ineke.co.uk

For people who constantly obsess over how far they’ve run, joggers sure don’t know how long 2 metres is

— James Ball (@jamesrbuk) March 28, 2020

Conversations are quite odd during this period. It's not just that they're conducted remotely. It's that no-one is actually doing anything.

— Ian Dunt (@IanDunt) March 29, 2020

Anyone up for online church bingo today?

As a starter:
– Now, more than ever
– Unprecedented
– For such a time as this
– Sorry for the state of my living room

— Simon Watkinson (@simon__w) March 29, 2020

In other news… the cat over the road is called Walter pic.twitter.com/loIHA2J4mH

— Sian Cosgrove (@sian_cosgrove) March 29, 2020

Huge if true. https://t.co/AOaH9gBJDi

— Heather Floyd (@hscf) March 29, 2020

Seen lots of fun photo challenges on Facebook during quarantine. Let’s start one here. 5 consecutive days, 5 images:

1. Front of credit card
2. Back of credit card
3. Your driving licence
4. Named photo of your mother before she married
5. Scrap of paper with your PIN on

Go!

— Pundamentalism (@Pundamentalism) March 29, 2020

Q is too high up in the alphabet. I respect it but it has no place between P and R. Should be at the end with the weirdo/goth letters

— Brooks Otterlake (@i_zzzzzz) March 29, 2020

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe* pic.twitter.com/JR6h6EI8Mk

— strangerbabble (@strangerbabble) March 28, 2020

I am no fan of Boris, but I’d like to put my hand up now and say I was wrong to compare him to Trump. Johnson is growing in stature at his crisis moment. Meanwhile… there are no words for this: https://t.co/pFw8NOiUMP

— Martin Saunders 🤦🏻‍♂️ (@martinsaunders) March 30, 2020

Going to have start social-distancing myself from the fridge.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) March 30, 2020

Minor point, but I can’t keep it in for a second longer…

Saying “PPE Equipment” is like saying “PIN Number” or “ATM Machine”.

— Dave Jones 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿🏳️‍🌈 (@WelshGasDoc) March 29, 2020

How much is this letter from the PM costing us all? How many trees is it taking? Why is it even warranted?

Wouldn’t it be better to use use that money to buy PPE?!

Sincerely,
13-days quarantined and exasperated

— Owen Williams is out of isolation (@OwsWills) March 29, 2020

Our 4 year old made this at nursery a few weeks ago. Found myself staring at it last night after he was asleep thinking, “I wonder if that’s rice inside… might come in handy” pic.twitter.com/eTU8QsHXMX

— Dave Gorman (@DaveGorman) March 30, 2020

So my great friend in America made this chart for her 3 sons. Tommy is the youngest . I realise they have a garden . But u can adapt for city life too. Everyday they need to tick one thing off the chart in each cat. And not all do the same thing. Thought it was lovely 😊 pic.twitter.com/tktVgZvlJ0

— Davina McCall (@ThisisDavina) March 30, 2020

House near us puts these bears out each day, doing a different activity every time. It’s all I live for currently… pic.twitter.com/cSKYiqZL1Z

— Adam Harrison (@Adam_Harrison13) March 30, 2020

It had to be done.#BackstreetBoys #BrooklynNineNine pic.twitter.com/d4EXSEL8eB

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) March 30, 2020

I guess I’ll never be able to lie to myself again about all the shit I would do if I just had the time.

— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) March 30, 2020

I phone my mum more than I used to. I like that.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) March 30, 2020

How workers from home for Zoom right now must be like in lockdown pic.twitter.com/C3HUHi2BYJ

— Chris ✌ (@bumfs) March 31, 2020

cop: stop. what’s in the bag? u should only be buying essential supplies
*i open bag full of tins of waitrose essentials artichoke hearts and flageolet beans*
cop: you are free to go

— Hugo Boss (@joelycett) March 31, 2020

Two metre, you https://t.co/81CQU8uQ8m

— Sean (@TheGriff91) March 31, 2020

Well at least one of us is ageing gracefully😉I found this golden oldy from #SMTV today. Not sure if I'm more impressed with my magic, or @antanddec hair do's!? BUT there is more to come…stay tuned for some exciting magic news coming your way very very soon!! #magicwithmulhern pic.twitter.com/uJDjEU3rZv

