ineke.co.uk

any other year we wouldn’t need this reassurance pic.twitter.com/TcBxfQo4Bf

— Daisy Bard (@DaisyBard) September 4, 2020

The “from Monday” thing always makes me laugh – is the virus on annual leave for the next 5 days or something? https://t.co/VnGI94vQno

— Pete Burns’ Confiscated Coat (@harrisonjbrock) September 8, 2020

Some covid marshals are swanspic.twitter.com/S76d4Oj3L4

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) September 11, 2020

Problems:

1 Eggs look like joke shop plastic ones. Need crispy edges.
2 Green leaves belong nowhere near a fry-up.
3 No hash browns, nor any other potato product.
4 No fried bread.
5 Beans in a little ramekin? Fuck off.
6 Where are the sauces?
(7 Animal death/torture is a given) https://t.co/zpbs2kNVWX

— Simon Price (@simon_price01) September 13, 2020

*Half English https://t.co/PrAtWeYDw6

— 🏳️‍🌈 Max 🏳️‍🌈 (@SpillerOfTea) September 13, 2020

Friendless man seeks like-minded idiots for friendship and defiance. pic.twitter.com/pD0aXERzS5

— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) September 13, 2020

The explanation we've all been waiting for. (Bravo @HopelessSurfer) https://t.co/JaLhRlmlVf

— Jay Rayner (@jayrayner1) September 14, 2020

What names, if you had never heard them before would be great characters in a book? I think Lord Sugar is a brilliant name.

— Tim Vine (@RealTimVine) September 12, 2020

They’re singing! #RuleBritannia #lastnightoftheproms #notmanyintonight #theyshouldhaveadvertiseditmore pic.twitter.com/m0qXU1ZDB9

— The British Broadcasting Century podcast (@BBCentury) September 12, 2020

I don’t know a huge amount about how the internet works but… could the websites that endlessly ask for permission to use cookies use those cookies to remember that I told them they could use cookies?

— Felicity Hannah (@FelicityHannah) September 12, 2020

Wow, the criminals I know tend to keep quite a low profile. I can’t think of any who would walk through a massive stone arch that says ‘Yes I am going to break the law’ in Parliament, on live TV. But Tory MPs must be somehow immune…

— Katy Brand (@KatyFBrand) September 13, 2020

Not to back any one horse but this is Acaster's for the taking, isn't it? https://t.co/K01qFvyIcx

— Rufus Hound (@RufusHound) September 12, 2020

I am really proud that people are prepared to change their life a little bit in order to prevent a deadly virus getting entirely out of hand. I don’t know why this makes some people so cross.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) September 13, 2020

Shop assistant asked me to take my mask down to get IDed in the supermarket, so if I die of coronavirus I want everyone to know that it was worth it.

— Nathaniel Tapley (@Natt) September 13, 2020

I’m very much enjoying Brexiters calling the Withdrawal Act, the Act Boris pushed for, told us was brilliant, won an election on, is now “legal trickery” from the evil EU. I mean honestly. It’s like they think we don’t have memories.

— Emma Kennedy (@EmmaKennedy) September 12, 2020

A cyclist came belting down my hill singing 'I Try' by Macy Gray at the top of his voice, and at the 'when you are not here' bit he sort of harmonised (?) with himself like she does in the final chorus. Very very good.

— Mask Watson (@watsoncomedian) September 13, 2020

Did he get off his bike, try to walk away, and then stumble?

— Mike B (@donuts_uk) September 13, 2020

Is it wrong to be thinking of going back to bed before you get up

— Neville Southall (@NevilleSouthall) September 13, 2020

Congratulations to first-time novelist @richardosman on *just* clinching the number one slot this week… pic.twitter.com/61JQLnknvA

— Ian Rankin (@Beathhigh) September 13, 2020

This is quite epic! pic.twitter.com/P4uV7UsYIp

— Rachel Danae Burgin (@MrsBurgin) September 11, 2020

How the rest of the world sees the USA #USA pic.twitter.com/MddDhUpQEk

— Terrible Maps (@TerribleMaps) September 12, 2020

The ‘water clock’ at this Japanese railway station is simply next level stuffhttps://t.co/eCXP7rvBCt pic.twitter.com/mGblSxFXKP

— The Poke (@ThePoke) September 12, 2020

If books of the Bible had Amazon reviews …

Ecclesiastes. Cool vibes, but the point isn’t clear. Feels like the author was kind of depressed and weirdly focused on vapor. Was looking for something more upbeat. 2 stars.

