ineke.co.uk

Hagrid: with Harry until the end, the first person ever to be a friend to him, helped him and his friends in school
Snape: torment and hate towards Harry and his friends, was his friend for 2 min
Harry: "naming my kid Severus"
Hagrid: "am I a joke to u"

— Prinxess Ghost of Christmas Present (@Ghostly_Entity) November 29, 2019

Severus Snape was an irredeemable scumbag who bullied, demeaned and humiliated innocent kids just because he was Friend Zoned by one of their dead mothers

Airport security: I meant anything to declare in your luggage

— Laura Steven (@LauraSteven) March 6, 2018

Sir Isaac Newton was only 23 when he discovered the law of gravity.

— What The F*** Facts (@WhatTheFFacts) May 14, 2014

I find it pretty rich that my laptop, a machine, keeps asking me to prove that I'M not a robot.

— Vittoria Gallagher (@Vitt2tsnoc) December 14, 2019

incredible caption here pic.twitter.com/ev7fNSAWvv

— Hannah Jane Parkinson (@ladyhaja) December 14, 2019

This is a public service announcement 🎄 📚 🤓pic.twitter.com/vCYELqyVQa

— Waterstones (@Waterstones) December 16, 2019

BREAKING: Tories begin arduous task of sorting out nine years of the Tories.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) December 16, 2019

The main image of #JaneAusten is based on a very unflattering drawing by her sister that supposedly looked nothing like her

Imagine your worst photo and then imagine *that’s* the picture of you that ends up on the bank note

Ah, Jane. Gutted for ye pic.twitter.com/hqroDsbnAe

— Laura (@ElleEmSee) December 16, 2019

Which cheek do the French kiss you on first #Maps #Map #Terriblemaps #TerribleMap #france #french #kiss pic.twitter.com/cVmWAY3WL4

— Terrible Maps (@TerribleMaps) December 16, 2019

DECEMBER ON CHRISTMAS CARDS
– Pure white snow
– Friendly robins
– Roaring fires
– Wintery wonderlands
– Magical flying sleighs

DECEMBER IN REALITY
– Dull grey rain
– Pigeons who ignore personal space
– “Just stick another jumper on"
– Shopping centre hellscapes
– Train strikes

— innocent drinks (@innocent) December 17, 2019

And I’m very, very proud of you both … (and don’t stay out too late, at least text where you are, and make good choices…) https://t.co/CUZwSxXS6l

— Ed Balls (@edballs) December 16, 2019

newsflash: you can talk about impeachment w/o tagging me.
*curtsies*

— Monica Lewinsky (@MonicaLewinsky) December 16, 2019

The office next door to ours made me feel bad about our lack of decoration so I drew this. #science pic.twitter.com/i2UuNLZSRo

— TwistedDoodles (@twisteddoodles) December 16, 2019

BREAKING NEWS: Say goodbye to comfort breaks! New downward-tilting toilets are designed to become unbearable to sit on after five minutes. They say the main benefit is to employees in improved employee productivity. pic.twitter.com/lfDbeXJdCX

— Dave Vescio (@DaveVescio) December 17, 2019

This is one of the maddest things I’ve ever seen. I can’t work it out AT ALL. pic.twitter.com/lnAHBIsZwo

— Greg James (@gregjames) December 16, 2019

The British Government paid off its debt from World War One in 2015.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) December 17, 2019

When the CIA joined Twitter in 2014, their first tweet read, ‘We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our first tweet’.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) December 18, 2019

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

I'm serious that Israeli how he does it.

— Dad's Puns (@DadsPuns) December 18, 2019

I'm so pleased to see that the whole world has woken up and finally realised that they hate cats. 🙌

— Andrew Wilson (@AJWTheology) December 19, 2019

A quick review of Cats:
Confusing, angry, keep wanting to go out but then meow straight away to come back in. Stare too much. 2 stars.

— Dave (@davechannel) December 19, 2019

Sees Cats is trending: 😺
Realises it’s because of the film: 😾

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) December 19, 2019

Reminder: If you don't say 'see you next decade!' to your work colleagues before leaving for the holidays they won't know whether to hate you or not.

— Dave (@davechannel) December 19, 2019

Ahead of new parliamentary session, Lib Dems are praised for tackling climate change as they can now all travel to Westminster in the same car.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) December 19, 2019

Bring one’s child to work day. #QueensSpeech pic.twitter.com/btQevR1wVN

— Elizabeth Windsor (@Queen_UK) December 19, 2019

I might have to change the name of this 2020 tour to:
The “if I keep adding extra dates the extra income will only be used on divorce lawyers anyway” tour @Rosemarino

— Chris Ramsey (@IAmChrisRamsey) December 19, 2019

Some of the stranger jobs listed in the 1881 census were turnip shepherd, gymnast to house painter, electric bath attendant, examiner of underclothing and ‘running about’.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) December 19, 2019

Fairly pleased with my new scratching post…
(Photo @justin_ng) pic.twitter.com/lXQjjNfWF9

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) December 20, 2019

Blimey.
The view from Greenwich.
40 years apart… pic.twitter.com/WlMrBIJ1ov

— Alastair Hilton (@London_W4) December 19, 2019

We’ve stocked up on loose vegetables this Christmas with 75% more stock of our best selling lines. We know there’s more to do in reducing plastic and are working to meet our target of banning non-recyclable plastic from all branded and own-brand packaging by 2021. pic.twitter.com/mFSTjp1Uyj

— Waitrose & Partners (@waitrose) December 20, 2019

this is excellent – a full and proper explanation of the train signaling failure. its so much easier to empathise when you have the whole picture. communication like this is everything. https://t.co/hfxPlEZ529

— dr julie freeman (@joz_freeman) December 20, 2019

Shoutout to the Tories using the last few days before the holidays to remove the commitment to reunite child refugees (who’ve fled persecution and war zones) in Europe with their families in the UK. So Christmassy.

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) December 20, 2019

Just walked in on my pets having some sort of meeting. Bit worried now. pic.twitter.com/xHWhuUwhC5

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) December 20, 2019

posted without further comment.
god bless lanarkshire pic.twitter.com/ZRkTS6N3nv

— J D Burgess (@BlacktopMagazin) December 20, 2019

Absolute scenes at this train station as a child begs her parents to play "see who can be quiet the longest" and then keeps crying when she loses.

— Aaron (@AaronBoardley) December 21, 2019

I Tried Giving My Daughter The Worst Xmas Gift Ever & I Didn’t Expect This Reaction 😢 pic.twitter.com/44cJytI83m

— LGND (@iamlgndfrvr) December 20, 2019

It’s that time the year when people keep sneaking upstairs with sellotape

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) December 21, 2019

All I want for Christmas are Dauphinoise potatoes but I know that makes for a less romantic song and it wouldn’t scan properly. So I smile and sing “All I want for Christmas is you” but really, I’m always thinking about those potatoes. Always.

— Susan Calman (@SusanCalman) December 21, 2019

We are thrilled to announce that @stormzy will be bringing Christmas Day to a close this year on @BBCOne, telling the story of the first ever Christmas with a reading from Luke’s Gospel. #OnChristmasNight https://t.co/FIhYhCwmJH pic.twitter.com/2yLwTh8DHx

— BBC One (@BBCOne) December 18, 2019

We've made a Christmas ad with Duncan from Blue. (Keira Knightley wasn't available.) pic.twitter.com/IahUEkWrsB

— innocent drinks (@innocent) December 18, 2019