It’s a long and weird week, there’s been a lot of time on the internet and a lot of stuff on the internet, so sorry if this is a bit long! Obviously there’s a lot linked to Coronavirus, but I’ve tried to make sure the majority is humorous, or good advice, rather than miserable or stressful, though the occasional may have slipped in, sorry. Now you see why I do this consolidating in one place, rather than sharing and retweeting all this as the week goes!
980 years to go and Busted’s prediction that ‘not much would have changed’ by the year 3000 is looking in even more serious trouble now.
— Mark Watson (1980-present day) (@watsoncomedian) March 15, 2020
Imagine Twitter during WWII. Christ, it'd be all: what idiot didn't look at the weather forecast before giving D day the go ahead? Why are there a bunch of people doing cross words in Bletchley Park?
Saw a woman in supermarket with easily 200 cans of long-life milk in a trolley, could feel myself preparing to be snooty, but in fact she worked there and was about to fill the shelves. LIFE LESSON.
— Mark Watson (1980-present day) (@watsoncomedian) March 15, 2020
Supermarket Sweep and Ready Steady Cook are becoming a bit too real….
Day 1 of social distancing: we have alphabetised our bookshelves. Day 2 of social distancing: we have arranged our books by colour. Day 3 of social distancing: we are seriously considering actually reading one of the books.
Friends canceled their son’s Bar Mitzvah this weekend but decided to keep the contract with their caterer, a tiny Hmong-owned business. They delivered the food to friends in quarantine & sent pans home with others. Grateful for stories like this and for community in a bleak time.
— hodel in the streets, chava in the sheets (@mrotzie) March 15, 2020
Ladies and gentleman, 10yo has just made up a joke.
Please let him know how funny you found it. Be kind, he’s 10!
“And so whatever you do [whether shaking hands or declining to do so, given the times we live in] whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Give no offence.” 1 Corinthians 10:31
Due to coronavirus precaution, Bob Shellard isn't allowed to visit his wife in her Connecticut nursing home. So he stood outside her window and held up a sign that said "I've loved you 67 years and still do. Happy Anniversary." https://t.co/cIwZxwmZeNpic.twitter.com/nW86SYm4HU
oh my god, the chicago aquarium closed due to coronavirus, so they let the penguins run around and check out the other exhibits. (staff was present.) pic.twitter.com/YGa8CugymE
reckon we should have a rule from now on that involves people not tweeting about coronavirus after 10pm unless there's breaking news, reading this stuff night after night just before going to sleep isn't healthy
Here's an unexpected side effect of the pandemic – the water's flowing through the canals of Venice is clear for the first time in forever. The fish are visible, the swans returned. pic.twitter.com/2egMGhJs7f
President of Ireland Michael D. Higgins' dog enters room of 100 people to look for his owner, walks through everyone to find him, is very happy to do so and demands a belly rub during an official eventpic.twitter.com/mKRxSc6w7P
If you don't think our media is broken – tell me how its sensible to have Stanley Johnson on national TV telling people its OK to go to the pub. Why wasn't this slot given to someone who understands the science?
In a lot of Asia, the containment policy was go in hard with lockdowns early and then slowly ease restraints with improved testing and monitoring. Our approach seems to be let the virus grow while we build up to hard measures in stages. Seems upside down.
John answered, "Anyone who has two toilet rolls should share with the one who has none, and anyone who has hand-sanitiser should do the same." Luke 3:11 (New Applied Revised Version)
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others”.
The Book of Philippians, chapter 2, verses 3 & 4 👍🏻
Thou shalt stay home. Thou shalt not gather in groups. Thou shalt not panic. Thou shalt not hoard TP. Wash thy hands. Honor thy curfew. Check on loved ones. Do not COVID thy neighbor's wife. Seriously, THOU SHALT STAY HOME . Thou shalt make the best of it.
“Now more than at any time in our history, we will be judged by our capacity for compassion. When this is over, and it will be over, we want to look back on this moment & remember the many small acts of kindness, done by us and to us”.
Mate applied for a temporary job at @Tesco this morning at 7am, got a call at 12pm to go for an interview at 3pm and has got the job! Anyone who is currently looking for any work, try all of the supermarkets as they are desperate for staff to keep the shelves stocked for us.
MILLENNIALS ARE APPROACHING 40. MILLENNIALS HAVE MORTGAGES. MILLENNIALS ARE GOING BALD. MILLENNIALS LIVED THROUGH RAP METAL AND YET HATE THE RADIO NOW. MILLENNIALS WILL LEAVE A BAR IF IT IS TOO LOUD. PLEASE STOP SAYING “MILLENNIAL” WHEN YOU MEAN “TWENTYSOMETHINGS”
THIS is how you say goodbye to the children who are temporarily not in your school. You show your appreciation and treat them like superstars. This is the @McrAcademy way. Keep making magic everyone until we reunite. @UnitedLearningpic.twitter.com/rwzDdxqt0e
Christian, Database Analyst for Compassion UK, Maths graduate from the University of Bath. I love God, and like good weather, bad jokes, cheesy music, piles of chocolate & time with friends.
For the millionth time A UK HOLIDAY IS NOT A STAYCATION. It is a HOLIDAY. "Staycation" means to stay at home for yo… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…2 days ago
Anything to add...?