ineke.co.uk

If they had put the people who send out university alumni magazines in charge of Track and Trace we’d all be in the pub by now.

— Kate Rodenhurst (@katerodenhurst) February 19, 2021

If the government are planning to re-open schools in 3 weeks, shouldn’t we just vaccinate all teachers and school staff right now?

— Dara Ó Briain (@daraobriain) February 22, 2021

21st of June 2021, sometime just after lunch. pic.twitter.com/BRZ2IAd9pU

— Chris Olivant (@olly2518) February 22, 2021

Bitcoin has an equivalent carbon footprint to the whole of New Zealand.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) February 22, 2021

Can I go to Bolton on the 29th March? 2 households can meet but encouraged to stay local… I know I’m not alone in this – not seen my dad since dec 2019 (I mean other people are in same position, not that they’ve not seen my dad. Tho he IS lovely & you’d defo like him) pic.twitter.com/y5OBH4Ibks

— sara cox💙 (@sarajcox) February 22, 2021

I'm sure some will disagree with this take, but even so, we as Christians *must* stop crying "discrimination!" and "persecution!" where there is none. https://t.co/qr3k4G4aAB

— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) February 22, 2021

This new version of Worzel Gummidge is rubbish.#DowningStreetBriefing

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) February 22, 2021

20 seconds into his prepared speech and Boris Johnson is quoting the Hunger Games. That bodes well. pic.twitter.com/wLWkTZd238

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) February 22, 2021

Boris Johnson: “I can’t guarantee that it will be irreversible, but that’s the intention”
If you can’t guarantee it, then it’s not irreversible, it’s reversible. That’s how words work.

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) February 22, 2021

I genuinely have a little tidy sometimes before I go out incase we are burgled, so we know. https://t.co/xiWPlJAz0A

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) February 22, 2021

On the one hand I can't wait for lockdown to ease a bit, on the other hand I am terrified my already prevalent social anxiety has, over the last year, mutated into some sort of super anxiety where someone will ask how I am and I'll just laugh maniacally at them before passing out

— TechnicallyRon (On all the platforms) (@TechnicallyRon) February 22, 2021

To help us get ready for lockdown easing we will be showing a series of educational films to help us all socialise again, including:
– How to reply to How Are You without just saying Oh You Know
– Why can't I mute this person in real life
– Yes you should be wearing trousers

— Dave (@davechannel) February 22, 2021

Business idea: Deliveroo for printing. You have a doc you need printing, you send it to them & twenty mins later a nice man on a bike delivers it to you and YOU NEVER HAVE TO MANAGE YOUR OWN PRINTER'S INSANE BEHAVIOUR EVER AGAIN. Somebody make this happen pls

— Harriet Minter (@HarrietMinter) February 21, 2021

When we’re allowed WHO WILL YOU HUG? Excluding all fam – so once you’ve hugged your kin? I’d hug the security at work who’ve kept going through all of this & Stephen Fry for helping me sleep with his reassuringly calm voice on audiobooks during the worst times. pic.twitter.com/ADX3e6lG6b

— sara cox💙 (@sarajcox) February 23, 2021

HONEST ROADMAP

March
Schools open in one go. Cases rise

April
Cases soar due to lack of border controls & funding to self-isolate

May
Test & Trace still failing
Hancock defends billions more to cronies

June
NHS still swamped, deaths high.
PM says “we did everything we could”

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) February 23, 2021

Oor Nicola was pictured without a mask. MSM: RESIGN!
Diane Abbott, drinking on a train. MSM: RESIGN!
Hancock found guilty of breaking the law. MSM: SILENCE!
See how it works yet?

— Keith R (@TheHornyHaggis) February 22, 2021

20 June 21 June pic.twitter.com/KyGCmj7h5S

— Billie (@_BillieBelieves) February 22, 2021

Why call it a vaccine passport when you could just call it a covID

— Dave (@davechannel) February 23, 2021

Looking forward to the argument about what colour the vaccination passports should be.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) February 23, 2021

The lockdown easing calendar made easy:
March 8th – Day pints because kids are at school
March 29th – Pints in a park but don't come near me
April 12th – Pints in a beer garden maybe
May 17th – Pints in a pub perhaps but not if it's too busy because we no longer trust people

— Dave (@davechannel) February 23, 2021

This may seem petty, but it’s bothered me for a long time.

If you lead a ministry with significant social media presence, and the ministry’s social media only show really pretty people, you may be accidentally preaching a prosperity gospel.

— Taylor Combs (@combstaylor_) February 23, 2021

New Year's Eve bedtime:

Age 12: 9pm

Age 16: midnight

Age 20: 2am

Age 28: 4am

Age 32: midnight

Age 36: 9pm

— Morgan Housel (@morganhousel) December 31, 2019

People in their thirties discussing TikTok: pic.twitter.com/qFYi7BDaFi

— Lindsay Theisen (@lindsaytheis) December 31, 2019

Honestly thought my 30s would involve way less acne, and yet here we are

— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 6, 2018

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 17, 2020

Petition to make the bags that carry dog snacks crinkle at a different frequency then the bags that carry human snacks. I’m just trying to eat my m&m’s in peace.

