ineke.co.uk

Saw a guy this morning board a plane with 5 grand's worth of coke on him. I did tell him never to buy drinks in an airport WH Smith.

— Stansaid Airport (@StansaidAirport) October 4, 2020

Here's your first proper look at Princess Diana’s wedding dress from The Crown series 4, created by costume designer Amy Roberts pic.twitter.com/EcFBMcaqWs

— Netflix UK & Ireland (@NetflixUK) October 4, 2020

Without access to the original patterns, Amy collaborated with David Emmanuel. He was enormously helpful, talking the design team through the detail of many of the original drawings to help them create this gown for Emma Corrin

— Netflix UK & Ireland (@NetflixUK) October 4, 2020

Four months and five fittings later, with three people spending a collective 600 hours working, they had a dress. It's made of 95 metres of fabric and 100 metres of lace, with a train that is approximately 30 metres long

— Netflix UK & Ireland (@NetflixUK) October 4, 2020

The Nottingham based team who made the lace on the Emmanuel's original dress also made the lace for this one. Sadly the man who worked on the real-life dress passed away, but it's his son who worked on the one you'll see in The Crown

— Netflix UK & Ireland (@NetflixUK) October 4, 2020

If you like a bargain: for one day only, laughing at Liverpool and Man U fans at half time is two 4-1.

— James Harkin (@JamesHarkin) October 4, 2020

Thank you ⁦@sainsburys⁩ – this bundle of food, plus a carton of milk was delivered, free and without fanfare, to every student in my daughter's COVID-ridden hall of residence. What a lovely thing to do. pic.twitter.com/e2HgCzb9cZ

— Lissa Evans (@LissaKEvans) October 4, 2020

Finally some good news in 2020. pic.twitter.com/3mGvIWpOeZ

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) October 4, 2020

I think what we are all learning is that people are generally better at their jobs when not being screamed at by tens of thousands of people in close proximity. #bbcfootball

— Phil Knox (@philknox) October 4, 2020

Liverpool breaking Covid rules letting 7 in.

— Daniel Hewitt (@DanielHewittITV) October 4, 2020

7 years ago I worked at a small company of about 15 people. I sent an email to all my co-workers one Friday, inviting them on a weekend hike. Only one person came, a guy from the web dev team that I'd hardley spoken to.

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary. We're going hiking.

— Samantha (@samanthabhassan) October 4, 2020

They specifically asked racists not to shop there. You can’t own somebody by following their exact instructions. pic.twitter.com/7d57hrnCn8

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 4, 2020

Wait what’s that word where you’re opposed to good https://t.co/RdbOUvrKU8

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 4, 2020

If @realDonaldTrump were my patient, in unstable condition + contagious illness, & he suddenly left the hospital to go for a car ride that endangers himself & others:

I'd call security to restrain him then perform a psychiatric evaluation to examine his decision-making capacity.

— Leana Wen, M.D. (@DrLeanaWen) October 4, 2020

When I broke story about @Argos_Online axing its catalogue, I was contacted by someone who explained her sister-in-law was severely autistic.
"Throughout the last 2 decades, the Argos catalogues have been her only source of entertainment and comfort." 1/3

— Harry Wallop (@hwallop) October 2, 2020

"Zina looks and plays with the catalogue all day/every day, using up one a week as she rips the pages off. She also takes it with her everywhere e.g. hospital and respite".
She was distraught that her supply of catalogues was going to end.
Was there any way I could help? 2/3

— Harry Wallop (@hwallop) October 2, 2020

So I emailed someone senior at @Argos_Online.
This week, this happened…
Yes, that's over a 1,000 Argos catalogues and a very happy Zina. 3/3 pic.twitter.com/IsQUETALHs

— Harry Wallop (@hwallop) October 2, 2020

People will die because the government lacks the expertise to add rows on excel but remember any second wave is your fault

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 5, 2020

When I first heard that cases were missing I thought “can’t be an Excel problem, the rows run out at 1,048,576 which is bigger than even total cases”.

I never thought they’d have a case per COLUMN. Unbelievable. And yes: Excel columns end at 16,384 aka “XFD”. https://t.co/To9b4qIuzD

— Matt Parker (@standupmaths) October 5, 2020

They’re going to try to pin this on Mr Clippy aren’t they

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 5, 2020

This testing catastrophe is the most shambolic thing to happen to a Microsoft programme since Kelly Rowland sent Nelly a text on Excel in the Dilemna video and got mad that he didn't reply. pic.twitter.com/bxcKPHLQjd

— Ava-Santina (@AvaSantina) October 5, 2020

😱😂 https://t.co/nZie2LDr5L

— Matt Le Tissier (@mattletiss7) October 5, 2020

How to tweet like the President of the United States:
1. Turn on capslock
2. Come up with a terrible opinion.
3. Pick a random verb to put at the end of your sentences.
4. Finish it all off with several exclamation points.

E.g

PIZZAS SHOULD BE SPHERICAL. DANCE!!!

