A word invented by The Simpsons has been added to the dictionary.
Nurses share the worst baby names they’ve heard.
Things men only learned once they lived with women.
What if I told you I don’t bother trying to hit a rounded up number when I fill my car with petrol? I just fill it up and whatever amount it is, so be it.
Yeah, that’s how I roll. #maverick
— Kate Bottley (@revkatebottley) March 20, 2021
My daughter is yr 6. Her school have said her class have missed out on a lot of school through Covid. They all need to 'catch up'. So next week, lessons are cancelled, its non unform, games, outdoor learning & camp fires. They're 'catching up' on making memories. Awesome.
— Heather Fowler (@always_hope83) March 19, 2021
Really getting to the crux of it now. pic.twitter.com/ytVXsOftRv
— innocent drinks (@innocent) March 20, 2021
Forgot to mute so they all heard the weeping. pic.twitter.com/3oNjTnu9Dk
— innocent drinks (@innocent) March 20, 2021
A baby armadillo playing with it's favourite toy is the kind of content I'm here for pic.twitter.com/IlPfVWuOWp
— Giles Paley-Phillips (@eliistender10) March 20, 2021
I hope we get a story about him every week in different places. I want to see a picture of him in Paris in a beret. https://t.co/soaaQ8loyf
— Michael Fry (@BigDirtyFry) March 20, 2021
Three years after finishing Middle England, garden centres remain a constant source of inspiration. Casting around for a female character name and yesterday I think I may have struck gold … pic.twitter.com/dgoEfTJnXd
— Jonathan Coe (@jonathancoe) March 20, 2021
A foreign holiday’s not a birth right
— Kerry Godliman (@KerryAGodliman) March 20, 2021
Just completed the census, as my contribution to the 150th series of 'Who Do You Think You Are?' in 2120.
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) March 21, 2021
Two presidents. One year apart. pic.twitter.com/BJwL7QTJz9
— The Recount (@therecount) March 12, 2021
Pro of church gathered online… the ice-cream van a strange sanctus bell, and the best post service coffee treat. Spring is announced. pic.twitter.com/U49SdCk5OG
— Alice Watson (@alicelydiajoy) March 21, 2021
It's not a staycation if you're not sleeping in your own house. You're literally going away otherwise.
— Chris Addison💙 (@mrchrisaddison) March 21, 2021
And I thought this only happened in Disney cartoons…😍 https://t.co/Jar7IUoKv2
— Mark Hamill (@HamillHimself) March 20, 2021
So they're telling us CHIS stands for 'Covert Human Intelligence Source'. But what if CHIS really stands for 'Clearly H Is Steve'? Makes you think #LineOfDuty
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) March 21, 2021
Tonight’s all about Bent Coppers#LineofDuty6 pic.twitter.com/L4p51eDO98
— The Poke (@ThePoke) March 21, 2021
When it’s 9.01pm and Top Gear is still on #LineOfDuty pic.twitter.com/y9RPqBDfF3
— JD (@Jonny_Dodds) March 21, 2021
And so starts "Do You Need A Jacket?" season.
— innocent drinks (@innocent) March 22, 2021
Just had my Astrazenica vaccination. And on the way here I stopped for a solo duck walking across a zebra crossing. Feels like a good day x
— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) March 22, 2021
Tomorrow marks one year of lockdown. Celebrate the traditional way by sending toilet paper to your friends and family and launching a failed sourdough starter into the sky.
— Dave (@davechannel) March 22, 2021
Yes. One will see you in a while and the other one will see you later. https://t.co/zHpjf5JsJL
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) March 22, 2021
A ‘staycation’ is staying at home and maybe having days outs.
Booking a cottage the other side of the country and going away to it for a week is NOT a staycation. That’s a holiday.— H (@helen_a15) March 22, 2021
🏡 STOP 🏡 GETTING 🏡 STAYCATION 🏡 WRONG. 🏡 A 🏡 STAYCATION 🏡 MEANS 🏡 STAYING 🏡 IN 🏡 YOUR 🏡 OWN 🏡 HOME. 🏡 IF 🏡 YOU 🏡 GO 🏡 AND 🏡 STAY 🏡 SOMEWHERE 🏡 ELSE 🏡 IT 🏡 IS 🏡 CALLED 🏡 A 🏡 HOLIDAY 🏡 EVEN 🏡 IF 🏡 IT 🏡 IS 🏡 IN 🏡 THE 🏡 COUNTRY 🏡 YOU 🏡 LIVE 🏡 IN 🏡
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) March 23, 2021
If you're happy and you know it wash your hands
If you're happy and you know it wash your hands
Wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your hands,
Actually regardless of how happy you are wash your hands
– Traditional 2020 Nursery Rhyme— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) March 23, 2021
In all the pieces about the pros and cons of working from home, noone seems to have noticed that introverts and extraverts are likely to have different opinions
We need flexibility, mixing working at the office with working from home, with people given some room for choice
— The Unnamed Artist (@JohnCleese) March 23, 2021
Don't read the Bible as A Manual, read it for Emmanuel.
— Church Dad Jokes (@MrChurchGuy) March 24, 2021
It's like watching a country have a mid-life crisis.
