ineke.co.uk

Millennials always shit on boomers for carpeting hardwoods in the 70s, but who's the one painting over original brick and high quality wood furniture, BECKY?

— Amy (@AmyintheAtl) May 18, 2020

Again, I’m struck by the inconsistencies of lockdown pic.twitter.com/wZqP4dL6J8

— Yakub Qureshi (@yqshi) June 20, 2020

Someone needs to invent a toaster that delays the toasting of the second slice by the amount of time it takes you to butter the first.

— Chris Ramsey (@IAmChrisRamsey) June 21, 2020

This article is absurd. Churches all over the country have been serving their communities. Perhaps, because they are not shouting about it on twitter, it's going unnoticed… But church is SO much more than buildings, and it has very much been there through this time. https://t.co/amRRUrkl48

— Katharine W-R (@kwelbyroberts) June 21, 2020

We are getting trolled as a nation. I think I need a break from twitter 😱 #BritishEggshttps://t.co/MeiJn0j9qT

— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) June 21, 2020

According to a 2019 study, regular tea drinkers have better organized brains than non-tea drinkers. pic.twitter.com/T5SIUcSgwW

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) June 21, 2020

Personally I would like to keep the 2m rule, maybe extend it to 6m. Or miles. I dunno people bug me.

— Dr Janaway (@drjanaway) June 21, 2020

We need more women urban planners. pic.twitter.com/QKwPrCkike

— Cllr Lauren Tuite (@lauren_tuite) June 21, 2020

Haha yeah ok Quality Street pic.twitter.com/FKObP275Fj

— Hannah (@teaforpterosaur) June 21, 2020

That wasn’t a prank; it was activism. https://t.co/7ZNoioEFdh

— Saeed Jones (@theferocity) June 21, 2020

"Huh" appears to be a universal word for expressing confusion – it's the same in English, Dutch, Icelandic, Lao, Russian and Mandarin Chinese.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) June 22, 2020

This wild cat looks like it knows where to find ancient treasure, but it will only tell me the location through a riddle. pic.twitter.com/L3bEPQ5Nvk

— Tom Hale🌞 (@tommyhale91) June 22, 2020

Hi Robert
I read an article last week which was helpful. It said, if you went to a doctor with a broken arm & they said "I won't treat that… all bones matter" you would question their wisdom. The author's point was that addressing the pressing issue doesn't ignore the rest. https://t.co/DhZRcpwGIR

— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) June 23, 2020

It’s looking like a warm one. If you have to go outside, you’ll need:

• Sunscream
• Sun hat
• Sunglasses
• Mask
• Anti-bac
• Hayfever tablets
• Insect repellant
• Umbrella (just in case)
• A long pole to help you keep 2m away
• Large shipping container to carry it all

— innocent drinks (@innocent) June 23, 2020

Our boss (on Microsoft Teams): “Did you proofread this tweet?”

Us: “Yes.”

Boss: “Then what’s sunscream?”

Us: “Errr… you’re on mute.”

Boss: “No I’m not.”

Us: “Yes you are.”

Boss: “You can’t just say I’m on mute to avoid tricky questions.”

Us: “Errr… You’ve frozen.”

— innocent drinks (@innocent) June 23, 2020

Our boss: "How many people have tweeted us about smoothies today?"

Us: "One."

Boss: "And how many have tweeted us about sunscream?"

Us: "About thirty so far."

Boss: "Are you proud of yourselves?"

Us: "Well, we don't feel any more shame than usual."

— innocent drinks (@innocent) June 23, 2020

Monday morning's reason for apologising during a work call: this duck walked into my kitchen. I do not own a duck. pic.twitter.com/KqOQwC5KHu

— Lucy Nicholls (@LucySomerset) June 22, 2020

Oh no pic.twitter.com/vp1P1JIdfF

— Emily is writing a book (@EtheHerring) June 23, 2020

Boris's idea of caution appears to be relentless optimism

— John Crace (@JohnJCrace) June 23, 2020

Turns out there's no need for birth control – if you don't want to get pregnant, just don't have a pregnancy test https://t.co/BnxZHWg5Oa

— Steve Peers (@StevePeers) June 23, 2020

Prof Whitty sounding EXTREMELY cautious about the changes – and making plain 'if people hear a distorted version of what is said…and start behaving in ways they would have before this all happened we will get an uptick' – should still stick to 2m where you can

— Laura Kuenssberg (@bbclaurak) June 23, 2020

POULTRY NEWS: Exactly 20 years to the day since the original was released, we can confirm there will be a Chicken Run sequel coming to Netflix!! Produced by @aardman, production is expected to begin next year. Eggsellent.

— Netflix UK & Ireland (@NetflixUK) June 23, 2020

A new verb – to @KITKAT. Means during a time of crisis to jettison all pretence of having principles and hope no one notices. @nestle are using the pandemic to bury their bad news they are stopping kitkats being fairtrade this autumn, hurting farmers in developing countries.

— stellacreasy (@stellacreasy) June 23, 2020

There's going to be a lot of legs outside the duvet tonight

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) June 24, 2020

This might present a very practical way for us to put Jesus’ teachings into practice as Christians.

‘Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all."’ Mark 9 v 35 https://t.co/JivI82rf73

— Martin Saunders (@martinsaunders) June 24, 2020

Cause. Effect. pic.twitter.com/bFNyI87oce

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 24, 2020

A Brit, upon seeing someone who is quite clearly melting in the heat, someone who is wilting like spinach, is dripping with sweat, toasting like crumpets and glowing like molten rock, will be unable to resist asking the question: “bit warm?”

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) June 25, 2020

The earliest films to use a music score did so not for dramatic effect, but to drown out the noise of the projector.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) June 25, 2020

Alexa. Show me what happens when a government gives up on clear messaging, ignores its chief adviser breaking the rules and tells us to rely on common sense.https://t.co/vio9RkfzOu

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 25, 2020

Boris accuses Keir Starmer of using misleading Cornonavirus statistics.

Keir Starmer responds with: The figures that the Prime Minister says are inadvertently misleading are from the slide at his press conference yesterday.”

Ooof! #PMQs

— Jonathan Pie (@JonathanPieNews) June 24, 2020

They. Don’t. Care. https://t.co/J8sMUk43qX

— Sue Perkins 💙 (@sueperkins) June 25, 2020

According to a study conducted at Colorado State University, women are less likely to date men who like cats. One question is why that’s the case. Another, perhaps more important, is why this study was conducted in the first place.

— Stephen King (@StephenKing) June 23, 2020

It was funded by dogs.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) June 23, 2020

🎶You’re so vague
I bet you think this song’s something something 🎶

— . (@MCabournSmith) June 26, 2020

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE. https://t.co/ubSsngp8vY

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) June 26, 2020

Government:
“If the rules aren’t observed, we won’t hesitate to re-impose restrictions”

*rules are ignored*

Government:
[does nothing]

In a deadly pandemic we have a government with all the authority of a supply teacher.https://t.co/W5QpMmZ6sY

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 26, 2020

I put my microphone in front of a 7 week old baby red squirrel. pic.twitter.com/JrRRvE9ngN

— Dani Connor Wild 🐿 (@DaniConnorWild) June 23, 2020

Breaking the travel ban 👍 pic.twitter.com/ERCeakhyqc

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 20, 2020