ineke.co.uk

I’ve been away for a few days. In my absence, nearly-12 year old son has discovered Father Ted. He made us tea tonight and will only speak in Mrs Doyle’s voice. This is the reason I had children.

— Shappi Khorsandi (@ShappiKhorsandi) August 31, 2019

The weight of insects eaten by British spiders each year exceeds the weight of all the British people combined.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) September 1, 2019

I have spent most of today recovering from slight panic induced by eating beetroot yesterday. Phew.

— Prof Alice Roberts (@theAliceRoberts) August 31, 2019

Prior to becoming the first British cosmonaut, Dr. Helen Sharman worked for Mars as a chocolate scientist. It seems likely that her career fulfilled ALL her childhood dreams. pic.twitter.com/EUUkeBqACB

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) September 1, 2019

Why every parent should own a nanny cam pic.twitter.com/c26PA90kfg

— Aussies Doing Things (@aussiesdointhgs) August 30, 2019

Boris Johnson is the British Prime Minister.

It’s so ridiculous that you keep having to say it to remind yourself it’s true. Try not to have nightmares, friends.

— Martin Saunders 🤦🏻‍♂️ (@martinsaunders) September 1, 2019

PREDICTIONS FOR SEPTEMBER

1. Leaves will turn brown
2. School uniform sales will rocket
3. BBQ sales will plummet
4. Cardigans will make a triumphant return
5. So will Christmas ads… [sigh]
6. There will be Pumpkin Spice everything
7. Green Day will have a very long lie in

— innocent drinks (@innocent) September 2, 2019

The good old days before all this technology made us anti social. pic.twitter.com/0c17YXcU2R

— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) September 2, 2019

pic.twitter.com/JzKkwqSm0G

— The Poke (@ThePoke) September 2, 2019

The opposite of a mermaid is a landlady

— Cal Wilson (@calbo) September 1, 2019

IMPOSSIBLE QUESTIONS:

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Should Salt & Vinegar be green or blue?

Who let the dogs out?

Where's Wally?

Is it pronounced "Sep-tember" or "Sept-ember?"

— innocent drinks (@innocent) September 3, 2019

An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. WILL ROGERS

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) September 3, 2019

People think of education as something they can finish. ISAAC ASIMOV

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) September 3, 2019

The physical embodiment of arrogance, entitlement, disrespect and contempt for our parliament. pic.twitter.com/XdnFQmkfCS

— Anna Turley MP (@annaturley) September 3, 2019

Who….who did this? 🤣 pic.twitter.com/NQKwl7JzOq

— ☘️🇨🇾Jack Monroe (@BootstrapCook) September 4, 2019

IKEA is not messing around today. @IKEAUK#JacobReesMogg #Parliament #HouseOfCommons pic.twitter.com/swQKvT1yyE

— David Felton (@doritosyndrome) September 4, 2019

I'm hearing Stanley Johnson has now resigned as Boris Johnson's dad and defected to the Milibands.

— Mark Hebden (@unionlib) September 5, 2019

Small point: every time I was called 'chicken' as a kid, it was because I wouldn't do something staggeringly stupid that would likely lead to arrest, injury or death. I'm personally very fond of the word 'chicken'. It reassures me that I'm doing something right.

— Stephen McGann (@StephenMcGann) September 5, 2019

Day 1 of parliament:
– loses his first vote in commons, first PM to do so since 1894
– reduces his majority to minus 43

Day 2
– becomes first PM in history to lose his first three commons votes

Day 3
– his own brother quits rather than see out the week https://t.co/Qq85o3h2Do

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) September 5, 2019

Accidentally watching the news and needing a lie down until tomorrow

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) September 5, 2019

I would love to see how we will teach this period of political history 100 years from now.

— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) September 5, 2019

Anyone who thinks a no deal Brexit is OK is not paying attention, doesn’t eat fresh food, doesn’t need medication, has lots of fx to hedge against sterling and couldn’t care less about people’s jobs. There. I said it.

— Deborah Meaden (@DeborahMeaden) September 4, 2019

There may be a General Election soon. If you’re thinking about holding your nose and voting for this party, please consider this evidence of the rotten seam of contempt that runs right through their heart. We’ve all got to stop buying the lie that Boris is a pragmatic choice. https://t.co/Pq61keEND2

— Martin Saunders 🤦🏻‍♂️ (@martinsaunders) September 6, 2019

Do you think they’ve ever thought of doing a Lemon Meringue Viennetta?

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) September 6, 2019

Boris – “Oh well, at least I’ve still got my puppy”.

UPDATE: The puppy has defected to the Lib Dems.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) September 6, 2019

BREAKING: Jo Johnson resigns to spend less time with his family.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) September 5, 2019

These circular runways could revolutionise our airports pic.twitter.com/GD48oclhLU

— The Independent (@Independent) September 7, 2019