ineke.co.uk

Breakfast table chat.
Me: ‘Jos, what do you think God wants to say to you today?’
Jos: ‘He likes cheese. And cucumber.’
Amen. 🧀 🥒

— Phil Knox (@philknox) February 14, 2021

Last week my husband asked me what I wanted for Valentine’s Day and I said nothing and today he has given me nothing for Valentine’s Day and he can’t understand why I’m mad at him.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) February 14, 2021

St. Valentine was the patron Saint of 24-hour garages.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) February 14, 2021

57-43 Guilty and he’s acquitted. What a nuts system.

— Emma Kennedy💙 (@EmmaKennedy) February 13, 2021

“There’s no question, none, that President Trump is practically, and morally, responsible for provoking the events of the day… but the Senate is not meant to act as a “moral tribunal”"

Mitch McConnell
Can someone explain this to me.#TrumpImpeachmentTrial

— krish kandiah (@krishk) February 13, 2021

The perfect cartoon pic.twitter.com/CPmQn43R0J

— Con O'Neill (@cononeilluk) February 13, 2021

According to a 15-year study, wearing bras can accelerate breast sagging as they prevent supportive muscle from growing. According to Dr Jean-Denis Rouillon: ‘Medically, physiologically, anatomically, the breast does not benefit from being deprived of gravity.’

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) February 14, 2021

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Thank you for joining us
Steve you're on mute

— Dave (@davechannel) February 14, 2021

The most American thing I can think of is that 57 people voted to convict and 43 voted to acquit, and the 43 people won

— Margaret Owen, Temporary Hermit (@what_eats_owls) February 13, 2021

I’d love to know who in the govt waved through the ‘do not resuscitate’ notices given to Covid patients with learning disabilities. Anyone know? https://t.co/ZCf8xb6VKq

— Emma Kennedy💙 (@EmmaKennedy) February 14, 2021

When #PrincessEugenie got married #MeghanMarkle announced within 48 hours after the wedding that she was expecting her first child…Eugenie just gave birth and here comes #Meghan again within 48 hours to announce her second pregnancy!! Let Eugenie have her moment 😒 #2021 pic.twitter.com/JdPkULAV8S

— ✧･ﾟ(*❦ω❦)*SÆnne :*(*❦ω❦) (@Saenne_) February 14, 2021

The Netherlands looks like an old master’s painting today 🖼⛸ pic.twitter.com/n6MWI8iAwX

— Dirk Janssen🇳🇱🇺🇸 (@NLinSF) February 13, 2021

With Valentine's out of the way it's worth remembering that the true meaning of February is Pancake Day.

— innocent drinks (@innocent) February 15, 2021

No one says it like that. It's "Fiiiiiiiinally" not "Finalllllllly". pic.twitter.com/osbkpv2Cok

— Paul Kerensa (@paulkerensa) February 15, 2021

In counselling I said “if I’m so good as you say, why has nobody fallen in love with me?”

My counsellor interrupted “No! I refuse to let you do this. Just because a beautiful masterpiece has not yet been bought does not take away its value and worth.”

Happy V day masterpieces.

— Nadine (@nadinewouldsay) February 14, 2021

Last time we had fun… pic.twitter.com/n8luFt1m8I

— Jake Humphrey 💙 (@mrjakehumphrey) February 14, 2021

In the sentence, “Love is a verb,” “love” is a noun.

— Daniel Bunn (@DanielBunnJr) February 14, 2021

So it begins: my week-long movie marathon for @BBCR1!

I'll watch through the alphabet, A-Z, with *you* suggesting the films.

That there @gregjames kicked things off with Anchorman – WHAMMY! – but what will be C? Or D? Or M? Or P? Or Q? Let us know!#R1MovieMarathon #Plumbathon pic.twitter.com/w9sNU1fW3Y

— Ali Plumb (@AliPlumb) February 15, 2021

This Lindsay Lohan interview on David Letterman in 2013 is horrifying to watch now. pic.twitter.com/lZxKVvbVB0

— 𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐲 𝐭𝐚𝐲𝐥𝐨𝐫 (@treytylor) February 13, 2021

A short history of appalling interviewing of women 👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻 https://t.co/xQn42s00R3

— Minnie Stephenson (@MinnieStephC4) February 14, 2021

It is not a staycation just because it's not abroad. pic.twitter.com/YkJaWqhwxR

— https:// (@Joe_Henegan) February 15, 2021

Don’t forget to leave an egg out tonight for Father Pancake.

