Museums fought over who have the best ducks.
Historical facts that mess up the timeline in your head.
I just want Marie Kondo to walk into parliament today holding article 50 and ask “does this spark joy?”
— Jonnie 🌞 (@jonniecharlie) January 15, 2019
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code. He refused to comment.
— Mr. Drinks On Me (@Mr_DrinksOnMe) January 12, 2019
https://twitter.com/JamesAcaster/status/1083861803963162626
@ITV @StephenMulhern @Catchphrase @richardosman NAILED IT!!! “ I look down at him as his middle class” 😀❤️ #classic pic.twitter.com/Ibm23lpNQL
— Jason Collen (@JasonCollen1) January 12, 2019
People who work in Florists always seem very happy. There’s a lesson there.
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) January 13, 2019
I’ve already eaten everything that I’d stockpiled for Brexit. How’s your 2019 diet going?
— Bethan Gorman (@Mrs_Gorman) January 14, 2019
Ever hit a post so hard you Heil Hitler? pic.twitter.com/ezXPMT9S2B
— Mr. Drinks On Me (@Mr_DrinksOnMe) January 14, 2019
JANUARY MOTIVATION
If a humble egg can break a world record, imagine what you can achieve today.— innocent drinks (@innocent) January 15, 2019
Think my proudest professional moments were working with fellow dad Rik Mayall & winning that Bafta with fellow dad David Mitchell. pic.twitter.com/bFBCQ8wXZh
— Robert Webb (@arobertwebb) January 15, 2019
Men if you find this triggering you need to figure out why. Recognise the negative affects toxic masculinity has had on all of us & our society. If you're already "one of the good guys" then an ad like this should encourage you. https://t.co/AGwcX6RJ8O
— MrsTooth (@DebbieTooth) January 15, 2019
https://twitter.com/keatonkildebell/status/1062051121278210053
https://twitter.com/keatonkildebell/status/1062059754145673216
I’m starting to think that chaos with Ed Miliband would have been the wiser choice…
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) January 15, 2019
Brexit is such a mess that even Marie Kondo wouldn’t go anywhere near it.
— Pundamentalism (@Pundamentalism) January 15, 2019
Theresa May finally succeeds in ending free movement by backing herself permanently into a corner.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) January 15, 2019
52 – 48: THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN
432 – 202: Have another crack in a few days— James Felton (@JimMFelton) January 15, 2019
Theresa May HAS to sing this year's UK entry to Eurovision.
— The Poke (@ThePoke) January 15, 2019
https://twitter.com/amateuradam/status/1085211326039900160
The cat: Theresa May
The fish: A Brexit deal parliament will vote forhttps://t.co/CJMDyQPJDZ— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) January 16, 2019
I wouldn’t normally react to this, but…
A) I said no such thing. I merely joked that if the boys win this year, we should all chuck in the towel. It was neither serious nor a ‘rage.’ https://t.co/eZWSabKHoO— Dermot O'Leary (@radioleary) January 16, 2019
And… B) If you think on the day after one of the most important votes in parliamentary history, this warrants front page news- then someone really does need to consider their future in journalism.
Other than that, you have yourselves a good morning all. https://t.co/eZWSabKHoO
— Dermot O'Leary (@radioleary) January 16, 2019
I wonder what David Cameron is doing today? Cotswold pub lunch? Golf?
— Anneka Rice (@AnnekaRice) January 15, 2019
— Matt Cartoons (@MattCartoonist) January 16, 2019
With Parliament completely deadlocked, some fresh ideas to breach this impasse:
– coin toss
– Paper Scissors Stone
– arm wrestle
– Duel at dawn on Parliament Square
– a Hunger Games style battle royale with 15 of each party’s most deranged MPs
– some kind of war— Palmerston the Cat (@PalmerstonFOCat) January 16, 2019
For the avoidance of doubt, I don’t actually want a war. Unless it’s with dogs.
