It’s a long and weird week, there’s been a lot of time on the internet and a lot of stuff on the internet, so sorry if this is a bit long! Obviously there’s a lot linked to Coronavirus, but I’ve tried to make sure the majority is humorous, or good advice, rather than miserable or stressful, though the occasional may have slipped in, sorry. Now you see why I do this consolidating in one place, rather than sharing and retweeting all this as the week goes!
Call to day of prayer and action on Sunday 22nd.
980 years to go and Busted’s prediction that ‘not much would have changed’ by the year 3000 is looking in even more serious trouble now.
— Mark Watson (1980-present day) (@watsoncomedian) March 15, 2020
Imagine Twitter during WWII. Christ, it'd be all: what idiot didn't look at the weather forecast before giving D day the go ahead? Why are there a bunch of people doing cross words in Bletchley Park?
— Andrew Johnson (@andyjey) March 14, 2020
Travel editors are having to be very creative. #coronavirus pic.twitter.com/3r4RMCE9Gh
— Richard Eden (@richardaeden) March 15, 2020
Tom. What are you doing? No Australian puts that much vegemite on their toast. pic.twitter.com/bq6m6jY73R
— Julie (@J0Marshll) March 15, 2020
Saw a woman in supermarket with easily 200 cans of long-life milk in a trolley, could feel myself preparing to be snooty, but in fact she worked there and was about to fill the shelves. LIFE LESSON.
— Mark Watson (1980-present day) (@watsoncomedian) March 15, 2020
Supermarket Sweep and Ready Steady Cook are becoming a bit too real….
— Rylan Clark-Neal (@Rylan) March 15, 2020
Day 1 of social distancing: we have alphabetised our bookshelves.
Day 2 of social distancing: we have arranged our books by colour.
Day 3 of social distancing: we are seriously considering actually reading one of the books.— Dave (@davechannel) March 15, 2020
Academic friends:
Isaac Newton discovered calculus while in quarantine.
William Shakespeare wrote "King Lear" while in quarantine.
You will learn how to unmute your computer's microphone during a Zoom meeting while in quarantine.
— Derek T. Muller (@derektmuller) March 14, 2020
Social distancing, 1750s. #CoronaOutbreak #coronapocolypse pic.twitter.com/1R4sNu9QUP
— Professor Lloyd Llewellyn-Jones (@LloydLlewJ) March 15, 2020
Coronavirus testing in South Korea:
1. Drive to a testing station
2. Stay in your car
3. It takes less than 10 minutes
4. Results texted to you the next dayDone. Oh, and it's free.
— Norbert Elekes (@NorbertElekes) March 14, 2020
Almost as long, but 100 x more enjoyable. https://t.co/MaytGFUmTg
— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) March 15, 2020
Friends canceled their son’s Bar Mitzvah this weekend but decided to keep the contract with their caterer, a tiny Hmong-owned business. They delivered the food to friends in quarantine & sent pans home with others. Grateful for stories like this and for community in a bleak time.
— hodel in the streets, chava in the sheets (@mrotzie) March 15, 2020
Ladies and gentleman, 10yo has just made up a joke.
Please let him know how funny you found it. Be kind, he’s 10!
Which composer got the coronavirus?
DryCoughsky
😂
— Margot (@BloodyMargot) March 14, 2020
That lovely community spirit kicking in. https://t.co/z5LGvavY37
— Aisling Bea (@WeeMissBea) March 16, 2020
“And so whatever you do [whether shaking hands or declining to do so, given the times we live in] whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Give no offence.” 1 Corinthians 10:31
— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) March 16, 2020
WHY WE NEED SOCIAL DISTANCING, as illustrated by Scrubs.
pic.twitter.com/uLxE4MbaAC— In the House like Cool J. (@naima) March 15, 2020
You need this pic.twitter.com/kxJ2FqPOHP
— Al (@alste_) March 16, 2020
Absolutely cracking time to release a drama that hinges on coughing. https://t.co/Q7XW4cdKes
— Aaron (@AaronBoardley) March 16, 2020
Due to coronavirus precaution, Bob Shellard isn't allowed to visit his wife in her Connecticut nursing home. So he stood outside her window and held up a sign that said "I've loved you 67 years and still do. Happy Anniversary." https://t.co/cIwZxwmZeN pic.twitter.com/nW86SYm4HU
— NBC New York (@NBCNewYork) March 16, 2020
Just did shopping –
Tesco: no loo roll
Co Op: no loo roll
Waitrose: no loo roll
Local Corner Shop: LOADS of loo roll.Now is the time that the local corner shop owner rises up and saves us all.
