give your employees better benefits.

McD: Look it's a W!

Maybe a living wage? Better family leave? A career path forward in the face of automation?

McD: The W stands for women.

— bogwolf (@truebe) March 7, 2018

This 14-word takedown of Brexit will take some beating https://t.co/18813KmLbo pic.twitter.com/T03E7AUUkP

— The Poke (@ThePoke) March 8, 2018

The computer system of Britain’s police force is called the Home Office Large Major Enquiry System: HOLMES for short.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) March 9, 2018

This makes me want to retire as a journalist, because I have been desperate to put Brexit in a simple nutshell, and the bloomin’ PM of Luxembourg has done it perfectly. Impossible to better. Sigh https://t.co/GwOi0vwX1e

— Robert Peston (@Peston) March 8, 2018

SON: When was the Big Bang?
ME: Um, about 13 billion years ago.
SON: I mean, what day of the week?
ME: They didn't have days of the week. No-one had invented them.
SON: It still must have been a day. Was there time?
ME: Yeah. It was how time started.
SON: Bet it was a Tuesday.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) March 9, 2018

“What’s your dream dinner party guest list?”
“Just me, I think”

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) March 9, 2018

Donald Trump is what happens when you tell a child all his ideas are special.

— shauna (@goldengateblond) August 7, 2015

TV idea: Celebrity chef cookery prog where they have to do the washing up after. Let's see how many ingredients and pans they use then.

— Tits McGee (@Scientits) April 2, 2016

If somebody could photoshop a quiff onto this emoji….

🤓

….I’d never have to sign an email again.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) March 10, 2018