— Palmerston the Cat (@PalmerstonFOCat) January 16, 2019
https://twitter.com/bellamackie/status/1085547515192229894
That was like a diary update from the Prime Minister. Even @huwbbc wants to watch the football
— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) January 16, 2019
The 10 o’clock news team when Southampton missed that last second chance #SOTDER #FAcup pic.twitter.com/WLeWznStey
— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) January 16, 2019
When you ask your flatmate whether you should cook or get a takeaway https://t.co/Jzdo7cpdSQ
— Joshua Zitser (@mrjoshz) January 15, 2019
When a celeb wears an outfit more than once the papers call it 'recycling'. Is it not just, wearing your clothes?? Shall I start saying I'm recycling my pants, bras, hair bobbles, jeans, tops, contact lenses, general sense of inadequacy etc???
— Louise (@LouisePentland) January 16, 2019
BREAKING: Cold weather expected to provide UK with at least 2 weeks of mundane small talk.
— Dave (@davechannel) January 17, 2019
BREAKING: Cold weather expected to provide UK with at least 2 weeks of mundane small talk.
— Dave (@davechannel) January 17, 2019
https://twitter.com/BootstrapCook/status/1085658451911438337
I’ve been asked a few times if I support a people’s vote. It was people that got us into this mess – I propose a cats’ vote…
Likely result: being allowed to leave and return whenever we damn well want.— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) January 18, 2019
My 13 year old son just told me that he thinks winter is probably a good season to commit crimes as wearing gloves wouldn’t look suspicious and I’m not worried about that in the slightest. Nope. Not worried at all.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) January 18, 2019
it's what you get from spar when your mum forgot to pack you a wagon wheel and you don't have enough for a twix but want something better than a freddo. what is so hard to understand https://t.co/za4vtoA1rB
— Netflix UK & Ireland (@NetflixUK) January 18, 2019
Excellent subtitle error as Michael Gove winds down no confidence debate. #batman #jeremycorbyn #NoConfidenceMotion 🦇 pic.twitter.com/WCj25DV583
— Nina Massey (@ninamasseyPA) January 16, 2019
Somebody spotted this brilliant mug in their doctor’s surgery.https://t.co/FNSFpYmjXA pic.twitter.com/hbQet6qLJj
— The Poke (@ThePoke) January 18, 2019
Orchids suffer from jetlag: after a long journey a plant that usually opens its leaves in the morning will open its leaves at night and take a few days to readjust.
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) January 18, 2019
https://twitter.com/JaneyGodley/status/1086190067058642944
https://twitter.com/BuzzFeedUK/status/1086322830894120966
https://twitter.com/Jessclaremiller/status/1086327383790039040
Oh my god, someone had to ask to breathalyse the Duke. Can you imagine if it had been the Queen driving instead?
— Danny Wallace (@dannywallace) January 17, 2019
The MOT is an annual test to make sure that your vehicle is roadworthy . The @Official_MRLP would introduce the ROT an annual test to make sure that the roads are car worthy! #Manicfesto pic.twitter.com/DVqGy9SwUk
— 📣 Barmy Lord Brockman 🎩 2nd Earl of Mustard (@BarmyLord) January 18, 2019
Don't want to alarm anyone but the people responsible for getting us food if there's no deal are already guarding their donuts with a machine gunpic.twitter.com/LSbX1AUbiU
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) January 15, 2019
https://twitter.com/gregjames/status/1084788540968521729
Life made 🤣 you need to see this @RealSirTomJones doing an Essex accent 😂😂👍🏻💯🔥 pic.twitter.com/jpH1YARacE
— Olly Murs (@ollymurs) January 12, 2019
https://twitter.com/CafeFantasia/status/1084076271041155073
Our new favourite thing = @SandiToksvig's AMAZING laugh. 😂😂❤️ #QI pic.twitter.com/WGLDuqaqA6
— BBC Two (@BBCTwo) January 18, 2019
Anything to add...?