— Drew (@drewdyck) September 10, 2020

Brexiters, 2016-2019:
“Everyone knew what they voted for in the referendum. There cannot be another vote”

Brexiters, 2020:
“MPs didn’t know what they voted for when they passed the deal. There has to be another vote”

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) September 13, 2020

A 62-year-old python at the St Louis Zoo has recently laid seven eggs, despite not having been near a male since at least the early 1990s. pic.twitter.com/2vuefM4Yz4

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) September 13, 2020

Do chickens normally hunt down, kill and eat mice? Or have ours simply ‘gone rogue’? pic.twitter.com/MQskAsrFYy

— Nick Hewer (@Nick_Hewer) September 13, 2020

time to log on and post some opinions about politics from me, a forty year old man who still doesn't really know what to do with his arms when he sleeps

— joe (@mutablejoe) September 13, 2020

Need to pop by the cow-wash… https://t.co/dQvHV4WyH2

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) September 13, 2020

If you saw the BBC’s appalling and bizarre ‘virtual audience’ at the Last Night of the Proms yesterday then like me you may have been scratching your head and wondering where you had seen it before. Well… pic.twitter.com/gOsCQzAkmv

— bob evans (@thebobevans) September 13, 2020

Self care is:
-Buying more books even though you already have too many books
-The same as above but with notepads
-Ignoring all responsiblities until the last minute then panicking
-Not answering unknown numbers because nothing good comes from mystery
-Garlic bread

— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) September 13, 2020

Keep. Mugello. On the #F1 circuit. Forever.

— Jake Humphrey (@mrjakehumphrey) September 13, 2020

Nothing says competent government quite like publishing new regulations needed to control a public health crisis less than 30 minutes before they come into force… https://t.co/4mGdCmUsK3

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) September 13, 2020

so close….. literally just Barry's copies taking you past Ant & Dec. All hail Barry Beef

— mark feek (@marksmusings) September 13, 2020

I chose chaos with Ed Miliband, please.

— Sue Perkins (@sueperkins) September 14, 2020

I don’t normally get along that well with my next door neighbour but I’ve just heard her out in the garden teaching her little girl to say “Boris Johnson is a plonker” and now I think I like her a little bit.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) September 14, 2020

I could watch them do this all day pic.twitter.com/8qPfdgxJ6V

— out of context cats (@catoutofcontxt) September 14, 2020

“Yes, here in the Amazon our trees regularly explode into flames. It has nothing to do with the Forrest being on fire. Don’t worry!” pic.twitter.com/eSJV0E8oGA

— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) September 15, 2020

If 3 people burgle my house which will tip the people in my house to 7. Could I be fined?

— Rob Beckett (@robbeckettcomic) September 14, 2020

The guest host slot allowed HIGNFY to carry out its master plan of boosting the careers of Tory MPs.#HIGNFY30 pic.twitter.com/iSooVvDlaY

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) September 14, 2020

You know, the U.K. government was invited to join an EU-wide scheme to buy equipment, PPE and Covid tests. And it declined that offer because… because… well, if we want a window into how brilliant it’s all going to be post-Brexit, I think we’re looking through it right now.

— Katy Brand (@KatyFBrand) September 16, 2020

& now an important announcement from #HotOnes’ friend Paul Rudd! WEAR A MASK & watch until the end for a special cameo. WHO WOULD’VE THOUGHT? pic.twitter.com/i4xxfwoIhz

— First We Feast (@firstwefeast) September 14, 2020

How the fuck have we lived with Covid-19 for so long and people STILL haven’t understood that if they get it, it isn’t just their problem, it’s the people they might infect and the burden they might place on the health service.

— Moose Allain Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) September 15, 2020

Schools will teach you which Dinosaurs were vegetarian

But STILL won't teach you how to open a bank account, manage finances, sell or take care of yourself

— Lawrence King (@lawrencekingyo) September 15, 2020

Cat was clearly the winnerpic.twitter.com/gL3rZujQon

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) September 15, 2020

Please can someone explain to me why, when you land in Rome, there is a swift and well organised COVID test, with the result given 30 minutes later, yet we don’t have this in the UK? pic.twitter.com/RVexl9gVeW

— Richard E. Grant (@RichardEGrant) September 15, 2020

I will never get over the fact that the man was only born in 1964. How is he not 70 years old?!

