ineke.co.uk

BREAKING: Due to the fuel shortage, Chris Rea has just started walking home for Christmas.

— Rob Francis (@robfrancis) October 2, 2021

I'm a late convert to #Strictly. But the last few years it has felt like a real and necessary pick-me-up in darker times.

— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) October 2, 2021

This is wild https://t.co/p6puRIeIlp

— Josh Gad (@joshgad) October 2, 2021

Mate. You're getting on the wrong train. Those don't go up that side of the country. https://t.co/FiDahRCHd8

— @mrchrisaddison@dizl.de (@mrchrisaddison) October 2, 2021

Well, it’s great to know what our Prime Minister’s priorities. https://t.co/o7MYfFmjp3

— Jay Rayner (@jayrayner1) October 2, 2021

One of my favourites – https://t.co/A3QmGZe47j

— chris o'dowd (@BigBoyler) October 2, 2021

Oh god, I’ve become a grownup. https://t.co/75MLBdqoSE

— Tom Fletcher (@TomFletcher) October 2, 2021

I had no idea these things existed?! https://t.co/SFyFlEWXdm

— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) October 2, 2021

Walking into my hotel last night in Manchester, there was a group of 15 or so men stood blocking the entrance, smoking, laughing, being generally raucous. It’s always like this on a football weekend. I had to walk through that crowd of blokes to get to the reception desk

— Kate Bottley (@revkatebottley) October 3, 2021

When you ask what you can do my brothers, think, observe and notice and then move out of the way, make the space feel safer

— Kate Bottley (@revkatebottley) October 3, 2021

Maybe you’re all fine upstanding citizens, good husbands and wonderful fathers (maybe you’re not) but you can be an ally in situations like this and put yourself in her shoes, you know?

— Kate Bottley (@revkatebottley) October 3, 2021

I’m sat in a London pub wearing running gear and a tinfoil cape while strangers buy me beer. Works every year. 😉🍻

— Ian Power (@IHPower) October 3, 2021

I’m in America and it’s very interesting how news about the UK is reported without the bias of British newspapers or the nervousness of the BBC. Britain’s petrol crisis is a direct consequence of Brexit – this is just an accepted fact everywhere (except where it’s happening).

— John O'Farrell (@mrjohnofarrell) October 3, 2021

Amazing feeling to have run the Marathon. THANK YOU for your support. (Not today; three years ago. And not even London. But I just felt left out of all the celebrating.)

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) October 3, 2021

But… it’s the last word. Does he mean he ignored the full stop? pic.twitter.com/ddD4AygTQC

— 🥃Donald Clarke📽️ (@DonaldClarke63) October 3, 2021

It's blindingly simple really; freedom of movement works; Brexit doesn't. Now all we need is a political leader with the guts to say it.

— Simon Schama (@simon_schama) October 3, 2021

No, he didn’t have a 14 year old girlfriend when he was 23. He was an adult that abused a child.

The language used is a disgrace. https://t.co/gHeESDVDzp

— S A M M Y woodhouse (@sammywoodhouse1) October 3, 2021

Colin would be so proud. Fastest marathon in a six-person costume 🐛 04:34:52

Benjamin Taylor, Edward Holderness, Oli Tipping, Guy Dixon, Charlie Mason#LondonMarathon pic.twitter.com/gxpITcLJBH

— Guinness World Records (@GWR) October 3, 2021

The answer is yes when we ask the question: 'Is this the goodest boy?' pic.twitter.com/eOURGkUYrg

— Guinness World Records (@GWR) October 3, 2021

Literally a world record. Fastest marathon dressed as an astronomical body (male) 🌍 03:30:36 by Charlie Osmond #LondonMarathon pic.twitter.com/aDPSt97km7

— Guinness World Records (@GWR) October 3, 2021

CAN WE STOP CONGRATULATING PEOPLE ON COMPLETING MARATHONS? IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. I'VE COMPLETED HUNDREDS OF MARATHONS IN MY LIFE. AND CAN WE STOP CALLING THEM MARATHONS? THEY'RE CALLED SNICKERS!

— Rosie Jones (@josierones) October 3, 2021

*Practice https://t.co/nU64wWHTdx

— Elizabeth Day (@elizabday) October 3, 2021

2016: Sunlit uplands! No downsides to Brexit!

