ineke.co.uk

If the police had stood with the women tonight. Silently. As if to symbolically atone for one of their number being responsible. A simple healing gesture.
But no.
These ugly times just get uglier.

— Danny Baker (@prodnose) March 13, 2021

The actual people from *THAT* meme, 10 years on …
. pic.twitter.com/SjW7PAwMbk

— John O'Connell (@jdpoc) March 13, 2021

pic.twitter.com/wXdWKerdVT

— Sue Perkins 💙 (@sueperkins) March 13, 2021

Happy Mothers Day to all the mums who just walked into the kitchen which now resembles some sort of breakfast aisle explosion zone after your breakfast in bed. This room is your present now.

— Dave (@davechannel) March 14, 2021

People are too casual about the fact that parrots can talk

— nat (@ncm0611) March 13, 2021

This is excellent. When the maths hits your eye like a big pizza π. https://t.co/g5s4CQvZsm

— Matt Parker (@standupmaths) March 14, 2021

Aerial view of Barcelona will never cease to amaze me. pic.twitter.com/gY7MkNVZJH

— 🧜🏼‍♀️ (@riayasminn) March 13, 2021

One day Labour are going to bite the bullet and realise someone like Jess Phillips might just be the person to reshape the political narrative in their favour, rather than yet another identikit white, middle-class, liberal man from North London.

— (((Dan Hodges))) (@DPJHodges) March 14, 2021

The term pi was introduced in 1706, before that it was know as ‘the quantity which when the diameter is multiplied by it, yields the circumference’.
Happy pi day! pic.twitter.com/Xua7techGf

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) March 14, 2021

Under the PCS&C Bill, a person causing “serious annoyance, distress or inconvenience” may be imprisoned for 10 years. Also, anyone who is mean, or doesn’t pass the parcel, or eats too much cake.

— Hugh Laurie (@hughlaurie) March 15, 2021

my restaurant started a challenge: if we go 30 days without having to ask anyone to put a mask on we will give away free donuts for a day. So far the longest we’ve made it on any day is 2:30pm

— rk (@knoxmulder) March 14, 2021

You spelt SCIENCE wrong. pic.twitter.com/80pC74juQh

— Dr Dominic Pimenta MD (@DrDomPimenta) March 15, 2021

🥳 L’ambiance attendue dans les musées lorsque l’on va nous annoncer leur réouverture ! 🤣

Qui sera dans le même état ?! (moi 🙋🏻‍♂️ moi 🙋🏻‍♂️ moi 🙋🏻‍♂️) pic.twitter.com/aBOdrRK8xn

— Culturez-vous (@CulturezVous) March 8, 2021

Incredibly hard to judge the Oscar categories in this locked down/cinemas closed/pandemic year when my two favourite performances on film were Jackie Weaver in Handforth Parish Council Meeting & American lawyer in 'Judge, I don't know how to turn this cat filter off'

— Tom Jamieson (@jamiesont) March 15, 2021

When I say “last year,” I’m talking about 2019.

— Jamila Robinson (@JamilaRobinson) March 14, 2021

I'm available. https://t.co/WHCbYpOIlH

— Jess Phillips MP (@jessphillips) March 15, 2021

Police dispersed a crowd doing the #HokeyCokey dance in Alexandra Park in #Hastings yesterday morning.

No covid fines were issued. pic.twitter.com/FFNMtStceU

— BBC Radio Sussex (@BBCSussex) March 15, 2021

Drinking game for NMJ Live on Friday (19th March) anyone? 🍻🍷
Non-drinkers also welcome to join in obvs! 😁
Bit. Of. Fun.
Over.#nomorejockeys @watsoncomedian @AlexHorne @timkeyperson
credits 🧤:@paper_bag_girl – emoji creations@Emberhart – doing the infamous Mert Aksaç work pic.twitter.com/5KTpFWBniF

— Below The Line (@AccessComedyBTL) March 15, 2021

Can we have the AZ vaccine back if they don’t want it? I’ll happily have some.

— Kirstie Allsopp (@KirstieMAllsopp) March 15, 2021

A word invented by ‘The Simpsons’ has been added to the dictionary https://t.co/DIqpx9S4fm

— The Independent (@Independent) March 15, 2021

Are we sure that ‘guarding the statue’ isn’t just a job invented for the less gifted coppers?
‘So, Dave, you’ve a really important job tonight. You’re going to guard the statue! I know! That whole statue! You stay there, we’ll collect you later. Yes, you can bring a snack.” https://t.co/dh1MzNL9iK

— Dara Ó Briain (@daraobriain) March 15, 2021

A lockdown haiku:

It's nearly a year
You know by now that the mask
Goes over your nose

— Dave (@davechannel) March 16, 2021

pic.twitter.com/9VqNVF5v7L

— george griffiths (@georgegriffiths) March 8, 2021

My mum when I ask her how to clean a skirting board pic.twitter.com/CPrxUl0cQo

— Katie Storey (@KEStorey) March 5, 2021

I'm hearing 30 or 40 people have had their dishwasher break down after having the AstraZeneca vaccine

— Matt Leys (@mattleys) March 16, 2021

I just read 1 Corinthians 12 again and no, arguing on the Internet isn't actually a spiritual gift.

