ineke.co.uk

What if I told you I don’t bother trying to hit a rounded up number when I fill my car with petrol? I just fill it up and whatever amount it is, so be it.

Yeah, that’s how I roll. #maverick

— Kate Bottley (@revkatebottley) March 20, 2021

My daughter is yr 6. Her school have said her class have missed out on a lot of school through Covid. They all need to 'catch up'. So next week, lessons are cancelled, its non unform, games, outdoor learning & camp fires. They're 'catching up' on making memories. Awesome.

— Heather Fowler (@always_hope83) March 19, 2021

Really getting to the crux of it now. pic.twitter.com/ytVXsOftRv

— innocent drinks (@innocent) March 20, 2021

Forgot to mute so they all heard the weeping. pic.twitter.com/3oNjTnu9Dk

— innocent drinks (@innocent) March 20, 2021

A baby armadillo playing with it's favourite toy is the kind of content I'm here for pic.twitter.com/IlPfVWuOWp

— Giles Paley-Phillips (@eliistender10) March 20, 2021

I hope we get a story about him every week in different places. I want to see a picture of him in Paris in a beret. https://t.co/soaaQ8loyf

— Michael Fry (@BigDirtyFry) March 20, 2021

A foreign holiday’s not a birth right

— Kerry Godliman (@KerryAGodliman) March 20, 2021

Just completed the census, as my contribution to the 150th series of 'Who Do You Think You Are?' in 2120.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) March 21, 2021

Two presidents. One year apart. pic.twitter.com/BJwL7QTJz9

— The Recount (@therecount) March 12, 2021

Pro of church gathered online… the ice-cream van a strange sanctus bell, and the best post service coffee treat. Spring is announced. pic.twitter.com/U49SdCk5OG

— Alice Watson (@alicelydiajoy) March 21, 2021

It's not a staycation if you're not sleeping in your own house. You're literally going away otherwise.

— @mrchrisaddison@dizl.de (@mrchrisaddison) March 21, 2021

And I thought this only happened in Disney cartoons…😍 https://t.co/Jar7IUoKv2

— Mark Hamill (@MarkHamill) March 20, 2021

So they're telling us CHIS stands for 'Covert Human Intelligence Source'. But what if CHIS really stands for 'Clearly H Is Steve'? Makes you think #LineOfDuty

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) March 21, 2021

Tonight’s all about Bent Coppers#LineofDuty6 pic.twitter.com/L4p51eDO98

— The Poke (@ThePoke) March 21, 2021

When it’s 9.01pm and Top Gear is still on #LineOfDuty pic.twitter.com/y9RPqBDfF3

— JD (@Jonny_Dodds) March 21, 2021

And so starts "Do You Need A Jacket?" season.

— innocent drinks (@innocent) March 22, 2021

Just had my Astrazenica vaccination. And on the way here I stopped for a solo duck walking across a zebra crossing. Feels like a good day x

— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) March 22, 2021

Tomorrow marks one year of lockdown. Celebrate the traditional way by sending toilet paper to your friends and family and launching a failed sourdough starter into the sky.

— Dave (@davechannel) March 22, 2021

Yes. One will see you in a while and the other one will see you later. https://t.co/zHpjf5JsJL

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) March 22, 2021

A ‘staycation’ is staying at home and maybe having days outs.
Booking a cottage the other side of the country and going away to it for a week is NOT a staycation. That’s a holiday.

— H (@helen_a15) March 22, 2021

🏡 STOP 🏡 GETTING 🏡 STAYCATION 🏡 WRONG. 🏡 A 🏡 STAYCATION 🏡 MEANS 🏡 STAYING 🏡 IN 🏡 YOUR 🏡 OWN 🏡 HOME. 🏡 IF 🏡 YOU 🏡 GO 🏡 AND 🏡 STAY 🏡 SOMEWHERE 🏡 ELSE 🏡 IT 🏡 IS 🏡 CALLED 🏡 A 🏡 HOLIDAY 🏡 EVEN 🏡 IF 🏡 IT 🏡 IS 🏡 IN 🏡 THE 🏡 COUNTRY 🏡 YOU 🏡 LIVE 🏡 IN 🏡

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) March 23, 2021

If you're happy and you know it wash your hands
If you're happy and you know it wash your hands
Wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your hands,
Actually regardless of how happy you are wash your hands
– Traditional 2020 Nursery Rhyme

— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) March 23, 2021

In all the pieces about the pros and cons of working from home, noone seems to have noticed that introverts and extraverts are likely to have different opinions

We need flexibility, mixing working at the office with working from home, with people given some room for choice

— John Cleese (@JohnCleese) March 23, 2021

Don't read the Bible as A Manual, read it for Emmanuel.

