ineke.co.uk

“Which service?”

“Police. My neighbour’s having a BBQ”

“You can’t report someone for a BBQ. Is it excessively loud? Is it causing danger?”

“No”

“I’m afraid I can’t help you”

“THEY JUST STARTED PLAYING WONDERWALL ON AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR”

“OMG! Sending a car right now, ma’am”

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 1, 2019

Cumin sizzling in oil looks like a hundred eyes watching you 🙄 pic.twitter.com/z7C5MMRUEh

— Chetna Makan (@chetnamakan) June 2, 2019

THE 3 TYPES OF PEOPLE

AVOIDERS
Never watched Love Island. Never will. Would move to Mars to avoid it.

PRETENDERS
Claim to not watch it, yet know exactly what's going on. Never free at 9pm…

FANATICS
Couldn't sleep last night. Have no regrets about their Jack and Dani tattoo.

— innocent drinks (@innocent) June 3, 2019

Steps haven't aged well. #tragedy pic.twitter.com/vPhAyY2Ymo

— Pearly (@pearlylondon) June 3, 2019

🇬🇧 🇺🇸 It can survive bullets, explosions and chemical weapons, but 'The Beast' — Donald Trump's famed armoured limousine was brought to a standstill by Larry the Downing Street cat
📸 @lealolivas pic.twitter.com/Twaa0OkFCw

— AFP news agency (@AFP) June 4, 2019

Shine Jesus Shine – a thread:

Shine Jesus Shine is the best song to come out of the contemporary worship movement. Lyrically, musically, melodically, theologically, and culturally, it is in a class of its own 1/6

— Daniel Johnson (@danjohnsonhymns) June 4, 2019

Woman on street: OMG is that dog Peggy?
Me: Yes. Woman: Wow. She’s famous. I am reading her book. Me to self: HER book?
Woman: She belongs to that actress, how come you are walking her?
Me: Ummm…. I just get to walk her sometimes. *Woman stares and walks off suspicious*

— Miranda Hart (@mermhart) June 6, 2019

In that case, what we call a "rainbow" should be called a "sunbow" perhaps. https://t.co/cUdFyN8gRB

— Philip (@PhilipRomsey) July 13, 2018

Just a run-of-the-mill live radio paper-shredding competition with@theJeremyVine
(Congrats @rhwilson83 who was victorious) pic.twitter.com/pqRj3bMZYS

— Tim Johns (@timoncheese) June 7, 2019

Fresh from his triumph of not winning in Peterborough, not-elected-7-times-as-MP Brexit Party leader tells woman who soon will not be Prime Minister that he must be involved in negotiations which are not happening.https://t.co/ac8DKTIDTe

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 7, 2019

I've delivered a letter to the NHS demanding to be involved in open heart surgery whenever I fancy a crack at it. https://t.co/jHOQ2jltHQ

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 7, 2019

Nigel Farage says Brexit voters in Peterborough didn't understand what they were voting for.
Couldn't make it up!#PeterboroughByElection pic.twitter.com/6aoZvHEKug

— Femi (@Femi_Sorry) June 7, 2019

I’m no cosmologist but pretty sure the moon Donald refers to is not part of Mars. https://t.co/5SZJjGPw5P

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) June 7, 2019

YOU HEARD CORRECT, This next season is the FINAL season of @nbcthegoodplace because Mike Schur is the classiest motherforkingshirtball ever and wanted to leave you at the right time in the right way. We love you and we hope you love our goodbye. ❤️ #teamcockroach4ever pic.twitter.com/nlIWpFpSd4

— Jameela Jamil 🌈 (@jameelajamil) June 8, 2019

Don’t believe the too simple narrative that ‘old people voted for Brexit and young people voted Remain’. The 65-85 group were mainly Brexit. But the over 85s voted mainly for Remain. The ones who have a living memory of a violently divided Europe and had the hope of a united one.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) June 8, 2019

Strength is not what you do. Strength is what you overcome. An agoraphobic walking to the shop may require more strength than a hundred mountain climbers. Unseen hurdles are still hurdles.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) June 9, 2019

Flicking through Netflix and not being able to find anything to watch is the technological equivalent of having a wardrobe stuffed with clothes and declaring you haven’t got a thing to wear.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 9, 2019

Ducks have been observed to ride sections of rivers that have rapids, get out when the water is calmer, and then immediately head back to the rapids to ride them again. pic.twitter.com/j0xFq3YXY3

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) June 10, 2019

Until 1979, Sweden classified homosexuality as a mental illness. That year, activists took the classification as an illness to its logical extent – Swedes called in too gay to go to work.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) June 10, 2019

Boris Johnson unveils leadership campaign bus: pic.twitter.com/sQnBVIJlSq

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) June 10, 2019

Well, summer was nice while it lasted. Happy October everyone.

