ineke.co.uk

What Mondays are made of:

12% "How was your weekend?"
8% Trying to remember your password
14% Trying to remember how to do your job
6% Trying to remember your own name
9% Turning the camera off so no one sees you napping
51% Injecting coffee straight into your eyeballs

— innocent drinks (@innocent) August 24, 2020

An opinion thread on #London railway termini.

VICTORIA: Huge. Half-station, half-shopping centre. Could probably do with another tube line. Never close enough to the coach station as you need it to be. Buses to everywhere. Was doing free toilets before all the others were. pic.twitter.com/f0kh33zs8D

— Connor McGovern (@connorjmcgovern) August 23, 2020

Sister-in-law had her driving test today. There are three possible spots they use to test reversing round a corner, and one of them she just couldn’t master. So Stepdad Ken went and parked his car there so the examiner had to pick one of the other two. Anyway, she passed.

— Anita O'Hara (@nitsohara) August 24, 2020

Kindergarten class. China. Amazing.

Basketball, bruh…pic.twitter.com/BvLX5l4RX2

— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) August 24, 2020

I AM SOOO HAPPY https://t.co/J9T0Z0hfzg

— Sarah Gordy (@sarah_gordy) August 24, 2020

I know that TV is getting back to normal, because we're filming a Christmas show this Friday.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) August 25, 2020

Summoning the delivery you’ve been waiting in for all day by placing one foot in the shower

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) August 26, 2020

People who say we shouldn't apologise for the slave trade because it's in the past are 100% the exact same people who say "WE SAVED FRANCE IN WORLD WAR 2" like they personally stormed the beach of Normandy as a sperm

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) August 26, 2020

British postage stamps are the only ones not to feature the country of origin’s name.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) August 25, 2020

Never wanting to use an exclamation mark yet worrying you'll come across as miserable without one

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) August 26, 2020

Read the small print bottom right!! 🤣 pic.twitter.com/E5jLmksAz4

— Stuart Antony (@STU_ACTOR) August 26, 2020

I felt like this video clip needed appropriate music to accompany it.
[sound up] pic.twitter.com/9M2eP8z4hm

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) August 25, 2020

Hey guys, wanna feel old?

I'm 40.

You're welcome.

— Macaulay Culkin (@IncredibleCulk) August 26, 2020

Make going to the supermarket more exciting by playing the Crystal Maze theme tune as you navigate the one way system and time yourself between hand sanitiser stations.

— Dave (@davechannel) August 27, 2020

Oh good, it’s the time of year where I have to explain to the TV Licensing Authority why King George III hasn’t paid his TV licence since 1820 pic.twitter.com/9vYma2DSlz

— Rachel Mackay (@rachmackay) August 27, 2020

Idea: an app which informs you that you have in fact got five jars of cumin in the cupboard when you’re in the supermarket and you definitely don’t need to buy another one “just in case”

— Isy Suttie (@Isysuttie) August 26, 2020

Visited friends who have built their new house and it has a DOG SHOWER. pic.twitter.com/ZVaDqIEbdl

— Richard Coles (@RevRichardColes) August 26, 2020

Asking someone who has closed eyes, an open mouth and a drooped head that’s loudly snoring if they’re asleep. Their answer: No.

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) August 27, 2020

Stop scrolling twitter and go do that task you’ve been putting off for two weeks that will take you ten minutes

— Billie (@_BillieBelieves) August 27, 2020

Poundland Jedward pic.twitter.com/bhoMnlHsRJ

— JEDWARD (@planetjedward) August 27, 2020

Sunflowers have been planted around Fukushima to help absorb radioactive caesium in the atmosphere.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) August 27, 2020

It’s absolutely fine to take a break from Twitter without warning us first

— Alice Jones (@alicevjones) August 26, 2020

Ok, this is terrifying.

A 4-year old girl was found drifting nearly a mile out to sea — off the coast of Greece — on an inflatable unicorn.

Wow…https://t.co/xxN4M6bbXp

— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) August 27, 2020

This is the job spec for CEO of @MattHancock’s new version of Public Health England.

No experience in health required.

Yep, you read that right. In the middle of a pandemic.

Sheer and utter madness. https://t.co/6wn6MDCSHo

— Dr Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) August 28, 2020

This is Ruthie. She’s still figuring out doors. This is her solution for now. 12/10 very powerful we respect it pic.twitter.com/Qqa0kSH9lL

— WeRateDogs (@dog_rates) August 28, 2020

Whichever librarian managed to get not just the "The Twits" but also "Betrayed"; "Resistance" and "Fahrenheit 451" in the shot behind Johnson has my admiration. https://t.co/i1RYB00lcr

— Sam Freedman (@Samfr) August 26, 2020

We're all going to get a turn at leading the Lib Dems, aren't we. https://t.co/502kDwESuN

— Jay Rayner (@jayrayner1) August 27, 2020

Whoever picked the dress for Melania knows nothing about green screen editing. @RexChapman @Trevornoah @ProjectLincoln @donwinslow pic.twitter.com/S1mbtPpfHC

— toade (@toade99) August 28, 2020

Everyone will be talking about Melania's dress after this is all over. #RNC2020 pic.twitter.com/KosqGenMwc

— Scott Brown (@ScottBrownDC) August 28, 2020

They do realise people who work from home are still at work, right? https://t.co/kMK8ZphKBN

— John Hyde (@JohnHyde1982) August 27, 2020

Grant Shapps tells the country it's safe to go back to the office….. from his home office. 🤔 pic.twitter.com/I0E61Tp6kB

— Haggis_UK 🇬🇧 🇪🇺 (@Haggis_UK) August 28, 2020

The logo for Sony’s Vaio computers symbolises the change from analogue technology (sine wave) to digital technology (binary 1s and 0s). pic.twitter.com/6COrAwgKr8

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) August 28, 2020

I can't WAIT for this. Me and my brother interviewing each other at the Cheltenham Literature Fest. We will be discussing our novels, and which one of our is our Mum's favourite son. https://t.co/LpgWMQ0rGw

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) August 28, 2020

I work in Manchester. My office job pays me £22,000 a year and can be done from home. The government want me to now spend £250 a month on trains and give up 40 hours a month in travel to buy a £6 sandwich from Pret everyday with whatever’s left of my disposal income. Hmm.

— #BlackLivesMatter (@staysocialism) August 29, 2020

People in pandemic films:
*takes sensible precautions not to become infected*

People in real life:
“Just heading to pack myself into Trafalgar Square to march for my right to spread around a disease with hundreds of other germ-riddled virus deniers, see you later diabetic gran”

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) August 29, 2020

If you're wondering how stupid Britain is right now, a group of people who refuse to wear masks to prevent the spread of the coronavirus are gathering in trafalgar square to protest a second wave of coronavirus

— TechnicallyRon (On all the platforms) (@TechnicallyRon) August 29, 2020

Because of dust in the atmosphere, sunsets on Mars are blue.

(Image: NASA) pic.twitter.com/0VQVlBQty9

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) August 29, 2020

For those who may be disbelieving that the health secretary actually said this … here is the evidence @WeGPNs @Gpnsnn @BAMEGPNs @rcgp @BMA_GP @CNOEngland

Matt Hancock please take up our offer to meet with general practice nurses. pic.twitter.com/mZkHaXUrTt

— RCN GPN Forum 💙 (@RCNGPNForum) August 27, 2020

It’s long but worth it. Incredibly sad news about Chadwick Boseman who was clearly a lovely manpic.twitter.com/bZcAyT7V8B

— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) August 29, 2020