ineke.co.uk

Nigel is going to propose. https://t.co/rqsiv44Y2r

— David QC (@DavidMuttering) August 15, 2020

One of my fave features of York station is the triple-faced electric clock – the third face being an extra to aid panicked passengers running over the bridge to their trains pic.twitter.com/Xro4JbhhaH

— Tim Dunn (@MrTimDunn) August 15, 2020

Due to the education algorithm we have had to change our name from Dave to Ucvu

— Dave (@davechannel) August 16, 2020

Gavin Williamson live on BBC Breakfast right now. Or, as he calls it, DDE Breakfast.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) August 18, 2020

I’m sorry but if you decide to travel abroad in the middle of a #pandemic please don’t be the shouty ‘outraged’ person who now has to quarantine .. just get on with it knowing that you’ve had a sodding holiday this year 🤦‍♀️ #COVIDIOTS

— Emma B (@EmmaB_Radio) August 16, 2020

Buying a house is like "we have no way of knowing you'll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month"
"I've been paying my landlord £1000 a month"
"Why can't you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500"
"Because I've been paying my landlord £1000 a month"

— Eleanor Mason (@eleanormtweets) August 17, 2020

Sees Danny Ings is Trending no.1 in the UK

Me: pic.twitter.com/b6AutghRDK

— James Smith (@Jaamesmiith) August 18, 2020

TODAY’S WEATHER PREDICTIONS

Fifty percent chance of a tropical monsoon

Fifty percent chance of a heatwave

These are the only two options this month.

— innocent drinks (@innocent) August 18, 2020

Unfortunately we had to remove the listing for the Dream Restaurant. Rumor has it it fell in the Thames, and as a general rule we don’t list restaurants at the bottom of a river. Even ones with a genie waiter. Sorry about that.

— Tripadvisor (@TripAdvisor) August 18, 2020

NEWS!! Filming commences on the #CallTheMidwife Christmas Special and tenth series!! ❤️🚲👶🩺🎥🎉😃

FULL STORY HERE: https://t.co/YBom4OcqAw pic.twitter.com/7qE7emoJ0R

— Call the Midwife (@CallTheMidwife1) August 18, 2020

It’s National #PotatoDay so here are the official rankings for every sort of potato:

1. Roast
2. Hash browns
3. Chips
4. Crisps
5. Mash
6. Waffles
7. Jacket
8. Wedges
9. Those fluffy little croquette things
10. Eating a raw potato like an apple
11. Boiled

— innocent drinks (@innocent) August 19, 2020

Filming has wrapped on the new series of The Great British Bake Off. More news soon… pic.twitter.com/tyDllxJGSv

— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) August 19, 2020

The 8 yr old just asked why the tooth fairy doesn’t just dig up dead people to get teeth.

— Heather (@henmack) August 18, 2020

Saw pizza express was trending and was waiting to see how long it would take for Woking to also be trending

— Amy Jennings (@amyjennings99) August 19, 2020

I’m such an idiot that at first I didn’t realise the snake was moving and thought the frog was gliding down the snake, like the snake was some sort of reptile water slide 🤦🏻‍♀️ https://t.co/U9fszRL7n8

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) August 19, 2020

2020 has certainly changed David Seaman… pic.twitter.com/uze6W13EJw

— Pete Evans (@PeteEvans87) August 20, 2020

The NHS will collapse. https://t.co/VQMbGiZSSH

— Nick Ferran (@NickFerran) August 20, 2020

Man who caught Coronavirus in his office says there's little chance of catching Coronavirus in your office pic.twitter.com/eeqPvptBsG

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) August 20, 2020

Says man infected in – checks notes – office, whose boss and colleagues were also infected in… offices. https://t.co/Q7wkSxGoKe

— Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) August 20, 2020

Broadcasters, if Hancock or any other low hanging fruit from our utterly useless loser cabinet whines on about how there’s no evidence you can catch COVID at the office, just slowly read out the list of everyone in the cabinet who went down with COVID like dominoes. Thanks.

— Emma Kennedy (@EmmaKennedy) August 20, 2020

I know Matt Hancock’s a super-genius and all that but anyone else see a problem in measuring #COVID19 transmission in offices at a time people weren’t going into offices? #Covid_19 #ThursdayThoughts https://t.co/DzFoatCcAt

— Rod Kelly (@rodkelly50) August 20, 2020

So in the US the posties can arrest people. If that happened over here Postman Pat would be a very different show.https://t.co/A7jl97Lecg

— Malcolm Wood #WeAreStarfleet (@woodmally1979) August 20, 2020

This is a class idea. My mate, Dom, has been using #EatOutToHelpOut and the Wetherspoons table game to help homeless people in Manchester pic.twitter.com/2asqhdIp3R

— Rob Adcock (@RobAdcock) August 19, 2020

I have never seen a dog look so guilty pic.twitter.com/Oj1oqihafe

— Fuck the Secret Police (@QuayMatt) August 15, 2020

I have a cartoon in the current @PrivateEyeNews. pic.twitter.com/Lfs73uynhI

— Moose Allain Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) August 21, 2020

News Flash
Postman Pat offers help to USPS
Boris refuses to let Royal Main to be involved with US election pic.twitter.com/icK8qeEWCm

— Harry Smith (@BritTrumpHater) August 20, 2020

No I don’t https://t.co/u5ZmuXnmt3

— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) August 21, 2020

PITCH: "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" but the contestants are billionaires so it's more of a threat.

— John-Luke Roberts 🥕 (@jlukeroberts) August 21, 2020

When Joe first met Brayden. pic.twitter.com/upZq1ksEUV

— YS (@NYinLA2121) August 21, 2020

Game 11 of No More Jockeys was late this morning because I'm an idiot. Rest assured I've been given appropriate punishment.https://t.co/lplJf82Vrs pic.twitter.com/jTTAg6kBDj

— Haiminh Le (@haiminh) August 21, 2020

Fossil hunting. pic.twitter.com/48PyeUjfMD

— You Had One Job! (@_youhadonejob1) August 22, 2020

Reading’s eurovision entry for 2021 https://t.co/w7m2FCGCC4

— Champions* (@jamesmurray91) August 22, 2020