— innocent drinks (@innocent) June 10, 2019

James Harrison, an 81-year-old Australian with a rare antibody, retired from donating blood in 2018. Going every fortnight for 60 years, officials believe he has helped save the lives of over two million babies. #NationalBloodWeek

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) June 10, 2019

Next stages of the Tory leadership contest:
– Swimsuit round
– GCSE maths
– Random drug test
– Judges’ houses
– Litter tray changing speed contest
– Paper, scissors, stone…

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) June 11, 2019

Why do we live longer than our ancestors if we are full of fat and sugar and particulates and stress?

— Richard Coles (@RevRichardColes) June 10, 2019

Strange how none of the newspapers bashing the BBC over the free TV licence thing aren't giving their product away to the over-75s.

— Eddie Robson (@EddieRobson) June 10, 2019

Hi @tesco, @sainsburys, how about helping us out and making loose fruit and veg cheaper than the packaged alternatives?! #WarOnPlastic @itsanitarani

— Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall (@HughFW) June 10, 2019

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the window.

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

— Dad's Puns (@DadsPuns) June 11, 2019

I’d forgotten how much the buses in Bath absolutely STRUGGLE to get up the hill to the uni when they’re full. Feels like we’re one person coughing away from rolling all the way back down to the station.

— Derek 👨‍🔬 (@derekjdurand) June 11, 2019

Right. Fuck. How much is going to cost me to send a copy of This Is Going to Hurt to every Conservative member who might vote for Jeremy Hunt?

— Adam Kay (@amateuradam) June 10, 2019

Tory leadership candidates as Doctor Who monsters – a thread I’m knocking up in two seconds because why not pic.twitter.com/Z34M1W89d1

— David Lewis (@davidclewis) June 10, 2019

In 2017, the Conservative Party received less money from its living supporters than it did from dead benefactors.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) June 10, 2019

WARNING: Clips of Piers Morgan "speaking" are appearing on people's Twitter timelines. Do not under any circumstances watch them. Stay vigilant. Stay safe.

— The Poke (@ThePoke) June 11, 2019

There is a famous woman opposite me in Costa and I don't know who she is. Someone needs to invent facial recognition Shazam. Although they probably shouldn't.

— Martin Saunders 🤦🏻‍♂️ (@martinsaunders) June 12, 2019

Going for the cat-lovers vote? Leadership contender Rory Stewart pats @Number10cat outside cabinet this morning pic.twitter.com/6oY9mkdOwA

— Tamara Cohen (@tamcohen) June 11, 2019

2001 – I’m so excited to have a device which means I can actually talk to my friends wherever we are, any time we want!

2019: I’m so glad this device has multiple options for my friends to be able to get in touch with me without me having to actually talk to them.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 12, 2019

To prove that Boris Johnson is fit to be Prime Minister, please join my rally TODAY. We meet at noon in the middle of the Garden Bridge.

— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) June 12, 2019

What UI wizardry is this?? pic.twitter.com/j6aBgROA3x

— Wendy Nather (@wendynather) June 11, 2019

This article is so cruel. The @Telegraph should apologise for printing such hate. It’s incredibly upsetting. https://t.co/x8RXDgSTt7

— James Corden (@JKCorden) June 11, 2019

#YearsAndYears really is one of the best things in TV. In a world of binge watching and Netflix it’s almost a treat to wait for the next episode. Russell T Davies you are a master.