— Anon Church Guy (@MrChurchGuy) March 16, 2021

Do we want to talk about the contraceptive pill having a higher potential blood clot rate than the AstraZeneca vaccine?

Or are we too tired?

— Lauren Dudley📸 (@Lauren9Dudley) March 15, 2021

A graph of British Rivers pic.twitter.com/2JcOlGqAzi

— Moose Allain (2024 edition) Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) March 16, 2021

If you're anxious about having an Astra Zeneca vaccine:

🔹After 10 million doses, Astra Zeneca have reported 28 cases of blood clots.

🔹Pfizer: 11 million doses, 25 cases.

🔹Why is one suspended & not the other?

🔹Politics, not science.

Both vaccines are exceptionally safe.

— Dr Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) March 16, 2021

No money for overseas aid to build influence and International relations but plenty for Nuclear Warheads. Shallow, lazy, Trumpian.

— Deborah Meaden 🇺🇦 (@DeborahMeaden) March 16, 2021

Breakfast time: Dominic Cummings tries to take credit for the vaccination programme
Tea time: Vaccination programme goes wrong#Superforecast

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) March 17, 2021

What an astonishing thing a book is. It’s a flat object made from a tree with flexible parts on which are imprinted lots of funny dark squiggles. But one glance at it and you’re inside the mind of another person, maybe somebody dead for thousands of years. CARL SAGAN

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) March 17, 2021

WEATHER IN SPRING:

• Sunny – 60 secs
• Drizzle – 5 mins
• Blue sky – 3 mins
• Torrential downpour – 8 mins
• Sunny again – 4 mins
• Hailstorm surprise – 45 secs
• Sunny for a third time – 30 secs
• Medium-sized Sharknado – 2 mins
• Sunny – 60 secs

REPEAT UNTIL JUNE

— innocent drinks (@innocent) March 18, 2021

pic.twitter.com/qyeCN79pUH

— Candy Gregory 💙 (@candyspets2) March 16, 2021

Taskmaster is on tonight at 9pm.

The bleeped version is on All4 from midnight – ideal timing for kids, I'd have thought.

I love this cast. Hope you do too.

— Alex Horne (@AlexHorne) March 18, 2021

My cat staring down a blue tit on the bird feeder while playing her own Alfred Hitchcock-style theme tune of suspense is probably the best thing I’ve seen all year… 🎹 🔈 pic.twitter.com/wTMW7stVMv

— Library Cat (@edinlibrarycat) March 16, 2021

was worried about how I'd react to antivaxxers, but think I'm immune now

— Milton Jones (@themiltonjones) March 18, 2021

Imagine if dogs found out they’re actually full of bones.

— Jake Lambert (@jakelambertcom) March 18, 2021

My brain:
1970 was 30 years ago
1990 was 10 years ago
1995 was 10 years ago
2000 was 10 years ago
2010 was 10 years ago
2016 was a couple years ago
2017 didn't happen
2018 was 2 years ago
2019 was last year
2020 was last year
2021 it's only January pic.twitter.com/UJCaJlP3Do

— Julie Benson (@TheJulieBenson) March 18, 2021

Satisfying shadows for perfectionists pic.twitter.com/6JibDWXlqm

— Joaquim Campa (@JoaquimCampa) March 18, 2021

It’s the sequinned collar collab you’ve been waiting for.

Me and the lovely @Dawn_French did a thing on your telly box at 7pm tonight
If it makes you smile, and you’re able, please flash your cash for @comicrelief

And I’ve kept this secret for AGES https://t.co/V8gDacV42u pic.twitter.com/8vP5YFjkVl

— Kate Bottley (@revkatebottley) March 19, 2021

“It’s a metaphor for an entire year of Covid incompetence”

Journalist Ian Hislop says it’s “a ridiculous amount of money” to spend £2.6 million on a briefing room while granting NHS workers a 1% pay rise. #bbcqt pic.twitter.com/3qcEbhjE63

— BBC Question Time (@bbcquestiontime) March 18, 2021

Thank you @davewalker for today’s prophetic cartoon in @ChurchTimes #yeseveninchurch pic.twitter.com/sHueqDjshd

— Rachel Phillips 🎄 (@RevRach) March 19, 2021

Happy #Caturdayhttps://t.co/nmDzTBUBru

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) March 20, 2021

Morning everybody! The day rings with possibility. Shall we try and go back to sleep?

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) March 20, 2021

I don't know who needs to hear this, but your choice to give up the last eleven or so months of your regular life, being careful and socially distancing, could very well be the reason somebody else is alive today – and it will *always* have been worth it.

— Peter Hicks (@poggs) March 19, 2021

Never understood licorice. Why would you want candy to taste like medicine? Hmmm?

— Josh Morgerman (@iCyclone) March 20, 2021

Always thought Jedward was two guys. https://t.co/1YTLUCxSO5

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) March 20, 2021

First day of spring AND @BigBird’s birthday? Now that’s a good Saturday! Happy Birthday, Big Bird! pic.twitter.com/kz2PCPGko9

— Sesame Street (@sesamestreet) March 20, 2021

I like Cinderella, but the boring subplot about the housekeeper spoils the mouse story.

— Jay Foreman (@jayforeman) March 20, 2021