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) February 15, 2021

We'll just leave this here… #PanFlake #PancakeDay #ShroveTuesday pic.twitter.com/W4iB8TMIyJ

— Cadbury UK (@CadburyUK) February 16, 2021

*sigh* pic.twitter.com/VlnmNEVH0K

— badly-drawn bee 🐝 (@soapachu) February 15, 2021

Lemon and sugar is a complete waste and no longer in the spirit of Shrove Tuesday. Shrove Tuesday is about consuming luxuries before the fast, syrup, ice cream, chocolate etc, lemon is a fruit, fruit is an obligation. Lemon and sugar is too frugal for the feast

— Kate Bottley (@revkatebottley) February 16, 2021

On the anniversary where one woman took her own life after being hounded by the media, this is the headline a paper ran about a woman chased out of the country by the media who announced her pregnancy yesterday, after suffering a miscarriage last year. Let that sink in. pic.twitter.com/yz9MhPEl0Z

— Jessica Davies (@_JessicaDavies) February 15, 2021

Peter Kavinsky may not be perfect, but this moment certainly was.#AlwaysAndForever #ToAllTheBoys pic.twitter.com/QoCiLlImuX

— Jennifer Hall (@JennHall88) February 15, 2021

Tim has out-Vined himself here. https://t.co/oRxwisqA7M

— Shappi Khorsandi (@ShappiKhorsandi) February 16, 2021

A new podcast is launched somewhere in the world every 30 seconds.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) February 16, 2021

Screenwriters you are held in a queue…you are currently 42nd IN LINE to pitch this to Netflix https://t.co/yF5cHA2ILf

— tom jamieson (@jamiesont) February 16, 2021

For lent this year I’ve given up standing…
(Photo @PoliticalPics) pic.twitter.com/q1qB4mZleM

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) February 17, 2021

Any news on Prince Andrew relinquishing his military titles? Or is it just something that people want to see taken from Harry?

— Prof Kate Williams 💙 (@KateWilliamsme) February 17, 2021

It's difficult to comprehend how its March again in two weeks as it feels like last March was only yesterday and somehow 17 years ago at the same time.

— Dave (@davechannel) February 17, 2021

Dear Boris Johnson and Matt Hancock,
STOP WITH THE ELBOW SHAKING.
No one else is doing it.
What if you have filthy elbows?

— Paul Kerensa (@paulkerensa) February 17, 2021

You can’t touch elbows and stay 2m away. Boris – you are not Mr Tickle.

— Paul Kerensa (@paulkerensa) February 17, 2021

What is Dominic Raab keeping out with the broom? Wrong answers only. pic.twitter.com/bHBIr8jj6p

— Rupert Myers (@RupertMyers) February 17, 2021

Because the Moon is moving further away from us, the Earth will cease to experience total solar eclipses in 563 million years time.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) February 17, 2021

Taking Ash Wednesday to the extreme: Mount Etna: Ash clouds as Sicilian volcano erupts https://t.co/YQoh8NaCCt

— Patrick J L Davies (@pjld86) February 17, 2021

Happy anniversary of Boris Johnson, the man who “did everything he could” on Covid, having skipped the fifth consecutive Cobra meeting on the subject.

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) February 18, 2021

One year ago today, I missed the 5th Cobra meeting in a row.
But in the following weeks I did find time to:
-attend a rugby match with 82,000 people
-shake hands with everyone in a hospital
-let 250,000 people go to the Cheltenham Festival
-stop community testing

— Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) February 18, 2021

How do you learn to trust the weather man/woman again when they've broken it so many times in the past?