— ⓈⓉⒺ ⒼⒺⒺ (@stevengrocock) June 11, 2019

The idea that we need to walk 10,000 steps a day goes back to the 1960s when a Japanese company started selling pedometers called, in translation, ‘10,000-step meters’. They chose that name because the character for ‘10,000’ resembles a person walking: 万. (h/t @TheAtlantic)

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) June 12, 2019

"Dog gets so excited at sight of ducks it faints"

Glad we're not the only ones. https://t.co/hVclmkIqum

— innocent drinks (@innocent) June 12, 2019

Fucks given: Zero. pic.twitter.com/ufyl9cKtVX

— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) June 11, 2019

Oh, and Eggheads https://t.co/b6afpHGLLG

— Jeremy Vine (@theJeremyVine) June 11, 2019

What are the very best classic British foods? (savoury edition)
We can now crown Yorkshire Pudding as Britain's finest home-grown food, with 85% of Brits who have tried them saying they like them. Sunday roasts and fish & chips come joint second on 84%https://t.co/2mF0n4khqf pic.twitter.com/pW3xmqQOYu

— YouGov (@YouGov) June 12, 2019

ONE

My dad died. Classic start to a funny story. He was buried in a small village in Sussex. I was really close to my dad so I visited his grave a lot. I still do. [DON’T WORRY, IT GETS FUNNIER.]

— sixthformpoet (@sixthformpoet) June 9, 2019

TWO

We had two children and last year they said they wanted to go to Disneyland. We saved up and booked it but rather than say sure you want to go to Disneyland let’s go to Disneyland, we decided to make them earn it. I told them they needed to raise £3,000.

— sixthformpoet (@sixthformpoet) June 9, 2019

THREE

I lived next door to a couple called Lucy and Tim. They were both lovely but very different to one another. He was a gregarious GET IN HERE AND DRINK CHAMPAGNE WITH ME type, she was far more reserved.

— sixthformpoet (@sixthformpoet) June 9, 2019

Let’s make sure every Brexiter windbag out there sees what someone who *actually* fought in the war thinks:

“Brexit worries me. What we went to so much trouble to do, to collect all the European big nations together, to break it all up now, would be a crying shame, I feel.” pic.twitter.com/svY3hb1zvG

— Alex Andreou (@sturdyAlex) June 5, 2019

I know we are all busy but give yourself a moment to watch this…
This is Harry Billinge who was on #BBCBreakfast this morning.
What an amazing man.
What a heartbreaking story.
What an incredible sacrifice.
How can we ever forget them? #Dday75 #LestWeForget pic.twitter.com/dgP5QYHaZO

— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) June 6, 2019

If I was to visit just one capital city it would be Seoul. If I decided on another one, that would be Dublin. And if I added a third it would be Tripoli.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) June 13, 2019

On days like these there's only one thing to do. Just follow @Number10cat's example. pic.twitter.com/SYLCAUw2sM

— Justin Ng (@justin_ng) June 13, 2019

£20 for a boiled egg, one piece of toast and a mug of tea?

The story of a modern London cafe…

(Read to end of thread before commenting!) pic.twitter.com/h4Zz0xihHc

— Steve Parks (@steveparks) June 13, 2019

I love living in a world where this happens. pic.twitter.com/wEDWindpgd

— Brad Meltzer (@bradmeltzer) June 13, 2019

Good morning @ChukaUmunna we trust that you are well. Twitter seems to be rife with rumours that you are joining the only OFFICIAL party but going through our records we cannot find your membership request. Please can you resubmit your application, tahttps://t.co/NrHwASzmHz

— 📢 OfFiCIAL MoNstER rAVIng LOOnY PArTy 🎩 (@Official_MRLP) June 14, 2019

Life is short, remember to stop and smell the flowers every chance you get pic.twitter.com/GhMlqAauev

— Jaime Banister 🦁 (@JaimeBanister) June 13, 2019

I forgot about this. My (last) interview with @BorisJohnson was back in September and he told me this when I asked him about TV debates 👇 https://t.co/ImGZMmyGlr

— Beth Rigby (@BethRigby) June 14, 2019

Free idea for the Today programme and other broadcasters: if you want Boris Johnson to come out of hiding and be interviewed properly, stop allowing his proxies to come on and spin for him.

— Stuart Millar (@stuartmillar159) June 14, 2019

Could be worse.. https://t.co/Brx12cmhVF

— Ed Balls (@edballs) June 14, 2019

It’s that time of year again when the people who design Father’s Day cards are convinced dads only like football, golf, gardening, racing cars, beer, fishing, ties and farting.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 14, 2019