ineke.co.uk

We have been visited by some customers with a dog named Sausage. This is absolutely the best name for a dog EVER.

— Broadhursts Bookshop (@BroadhurstBooks) September 28, 2019

When Charles II died he had no legitimate heirs, but he did have several illegitimate children. Two of those children were ancestors of Princess Diana, so when William becomes king, he will be the first descendant of Charles II to take the throne.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) September 28, 2019

The casual wave between bus drivers is the only thing keeping this broken society together.

— Cheish (@TheCheish) September 29, 2019

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. https://t.co/N1p8KzGHyJ

— Busy Philipps (@BusyPhilipps) September 29, 2019

If Brexit was a cat…
(Video @savannah_moon_)https://t.co/qVTetDEqzE

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) September 30, 2019

I met a guy called Fernando last week (who'd never heard the Abba song, he's 21) and when he first came to the UK and introduced himself to people they'd say 'can you hear the drums?'

And he just thought it was a weird Manc expression and started saying it back to people

— Ben (@B___K_____) September 29, 2019

Once upon a time I had a secretary called Kelly. Whenever I asked her to do something for me I’d say “Kelly, can you handle this ??!!” 😎😎

— Tim Price (@TimboXIXLXI) September 30, 2019

A friend’s partner is Peruvian. When he first came to the UK, he didn’t know why his landlady served him marmalade sandwiches every day.

— Andy Horton (@fechtbuch) October 1, 2019

I once stopped a lad on a routine check. I thought I was being funny when he said his name was Tom Jones and I said “Why, why, why?” He shot me down in flames when he kept a straight face and said “It’s not unusual”.

— Manin Black (@TheOp3r4tor) October 1, 2019

I think you folks would be really surprised/embarrassed by often I use the iPhone gifs of myself when I’m texting my friends. pic.twitter.com/xBIkCJhLy8

— chris o'dowd (@BigBoyler) October 3, 2019

Yes. https://t.co/TrKqu2fb77

— Dave Gorman (@DaveGorman) October 3, 2019

Wow. He just DM’d: “sorry about that. You’re right, you haven’t mentioned Brexit &even if you had it shouldn’t affect how much I enjoy your stuff. It’s just Brexit means a lot to me & I let it get to me sometimes. Feel a bit silly now.”

Not really. It’s Twitter. He blocked me. pic.twitter.com/8WY0OopGoL

— Dave Gorman (@DaveGorman) October 3, 2019

Remember
That anything
Can be a poem
If you
Just keep
Randomly hitting the
Enter Key
Whilst typing sentences#NationalPoetryDay

— Dave (@davechannel) October 3, 2019

Watching people leaving San Siro football stadium in Milan makes me believe that the entire spiral structure is moving. pic.twitter.com/FepPjsN9ms

— Daniel🎗🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 ॐ (@DannyDutch) October 3, 2019

In Hungary, one word for television static is ‘hangyafoci’, which translates to ‘ant football’.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) October 3, 2019

"Brrrrrr, summer seems a long time ago now," you say, rubbing your hands together. "I'd forgotten what it feels like to be cold."

January lurks silently in the shadows, biding its time. "Just you wait," it whispers, menacingly. "Just. You. Wait."

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 3, 2019

Went to cinema yest for 8:45pm showing, but it was 9:17 before the film actually started.

CINEMAS we pay to see films! Fine show 5/10min of ads & trailers, but this inflation to 33mins isn't on. Either cut pre-screening times, or tell us actual start times too.

RT if u agree.

— Martin Lewis (@MartinSLewis) October 6, 2019

If I could fling people around with my eyes like Eleven in Stranger Things I'd be doing it 100 times a day. Slow walkers on pavement, ditherers at hotel check-in. They'd be flying out of my way like confetti. I'd carry tissues for the nosebleeds.

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) October 3, 2019

No of times EU voted for Brexit: 0
No of times UK voted for Brexit: 1

Deals approved by EU: 1
Deals approved by UK: 0

STFU about the EU trying to push us into no deal, K?