— Dave (@davechannel) October 5, 2020

Point of order…

An excel spreadsheet not working because it's too big is not an "IT Issue".@SercoGroup – sub contract this out to me… I can do a banging pivot table and vlookup…

— Mike Hodge (@mikehodge_13) October 5, 2020

I saw that VLOOKUP was trending and was prepared to be amused. Turns out I'm horrified. I'm a Data Analyst & love VLOOKUP but holy shit, surely at some point someone should have thought "hey, why don't we use this money to build a database" rather than greedily taking the money?! https://t.co/cvYl2r4QUK

— Sarah Bush (@Lucky1375) October 5, 2020

Here is the article https://t.co/BE6xyeynBZ

Glad that they are apparently now working on a solution. Not one, but several Excel spreadsheets… pic.twitter.com/byfG35zMIG

— Max Roser (@MaxCRoser) October 5, 2020

I'm old enough to remember 3 days ago when Boris Johnson said we were all being too complacent and going out too much. https://t.co/sV9c4W3HKs

— TechnicallyRon (On all the platforms) (@TechnicallyRon) October 5, 2020

I don’t know where the government buys its software from, but I can get the latest version of Excel for less than £12 billion

— Dr Phil Hammond 💙 (@drphilhammond) October 5, 2020

I realised today I've been using the Post Office Tower as a landmark for 40 years without actually knowing where it is. I can find things in relation to it, but can't place the thing itself. All metaphorical suggestions welcome.

— Hugh Laurie (@hughlaurie) October 5, 2020

A windmill is just a really ineffective helicopter.

Yes that's it. That's the tweet. There's a lot going on and we are very tired so that's the tweet.

— Dave (@davechannel) October 6, 2020

Am I too late with this? pic.twitter.com/0i55NAiOCg

— Andrew R (@ExcelPope) October 5, 2020

Dance like no one is watching. No one is watching. You're still working from home. You could have been dancing all this time.

— Dave (@davechannel) October 7, 2020

At least I’m saving money by staying in and working from home I think to myself, as I greet the DPD delivery man at the door by name, sign for 3 parcels from Hermes and put 36 boxes from Amazon outside for recycling

— The Poke (@ThePoke) October 7, 2020

Just seen a man in Brixton with his mask covering only his mouth, using his nose to smoke a cigarette

— Isy Suttie (@Isysuttie) October 7, 2020

please everyone look at this duck pic.twitter.com/1rJlxT9oWl

— sarah (@heavenbrat) October 6, 2020

Wearing horizontal stripes can make you appear more stripey.

— Underwhelming Facts (@QuiteWhelming) October 7, 2020

Just realised Peter didn't call his Edinburgh bread "Breadinburgh". We're not angry. We're just disappointed. #GBBO

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 6, 2020

Rishi Sunak wants me and my colleagues to retrain. So I’ve decided to retrain… as Chancellor of the Exchequer.
Come on, I’m proficient in Excel (which is a rare thing in politics).

— Paul Kerensa (@paulkerensa) October 8, 2020

Scoring goals for club and country! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

Take a bow, @IngsDanny 🤩 pic.twitter.com/koHx2GyIpi

— Southampton FC (@SouthamptonFC) October 8, 2020

Every November, South Korea’s 18-year olds take an eight-hour exam, during which the nation’s shops shut, military training stops, planes are grounded and everyone has to remain as silent as possible, so that the students can concentrate.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) October 8, 2020

When Neil Armstrong took his first steps on the moon, he had a small piece of the Wright brothers' plane in his pocket.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) October 9, 2020

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it's going pretty well pic.twitter.com/SaPSogpo0r

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 8, 2020

Halloween 2019:
Person wearing a terrifying mask.

Halloween 2020:
Person not wearing a mask. Terrifying.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) October 8, 2020

I know there is little to laugh about at the moment, but the fact that 'chortle' is Lewis Carroll's blend of 'chuckle' and 'snort' makes me happy.

— Susie Dent (@susie_dent) October 9, 2020

NEW: The contact tracing app has been running for two weeks. The Saturday after it was launched it recorded 1.5m check-ins

So how many alerts has it sent about outbreaks in pubs and restaurants?

One. Just onehttps://t.co/cEX241eRrn

— Rowland Manthorpe (@rowlsmanthorpe) October 9, 2020

Always great to hear Boris Johnson (3 marriages, countless infidelities, unknown number of children, numerous sackings and indiscretions….) opining on the "fraying of people's discipline"

— Peter Smith (@Redpeter99) October 2, 2020

Utterly appalling from @MattHancock . And part of a worrying Trump-lite trend for Govt ministers to dismiss any sort of detailed questioning as horrible, awful, unpatriotic sniping. https://t.co/7rpYgXuphp

— Armando Iannucci (@Aiannucci) October 4, 2020

……The Year 2000 & The Year 2020, Changing Rooms reboots. I’m ready but is The World…….? pic.twitter.com/ETTiCASRet

— Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen (@LlewelynBowen) October 8, 2020

Couldn’t agree more. The levels of greed are nothing short of disgusting. Disappointed in my club @ManCity in supporting this. Only Leicester voted against. It’s time clubs and the twats at sky realised football in empty stadiums is shite. I hope they don’t get a penny for this https://t.co/C3SKWvpykL

— FailsworthMCSC (@failsworthmcsc) October 9, 2020

Today in 'satire is dead' – local Wetherspoons is now a COVID testing centre. pic.twitter.com/mo8JyRaA6X

— badly-drawn barbenheimer 🤯 (@soapachu) October 9, 2020

The Times newspaper front page was reserved for adverts until 1966, so the end of World War II on VE Day was page 6 news.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) October 9, 2020

In my opinion we need to realize that Trump is now legitimately mentally ill. His behavior this week has crossed the line into Dr Strangelove-land. I’m not trying to be funny or political. I truly think he needs help.

— Frank Oz (@TheFrankOzJam) October 9, 2020

Please Broadway (and all other theaters that remain closed) start filming shows with no audiences. Sell the film to streaming platforms and lets get these writers, directors, and actors paid. What the hell. Theater must think into the future now.

— Ayanna P. (@AyannaPrescod) October 9, 2020

How it started… How it's going… pic.twitter.com/c4rBLR0okd

— Oasis Christian Centre, Romsey (@OasisRomsey) October 10, 2020