— Adam Hills (@adamhillscomedy) March 16, 2020
oh my god, the chicago aquarium closed due to coronavirus, so they let the penguins run around and check out the other exhibits. (staff was present.) pic.twitter.com/YGa8CugymE
— Evan McMurry (@evanmcmurry) March 16, 2020
reckon we should have a rule from now on that involves people not tweeting about coronavirus after 10pm unless there's breaking news, reading this stuff night after night just before going to sleep isn't healthy
— Marie Le Conte (@youngvulgarian) March 16, 2020
Quarantine day 6. pic.twitter.com/er652Oy3Ki
— jamie (@gnuman1979) March 16, 2020
Here's an unexpected side effect of the pandemic – the water's flowing through the canals of Venice is clear for the first time in forever. The fish are visible, the swans returned. pic.twitter.com/2egMGhJs7f
— Kaveri 🇮🇳 (@ikaveri) March 16, 2020
Only in @WeLoveBath would @LidlGB shelves be stripped of only free-range eggs, leaving plenty of cheaper ones. Classy panic buying, Bath. pic.twitter.com/GpJ2aefEtP
— Hamish McAlpine (@hamish_mcalpine) March 17, 2020
Every comedian that ever mocked a Youtuber is about to do a massive about face.
— Adam Hills (@adamhillscomedy) March 17, 2020
The best content you will see this weekend:
President of Ireland Michael D. Higgins' dog enters room of 100 people to look for his owner, walks through everyone to find him, is very happy to do so and demands a belly rub during an official eventpic.twitter.com/mKRxSc6w7P
— Matt Sterling (@MSterling27) March 8, 2020
My youngest son was bored today and said, "can we put Christmas lights on our tree outside to cheer us up?" Great idea buddy. Lights are on tonight as a sign of hope and the sweet mind of my 10 year old. #Rhodeisland #hope #lovemysons #Christmas #Cumberland pic.twitter.com/qhVjeuLc02
— Mike Griffin (@rhodyknowsbest) March 16, 2020
If you don't think our media is broken – tell me how its sensible to have Stanley Johnson on national TV telling people its OK to go to the pub. Why wasn't this slot given to someone who understands the science?
— Mark Hebden (@unionlib) March 17, 2020
— Tom Hanks (@tomhanks) March 17, 2020
I'm still not watching game of thrones.
— kath 🙀🕷❄️🇪🇺 (@KathyBurke) March 18, 2020
MAYBE IT WASN'T A METEORITE AND THE DINOSAURS JUST DIDN'T WASH THEIR HANDS
— David O'Doherty (@phlaimeaux) March 18, 2020
In a lot of Asia, the containment policy was go in hard with lockdowns early and then slowly ease restraints with improved testing and monitoring. Our approach seems to be let the virus grow while we build up to hard measures in stages. Seems upside down.
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) March 18, 2020
John answered, "Anyone who has two toilet rolls should share with the one who has none, and anyone who has hand-sanitiser should do the same." Luke 3:11 (New Applied Revised Version)
— Alistair (@AlistairMay) March 18, 2020
Twitter is getting kinder. Anyone noticed?
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) March 18, 2020
I’ve decided to stop using toilet paper.
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) March 19, 2020
Why are you acting like this is a new decision?
— Jenna Fischer (@jennafischer) March 19, 2020
According to @GregJames this is "Radio 1 folklore." An incredible moment that has never made it to air … before now 😲
Here is @JordanNorth1 with one of the most incredible gaffs you're ever going to see 😂😳 pic.twitter.com/xp3sR8GBNv
— BBC Radio 1 (@BBCR1) March 18, 2020
One would like to remind you that Supermarket Sweep is a British TV game show, and not a documentary. #coronavirus #panicbuying
— Prince Charles (@Charles_HRH) March 19, 2020
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others”.
The Book of Philippians, chapter 2, verses 3 & 4 👍🏻
Have a good one
— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) March 19, 2020
THE TEN COVID-MENTS
Thou shalt stay home.
Thou shalt not gather in groups.
Thou shalt not panic.
Thou shalt not hoard TP.
Wash thy hands.
Honor thy curfew.
Check on loved ones.
Do not COVID thy neighbor's wife.
Seriously, THOU SHALT STAY HOME .
Thou shalt make the best of it.— God (@TheTweetOfGod) March 20, 2020
Watching #Doctors on BBC1, and am beginning to suspect it isn’t live.
