ineke.co.uk

IKEA is full of weird ö’s.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) January 5, 2019

He’s only just been born and they’re trying to kill him off already!

— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) January 5, 2019

I’ll let Jesus know that defeating death is on hold then. I heard he only managed it because he had a Lindt chocolate bunny for breakfast. https://t.co/P05E57TXCK

— Hannah (@HannahE27) January 5, 2019

Introversion is not something you fix via extroversion. You fix it by seeing it as something not to be fixed. Let introverts be introverts.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) January 6, 2019

You’ll be more impressed when you watch it a second time. pic.twitter.com/ofVrxPWWjz

— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) January 6, 2019

We've all been there. 😂 pic.twitter.com/OI0JmaQtUK

— Metro (@MetroUK) January 6, 2019

That’s too many mussels on any day of the week… pic.twitter.com/Bw5UTxi3jl

— Bethan Gorman (@Mrs_Gorman) January 6, 2019

i can’t stop watching this pic.twitter.com/JAJ40TSs6q

— Adam Parkhomenko (@AdamParkhomenko) January 5, 2019

We will make the 'changing of the clocks' a weekly event. Clocks will be moved forward on a Monday morning to reduce the drudgery of the day & then back on Friday evening thus getting an extra hour to pursue leisure activities #Manicfesto

— OFfiCIAL mONstER rAVIng LOOnY PARTy (@Official_MRLP) January 3, 2019

Any government that agrees to make the first weekend back at work after Christmas four days long would win by a landslide…

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) January 6, 2019

JANUARY MOTIVATION
If the shops can sell Easter eggs at this time of year, just think what you can do.

— innocent drinks (@innocent) January 7, 2019

Just heard an advert from DFS suggesting I hurry to one of their stores as their best ever price reduction on sofas is ending tomorrow. I'm tempted to do so, but does anyone know if they're likely to have another sale or reduction any time soon, I'd hate to make a wasted journey?

— Ivor Baddiel (@Ivorbaddiel) January 6, 2019

This is why you should never invite comedians on #PointlessCelebrities. Brilliant episode on this Saturday! ⁦@tomallencomedy⁩ ⁦@EllieJaneTaylor⁩ ⁦@joeldommett⁩ ⁦@JamesAcaster ⁦@Isysuttie⁩ ⁦@AlexHorne⁩ pic.twitter.com/KCOJpjE4fM

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) January 7, 2019

Now for the backlash. Colman. She’s so bloody *nice*. And really easy to work with. I’ve loved her since she auditioned for a student comedy show in 1993. Her partner & kids are lovely. She’s a consummate professional with seemingly unlimited talent. WHAT a shocking arsehole. https://t.co/WmggIB1OEH

— Robert Webb (@arobertwebb) January 7, 2019

Drone 2: Drone Harder https://t.co/GNTm4fKmI1

— The Poke (@ThePoke) January 8, 2019

How long did it take to charge those batteries?! https://t.co/nJUYuaVDeN

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) January 8, 2019

“We will be fine with No Deal” say people in a country where flights are halted by a drone, which can’t organise a traffic jam and loses its shit over a vegan sausage roll.

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) January 8, 2019

WHY WON'T KIDS WEAR THEIR COATS. DO THEY THINK I AM LYING ABOUT IT BEING COLD OUTSIDE? WHAT PLAUSIBLE MOTIVE COULD I HAVE FOR DOING THIS?

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) January 9, 2019

The gift that just keeps on giving… pic.twitter.com/W6YueSd4WO

— BBC Four (@BBCFOUR) January 10, 2019

An empty Celebrations tub is great for keeping your home secure pic.twitter.com/LHMURU9uKz

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) January 10, 2019

OPTICIAN: And now try these frames.
CLARK KENT: Yes I like them.
OPTICIAN: WHAT THE F WHERE DID THE OTHER GUY GO

— Danny Wallace (@dannywallace) January 10, 2019

This was meant to be a silly joke in the print version… I genuinely didn’t think about how effective it would be in an e-book… https://t.co/DghuOc9PLa

— Dave Gorman (@DaveGorman) January 11, 2019

How to read books:
1. Purchase book
2. Put book on shelf with other books that you don't have time to read because you keep buying books

— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) January 12, 2019

Happy #Caturdaypic.twitter.com/Y2R15ldPgv

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) January 12, 2019

If Benny Hinn were a cat… https://t.co/9ySiBKPlsQ

— krish kandiah (@krishk) January 12, 2019