Excellent legal fails.
Dad wanted to buy fish and chips last night. We let him and he gave me his card to pay for them delivered.
— Gareth Jones (@GarethIG1) June 5, 2021
He’s now trying to access therapy as he’s realised 4 rounds of fish, chips and mushy peas cost him £54.
Welcome to London, Yorkshireman. 😂 pic.twitter.com/vTPGLJvY16
I've dealt with lost phones, handbags and glasses over the years but this is definitely a first!
— ScotRail (@ScotRail) June 5, 2021
If you've lost your monkey… it's waiting on the next service from Cambuslang into the town. 🙈^Megan https://t.co/tQ3W9Vi5D0
Football coverage on S4C is mesmerising because, despite knowing about one word in every 40, they talk in the most textbook footballing cadence and tone that you actually end up understanding absolutely everything
— Adam Hurrey (@FootballCliches) June 5, 2021
Imagine if they took the money they put into the Olympics and simply gave it to Taskmaster
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) June 4, 2021
After many years now of losing TV Choice Awards, Broadcast Awards, National TV Awards and RTS Awards, I am thrilled today to final have to chance to lose a BAFTA. #HouseOfGames
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) June 6, 2021
This is still my spirit animal. pic.twitter.com/V8sSz7nVHb
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 6, 2021
people talking like this is Kafka thing is Dawkins first foray into literary criticism as if this never happened pic.twitter.com/7wuhMMP2q5
— Byron C Clark 🍠 (@byroncclark) June 6, 2021
What are you meant to do if you’re not famous enough for Celeb Gogglebox but also can’t get on the real show? Just watch tv without anyone listening to your opinions!?
— Mark Watson, again! (@watsoncomedian) June 6, 2021
"We have to cut back on foreign aid to look after our own" say Tories who won't give nurses a real-term pay rise, feed hungry kids in the UK or pay for them to catch up on their education.
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 7, 2021
I'm having my say about the Royal baby on #GBNews this afternoon. It's in rehearsal. So I'm afraid you won't see it. But it's good.
— Simon McCoy (@SimonMcCoyTV) June 7, 2021
Most windows are transparent.
— Underwhelming Facts (@QuiteWhelming) June 7, 2021
Fibonacci's favourite song lyrics. "You're once, once,, twice, three times a lady"
— Paul Sinha (@paulsinha) June 7, 2021
Has anyone tried turning the entire internet off and then on again?
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 8, 2021
Aid to Yemen – cut by 46%
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 8, 2021
To Syria – cut by 56%
To counteract polio – cut by 95%
For girls' education – cut by 40%
For sexual health & education – cut by 85%
For clean water – cut by 80%
But at least we can afford a £200m yacht and billions on contracts for government pals.
The internet is broken. People look up from their computers. The sky is blue and the sun is bright. It's awful. Everyone clicks refresh.
— Dave (@davechannel) June 8, 2021
It’s not until you successfully grow mint in your garden that you truly understand how little mint you actually need.
— Jamie East (@jamieeast) June 8, 2021
Happy @CrapBroadband Day!!! https://t.co/Ko4MWb4Vho
— Joe Lycett (@joelycett) June 8, 2021
Definitely not as catchy as the original lyrics by The Human League. https://t.co/ITdA3bg0tw
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 8, 2021
With the internet down people flock to twitter for their news, which is the equivalent of looking in the fridge for food and not finding any so having to search the bin instead.
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) June 8, 2021
We now go live to England's cricketers deleting their old tweets. pic.twitter.com/FS01qCJ8aU
— The Poke (@ThePoke) June 8, 2021
I’ve held my tongue on this for long enough.
— Steve Doherty 💙 (@SteveDoherty1) June 9, 2021
STOP SAYING STAYCATION WHEN YOU MEAN HOLIDAY.
