ineke.co.uk

If you were born on the 1st of January 1990, your birth date is closer in time to the first man journeying into space than to today.
Enter your birth date at https://t.co/aoUqdeAaez for your own fact. Warning: it may make you feel old.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) December 23, 2018

I feel bad about all the burglars who never had the confidence to rob a house on christmas thanks to me.

— Macaulay Culkin (@IncredibleCulk) December 23, 2018

I could watch this for hours pic.twitter.com/KAJYgdMX7p

— Ian Fraser (@Ian_Fraser) December 13, 2018

Crazy to think that if Airbnb existed in Biblical times, Jesus would have been born in a loft conversion above a stranger’s garage.

— Pundamentalism (@Pundamentalism) December 24, 2018

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) December 23, 2018

Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse…
Because I’d eaten it.

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) December 24, 2018

The 'bed-pan nativity' – for all those working in the NHS over the Christmas period – thank you x pic.twitter.com/UDJjcFyvF0

— Kate Wyles (@KateEWyles) December 24, 2018

The world goes crazy when Tesco shuts for one day pic.twitter.com/2ZieNxWXw9

— SH ❕ (@DontFollowStu) December 24, 2018

BREAKING: Santa shot down by military police over Gatwick.

— Pundamentalism (@Pundamentalism) December 25, 2018

Live footage of the UK leaving the EU https://t.co/TBqS2MGoqL

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) December 24, 2018

Christmas Eve – when there's twenty times more food in the house, but you're not allowed to eat anything.

— innocent drinks (@innocent) December 24, 2018

OK OK incoming best idea:
Muppet Les Miserables
Hugh Jackman is still Valjean but the rest of the cast are The Muppets.
I will accept no feedback this idea is already fully formed and perfect.

— Candice Maplestreet (@Chellodello) December 23, 2018

How Christmas changes when you get older. #MerryChristmas! pic.twitter.com/lOghOBrvoq

— Dave (@davechannel) December 25, 2018

I am *not* really a baker or a sculptor, which will be obvious from these pictures. However, I *am* really a fan of @AlexHorne and #Taskmaster – so I present to you in gingerbread form

THE TASKMASTER HOUSE, SEASON 7

Merry Christmas, everyone!#gingerbreadhouse pic.twitter.com/NPFiSbzr79

— Jenny Sparks (@SparkyRobot) December 25, 2018

In Australia, ‘Summertime’ by Will Smith is the most popular Christmas carol

— David O'Doherty (@phlaimeaux) December 25, 2018

My entire childhood, I thought the old timey movie that Kevin watches in Home Alone (Angels With Filthy Souls) was actually an old movie.

— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) December 25, 2018

Traditional European Christmas Desserts pic.twitter.com/SAZb76pFAD

— Terrible Maps (@TerribleMaps) December 25, 2018

This is how they make cookie cutters and I can’t stop watching it. https://t.co/6KKv1ttDhz

— Liam Martin (@LiamWBZ) December 25, 2018

A bargain at £29512665430652752148753480226197736314359272517043832886063884637676943433478020332709411004889.00 pic.twitter.com/5rkG2QQvnb

— Matt Parker (@standupmaths) December 26, 2018

pic.twitter.com/PAftQxRNUh

— Viz Comic (@vizcomic) December 26, 2018

“SHOCK AS QUEEN REVEALS SHE LIVES IN A PALACE AND HAS NICE STUFF” 🙄 https://t.co/V1L2mWuVUi

— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) December 26, 2018

The Queen’s having to get by with a hand-me-down piano from her great-great-grandmother; if that’s not austerity I don’t know what is.https://t.co/rPBTLxhULf https://t.co/qZl0C9pFwO

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) December 26, 2018

How Sarcasm Works So Well On Here, Lesson 12,456. pic.twitter.com/2733FeG12W

— David Baddiel (@Baddiel) December 27, 2018

Smart motorways are only as clever as the stupidest drivers.

— Jeremy Vine (@theJeremyVine) December 27, 2018

Can the next Mary Poppins sequel be a gritty drama about what she does every second Tuesday and why she requires it off?

— Michael Maximoff (@as_seenontv) December 26, 2018

Next year I'm doing xmas day on boxing day…someone in the queue @Morrisons today bought a £25 Turkey crown for £1. That's mental.

— Charlie Collier (@icharliecollier) December 26, 2018

What’s the most ridiculous thing you got for Christmas I’ll start pic.twitter.com/rkYGp5lM7E

— BP the Gas Station (@BPtheGasStation) December 25, 2018

Isn’t it weird that we sleep? We deliberately lie down to be unconscious for a few hours. Every now and then it trips me out.

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) December 27, 2018

The Church is partly in the mess it's in because of overestimating the power of preaching and underestimating the power of discipleship.

— Dan White Jr. (@danwhitejr) December 27, 2018

All concept of time has dissolved. Could be Friday. Could be Tuesday. Might be Saturday for the eighth day running. When on earth is Bin Day?

— innocent drinks (@innocent) December 28, 2018

Ok. As a HUGE Donald Duck fan, this got me totally emotional!

Best ad ever!!
https://t.co/wMRwtIFJrI

— That Awful Chris Clegg (@chrisdclegg) December 26, 2018

Just found out that my daughter has tipped the Celebrations, Heroes and Quality Street all into one tub so I’ve just phoned the police and reported her.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) December 28, 2018

Glory be! We've just done an edition of #BBCPapers with no mention of the "B" word…

— Martine Croxall (@MartineBBC) December 28, 2018

Another wonderful crisp December day. The robins peck at whatever left over cheese they can find before they go into hibernation or turn back into pigeons in January. No one knows what day it is. Somewhere Jools Holland is being defrosted.

— Dave (@davechannel) December 29, 2018

My eating habits over the last few days have been like constantly putting your phone onto charge even though it's still at 98% battery life.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) December 29, 2018

Harry Kane has been awarded an MBE, which is the only medal he will receive whilst playing for Tottenham Hotspur. #NewYearsHonours

— King Charles III (parody) (@Charles_HRH) December 29, 2018

OH MAN I HOPE THEY RECOVERED BOTH OF THE BOOKS https://t.co/LnbKn37dhC

— November (@postoctobrist) December 27, 2018

2018 in one sentence 🤦‍♀️ https://t.co/492myPUBVf

— Dr Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) December 29, 2018

Tory MP John Redwood has been handed a knighthood.

Theresa May said the honours list should recognise politicians working to help children and tackle discrimination.

Redwood’s ex-wife, Gail: “In the 35 years we spent together John never gave in time and effort to any charity”

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) December 28, 2018

when someone tells me they didn't pick sugar puffs pic.twitter.com/VtXIoGrbrs

— Netflix UK & Ireland (@NetflixUK) December 29, 2018

Word of the day: VAÐLAHEIÐARVEGAVINNUVERKFÆRAGEYMSLUSKÚRAÚTIDYRALYKLAKIPPUHRINGUR (Icelandic) – the key ring of the key chain of the outer door to the storage tool shed of the road workers on a moor called Vaðlaheiði.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) December 29, 2018