[I’ve been away! I’ve tried to thin this out a bit so it’s not three times as long as usual… but I promise nothing.
Yea it’s long. Sorry!]
Eggs and Flour to leave the Bake Off
Why do we only compliment weight loss?
Iceland the country might sue Iceland the shop
Window is from a Viking word for 'wind's eye'. Before that it was an 'eye-thirl', eye-hole (a nose-thirl was a nose-hole, hence nostril).
— Susie Dent (@susie_dent) October 1, 2016
There should be a Chrome extension that replaces any celebrity news with scientific facts https://t.co/UJflpB3CsU
— Shower Thoughts (@shwr_thoughts) September 30, 2016
"Be back in ____ minutes" signs are pretty damn useless unless you tell us when you leave https://t.co/WtF2Z1m706
— Shower Thoughts (@shwr_thoughts) September 30, 2016
I can't face another referendum pic.twitter.com/mKAih0yEfN
— Joe Thomas (@producerjoe) September 29, 2016
'Tube chat'? What fresh hell is this? Only drunks, lunatics and Americans talk on the Tube. Resentful silence is the proper way #tube_chat pic.twitter.com/NduKnty3AK
— Boris Starling (@vodkaboris) September 29, 2016
I like to use @richardosman's term for the lingering state between sleep and wakefulness: buffering. I've been buffering for an hour.
— Susie Dent (@susie_dent) September 29, 2016
En nuestro número de octubre: pic.twitter.com/xhMFnU9ttR
— Letras Libres (@Letras_Libres) September 28, 2016
Seems safe. pic.twitter.com/vtY7IFDbUB
— The Darwin Awards (@AwardsDarwin) October 4, 2016
Wondering if it's possible ever to call a service company without being told that the company is 'experiencing a high volume of calls"?
— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) October 4, 2016
You reach into your wallet for the photo you carry of Mel, Sue, Paul and Mary. But they're disappearing. There isn't much time. #GBBO pic.twitter.com/BHL4QiFXIg
— innocent drinks (@innocent) September 21, 2016
Paul Hollywood sits in a tent with life-sized bread copies of Mel, Sue and Mary. "Can't wait for series 8," he says. They don't answer #GBBO
— innocent drinks (@innocent) September 22, 2016
FUNFACT
is German for 'five act'.
I imagine.
— Dave Gorman (@DaveGorman) September 23, 2016
Channel 4 should spend a few quid on making their player not screw up after every advert break.
— jc (@jjjjoooonnnn) September 23, 2016
Word of the day: prozvonit (Czech) – to call someone’s mobile so that they have your phone number
— The QI Elves (@qikipedia) September 25, 2016
"Shall I just order a bit of everything and we can all share?"
No
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) September 25, 2016
Things Monday would do:
– add milk first
– talk in a lift
– eat the last biscuit
– pop round unannounced
– sit in your reserved seat— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) September 25, 2016
Hillary Clinton belongs in the White House. Donald Trump belongs on my show.
— Jerry Springer (@jerryspringer) September 27, 2016
One day, Donald Trump is going to look a reporter straight in the eyes on national TV and say "I never ran for President."
— matt aukamp (@mattaukamp) July 19, 2016
At Tory Party Conference, Theresa May says it is vital to take control of our borders, mainly to stop our doctors leaving.
— HaveIGotNewsForYou (@haveigotnews) October 4, 2016
1. Cant believe its not butter
2. Mad its not butter
3. What can I do to make it butter
4. Sad its not butter
5. I accept it is not butter— scary vints (@snow_van) September 19, 2016
Swedish wasn't the official language of Sweden until 2009.
— The QI Elves (@qikipedia) September 17, 2016
A reminder of how close Donald Trump is to the end of his list of things to say or do to get out of being President. pic.twitter.com/XgSEfMOv4c
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) September 17, 2016
Right but why do they hold the Genovian Independence Day Ball in San Francisco and not Genovia?
— Aaron (@AaronBoardley) September 16, 2016
There's only one thing I hate more than lying and that is skimmed milk which is water lying about being milk…
R. Swanson
— krish kandiah (@krishk) September 16, 2016
Can someone please tell the characters in Eastenders that they could sell their houses for £1m tomorrow and leave all their problems behind?
— Julian Dutton (@JulianDutton1) September 19, 2016
the thing about Brexpitt is they are both now in the *single market*
[gets bundled into a car]
— Esther Webber (@estwebber) September 20, 2016
Now #Brangelina have split, I guess they'll revert to the original names of Brange and Lina
— Michael Hogan (@michaelhogan) September 20, 2016
— Viz Comic (@vizcomic) September 3, 2015
— Viz Comic (@vizcomic) March 19, 2015
— Viz Comic (@vizcomic) April 16, 2016
— Viz Comic (@vizcomic) January 16, 2016
October 7th. Half the country has that bug going around. The healthy live in fear, stockpiling Lemsip, wondering when their time will come.
— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 7, 2016
Relatively speaking cars driven by people will be this weird blip in history between animal and robotic trans… https://t.co/JZKRZLg94F
— Shower Thoughts (@shwr_thoughts) October 6, 2016
I am a patriot. Patriots love their country, nationalists hate their neighbours – our Prime Minister has the two confused.
— Tim Farron (@timfarron) October 5, 2016
I'm sick of people saying bread isn't good for you… Jesus did not say he was the broccoli of life ok??? Give us this day our daily kale??
— julia baird (@JustbeingJuls) September 28, 2016
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I'll become beautiful.
— Naazihah (@naazihah) January 23, 2013
It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.
— Nobody (@Innocent_Knave) April 8, 2016
Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) June 15, 2016
genius idea alert: @vanmoof bikes had problem with shipping damage. So it put flat TVs on its boxes. Problem solved. pic.twitter.com/dsomNATUoY
— Jason Gay (@jasongay) September 4, 2016
Test Of A True Christian? https://t.co/1pV4l2nAeE pic.twitter.com/SnHepeS3da
— The Church Sofa (@TheChurchSofa) September 26, 2016
.@alex_brooker caused quite a stir last night when he talked about his hero Alex Zanardi @lxznr #thelastleg pic.twitter.com/3AzT4ajxE7
— The Last Leg (@TheLastLeg) September 16, 2016
. @RevKevDeYoung looks at what the Bible says about gender identity and gender confusion. #TheNewNormalhttps://t.co/A0oL5JK3Jq pic.twitter.com/3WJ75sk9tQ
— Christian Concern (@CConcern) September 23, 2016
It's fine. Nothing will actually happen until Mary Berry triggers Arctic Roll 50. #Breadxit #GBBO
— Claire Davies (@cloudavies) September 12, 2016
Boy writes to Lego after losing a mini-figure.
Lego's customer service department should run the world. pic.twitter.com/6iz0dS1gvu
— Scott Kerr (@scott_kerr) September 16, 2016
The number of displaced people, as a proportion of the global population, has nearly trebled since 2003 https://t.co/jisPJt5jDL
— Patrick Kingsley (@PatrickKingsley) September 15, 2016
Following the news that has shocked celebrity watchers worldwide, we can confirm we have separated Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's figures. pic.twitter.com/2juLFaZJED
— Madame Tussauds (@MadameTussauds) September 21, 2016
View this post on InstagramIs it the weekend yet? #funnymemes #tuesday 📷 via @girlwithnojob
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View this post on InstagramI think that about covers it. #awkward #introvert #anxiety
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View this post on Instagrampaul rudd is a beautiful ageless vampire
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ineke.co.uk 
Anything to add...?