2021: the fuel crisis, empty shelves, broken supply chains, extra red tape, unpicked fruit & veg rotting, fish rotting on docks, mass livestock cull, companies closing, & investment flowing out of the country is all part of the plan

— Toby Earle 🇺🇦 Threads tobyontv (@TobyonTV) October 3, 2021

🇩🇪How others see us🇩🇪

Cartoon for German national day, 3 Oct, marking unification of East & West Germany, 1990:

Travel agent to customers:

“For the Day of Unity we recommend trips to empty British supermarkets, so that you can get that feeling of being in East Germany again”. pic.twitter.com/u6EuCLz5o2

— Andrew Levi (@AndrewPRLevi) October 4, 2021

Getting a bit worrying now. People haven’t been able to wish their colleague’s partner happy birthday in over an hour. Everyone’s notifications are flooded with friend requests from Duolingo. The rest of us are trying to figure out if Google+ still exists.

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 4, 2021

To all the people (and our mum) who said social media never achieves anything.

We asked for a scalextric made with a twix so we could call it a scalextwix. And what did we get?

Pure, unadulterated joy. That's what. https://t.co/JsuDiERB4q

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 4, 2021

Hi and happy Monday 😵‍💫

— Instagram (@instagram) October 4, 2021

Channels still down. Frightened social media managers run out into the street screaming ‘hashtag content’ at passers-by. Influencers desperately broadcast their skincare routines over walkie talkie. Adults log into Tik Tok for the first time and begin twerking, crying softly.

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 4, 2021

Everyone on WhatsApp, Facebook and Instagram coming to Twitter to find out if Whatsapp, Facebook and Instagram are down. pic.twitter.com/hMhsPAn2rh

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) October 4, 2021

Don't worry guys, I've just checked Myspace and Bebo and they're still up and running.

— Rosie Jones (@josierones) October 4, 2021

The main problem with Instagram being down is that it’s become a lot more difficult to find out how our friends dogs are doing today.

— Dave (@davechannel) October 4, 2021

BREAKING: I’ve tracked down the guy responsible for the Facebook and Instagram outage. pic.twitter.com/1cBYTwrmsI

— Phil Knox (@philknox) October 4, 2021

A map of every European City pic.twitter.com/8OW4L55oGR

— Terrible Maps (@TerribleMaps) October 4, 2021

I work as a hospital domestic and will absolutely struggle to get by when my UC is cut this month. According to Rishi Sunak I should just retrain and get a better paid job. I'd like to see how long hospitals stay open if all the "unskilled" workers like me were to do this 🙄

— Sir Joanna Le Grys of Fuckborough (@JoJoLeGrys) October 4, 2021

My teenage daughter posted on Instagram that her mom would talk to any of her friends that can’t talk to their own moms and I just finished a 45-minute text conversation with one of them. What a holy privilege.

— Sarah L Sanderson (@S_L_Sanderson) October 4, 2021

The #BigChocoSale is here! But not as you think.. read on to learn more about how the chocolate industry has hit new lows in 2021 and find out how you can help.#Ethical #Chocolate pic.twitter.com/Ul3IhUTwi0

— Tony's Chocolonely UK & IRE (@TonysChocoUK_IE) October 4, 2021

This is what relief looks like

No, I can’t explain myself except that it seemed like a good idea at the time and I planned to call him Keith

I can only apologise pic.twitter.com/12Kx9xHKYf

— Kate Bottley (@revkatebottley) October 4, 2021

Sorry, I had the caps lock on https://t.co/cfSdq1jp3Z

— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) October 4, 2021

Just in case social media is destroyed forever, I just want to sign off by saying that I was right about about sweetcorn. It’s disgusting.

— James Melville 🚜 (@JamesMelville) October 4, 2021

Someone just suggested that because WhatsApp is down we could just ring people we want to get in touch with instead. pic.twitter.com/mm2otJNYNP

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) October 4, 2021

hold on a fucking minute pic.twitter.com/v47KUS08U5

— Rob (@thegallowboob) September 30, 2021

An unworthy thought, but I so hope it’s a disgruntled employee #facebookdown

— Richard Coles (@RevRichardColes) October 4, 2021

Jesus is high-fiving the Father right now. https://t.co/dKmxemRFiv

— Martin Saunders (@martinsaunders) October 5, 2021

If the showstopper is "make an Italian flag out of bread" then the other bakers might start to get a bit suspicious. #GBBO

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 5, 2021

Yep. ‘Social media is terrible guys, enjoyed that malfunction!’ is a cop-out, especially if you’re saying it *on* social media. It is up to us to use the tools well. They won’t disappear. https://t.co/BpbV2cHOrT

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) October 5, 2021

'We've made a few changes to the site to make it easier to use' strikes the same tone as if the Tesco manager met you at the door and said 'we've moved absolutely everything to a different aisle, to help you'.

— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) October 5, 2021

The obvious question that any UK citizen should ask is “Which rights do this government want to take away from me?” https://t.co/f35tbOJhBa

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) October 5, 2021

SO SAY WE ALL! #GBBO pic.twitter.com/QI9YEbQgP9

— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) October 5, 2021

Pros of going back to the office:
– Nice to be out I guess
– Get to see people

Cons of going back to the office
– Have to see people
– Graham from accounts
– That coffee machine that doesn't really work
– Graham again

— Dave (@davechannel) October 5, 2021

My flirting technique? Logging in and out of MSN messenger every 8 seconds until my crush says hi 💖

— Laura (@fairycakes) October 5, 2021

I'm sure I'm not the first to spot it but on Monday evening 'Only Connect' was Britain's most watched TV programme in its timeslot. @VictoriaCoren and chums even beat Eastenders. This is almost more exciting than the third place play-off.

— David Sillito BBC (@DavidSillitoBBC) October 6, 2021

Bravo @davewalker pic.twitter.com/zVddxonAU9

— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) October 8, 2021

The sad thing is that I’m not surprised at the ableist abuse I’ve received tonight regarding my appearance on Question Time. It’s indicative of the country we live in right now. I will keep on speaking up, in my wonderful voice, for what I believe in.

— Rosie Jones (@josierones) October 8, 2021

I love @Channel4 and all it stands for ❤️ https://t.co/hcX5ljkU2l

— Rosie Jones (@josierones) October 8, 2021

Liesl has promised me 1000 words by teatime. pic.twitter.com/4Sq3TsraAX

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) October 8, 2021

Ok, so, @FryRsquared started this in our video yesterday and @Sheena2907 tweeted fuel on the flames. Help us settle: which is the best trigonometric function?

— Matt Parker (@standupmaths) October 8, 2021

To do: Sort out everything
Scheduled for: Another day
Status: Tentative

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) October 8, 2021

Oh this is fabulous.
Jesus said 'I am the bus replacement of life…you'll get there in the end but it won't necessarily be where you thought you were going or when you thought you'd get there but the journey will be a blast.' https://t.co/B4jTpkjoSz

— Paula Gooder (@paulargooder) October 8, 2021

This could only be worse if the hyphen was a comma, but that's it. pic.twitter.com/xNqWPczJFm

— cluedont (@cluedont) October 8, 2021

2016: Brexit will improve your lives

2018: Project fear

2021: The following food shortages are actually good- pic.twitter.com/6wlMY0CrL8

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 8, 2021

I don’t think Timpsons get enough credit in the real world. See a lot of this stuff on Twitter, but not elsewhere. Very few companies do as much good as them https://t.co/g6O78wrTWe

— Richard (@gamray) October 8, 2021

Tomato Europe vs potato Europe pic.twitter.com/Y90dINe19j

— Terrible Maps (@TerribleMaps) October 8, 2021

I literally just found out that 4OD has been called All4 for several years.

— Rebecca Reid (@RebeccaCNReid) October 6, 2021

Nothing like a bread-themed song to ease you into the weekend! #GBBO #FridayFeeling @realmattlucas @noelfielding11 pic.twitter.com/KVBibkN2Hw

— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) October 8, 2021

my daughter asked why she can’t just quit school and i told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail and my sweet sweet child looked me in the eye and said “i’ll visit you”

— ceciATL (@ceciATL) January 28, 2021

6-year-old: Do dragons fart fire?

Me: I don't know.

6: I thought you went to college.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 6, 2019

*Opens bottle of bleach*
Nephew : How did you open it? I tried but it didn't open.
Me : Oh it's coz it has a child safety lock. Children can't open it.
*nephew looks at bottle in amazement*
Nephew : How did it know I was a child?

🤣🤣🤣

— Julz (@azedi) November 27, 2018

3: Mommy, I don’t want dinner!!

Me: I’m not making dinner, I’m making you a big snack

3: Yay! Snacks!

𝗙𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝗺𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗸𝗶𝗱𝘀

— kids_kubed 🇨🇦 (@Kids_kubed) October 1, 2020

Toddler: Daddy I want toast.

Me: ok, buddy. Here’s some toast.

Toddler: I don’t like butter on my toast

Me: (flips toast over to the dry side and hands it back) There ya go.

Toddler: Thanks Daddy!

Toddlers are dumb. Take advantage of it while you can.#Dadlife

— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) January 23, 2019

I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed "yay! TWO christmases!" from the other room.

— JennyPentland, GED (@JennyPentland) May 6, 2017

“Dad isn’t it weird that the word chicken can mean an animal or a type of food?”

– my kid, on the verge of making a horrific realization

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 29, 2021

Me: How did you do in cross country today?
Child: I came last!
Me: Oh well… You tried at least!
Him: I wasn't going to come last, but Peter was last and seemed really sad so I went back and walked with him.

😭 My heart 😭

— Jessica (@DzessikaJessica) October 8, 2021