— Dawn Cotton Fuge #FBPE (@precioussparkle) September 16, 2020

If they removed that ghaaaaastly paint I would be happy to pay hundreds of pounds to contract a deadly disease https://t.co/6ZA37IVBjV

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) September 16, 2020

Thinking of having a cheeky heart attack around noon, you got any slots? https://t.co/1uJE0Upkgf

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) September 17, 2020

Oh my god, have I just cooked a chicken or what. pic.twitter.com/CBZZr3NAMr

— Flic Everett (@fliceverett) September 17, 2020

It’s my birthday today and I’ve given myself a written warning. All Timpson colleagues get their birthday off as an extra day off, but I’ve sneaked to see our area managers at their Xmas planning meeting. Couldn’t resist the opportunity to say thanks for all they’ve done.

— James Timpson (@JamesTCobbler) September 17, 2020

My local Morrison’s is selling actual sacks of wet eggs. This is the most wretched and cursed item I have ever witnessed pic.twitter.com/bghKxOUxXu

— Strumpet (Sexy Trumpet) (@TrumpetSexy) September 16, 2020

British Tapas. pic.twitter.com/dc4A1C0fgx

— Don (@DFergPR) September 15, 2020

WHAAAAAT?
Has he?!
Whaaaaaaaaaaat?!
Really!?
Well if you say so. https://t.co/IPymxClIcN

— Marcoooos! (@marcusbrig) September 18, 2020

The Lion, the Dog and the Ice Cream pic.twitter.com/NF2nq8llMH

— 🎼Phil Robinson (@PjrFoto) September 17, 2020

Thanks to everyone who watched SET ONE of #nomorejockeys. We had a lot of fun and I was delighted to finish on the podium obvs. SET TWO starts dribbling out next week. Catch up on SET ONE here: 🧤 https://t.co/fq4Wbxklgn pic.twitter.com/qZXa3qLa2F

— Tim Key (@timkeyperson) September 18, 2020

Which of their own human rights would MPs want to lose? pic.twitter.com/JwirfSigSg

— Sarah Wollaston (@sarahwollaston) September 12, 2020

As a cat, this doesn’t bother me, but if I were a human I’d want clarity pretty quickly on which rights the government wants to take away from me… pic.twitter.com/7Y8PzwEgty

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) September 12, 2020

A year into the job he’s always wanted and he looks like a wounded Nazi begging his captor to put him out of his misery pic.twitter.com/Qbg6rWB0xs

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) September 14, 2020

At Euston, preparing to sprint left or right when they announce the Manchester platform pic.twitter.com/XxsOAwGuwK

— Nigel Sarbutts (@NigelSarbutts) September 16, 2020

No, you just wasted 20 minutes cutting Pingu going "NOOT" into Uptown Funk pic.twitter.com/hygHXgfe3e

— Rob (@FurnaceFear) September 12, 2020

What incompetence. What failure of governance. Boris Johnson can't blame Theresa May, he can't blame John Major, he can't blame judges, he can't blame civil servants, he can't sack the Cabinet Secretary again. There's only one person responsible – him. Me in the Commons today: pic.twitter.com/pGqZFiNdoS

— Ed Miliband (@Ed_Miliband) September 14, 2020

This is just brutal.

Boris Johnson isn't just beaten, rather eviscerated in a manner so effortless all he can do is sink back in his seat and sulk like an insolent child – knowing no amount of bluster can save him.

Chaos with Ed Miliband anyone?pic.twitter.com/wGTx4kdUmD

— Graham Lithgow (@grahamlithgow) September 14, 2020

She’s turning them against me. https://t.co/C1D3SCtrIE

— Andrew Cotter (@MrAndrewCotter) September 15, 2020

Wavy walls can use fewer bricks than straight ones.

(Image: Colin Babb) pic.twitter.com/8Zho3OvQzA

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) September 19, 2020

Dad’s ability to improvise and compose beautiful melodies on the fly has always amazed me.

Tonight, I gave him four random notes as a starting point.

Although his dementia is getting worse, moments like this bring him back to me. pic.twitter.com/dBInVCTmfF

— Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) September 17, 2020

Well this has made my day. pic.twitter.com/yTMvnNK9z7

— James Farmer (@JamesFarmer87) September 19, 2020

Words With Friends still stuck in 2019… pic.twitter.com/XT9mRwciKB

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) September 17, 2020