ineke.co.uk

I just want Marie Kondo to walk into parliament today holding article 50 and ask “does this spark joy?”

— Jonnie 🌞 (@jonniecharlie) January 15, 2019

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code. He refused to comment.

— Mr. Drinks On Me (@Mr_DrinksOnMe) January 12, 2019

@ITV @StephenMulhern @Catchphrase @richardosman NAILED IT!!! “ I look down at him as his middle class” 😀❤️ #classic pic.twitter.com/Ibm23lpNQL

— Jason Collen (@JasonCollen1) January 12, 2019

People who work in Florists always seem very happy. There’s a lesson there.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) January 13, 2019

I’ve already eaten everything that I’d stockpiled for Brexit. How’s your 2019 diet going?

— Bethan Gorman (@Mrs_Gorman) January 14, 2019

Ever hit a post so hard you Heil Hitler? pic.twitter.com/ezXPMT9S2B

— Mr. Drinks On Me (@Mr_DrinksOnMe) January 14, 2019

JANUARY MOTIVATION
If a humble egg can break a world record, imagine what you can achieve today.

— innocent drinks (@innocent) January 15, 2019

Think my proudest professional moments were working with fellow dad Rik Mayall & winning that Bafta with fellow dad David Mitchell. pic.twitter.com/bFBCQ8wXZh

— Robert Webb (@arobertwebb) January 15, 2019

Men if you find this triggering you need to figure out why. Recognise the negative affects toxic masculinity has had on all of us & our society. If you're already "one of the good guys" then an ad like this should encourage you. https://t.co/AGwcX6RJ8O

— MrsTooth (@DebbieTooth) January 15, 2019

I’m starting to think that chaos with Ed Miliband would have been the wiser choice…

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) January 15, 2019

Brexit is such a mess that even Marie Kondo wouldn’t go anywhere near it.

— Pundamentalism (@Pundamentalism) January 15, 2019

Theresa May finally succeeds in ending free movement by backing herself permanently into a corner.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) January 15, 2019

52 – 48: THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN
432 – 202: Have another crack in a few days

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) January 15, 2019

Theresa May HAS to sing this year's UK entry to Eurovision.

— The Poke (@ThePoke) January 15, 2019

The cat: Theresa May
The fish: A Brexit deal parliament will vote forhttps://t.co/CJMDyQPJDZ

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) January 16, 2019

I wouldn’t normally react to this, but…
A) I said no such thing. I merely joked that if the boys win this year, we should all chuck in the towel. It was neither serious nor a ‘rage.’ https://t.co/eZWSabKHoO

— Dermot O'Leary (@radioleary) January 16, 2019

And… B) If you think on the day after one of the most important votes in parliamentary history, this warrants front page news- then someone really does need to consider their future in journalism.

Other than that, you have yourselves a good morning all. https://t.co/eZWSabKHoO

— Dermot O'Leary (@radioleary) January 16, 2019

I wonder what David Cameron is doing today? Cotswold pub lunch? Golf?

— Anneka Rice (@AnnekaRice) January 15, 2019

pic.twitter.com/vpUnYP5gpz

— Matt Cartoons (@MattCartoonist) January 16, 2019

With Parliament completely deadlocked, some fresh ideas to breach this impasse:
– coin toss
– Paper Scissors Stone
– arm wrestle
– Duel at dawn on Parliament Square
– a Hunger Games style battle royale with 15 of each party’s most deranged MPs
– some kind of war

— Palmerston the Cat (@PalmerstonFOCat) January 16, 2019

For the avoidance of doubt, I don’t actually want a war. Unless it’s with dogs.

— Palmerston the Cat (@PalmerstonFOCat) January 16, 2019

That was like a diary update from the Prime Minister. Even @huwbbc wants to watch the football

— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) January 16, 2019

The 10 o’clock news team when Southampton missed that last second chance #SOTDER #FAcup pic.twitter.com/WLeWznStey

— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) January 16, 2019

When you ask your flatmate whether you should cook or get a takeaway https://t.co/Jzdo7cpdSQ

— Joshua Zitser (@mrjoshz) January 15, 2019

When a celeb wears an outfit more than once the papers call it 'recycling'. Is it not just, wearing your clothes?? Shall I start saying I'm recycling my pants, bras, hair bobbles, jeans, tops, contact lenses, general sense of inadequacy etc???

— Louise (@LouisePentland) January 16, 2019

BREAKING: Cold weather expected to provide UK with at least 2 weeks of mundane small talk.

— Dave (@davechannel) January 17, 2019

BREAKING: Cold weather expected to provide UK with at least 2 weeks of mundane small talk.

— Dave (@davechannel) January 17, 2019

I’ve been asked a few times if I support a people’s vote. It was people that got us into this mess – I propose a cats’ vote…
Likely result: being allowed to leave and return whenever we damn well want.

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) January 18, 2019

My 13 year old son just told me that he thinks winter is probably a good season to commit crimes as wearing gloves wouldn’t look suspicious and I’m not worried about that in the slightest. Nope. Not worried at all.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) January 18, 2019

it's what you get from spar when your mum forgot to pack you a wagon wheel and you don't have enough for a twix but want something better than a freddo. what is so hard to understand https://t.co/za4vtoA1rB

— Netflix UK & Ireland (@NetflixUK) January 18, 2019

Excellent subtitle error as Michael Gove winds down no confidence debate. #batman #jeremycorbyn #NoConfidenceMotion 🦇 pic.twitter.com/WCj25DV583

— Nina Massey (@ninamasseyPA) January 16, 2019

Somebody spotted this brilliant mug in their doctor’s surgery.https://t.co/FNSFpYmjXA pic.twitter.com/hbQet6qLJj

— The Poke (@ThePoke) January 18, 2019

Orchids suffer from jetlag: after a long journey a plant that usually opens its leaves in the morning will open its leaves at night and take a few days to readjust.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) January 18, 2019

Oh my god, someone had to ask to breathalyse the Duke. Can you imagine if it had been the Queen driving instead?

— Danny Wallace (@dannywallace) January 17, 2019

The MOT is an annual test to make sure that your vehicle is roadworthy . The @Official_MRLP would introduce the ROT an annual test to make sure that the roads are car worthy! #Manicfesto pic.twitter.com/DVqGy9SwUk

— 📣 Barmy Lord Brockman 🎩 2nd Earl of Mustard (@BarmyLord) January 18, 2019

Don't want to alarm anyone but the people responsible for getting us food if there's no deal are already guarding their donuts with a machine gunpic.twitter.com/LSbX1AUbiU

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) January 15, 2019

Life made 🤣 you need to see this @RealSirTomJones doing an Essex accent 😂😂👍🏻💯🔥 pic.twitter.com/jpH1YARacE

— Olly Murs (@ollymurs) January 12, 2019

Our new favourite thing = @SandiToksvig's AMAZING laugh. 😂😂❤️ #QI pic.twitter.com/WGLDuqaqA6

— BBC Two (@BBCTwo) January 18, 2019