UK Government: “you can’t (easily) go on holiday abroad this year. May we suggest a nice trip to Primark Birmingham instead?” 😂 pic.twitter.com/Ca63cZmZf2
— Gerwyn (@gerwyn) June 8, 2021
Sam being able to carry Frodo and not be effected by the ring means the ring doesn’t understand transitive properties so they could have just taped the ring to a mouse and then carried the mouse with no ill effects. Whole thing would have taken 20 minutes.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) June 8, 2021
The thing wrong with University students isn't what the Mail thinks it is. pic.twitter.com/mIEAcY7ASB
— Jo Maugham (@JolyonMaugham) June 9, 2021
If the weird conspiracy guys are right and the vaccine causes metal objects to stick to your skin, it could be a huge advantage in Taskmaster for ‘without using your hands’ moments.
— Mark Watson, again! (@watsoncomedian) June 9, 2021
Once a month, I (Dr. Pepper) am in the same clinic area as a Dr. Salt.
— Ruth Pepper (@RealDr_Pepper) June 9, 2021
Makes my day every time.
Hey kids, if you don't have a private tutor, the prime minister says it's because your parents don't work hard enough. https://t.co/gI7om9aK0u
— Adam Kay (@amateuradam) June 9, 2021
Boris Johnson wishes Scotland and England well in the Euros "and any other home nations that may be competing". Think the word he was looking for is "Wales"
— Paul Kelso (@pkelso) June 9, 2021
Turns out those 25-29 year olds are pretty keen on the jabs. pic.twitter.com/kEWMFxLvEF
— Simple Politics (@easypoliticsUK) June 9, 2021
Just found a penguin skeleton in the road. RIP little fella. pic.twitter.com/7Q2WAyhyEV
— No Context Brits (@NoContextBrits) June 9, 2021
— Ali Plumb (@AliPlumb) June 9, 2021
"Better, fairer and greener." After flying from London to Cornwall… https://t.co/dtiKJNsOZv
— Kate Wharton (@KateWharton27) June 9, 2021
Today:
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 9, 2021
▪️Govt broke the law on contracts
▪️They want to break their “oven ready” Brexit deal
▪️They’re threatening to break international law
▪️It’s revealed Matt Hancock knew re care homes risk in March 2020
▪️PM took jet to talk about climate crisis
And the day isn’t over yet
I hope @joebiden is being shown round by @Dawn_French because that would be proper.
— Emma Kennedy💙 (@EmmaKennedy) June 9, 2021
Nothing quite as British as having two weeks of full sunshine, and the one time there is an eclipse and we actually want to be able to see the Sun, it's cloudy.
— Dave (@davechannel) June 10, 2021
Notifications are blowing up.
— Bonnie Tyler (@BonnieTOfficial) June 10, 2021
*checks news*
Ah. There's an eclipse
Baby shoes never worn isn’t that sad a story. Babies can’t walk, and heaps of parents buy too much cute baby gear before they realise all they need is zip up onesies with built in feet. It’s an implied tragedy of capitalist overconsumption.
— Alice R Fraser (@aliterative) June 10, 2021
“We didn’t go further with self-isolation payments in case people gamed the system for their friends” says man who gamed the system for his friends, donors, sister, the man who ran the local pub etc etc pic.twitter.com/bRwAU6en1r
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 10, 2021
Matt Hancock told about 20 lies today. Or 100 if you count them the same way he counts items of PPE equipment.
— Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) June 10, 2021
Going to tell my grandchildren that this was ABBA. pic.twitter.com/MDCgEQzV1T
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 10, 2021
It's a shame they have to fly people from all over the world to Cornwall to talk about climate change. If only there was some sort of video conference software they could use, but I guess nobody's doing that sort of thing these days.
— cluedont (@cluedont) June 11, 2021
I gave my seat on the tube up for a guy in his forties, just to mess with his head.