— Joelle Monique ✍🏾 (@JoelleMonique) February 23, 2021

This photo has improved my day pic.twitter.com/32N8mjyQYd

— Sarah (@idlewildgirl) February 23, 2021

Conspiracy theorists believe that Bill Gates created fake snowstorms in Texas. That's one hell of a techy glow-up since the release of Explorer.

— The Poke (@ThePoke) February 24, 2021

All I want in life is a bit of excitement. Just once, I'd like to read that the film is recyclable but the tray isn't

— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) February 24, 2021

Ribena switching to paper straws on its cartons – saving 16 tonnes of plastic each year https://t.co/mSihpRjmwq

— Sky News (@SkyNews) February 24, 2021

I know business cards are a thing of the past right – but the simplicity and elegance of this one was beautifully done pic.twitter.com/YoI40XEW8d

— James Herring (@itsjamesherring) February 24, 2021

Today’s fun fact from the Select Committee.
Only 1% of arrivals in the UK are actually quarantining in hotels.

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) February 24, 2021

Are looking for a brilliantly-engineered self-service tortoise brush which impresses your customer with its outstanding brushing performance, effortlessly reaches every part of your tortoise's shell, and operates at a brushing pace that suits them? Look no further. pic.twitter.com/ALtElxTC5s

— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) February 25, 2021

As Gavin Williamson reveals grades will be decided by teachers, experts warn it could result in people ending up in jobs they’re not remotely qualified for, such as Secretary of State for Education.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) February 25, 2021

My friend just took an elderly relative for a Covid shot. In Salisbury Cathedral. The organist was playing, taking requests. So they walked up the aisle of this gigantic 800 year old national treasure, metres away from Magna Carta, to the booming sounds of "Beside the Seaside"

— Dan Snow (@thehistoryguy) February 25, 2021

Up periscope. pic.twitter.com/QNMqIVkNoD

— Richard Coles (@RevRichardColes) February 25, 2021

The hair’s far too neat https://t.co/Ms8bNybmsn

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) February 25, 2021

Truly. I hear too many complaints about how annoying the restrictions are and not nearly enough about how tragic the loss of life is. Also, it seems taboo to thank God for the vaccine.

— Joe Henegan (@Joe_Henegan) February 25, 2021

WHAT NHS STAFF CAN HAVE
Some claps
A badge

WHAT THEY CAN’T HAVE
A proper pay rise pic.twitter.com/QoIREkEytN

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) February 25, 2021

Here I am singing Alphabeat down the phone again being all pushed and political as per pic.twitter.com/QaqeraSm90

— Greg James (@gregjames) February 25, 2021

Nope come on, you can’t start making out Mr Potato Head is a thing you can ‘have opinions’ about.

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) February 25, 2021

Absolutely devastating from @DrJoGrady on Matt Hancock’s attempts to gaslight us into believing there was no shortage of PPE. #bbcqt pic.twitter.com/UuAgLbJ2ax

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) February 26, 2021

In 2008, NASA researchers threw 90 rubber ducks into a hole in the Greenland ice-shelf to see where the meltwater would take them.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) February 25, 2021

Actually, Mr. Potato Head is my FATHER’s name.
(Hmm. This one is all in the delivery)

— Dara Ó Briain (@daraobriain) February 25, 2021

Frequency of letter use in English words and where they occur in the word. #dataviz pic.twitter.com/Er7QSsB4qF

— Neil Kaye (@neilrkaye) February 21, 2021

This is Burger. He thinks he’s invisible. Would’ve pulled it off if it weren’t for his wiggles. 13/10 still very sneaky pic.twitter.com/wqrYkP9JrE

— WeRateDogs (@dog_rates) February 24, 2021

One day in the future, Covid will be just a low hum, and lockdowns the stuff of nostalgia clip-shows. We'll sit in pubs with friends, then walk home, swaying, arms entwined. When that day comes, then, above all else, I really really want to get Jonathan Van Tam on #HouseOfGames

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) February 27, 2021

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
And you’ll NEVER guess what sat down beside her

– if nursery rhymes were clickbait

— Toby Earle 🇺🇦 Threads tobyontv (@TobyonTV) February 27, 2021

I'm sure confused. pic.twitter.com/xIHKmLxRWy

— David Crowder (@crowdermusic) February 27, 2021

These rugby player’s mums are probably going to write a stern letter to the games teacher questioning the wisdom of the black paint on the grass and how it plays hell with a white wash even at 60 degrees.

— Adrian Edmondson ❎ (@AdrianEdmondson) February 27, 2021

pic.twitter.com/kkILCSm3zJ

— jack rem (@jackremmington) February 27, 2021