Internet highlights – w/c 20th August 2017

26 08 2017

Best jokes from this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Firemen save pigs, and are presented with them as sausages as a thank you.

Just found a great quote for my maths classroom – attributed to @standupmaths pic.twitter.com/oUOmUph2Xl

— Aquinas Maths (@AquinasMaths) August 23, 2017

So @innocent's FAQ page is one of the best pages on the internet. pic.twitter.com/gr6YJURG5c

— James Ball (@James_Ball) August 23, 2017

Nearly all mammals, regardless of size, take about 21 seconds to pee but only 12 seconds to poo.

— The QI Elves (@qikipedia) August 23, 2017

I've spent the entire day getting over hearing from a friend on Facebook that TESCO is short for "The English Shopping Company".

— Aisling Bea (@WeeMissBea) August 22, 2017

🇬🇧 Privatised
🇧🇪 Nationalised
🇮🇹 Nationalised
🇫🇷 Nationalised
🇵🇱 Nationalised pic.twitter.com/KOV1ViHRK4

— LeftDesignCollective (@UK_LDC) August 22, 2017

2005: bf mom told me I wasn't smart enough for her son. Dumped him. >>>PhD, Oxford 2016. She's in my thesis acknowledgements 😈 https://t.co/J0vHHIKHUo

— Caitlin M Gale (@DrCaitlinMGale) August 22, 2017

Finally got a letter printed in The Times… pic.twitter.com/0Bzi1X6B5d

— Ian Rankin (@Beathhigh) August 22, 2017

I fixed giraffes. pic.twitter.com/QtavtoFRAt

— Josephine A. Sayers (@joeyalison) August 22, 2017

WOW! Kirsten Jorgensen in Lewiston, ID was about to pack up & go inside then saw the plane. She ran to the camera & click!#Eclipse2017 pic.twitter.com/6RxcXURrl3

— Mike Seidel (@mikeseidel) August 22, 2017

EXCLUSIVE: First picture of the total #SolarEclispe2017 from the USA 🇺🇸 pic.twitter.com/HEcVSL0Qb8

— Dave (@davechannel) August 21, 2017

I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of, so they can see that it's not the answer.
-Jim Carrey

— Nicky Gumbel (@nickygumbel) August 21, 2017

MPs' sudden interest in Big Ben reminds me of the time I taught myself to make gnocchi when I had a 4,000-word feature on the Coen bros due.

— Robbie Collin (@robbiereviews) August 21, 2017

BIG BEN BONGS NO MORE. TIME NO LONGER EXISTS IN THE UK. CHAOS. NO ONE KNOWS WHEN TO MAKE TEA. WHEN IS EASTENDERS ON. HELP US.

— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) August 21, 2017

The Clock Tower (Big Ben) has a prison cell for unruly MPs. It was last used in 1880 when an atheist MP refused to take the oath on a Bible.

— The QI Elves (@qikipedia) August 21, 2017

a woman had me double bag her tampons because the bag was see thru and her husband would be embarrassed..sweetie throw the whole husband out

— queen G (@ifthehoefits) August 21, 2017

More than a third of all sick leave is taken on Mondays.

— The QI Elves (@qikipedia) August 21, 2017

This time next Monday, you'll still be in bed #MondayMotivation

— innocent drinks (@innocent) August 21, 2017

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

— Sara Stewart (@twowitwowoo) August 21, 2017

Lord, if you want Trump to resign, send us a sign. Like maybe make the sun stop shining tomorrow around 2pm.

— Shane Claiborne (@ShaneClaiborne) August 20, 2017

I now own enough Bags For Life to officially be immortal.

— Cromerty York 🎙 (@Cromerty) August 20, 2017

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

— Hippo (@InternetHippo) August 20, 2017

Net migration falls as government succeeds in making the UK a miserable place to live.

— HaveIGotNewsForYou (@haveigotnews) August 24, 2017

If you're getting GCSE results today stay calm and remember that whatever happens, Donald Trump became President.

Anything is possible.

— Greg James (@gregjames) August 24, 2017

The most honest political billboard ever: pic.twitter.com/GyQAW7ss8b

— Brilliant Ads (@Brilliant_Ads) August 23, 2017

I wonder whether there's anyone left in America who doesn't know what an acrostic is. https://t.co/nPXnaxm7kI

— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) August 23, 2017

Who are the 1% who don't like their food served on a circular plate? So many questions from this survey https://t.co/EZLfPaBbiY pic.twitter.com/LHYFQZJYdc

— The Poke (@ThePoke) August 22, 2017

Tired of people using your cup in work. pic.twitter.com/bo0mnpKMGw

— Work Fails (@FailsWork) August 21, 2017

#AwfullyBritishFakeFacts depending on where you are, the order of how you put jam and cream on a scone matters more than your kids lives

— Danni🌼 (@candycain_) August 13, 2017

The English civil war was actually about whether you add milk first or after the tea. #awfullybritishfakefacts

— screamingguns (@screamingguns) August 13, 2017

Plans announced to test self-driving lorries on English roads next year after the successful trial of a rudderless ship by the Tory party.

