I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2017
Me: Harry Potter can use magic to fix his glasses.
6-year-old: Why doesn't he use magic to fix his eyes?
Me: *questions everything I know*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 10, 2017
This is still going on. Prayers. https://t.co/ygviN3IU3J
— Drew Dyck (@drewdyck) July 19, 2017
ICYMI: Will Smith Will Play Genie in Live-Action Aladdin, Plus More Cast News: https://t.co/JibF0Qp7Kw ✨ #D23Expo pic.twitter.com/FEkwRDVw94
— Disney (@Disney) July 15, 2017
After the Brexit negotiations we'll ALL be forced to wear leather trousers. https://t.co/Hk8g8Qvqkh
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) July 16, 2017
Never travel anywhere with this guy. pic.twitter.com/J8auEPhK2u
— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) July 16, 2017
Never be ashamed to be ill. Never be ashamed for things you didn't choose or ask for and try everything to prevent.
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) July 18, 2017
This is SHOCKING.
I'm on my own schedule on days off, not anyone else's.
This type of attitude could negatively impact #mentalhealth https://t.co/ZjcOoVuFiH
— Emma-Louise Renton (@makeshifthappy_) July 18, 2017
WEATHER UPDATE: grey, damp and humid. Like a hippo in a steam room.
— innocent drinks (@innocent) July 19, 2017
My new toothbrush links to an app on my phone after I've just cleaned my teeth which tells me I've just cleaned my teeth. Invaluable.
— Simon Blackwell (@simonblackwell) July 19, 2017
They deserve every single penny of it.#BBCPay pic.twitter.com/egTcYkOn6j
— Jack Monroe (@MxJackMonroe) July 19, 2017
If you're not having the best Wednesday so far, just be thankful that at least you don't work in the BBC payroll department. #BBCpay
— innocent drinks (@innocent) July 19, 2017
Quick reminder that Ant & Dec earned £29.5m last year. https://t.co/zuDZvxwdnD https://t.co/gmr97OgI8y
— Greg Jenner (@greg_jenner) July 19, 2017
Jeremy Vine (£700k+) is on his BBC radio show arguing *against* a caller who says his high BBC salary is justified, which is very BBC.
— Jim Waterson (@jimwaterson) July 19, 2017
I'm sure no one will notice. pic.twitter.com/hflyNTp4S6
— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) July 19, 2017
honestly last night someone asked me if crabs think we walk sideways n a havent stopped thinkin about it since
— ninaa (@ninagilbert7) July 16, 2017
Book Sofa pic.twitter.com/YBZsG4QVGv
— Correct Names (@CorrectNames) July 21, 2017
A tweet that has aged very well. https://t.co/Tz3svrOj4U
— Danny Webster (@danny_webster) July 21, 2017
live look at Sean Spicer leaving the White House pic.twitter.com/f0ztrI13G7
— Complex (@Complex) July 21, 2017
See Kate calm Princess Charlotte’s tarmac tantrum as they wrap up their European tour https://t.co/Ia9HKBzrxN pic.twitter.com/VUiopM2JwQ
— People Magazine (@people) July 21, 2017
TODAY'S THOUGHT: Selfridges doesn't actually sell fridges.
— Dave (@davechannel) July 21, 2017
Helmer inadvertently creates my new favourite show about a time travelling golden retriever protecting the universe from harm. https://t.co/U6W492Raap
— tom jamieson (@jamiesont) July 21, 2017
Andrea Leadsom is saddened to hear of Jane Austen's death at the age of 242, and has cancelled her meeting with Emily Bronte out of respect.
— Prince Charles (@Charles_HRH) July 20, 2017
Our monarch does not stumble. #elbowgate
— MrsTooth (@DebbieTooth) July 20, 2017
We are currently moving all our Jane Austen stock from Classics into Greatest Living Authors. Thanks Andrea Leadsom for the heads up.
— Waterstones (@Waterstones) July 20, 2017
Appeal for help: footage of a suspect wanted for questioning in relation to the theft of the inspector's glove!!Do you know them? 😊 pic.twitter.com/pxPywfntGP
— BTP Dog Section (@BTPDogs) July 20, 2017
I've still never seen a fidget spinner in person. So I guess I've made all the correct life choices?
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) July 19, 2017
Compared to these guys and girls I'm poor. But compared to 99% of the world's population I'm stinking rich. #Perspective https://t.co/DoKRu9Z8dM
— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) July 19, 2017
BBC exec should really know that we get exactly the same for BBC breakfast. I have another job on Football Focus https://t.co/zcTvaiocqX
— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) July 19, 2017
The Duke and Duchess are delighted to share a new official portrait of Prince George to mark HRH's 4th birthday tomorrow 🎈 pic.twitter.com/Fct5iaoEer
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) July 21, 2017
Rats have independent nostrils and smell in stereo
— The QI Elves (@qikipedia) July 22, 2017
Up to 95% of East Asians don’t have the gene for smelly armpits whereas 98% of Europeans do.
— The QI Elves (@qikipedia) July 22, 2017
Morning. RT @lad: This is the best video ever pic.twitter.com/7EBZwmm9Hw
— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) July 22, 2017
Dick Van Dyke has apologised for the “most atrocious cockney accent in the history of cinema” https://t.co/QMZ94JmUPP
— Jeremy Vine (@theJeremyVine) July 22, 2017
The only good thing about Donald Trump is that he stops Brexit being the most embarrassing thing in world politics.
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) July 21, 2017
Your essential guide to today's Daily Mail front page by @DMReporter https://t.co/Hks9STaZ27 pic.twitter.com/BvF5M07rPM
— The Poke (@ThePoke) July 21, 2017
I feel like every time a Trump employee quits, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed.
— Frankie (@phranqueigh) July 21, 2017
Nobody told you to stop. pic.twitter.com/MOqxVR5SzY
— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) July 21, 2017
"How does a balloon stay in the air? Nobody knows."
This man has the nuclear codes. pic.twitter.com/jRveta15dI
— Jack Monroe (@MxJackMonroe) July 21, 2017
I am obsessed with the name of this spider killing spray I just bought. pic.twitter.com/EVhWWK5GGn
— Alana Massey (@AlanaMassey) July 17, 2017
The new boss of ITV is a former exec at EasyJet so expect a load of new pilots coming to the channel soon
— Greg James (@gregjames) July 17, 2017
https://www.instagram.com/p/BWQQ0I3h1iCn3W5hEKUboCIgUWO1BTMaOflEVo0/?taken-by=lynds_v
ineke.co.uk 
Anything to add...?