We left our partner, said we'd be better off, then our new relationship didn't work out so we lie to everyone about how great we're doing and then get a tattoo. https://t.co/rkMc5mkl4P
— Danny Wallace (@dannywallace) March 24, 2021
This is the greatest Simon McCoy clip of them all. 😂😂😂 https://t.co/wTJLsQEs1m
— Rory Haczewski (@RoryHaczewski) March 25, 2021
Another personal favourite https://t.co/cDBfIgIrCV
— Esarty (@esarty) March 25, 2021
Morning: ah Simon McCoy is leaving the BBC, what a lovely, lovely dear man, look at all the lovely, lovely things he's done, oh what a sweetheart
Afternoon: oh
— Dr Philip Lee (@drphiliplee1) March 25, 2021
That clicking noise you hear in the distance is the sound of several thousand "Good old Simon McCoy, we're really going to miss him on the Beeb" tweets from earlier this morning being hurriedly deleted. https://t.co/lXguI9iQEC
— Jonathan O'Brien (@obrien_jonathan) March 25, 2021
Jupiter’s south pole, taken by NASA's Juno space probe pic.twitter.com/cXA7JATvtL
— Space Explorer Mike (@MichaelGalanin) March 24, 2021
This is the content that you came to twitter for…. you’re welcome. pic.twitter.com/ZY5weZb8A4
— Independent Red (@IndependentRed4) March 25, 2021
If you were to replace 'Mary' with 'Jesus' in this Tweet, it would be true. That's sort of interesting, don't you think? https://t.co/x2Kf4dOnhH
— Daniel Blanche (@sgingerthoughts) March 25, 2021
If you're not even going to bother popping 'ELLEN DEGENERATES' at the start of the headline then what even is the point of having a newspaper https://t.co/6tWt2X1iPA
— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) March 24, 2021
Why would anyone be concerned about the idea of compulsory flag flying? pic.twitter.com/9YbXLqjZ0B
— Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) March 24, 2021
Bank of England to release new £50 note in June, after mistakenly assuming anyone in the UK will ever use cash again.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) March 25, 2021
Anyway… the final game on Only Connect is The Missing Vowels Round… pic.twitter.com/g5SZh82Xnb
— Dave Gorman (@DaveGorman) March 17, 2021
Today’s paper has the greatest stock photo of “busy pub” of all time. Can we take a moment to admire the punter attempting to pay with *four* credit cards: pic.twitter.com/Adsb7a7XoV
— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) March 26, 2021
Motivational tip! If a ship getting stuck in a canal can ruin the worlds trading routes then whatever mistakes you make today will be tiny in comparison.
— Dave (@davechannel) March 26, 2021
Shock as it’s revealed the Home Office spent £5,400 in Primark, as it’s mathematically impossible to spend £5,400 in Primark.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) March 26, 2021
Had a little meeting with the pastor this morning. When someone leaves the church I'm supposed to say, "We removed them from the membership roll" instead of "We dismembered them."
— Bad Church Secertary (@ChruchSecretary) March 24, 2021
I have no more passwords left in me
— P Money (@Maechez1) March 24, 2021
We've certainly taken back control of our exports. pic.twitter.com/np6Sx8fR4O
— Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) March 27, 2021
Happy #Caturdaypic.twitter.com/N2n8w5zhe1
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) March 27, 2021
WHAT THERE ISN’T MONEY FOR:
Proper pay rise for nursesWHAT THERE IS MONEY FOR:
£77k for eyebrows https://t.co/Rn7tsGs7lQ— David Schneider (@davidschneider) March 26, 2021
If your god never disagrees with you, you might just be worshiping an idealized version of yourself.
— Timothy Keller (@timkellernyc) March 27, 2021
— ︎Dean (@DeanRed123) March 24, 2021
me changing the font on my to do list pic.twitter.com/3ro3hdpUkM
— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) March 25, 2021
Pivot! pic.twitter.com/NqqxoguqRV
— Ben Harris-Roxas (@ben_hr) March 25, 2021
Pls schedule your periods appropriately girls pic.twitter.com/SuW9splPxJ
— Caitlin Spencer (@MsCaitSpencer) March 26, 2021
Thanks to this Waitrose advert for believing in me, even though I really, really really 100% can’t pic.twitter.com/fD4Zp2CEjf
— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) March 27, 2021
World's smallest violin playing here pic.twitter.com/ZzQKYzGwPp
— Brian Moore (@brianmoore666) March 27, 2021
Frank Skinner in The Telegraph. Also, me too – on the wincing that is. pic.twitter.com/Mr39wZto9h
— Susanne Courtney is staying at home. (@MrsSoose) March 27, 2021
I care not a jot about swear words but blasphemy is a no. Growing up my children were excused an occasional F bomb but ‘oh my G’ or ‘JC’ were ‘go to your room’ offences
— Kate Bottley (@revkatebottley) March 27, 2021
Someone suggested that I added Stayin' Alive to this video of a bird walking, so I did. pic.twitter.com/Fqyd0bIIjZ
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) March 27, 2021
The news I know you’ve all been waiting for: our windscreen grass has sprouted flowers! pic.twitter.com/SSzaNuImr0
— Isy Suttie 💙 (@Isysuttie) March 27, 2021
ineke.co.uk 
Anything to add...?