— HaveIGotNewsForYou (@haveigotnews) August 25, 2017

When u get charged £1.85 by a cash machine to get ur own cash out and it has the cheek to tell u to cover ur pin to prevent getting robbed

— lewie (@Ixwie) August 25, 2017

May's visit to Teeside looks like the promo shots for a gritty new detective drama set in the North East pic.twitter.com/aXlTy2wIn8

— Gareth Baines (@DrGABaines) August 25, 2017

Bank holiday, let's be having you https://t.co/aNNVoBJM9i pic.twitter.com/ZkLW8JgpzC

— innocent drinks (@innocent) August 26, 2017

#recap ‘This is how the postman hid our package’https://t.co/v3FfSBHUIc pic.twitter.com/ndgG1Eq7RV

— The Poke (@ThePoke) August 26, 2017

So, @taylorswift13's #LookWhatYouMadeMeDo kindof reminds me of something. Wait for it… pic.twitter.com/oC8RnBFsfQ

— Chase Holfelder (@chaseholfelder) August 25, 2017

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Ha! 😝🐛🦋

A post shared by Catherine Prince (@saffacath) on Aug 20, 2017 at 6:49am PDT

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Photo by @jim_sugar // Partial, total, and partial eclipse images today from Madras, Oregon. Special thanks to George Post, and Jonathan Kingston for help and guidance in shooting the photo and post-production afterward. The image is a combination of Nikon and Lumix cameras. A Nikon D610 with Tamron 150-600 lens @ 600mm. Lumix GX-85 and Lumix 100-400mm lens @ 400mm. @ThePhotoSociety @NatGeoCreative, #solareclipse #Madras #oregon

A post shared by thephotosociety (@thephotosociety) on Aug 21, 2017 at 5:02pm PDT

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As the sun rose over Grand Teton National Park, Wyoming, thousands of people and their vehicles were jockeying for prime eclipse viewing positions. Hours later they were rewarded with a total eclipse of the sun. This image is an illustration, a composite of two frames, the morning sunrise of the Tetons and a timed multiple exposure of today's eclipse. Follow @kengeiger for more eclipse images. #eclipse #eclipse2017

A post shared by National Geographic (@natgeo) on Aug 21, 2017 at 6:50pm PDT

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I didn't get to see the eclipse yesterday but I did just witness this BUBBLE-eclipse! 😱 #eclipse

A post shared by TomFletcher (@tomfletcher) on Aug 22, 2017 at 12:09am PDT

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Not all introverts have #anxiety… but I do! Did you get 5 in a row?

A post shared by Marzi (@introvertdoodles) on Aug 23, 2017 at 9:20am PDT

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A post shared by Silliness Is (@silliness.is) on Aug 25, 2017 at 4:35pm PDT

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True love? We think so. . . . #love #truelove #aww #cute #cuteanimals #babyanimals #zebra #giraffe #nature #photography #photooftheday #igers #instagram #animals #animal #cutephoto #naturegram #naturephotography #safari #longleat #longleatsafaripark

A post shared by Longleat (@longleatofficial) on Aug 24, 2017 at 12:38am PDT

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Photographic evidence of my Oscar worthy role in 'Love, Rosie' where I was a guest (of the bride or groom?) at Alex and Bethany's wedding. On the left is my husband David so brilliantly playing the role of my husband David, on the right is the wonderful Tamsin Egerton who played Sally, and was so true to character that I felt giggly when she spoke to me, even though I know that's what acting is. I listened to the hypnotic Lily Collins, who played Rosie, pouring her heart out to the groom she wasn't marrying, and I had to keep it together and remind myself none of it was real, even though it came from my head, happened in my mind, and it was happening again, for real, around me, in real life, with real people who were acting like it was all normal. Maybe you're not supposed to think of all those things when you're being cool and in the moment but I don't care about being cool. I was so good, my cameo ended up on the cutting room floor 😂 Thankfully all the important parts and people made the final cut #LoveRosieFlashbackFriday

A post shared by Cecelia Ahern (@official_ceceliaahern) on Aug 25, 2017 at 8:41am PDT