ineke.co.uk

A note to every breakfast cafe in Britain. Sourdough toast is not proper toast. Cheap, white toast is proper toast. Maybe brown toast at a push. But not sourdough toast. Thank you.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) March 9, 2019

Dear @apple, I know you have many clever people working for you. Yet no one has come up with the eco idea of NOT MAKING PEOPLE BUY NEW PLUGS AND LEADS FOR EVERY NEW PRODUCT. Not cool. Also, while we’re here, we don’t need newer iPhones with one extra pointless feature. Cheers.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) March 9, 2019

Man tried to sue a magazine for using his picture in an article about hipsters looking alike. Then he realised it wasn't him https://t.co/ROv32xNHdK

— indy100 (@indy100) March 10, 2019

The Venn diagram of people who think Shamima Begum was old enough at 15 to have full understanding of what she was doing and people who think lowering the voting age to 16 wouldn't work because young people don't know what they are doing is a circle.

— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) March 10, 2019

My Mum Everybody pic.twitter.com/nuHgvtjvP4

— B I L L Y (@BillyCullum) March 8, 2019

Just when you think it can't get any better, it does 😍pic.twitter.com/FKgYZlDHKW

— Nooruddean (@BeardedGenius) March 10, 2019

What. Is. Going. On? “My wife Melania. Who happens to be right here”* *But who will not be opening her mouth because she’s actually a woman called Denise from the Bronx https://t.co/TvmAKW52dG

— Emma Kennedy (@EmmaKennedy) March 10, 2019

＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿_
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　 why isn't it
　　 (　･ω･)　 'teethbrush'?
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) August 23, 2015

Had to visit a child's parents and tell them their boy was in custody for starting fires all over town.

Arson? They asked.

Yes. Your son…..

— PC Dave Wise (@CopThatCooks) March 9, 2019

Strangely irritated by the BBC trailer for the new series of #LineOfDuty.
"From the makers of Bodyguard."
No.
Bodyguard was from the makers of Line Of Duty.

— Ian Hyland (@HylandIan) March 11, 2019

pic.twitter.com/JCb0zlLpla

— Matt Cartoons (@MattCartoonist) March 11, 2019

I’ve never felt more hopeful that we might not leave the EU after all. What a time to be alive.

— Martin Saunders 🤦🏻‍♂️ (@martinsaunders) March 12, 2019

If my son is annoyed with me he’s taken to shouting it’s Tracy Barlow in a northern accent in public

— kate ford (@kateford76) March 12, 2019

I wish I knew the Bible as well as I know Friends. Then I’d have a Bible quote for every situation, instead of a line from a sitcom. As it is I’m just becoming more like Chandler every day.

— Martin Saunders 🤦🏻‍♂️ (@martinsaunders) March 13, 2019

What people say: "Bit windy today"

What people mean: "I rode a hurricane to work"

— innocent drinks (@innocent) March 13, 2019

I'm not unconvinced that turning on that particle collider a few years ago didn't mess up reality.

— KWierso (@KWierso) March 13, 2019

pic.twitter.com/udNcUExEQf

— Vinyl Papa (@VinylPapa) March 13, 2019

Michael Gove is right that a No Deal Brexit would be a disaster. He must be so furious with the leaders of Vote Leave like Michael Gove.

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) March 13, 2019

It's #PiDay. Here's Pi to 100 places.
3.141592PLEASE65358979323846264338327950BUY2884197169399375105820974944592307SMOOTHIES8164062862089986280348253421170679

— innocent drinks (@innocent) March 14, 2019

My money’s on us being permanently in a state of intending to leave the EU without it actually happening, and it‘ll go on for so long that it eventually gets resolved by being cancelled, and it’ll be so far in the future that everyone who actually wanted to leave will be dead.

— Jay Foreman (@jayforeman) March 14, 2019

BREAKING: Brexit extension likely to be the end of May.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) March 14, 2019

NEITHER WAS THE FUCKING REFERENDUM https://t.co/pvHqEXZvN4

— Andy Parmo 🇪🇺 (@andyparmo) March 13, 2019

Really looking forward to all the events at the 2020 Olympics pic.twitter.com/yivO3hJ14a

— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) March 14, 2019

Happy Pi Day#PiDay #314day pic.twitter.com/Wfib7wcF0w

— David Crowder (@crowdermusic) March 14, 2019

I might open a shop called Pi. I don't know what it would sell but it would be open 22/7.

— Robin Flavell (@RobinFlavell) March 27, 2014

Remember when we all thought the answer to all stress was colouring in?

— Sarah Millican (@SarahMillican75) March 13, 2019

Strangest 2 things of the night – Steve Barclay, the Brexit Secretary, voted against the plan he had been arguing for minutes before, and the chief whip who is in charge of getting MP s to back the govt, abstained

— Laura Kuenssberg (@bbclaurak) March 14, 2019

Now if we'd only called it the Meaningful Referendum, we could have held it fortnightly, and discarded the results at will.

— Stephen McGann (@StephenMcGann) March 14, 2019

Is this just real life? Is this just fantasy? pic.twitter.com/XzuEnuW17h

— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) March 14, 2019

Average jeans colour per US state pic.twitter.com/FW7EzbH5Lr

— Terrible Maps (@TerribleMaps) March 15, 2019

I’ve absolutely no idea where all the extremist hatred comes from. pic.twitter.com/9etEKTJlDX

— James Melville (@JamesMelville) March 15, 2019

A leading brexit idiot saying that the general public should do something difficult whilst not having to worry about doing it themselves? Sure there is an metaphor in there somewhere https://t.co/5buBQ9lly5

— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) March 16, 2019

Alexandra Burke is responsible for introducing the phrase “elephant in the room” to the UK why is nobody else talking about this pic.twitter.com/ySCOckyJ5M

— EDDIÉ (@kissupndrubup) March 13, 2019

The most perfect thing to ever happen in Leicester @bt_uk pic.twitter.com/QlSvwITMKh

— Clippy from Tekken (@weikiemon) March 15, 2019

New Zealand attorney general announces ban on semiautomatic guns.

What a reasonable response to mass shootings. https://t.co/tXyaA6rsbA

— Shane Claiborne (@ShaneClaiborne) March 16, 2019

My favourite ever tweet. https://t.co/n14MPUnE9R

— Simon Blackwell (@simonblackwell) March 16, 2019