— Lucy Wainwright (@Whoozley) October 3, 2019

I don’t want to play up to unhelpful gender stereotypes here but it’s the end of a long and very active youth weekend away and the boys showers are PRISTINE and untouched. I think we’ll open all the windows for our final session…

— Martin Saunders (@martinsaunders) October 6, 2019

*cough* Democratic Party is older
*cough* you expelled 21 MPs
*cough* deals with DUP & Lib Demspic.twitter.com/uBqcJitCUF

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) September 29, 2019

Tuesday – it's like Monday except you've already asked everyone how their weekends were so now you have to think of something else to say.

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 8, 2019

I’m still not over Woolworths #pizzaexpress

— Susie Steiner (@SusieSteiner1) October 7, 2019

Bake Off: Passionate home bakers bring in their favourite recipes from home and make them

Prue: "They look home made"#GBBO

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 8, 2019

New series, new theme tune. (Thanks @Darren_Dutton)

Have I Got News For You returns this Friday, 9pm on BBC One. pic.twitter.com/BzVkNIxsU9

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) October 7, 2019

Currently mulling the fact that you find a yacht in the middle of a sea, and you find a ‘c’ in the middle of a yacht.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) October 8, 2019

I will vote for any political party who agree to immediately give us the rest of the day off so we can follow this Coleen Rooney/Rebekah Vardy thing properly.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) October 9, 2019

Just realised I’ve mixed up Coleen Rooney with Coleen Nolan so I’ve had an even weirder news day

— Ed Gamble (@EdGambleComedy) October 9, 2019

Us: We could totally win The Apprentice, how hard could it be?

Also us: There is absolutely no way could we get ready in twenty minutes at 4am#TheApprentice

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 9, 2019

We are so used to politicians not answering questions, that the bombastic, direct approach is usually vital.

Yet, here Andrew actually has a guest who gives considered, reasoned, sensible answers…to an actual question that he poses… pic.twitter.com/8hhQJT7Kv7

— Jake Humphrey (@mrjakehumphrey) October 10, 2019

Happy 96th birthday to Nicholas Parsons and Murray Walker.

— Richard Coles (@RevRichardColes) October 10, 2019

Thanks for nice messages about Taskmaster and just to say the show has made a donation to https://t.co/kUW6pJfU3e to try to make up for Baddiel and Matafeo’s breadstick and melon smashing… an excellent organisation

— Alex Horne (@AlexHorne) October 9, 2019

my parents' wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy's wedding into their service?? without asking??? pic.twitter.com/XE7830mOwG

— molly 🇵🇸 (@mollandra) October 9, 2019

When you try to explain #Vardygate to an American… @weemissbea @netflixuk pic.twitter.com/0a01hIyMaH

— NME (@NME) October 10, 2019

The Chupa Chups logo was designed by Salvador Dali. pic.twitter.com/FoLFaADkCv

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) October 10, 2019

My son Joshua (10) just sent me this. He and his twin brother are playing correspondence chess via Google Hangouts using emoji. pic.twitter.com/Ar6UV9jgIi

— Gareth J M Saunders™ (@garethjms) October 10, 2019

I hope it’s Pizza Express… 🤔 https://t.co/Wf68pHma3s

— Chris Stark (@Chris_Stark) October 10, 2019

If #Dyson can scrap his electric car because it's not viable, can we face reality and do the same with #brexit please?

— Simon Bye 🐟🔶 (@UB5simon) October 10, 2019

The collective noun for a group of ducks on water is a PADDLING. pic.twitter.com/Df4qlgu5xB

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) October 11, 2019

The year is 2142. Technology has advanced so much that everything is controlled by human thought. The internet is quicker than the speed of light. CCTV footage still looks like a grainy lego painting for some reason.

— Dave (@davechannel) October 12, 2019

Waterstone’s window display.. fabulous product placement, well done to the staff 👏👏👏😹.. click on the pic to see what I mean… pic.twitter.com/Tm9rMuhTDV

— Carrie B 💙🇪🇺🇳🇿🇬🇧🇺🇦 (@cbtwittle) October 11, 2019