— Shaparak Khorsandi (@ShappiKhorsandi) June 11, 2021
— Adam Bienkov (@AdamBienkov) June 10, 2021
Is there a sort of ‘schoolboy meets kindly headmaster’ vibe to this pic? Interesting choice to tweet. https://t.co/dgYSrX9HO9
— Krishnan Guru-Murthy (@krishgm) June 10, 2021
"No, look the big blue bit is called the sea, not splashy land" pic.twitter.com/4Kd6wZtQNL
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) June 11, 2021
“You just leave your clothes on the beach and start a new life. My lips are sealed.” pic.twitter.com/uZQcpgZYC9
— Mr Roger Quimbly (@RogerQuimbly) June 10, 2021
Hoping this means it now dispenses wine instead. pic.twitter.com/bSyNRZ7KK3
— Fergus Butler-Gallie (@_F_B_G_) June 11, 2021
Do you have faith like a mustard bottle?
— Church Dad Jokes (@MrChurchGuy) June 11, 2021
Left in the fridge at church and unused for years.
Late into first lockdown
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 11, 2021
Late into second lockdown
Late into third lockdown
Late to put India on the red list
Over a year late to even half secure secure borders
But they “did everything they could” https://t.co/EaVqClZKnV
AMA AL FUTBOL?!? pic.twitter.com/b2vtoenHFs
— Carl Anka (@Ankaman616) June 11, 2021
Worst ornamental chess board ever. pic.twitter.com/IeU1BCOhlE
— David Baddiel (@Baddiel) June 11, 2021
Exactly right. We followed the rules. Our children suffered. And Johnson and his government have now wasted it all. In a vain grab for some political lipstick. https://t.co/Y8OYXNasQJ
— Hugh Grant (@HackedOffHugh) June 12, 2021
— cyriak harris (@cyriakharris) June 12, 2021
if a judge tried to give me the death penalty I’d have to think about it before a polite no https://t.co/fuJKhLhzbe
— Sorcha Ní Nia (@Luiseach) June 12, 2021
Happy #Caturdaypic.twitter.com/W6LD8dKjRE
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) June 12, 2021
— jeremy marshall (@jeremysmarshall) June 11, 2021
Just to be clear; I’ve spent two lockdowns in a 1 bedroom flat in central London with my husband working as an ICU consultant, 2 pre-schoolers, and running @EveryDoctorUK. If anyone wants this pandemic to end, it’s me. But cases are rising and lockdown release isn’t safe.
— Dr Julia Grace Patterson💙 (@JujuliaGrace) June 11, 2021
He’s even produced his own variant this time! 👏#JohnsonVariant pic.twitter.com/PIh6No1ufK
— Jason Grist (@ReggieRonson) June 12, 2021
Same energy. pic.twitter.com/IxoYNT7ysf
— Otto English (@Otto_English) June 12, 2021
#FIN fans: “CHRISTIAN”#DEN fans: “ERIKSEN”
— Jason Keen (@Jason_Keen) June 12, 2021
❤️ pic.twitter.com/HKvhkoctGV
Don’t want to alarm anybody but the man charged with keeping everyone not dead is currently walking around Westminster practicing blending in with zombies pic.twitter.com/P3UkBtQUS2
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 7, 2021
Ah, Matt Hancock’s odd walk makes more sense when you see the original photo. pic.twitter.com/1yclVgm6Wt
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 7, 2021
man said "i will *bravely* risk YOUR lives, you're welcome huns! ❤" https://t.co/14YHoPUCPo
— tobes (@tobikyere) June 8, 2021
Was imagining the barricades going up on Shaftesbury Avenue and Andrew Lloyd Webber leading a rousing chorus of “Do you hear the people sing” and then I remembered that’s the one musical he didn’t write. pic.twitter.com/4hgx3JfTCs
— Daniel Sugarman (@Daniel_Sugarman) June 9, 2021
Today @matthancock will attempt to persuade the Commons that he's behaved impeccably throughout this pandemic – and that Cummings’ accusations of serial lying are, themselves, a lie.
— Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) June 10, 2021
But the fact is, @matthancock *has* lied during the pandemic – and I can prove it. (1/16)
An interview with Sven Goran-Eriksson on @SkyNews keeps getting interrupted with a picture of Lempit Opik trying to ring him and I am COMPLETELY LOSING IT pic.twitter.com/XNdcq6IFmK
— Scott Bryan (@scottygb) June 8, 2021
Anything to add...?