People who made big mistakes.
I AM AT MY DESK IN THE OFFICE.
— Julia Kite-Laidlaw (@juliakite) May 7, 2021
And so is my Coke bottle from March 12, 2020. pic.twitter.com/rJUns8i0hv
I must say I really didn’t know keeping goats was going to be quite so much fun! 🐐🐐🐐 pic.twitter.com/3MUQTc7Eyy
— Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall (@HughFW) May 9, 2021
Today a first grader told me that she doesn't need to learn what I'm teaching because she wants to be a pineapple when she grows up.
— Caitlin 🚗 🧀 Driscoll (@TeacherOnTopic) May 7, 2021
— Minnie Stephenson (@MinnieStephC4) May 9, 2021
You only need to put one space after a full stop and I will die on this hill.
— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) May 10, 2021
Mental how Southampton went from this to 17th… https://t.co/VEkMcmuJdL
— Hammers_central (@CentralHammers) May 10, 2021
It's fun, free and completely legal to do! Fill your facemask with jelly babies and sit on a park bench whilst eating them slowly and maintain eye contact with the ducks.
— Dave (@davechannel) May 10, 2021
Places you can "pop"
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) May 10, 2021
1. To the shops
2. To the loo
3. Next door (ah, memories!)
4. Out to get some petrol
5. Down the Post Office
6. To the cash point
7. Upstairs
8. Along (but you only “might” pop along, meaning you won’t)
with all 3 PL teams relegated, Southampton are now guaranteed a chance to equal the record of three top-flight defeats by 9+ goals in the space of three seasons, currently held by Darwen between 1891-92 and 1893-94
— Duncan Alexander (@oilysailor) May 10, 2021
i honestly refuse to believe that Gwyneth Paltrow is a real person https://t.co/ZaudkEBs1u
— Luke (@qLxke_) May 10, 2021
I’m not sure what’s worse – the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow is so out of touch with…everything and everyone on earth, or that someone cared enough to report on how out of touch she is with…everything and everyone on earth. https://t.co/gxVwLY5qHt
— Esther C. (Radio Barbie) (@EstherCinDC) May 10, 2021
EXCITING RECYCLING INFRASTRUCTURE PROGRESS ALERT
— innocent drinks (@innocent) May 11, 2021
We are THRILLED to see plans for Scotland’s deposit return scheme taking shape. It’ll make it even easier for our bottles to be recycled. And re-recycled. And re-re-re-re-re-re-re…well you get the idea. https://t.co/l8orRJ5VWp pic.twitter.com/vPIG5qseE7
How to greet people next week:
— Dave (@davechannel) May 11, 2021
Hug – Only if you know them well, don't make it anymore awkward than it needs to be
Handshake – Unless you are business man or their father in law no
Fist bump – Only if you do an exploding hand afterwards
Finger guns – Why are you like this
“Why is this written in crayon?”#QueensSpeech pic.twitter.com/mHn6Zxledm
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) May 11, 2021
Would you like see the Vicarage dogs frolicking in fallen cherry blossom on a sunny afternoon in spring? pic.twitter.com/OuM6RsGYFD
— Richard Coles (@RevRichardColes) May 11, 2021
Who reckons the next step involves releasing 1,000 dogs? https://t.co/DyKeuwLm9h
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) May 11, 2021
Tesco delivery driver arrives.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) May 10, 2021
I put my barking dog in another room.
Him: What dog is it?
Me: A chocolate lab.
Him: Will she run out the front door?
Me: No. She’ll just get in the way.
Him: I don’t mind her being in the way.
Me: Would you like to see the dog?
Him: Yes please.
Out of all the amazing replies in response to my tweet, I think the follow up tweet to this wonderful photo made me laugh the most. pic.twitter.com/JfJq1vd3Uv
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) May 11, 2021
Pre-lockdown “normality” is now a distant memory that seems unfamiliar and scary, like smoking in restaurants.
— Jay Foreman (@jayforeman) May 12, 2021
When Twitter is brilliant… pic.twitter.com/8G9y2HJrcr
— Jake Humphrey (@mrjakehumphrey) May 12, 2021
The average email account is 1% actual emails that are important, 50% newsletters you have no memory of signing up for, 30% receipts from pubs and 19% offers on something you bought at full price 2 days ago.
— Dave (@davechannel) May 12, 2021
It’s his grace that keeps you in the faith, not your faith that keeps you in his grace.
— Matt Smethurst (@MattSmethurst) May 13, 2021
That’s spectacular news.
The Twitter Force – to tell-off the joke-teller – is strong in this one. pic.twitter.com/2aOPJw5cu9
— David Baddiel (@Baddiel) May 13, 2021
My “just woken up from a nap and it’s raining” face.
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) May 13, 2021
(Photo @PoliticalPics) pic.twitter.com/UlGer14Qwi
Wish I had @Sarah_Kendall as my personal hype-woman #Taskmaster pic.twitter.com/mObVvaaXQk
— Taskmaster (@taskmaster) May 13, 2021
A friendly reminder:
— Microsoft Teams (@MicrosoftTeams) May 14, 2021
1. That email can wait until Monday.
2. There is no “work” in “weekend.”
3. “Do not disturb” was invented for a reason.
More children appearing on Zoom please politicians.pic.twitter.com/4XHuROVkfy
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) May 14, 2021
There is, not far from Clapham South station, a thing I've seen nowhere else. It's this. (1/6) pic.twitter.com/kw6oB2H2hD
— Jason Hazeley (@JasonHazeley) May 14, 2021
ineke.co.uk 
Anything to add...?