— https:// (@Joe_Henegan) February 18, 2021

Day 8 of quarantine in Auckland- looking forward to performing around NZ soon. Joined some Zoom dance/fitness classes with @OtiMabuse , been on supervised walks in the hotel car park- I am also talking to the sparrow with whom I share my muffin- that’s normal right? pic.twitter.com/Jck3ztlZOO

— Bill Bailey (@BillBailey) February 18, 2021

In promo pictures, Apple products are almost always set at 9:41am. Apple aim to do their product ‘reveal’ around 40 minutes into their presentations, and want the time on the picture to mirror the audience’s watches as closely as possible.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) February 18, 2021

Career criminal of the day. pic.twitter.com/78OZt7BqFj

— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) February 18, 2021

New York vs London pic.twitter.com/oiRQf3bO6H

— Greg James (@gregjames) February 18, 2021

There are still almost as many Covid patients in hospital as at the *peak* of the first wave.

ICUs are still running at 150% of capacity.

But yes, @DailyMailUK. Throw caution to the wind. Bring it on. I mean, what’s a few more tens of thousands of lives, hey? pic.twitter.com/eDlxLkmDIP

— Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) February 18, 2021

I know pigeons that learn quicker than this. pic.twitter.com/IuOyYYF0aj

— Dr Adam Rutherford (@AdamRutherford) February 18, 2021

If we were chickens we would no longer be considered free range.

— Simon Brodkin 💙 (@SimonBrodkin) February 18, 2021

Apparently skinny jeans are now out of fashion and bootcut and flared jeans are making a comeback, so now the next generations get to experience the jeans wearing issues we had back in the 90s. pic.twitter.com/QHx7eLL0Rl

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) February 18, 2021

Today I discovered there are sea slugs that look like rabbits (Jorunna parva – sea bunny), sheep (Costasiella kuroshimae – leaf slug/leaf sheep), cows (Peltodoris atromaculata – dotted sea slug/sea cow) and leaves (Elysia chlorotica)
This has made me happy. pic.twitter.com/6ZTYNBebak

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) February 18, 2021

This is the COOLEST. A Google Earth-type representation of the planet. Every green dot is a radio station. Click any dot to listen in. It’s like cultural teleportation. You could spend hours with this thing… https://t.co/rdEHUUfgvk pic.twitter.com/VJgyzVClJD

— David Pogue (@Pogue) February 14, 2021

This is what happens if you open up recklessly & too quickly without adequate support from public health infrastructure. pic.twitter.com/m06U728j0j

— Prof. Devi Sridhar (@devisridhar) February 15, 2021

A pandemic. A snowstorm. And a bored guy… pic.twitter.com/LesW42P8rf

— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) February 16, 2021

“It would have broken his heart, honestly, if we said to him people are hating us”

Captain Sir Tom Moore daughter’s Hannah tells #BBCBreakfast the family hid online abuse from him. https://t.co/ILIXZPlcW6 pic.twitter.com/ma9Y5GALFW

— BBC Breakfast (@BBCBreakfast) February 17, 2021

Confirmed; @gregjames has lost the plot😂 pic.twitter.com/050iGODHSk

— max baldry (@maxbaldry15) February 17, 2021

After Julia Hartley-Brewer complains that Nasa can send a probe to Mars yet we’re not allowed to visit our next door neighbour, scientists point out that the R-rate tends to be pretty low on planets with a population of zero.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) February 19, 2021

So, I've had the jab:
a) No improvement in wifi.
b) Bill Gates has not been in touch.
c) I have not grown a tail.

Very disappointed.

— Adrian Edmondson (@AdrianEdmondson) February 19, 2021

BREAKING NEWS! It's a wrap!! Series 10 of #CallTheMidwife completes filming!! 🎉🙌👏😀🎥🚲❤️ https://t.co/SA5ezhW5h3 pic.twitter.com/eE14qwKhCu

— Call the Midwife (@CallTheMidwife1) February 19, 2021

Incredible scenes. pic.twitter.com/jiO8vRtbKX

— Scott Bryan (@scottygb) February 19, 2021

The original Muppet Show hit Disney+ today. They have a “skip intro” button on the opening song. WHAT KIND OF MONSTER SKIPS THE MUPPET SHOW THEME SONG

— Angela Anuszewski (@psu256) February 19, 2021

Was watching Married at First Sight Australia, and I thought…

How do they get the programme all the way over here from Australia? Do they send a DVD in the post, or is it a really big email attachment?

— Jay Foreman (@jayforeman) February 19, 2021