— Anon Church Guy (@MrChurchGuy) March 24, 2021

It's like watching a country have a mid-life crisis.

We left our partner, said we'd be better off, then our new relationship didn't work out so we lie to everyone about how great we're doing and then get a tattoo. https://t.co/rkMc5mkl4P

— Danny Wallace (@dannywallace) March 24, 2021

Another personal favourite https://t.co/cDBfIgIrCV

— Esarty (@esarty) March 25, 2021

Morning: ah Simon McCoy is leaving the BBC, what a lovely, lovely dear man, look at all the lovely, lovely things he's done, oh what a sweetheart

Afternoon: oh

— Dr Philip Lee (@drphiliplee1) March 25, 2021

That clicking noise you hear in the distance is the sound of several thousand "Good old Simon McCoy, we're really going to miss him on the Beeb" tweets from earlier this morning being hurriedly deleted. https://t.co/lXguI9iQEC

— Jonathan O'Brien (@obrien_jonathan) March 25, 2021

Jupiter’s south pole, taken by NASA's Juno space probe pic.twitter.com/cXA7JATvtL

— Space Explorer Mike 🇺🇦 (@MichaelGalanin) March 24, 2021

If you were to replace 'Mary' with 'Jesus' in this Tweet, it would be true. That's sort of interesting, don't you think? https://t.co/x2Kf4dOnhH

— Daniel Blanche (@sgingerthoughts) March 25, 2021

If you're not even going to bother popping 'ELLEN DEGENERATES' at the start of the headline then what even is the point of having a newspaper https://t.co/6tWt2X1iPA

— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) March 24, 2021

Bank of England to release new £50 note in June, after mistakenly assuming anyone in the UK will ever use cash again.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) March 25, 2021

Anyway… the final game on Only Connect is The Missing Vowels Round… pic.twitter.com/g5SZh82Xnb

— Dave Gorman (@DaveGorman) March 17, 2021

Today’s paper has the greatest stock photo of “busy pub” of all time. Can we take a moment to admire the punter attempting to pay with *four* credit cards: pic.twitter.com/Adsb7a7XoV

— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) March 26, 2021

Motivational tip! If a ship getting stuck in a canal can ruin the worlds trading routes then whatever mistakes you make today will be tiny in comparison.

— Dave (@davechannel) March 26, 2021

Shock as it’s revealed the Home Office spent £5,400 in Primark, as it’s mathematically impossible to spend £5,400 in Primark.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) March 26, 2021

Had a little meeting with the pastor this morning. When someone leaves the church I'm supposed to say, "We removed them from the membership roll" instead of "We dismembered them."

— Bad Church Secertary (@ChruchSecretary) March 24, 2021

I have no more passwords left in me

— P Money (@Maechez1) March 24, 2021

Happy #Caturdayhttps://t.co/N2n8w5zhe1

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) March 27, 2021

WHAT THERE ISN’T MONEY FOR:
Proper pay rise for nurses

WHAT THERE IS MONEY FOR:
£77k for eyebrows https://t.co/Rn7tsGs7lQ

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) March 26, 2021

If your god never disagrees with you, you might just be worshiping an idealized version of yourself.

— Timothy Keller (1950-2023) (@timkellernyc) March 27, 2021

pic.twitter.com/Yi909hABja

— dean (@DeanRed123) March 24, 2021

me changing the font on my to do list pic.twitter.com/3ro3hdpUkM

— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) March 25, 2021

Pls schedule your periods appropriately girls pic.twitter.com/SuW9splPxJ

— Caitlin Spencer (@MsCaitSpencer) March 26, 2021

Thanks to this Waitrose advert for believing in me, even though I really, really really 100% can’t pic.twitter.com/fD4Zp2CEjf

— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) March 27, 2021

World's smallest violin playing here pic.twitter.com/ZzQKYzGwPp

— Brian Moore (@brianmoore666) March 27, 2021

Frank Skinner in The Telegraph. Also, me too – on the wincing that is. pic.twitter.com/Mr39wZto9h

— Susanne Courtney (@MrsSoose) March 27, 2021

I care not a jot about swear words but blasphemy is a no. Growing up my children were excused an occasional F bomb but ‘oh my G’ or ‘JC’ were ‘go to your room’ offences

— Kate Bottley (@revkatebottley) March 27, 2021

Someone suggested that I added Stayin' Alive to this video of a bird walking, so I did. pic.twitter.com/Fqyd0bIIjZ

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) March 27, 2021

The news I know you’ve all been waiting for: our windscreen grass has sprouted flowers! pic.twitter.com/SSzaNuImr0

— Isy Suttie (@Isysuttie) March 27, 2021