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) March 20, 2020
This…
“Now more than at any time in our history, we will be judged by our capacity for compassion. When this is over, and it will be over, we want to look back on this moment & remember the many small acts of kindness, done by us and to us”.
Rishi Sunak, future PM pic.twitter.com/vVNGoDSGGs
— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) March 20, 2020
Looks like @iamchrisramsey and @missalexjones have got this social distancing down! 🛋#TheOneShow pic.twitter.com/Bnh6BslSW2
— BBC The One Show (@BBCTheOneShow) March 20, 2020
Here at @FitStepsLife we want to you to keep dancing. We have halved the price of our online Strictly Fun Fitness Packages so you can #DanceYourselfFit at home with @ianwaite @RealNatalieLowe & get advice from @MarkFosterSwim https://t.co/feykZCCYqc#homeworkout #FitSteps pic.twitter.com/sbBsBaaSuD
— FitSteps Life (@FitStepsLife) March 20, 2020
Mate applied for a temporary job at @Tesco this morning at 7am, got a call at 12pm to go for an interview at 3pm and has got the job! Anyone who is currently looking for any work, try all of the supermarkets as they are desperate for staff to keep the shelves stocked for us.
— Michelle (@xMich_LBx) March 19, 2020
Day 4 of not going out. I blame Lee Mack. He made it look much more fun than this.
— David Baddiel (@Baddiel) March 20, 2020
Exceedingly good cat https://t.co/S3DSsN1tW1
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) March 21, 2020
MILLENNIALS ARE APPROACHING 40. MILLENNIALS HAVE MORTGAGES. MILLENNIALS ARE GOING BALD. MILLENNIALS LIVED THROUGH RAP METAL AND YET HATE THE RADIO NOW. MILLENNIALS WILL LEAVE A BAR IF IT IS TOO LOUD. PLEASE STOP SAYING “MILLENNIAL” WHEN YOU MEAN “TWENTYSOMETHINGS”
— Erin 🏡 Ryan (@morninggloria) March 20, 2020
Happy #Caturdaypic.twitter.com/lw9OXCqE5t
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) March 21, 2020
THIS is how you say goodbye to the children who are temporarily not in your school. You show your appreciation and treat them like superstars. This is the @McrAcademy way. Keep making magic everyone until we reunite. @UnitedLearning pic.twitter.com/rwzDdxqt0e
— James Eldon (@EldonPrincipal) March 20, 2020
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View this post on InstagramFashionable outfits for working from home, by @danajerimaier. #NewYorkerCartoons
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View this post on InstagramWhen someone coughs in your general direction…
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View this post on InstagramHere’s a poem called ‘Serenity Prayer’.
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https://www.instagram.com/p/B92iQSwnMxT/
View this post on InstagramThe ultimate self-isolation banger. In times of trouble, listening to Robyn will always help
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View this post on InstagramHopefully the return of @britishsewingbee will provide a little light relief 🥰🐝
A post shared by Joe Lycett (@joelycett) on
View this post on InstagramInspirational tip of the day.
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View this post on InstagramInspirational tip of the day.
A post shared by Sarah Millican (@thesarahmillican) on
https://www.instagram.com/p/B96p-NKHOH8/
View this post on InstagramWhat a fantastic idea #pewithjoe
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View this post on InstagramYes, you 💛 (signed A3 print available on our website: www.thehappynewspaper.com/shop)
A post shared by The Happy News (@thehappynewspaper) on
View this post on InstagramWait for it…….. Great impression of me @niallhoran 🤣💙 #togetherathome
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View this post on InstagramMood 😴 @hugo_e_luisa_goldenretriever
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View this post on InstagramWe’re here for this kind of news 👏🏼 (via @the.manc) @icelandfoods
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View this post on InstagramIf you can stay in, PLEASE do so. We will only beat this if we ALL act.
A post shared by Matt Haig (@mattzhaig) on
View this post on InstagramTried this myself, didn’t work
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https://www.instagram.com/p/B91wh_BgXem/
View this post on InstagramWe’re not sure why you need to know this, but you do. #Gogglebox
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View this post on InstagramHomeschool of rock 🤘🏻 #homeschool #rock #quarantine
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View this post on InstagramThis only works if people do it! #coronavirus
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View this post on InstagramHow To Make Your Own Coronavirus Puppet #coronaviruspuppet #itsforthekids #donttouchyournose
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Anything to add...?