ineke.co.uk

Is it still social distancing in a shop if you kind of hunch down and quickly tip-toe past someone in the aisle, whispering “sorry”?

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) February 27, 2021

just seen a female CEO referred to as a “she-eo” and have vomited so hard my soul has left my body or should I say me she-oul has left my bod(she)y

— Stevie Martin (@5tevieM) February 28, 2021

Just think, if Remus had killed Romulus instead, we’d maybe talk about:

-The Reman Catholic Church,
– Holy Reman Empire,
– My Chemical Remance,
– Remantic Comedies,
– Remania,
– Reman Holiday

— Greg Jenner (@greg_jenner) February 27, 2021

Today’s shopping list left in supermarket trolley: pic.twitter.com/g1N5QONccj

— Robert Popper (@robertpopper) February 28, 2021

RULES OF MARCH

1. Daffodils will be EVERYWHERE
2. Cherry blossoms will blossom
3. Easter eggs are an acceptable breakfast
4. It will be sunny
5. It will be rainy
6. It might be snowy
7. You'll never know whether you need a jacket or not but whichever way you go you will be wrong

— innocent drinks (@innocent) March 1, 2021

317 girls aged 12-16 were abducted from a school in Nigeria on Friday and there’s barely a squeak in the media. What a world we live in.

— Marquis Melrose (@MasterMelrose) February 28, 2021

A politician claiming £240 for airpods is shithousery.

A politician giving an unqualified friend a £240m contract is state sponsored corruption.

One will make you irate for a day, one will leave your pension with a hole in it and your kids paying more tax for 20 yrs.

— Stan Collymore (@StanCollymore) March 1, 2021

Email from my daughters’ headteacher today:

“Our priority is to support children back into school well and as a staff group we are avoiding phrases like “catch up …. fallen behind … lost learning”, as these are unhelpful and in the national context unnecessary…. 1/2

— Kate Massey (@katemassey77) March 1, 2021

Has a team ever been relegated after being top of the league in November? Asking for a friend 🙄

— Matt Le Tissier😁 (@mattletiss7) March 1, 2021

Well, as several teachers predicted, at 50 years of age I have no discernible income and I cut my own hair.

— Dave Gorman (@DaveGorman) March 2, 2021

After entire budget leaks to the press prior to official announcement, Rishi Sunak faces gruelling 15 minutes of posing with red briefcase before going back to bed.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) March 3, 2021

My local @tesco is better than yours pic.twitter.com/8dhUXd4gwN

— Angus Duncan (@Angus_Duncan) March 2, 2021

no one dresses better than the starling in her cloak of many stars pic.twitter.com/Sqf2RCS2Er

— Owl! at the Library 😴🧙‍♀️ (@SketchesbyBoze) March 3, 2021

Today's date is 4.3.21. This won't happen again. For ages.

— cluedont (@cluedont) March 4, 2021

Prepare to love Jonathan Van-Tam even more than you already do: https://t.co/y32QxBn0XT

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) March 4, 2021

This has aged well pic.twitter.com/0WkDAXEa1p

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) March 4, 2021

"world book day" it's called an atlas you morons

— joe (@mutablejoe) March 5, 2021

Oh I get it, we can now just pay what we owe by standing outside HMRC and clapping…

— Milton Jones (@themiltonjones) March 5, 2021

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE ARE MANAGING TO 'REWATCH' TV SERIES WHEN THERE ARE 7,500 POPULAR SHOWS I HAVE NOT EVEN WATCHED FOR THE FIRST TIME.

— Mark Watson, author of Contacts (@watsoncomedian) March 4, 2021

I don’t care that Lola Bunny is dressed less sexy in Space Jam 2 but I am unbelievably exhausted by the idea that the way you communicate that a female character is to be taken seriously is by removing her boobs

— Lux "24/7 🌌 🧠" Alptraum (@LuxAlptraum) March 4, 2021

I’ve read a lot of books to my kids at this stage and wow, some children’s authors really do love making a character fat to show that they’re a baddie.

— Mark Watson, author of Contacts (@watsoncomedian) March 5, 2021

Yes, the Wandavison but about the “Ship of Theseus” would have worked better as “Trigger’s Broom”; but it would have been even better as “Sugababes”.

— Dara Ó Briain (@daraobriain) March 6, 2021

I cannot trust anyone who calls school staff “front-line workers” with one breath, but then uses the next breath to say school staff do not need to be vaccinated to be safe.

— Brian Phillips (@PBLKnight) February 6, 2021

Just putting this out there. I’m feeling quite anxious about getting back into social situations. We’ve all got got used to staying in. The dishwasher had been my focus!! Can’t wait to meet up with friends but I know it will be emotional. Anyone feel the same?

— Les Dennis (@LesDennis) March 6, 2021