— Stephen Mulhern (@StephenMulhern) March 29, 2020

if you'd like to dial into the Cabinet tomorrow, the Zoom meeting ID has helpfully been included in this screenshot https://t.co/Ng9n0DC6Iw

— Matthew Champion (@matthewchampion) March 31, 2020

I want to live on this road… https://t.co/q9oKVkFrb4

— Sheridan Smith (@Sheridansmith1) March 31, 2020

Minimalism pic.twitter.com/XKnN0DY3aP

— Moose Allain Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) April 1, 2020

Bet you 50 quid this will be a cracker joke in December:

Q: Why did Santa keep a 2 metre distance from his workforce?

A: He was elf-isolating

— Will Foster (@wgsfoster) April 1, 2020

Social distance like you’re a regency couple that dare not be closer than 6 ft least you give into your feelings and embrace, thus ruining your reputation beyond repair pic.twitter.com/pZXuC2xdvH

— 📚Lydia📚 (@LibraryLydia) March 30, 2020

‘Have I Got News From You’…..social distancing style.

Tomorrow night 9pm @BBCOne

Hosting it from my kitchen….. #StayAtHome pic.twitter.com/YJuN9rJ9fp

— Steph McGovern (@stephbreakfast) April 2, 2020

Morons. “Tottenham Hotspur have placed staff on furlough leave without asking their players to accept any kind of pay cut. On the same day, the club announced a profit of £172.7 million in accounts that detail £7 million in salary and bonuses for Daniel Levy, the chairman.”

— Elizabeth Windsor (@Queen_UK) April 2, 2020

Social distance like you’re a regency couple that dare not be closer than 6 ft least you give into your feelings and embrace, thus ruining your reputation beyond repair pic.twitter.com/pZXuC2xdvH

— 📚Lydia📚 (@LibraryLydia) March 30, 2020

THINGS WE HADN'T HEARD OF UNTIL LAST MONTH:

Social distancing
Self isolation
Zoom
Expunged
Toilet paper

— innocent drinks (@innocent) April 2, 2020

Saying “sorry, thanks” every time you attempt to be at least two metres from someone

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) April 3, 2020

Sure, astrophysics is hard but have you ever had someone say your mobile number back to you in a different rythmn and then ask if it's right? Impossible.

— Lucy Beaumont (@LucyABeaumont) April 3, 2020

Justin with the news you all wanted to hear: https://t.co/lex5XyVx1P

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) April 3, 2020

It's important to remember it's Friday but it's also important to remember that time doesn't exist anymore and everyday is just a day where we exist in either our business pyjamas or our leisure pyjamas.

— Dave (@davechannel) April 3, 2020

This is the best thing you'll see today 💕💕

pic.twitter.com/wcj1YIRw0U

— Akki (@akkitwts) April 3, 2020

Friday morning workout completed. ✅ pic.twitter.com/hPVEALbtgu

— judy murray (@JudyMurray) April 3, 2020

Come to think of it, “Co-Vid” would be quite a good name for one of those Skype/Zoom-style online meetings apps that are suddenly all the rage.

— David Mitchell (@RealDMitchell) April 3, 2020

IMPORTANT POLL. Do you think the Queen has an email account?

— Adam Kay (@amateuradam) April 3, 2020

Worse must be realising you’re too thick to change the station. https://t.co/p0iN8E7zww

— James Blunt (@JamesBlunt) April 4, 2020

Want to feel like you’re outside enjoying the sun this weekend? Follow these handy tips:

-Pretend you’re having a picnic by covering your food in ants before you eat it

– Release a bee into your house

– Throw five quid away before taking a choc Ice out of the fridge

— Dave (@davechannel) April 4, 2020

Blame the machines. #GBBO @missalexjones pic.twitter.com/pNB2PvPpZd

— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) March 31, 2020

Ok. Whoever did this is a genius. pic.twitter.com/Hi6cOtxcOb

— Josh Gad (@joshgad) April 4, 2020