ineke.co.uk

So TFL buses now (repeatedly) announce “please hold on, the bus is about to move”.

Ngl, if you get into a bus and aren’t anticipating movement, maybe you deserve to fall.

— reubs (@ReubenArthur) January 14, 2018

Here's a handy diagram to help women choose the right style for their shape. pic.twitter.com/PLYtZcFKHt

— Oonagh (@Okeating) January 19, 2018

I want a big bridge going right across the channel, with two hour tailbacks at each end for customs and immigration checks because, despite the infrastructure, we don’t want all this free movement of people and goods.

And France is going to pay for it too #borisbridge

— Michael Reilly (@mikereillo) January 19, 2018

In the world of Boris logic, let’s build a 22 mile vanity project bridge between Britain and France but continue to cut investment in schools, police, NHS and fire services.#BorisBridge #BreadAndCircuses #Brexit https://t.co/pmrND1TlWY

— James Melville (@JamesMelville) January 19, 2018

Current Boris Johnson ideas:
Bridge to France
Ladder to the moon
Tunnel to Atlantis
Boat service to the underworld
Massive eagles with a saddle to replace British Airways
Catapult to Australia

— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) January 19, 2018

Building a huge concrete structure in the middle of the world’s busiest shipping lane might come with some challenges. https://t.co/jYD5O8B19W

— UK Shipping (@ukshipping) January 18, 2018

Paul Bettany ‘in talks’ to play Prince Philip in #TheCrown after Matt Smith https://t.co/BNN3mHswFS

— Metro (@MetroUK) January 19, 2018

Two obvious points from this escaped wolf story:
• Are we sure "the wind" blew down the fence? Wolves have form when it comes to blowing down wooden structures.
• Building a wolf sanctuary right next to a primary school seems an interesting choice.https://t.co/895OiHUc5j

— Peter Walker (@peterwalker99) January 18, 2018

We just walk around pretending it’s not weird that one of our hands is better at stuff than the other.

— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) January 18, 2018

"ok Mr Milne tell us about your idea"
"It's about a bear"
"ok"
"who wears a top and no trousers"
"…ok"
"a donkey has manic depression"
"what"
"the piglet suffers with anxiety"
"are you ok?"

— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) January 18, 2018

Why is there only one Minister for Loneliness?

— Bennett Arron (@BennettArron) January 17, 2018

The American journalist Christopher Morley called his two cats Shall and Will, "because nobody can tell them apart".

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) January 17, 2018

Don’t really get the fuss about the Bayeux Tapestry. If you want an embroidered version of history just read the Daily Mail.

— The Poke (@ThePoke) January 17, 2018

The Bayeux Tapestry is not a tapestry, it is an embroidery. Tapestries are woven on a loom, while embroideries are made of threads sewn into a fabric.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) January 17, 2018

Donald Tusk is right. The world has moved on since June 2016. Brexiteers keep banging on about freedom, but one of the greatest freedoms is the freedom to change your mind.

— Nick Clegg (@nick_clegg) January 16, 2018

How nice countries fight wars. pic.twitter.com/hYdplg05UP

— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) January 16, 2018

I am pro-life. And being FOR life means…
eradicating abortion
welcoming immigrants
ending gun violence
opposing war
supporting black lives
and abolishing the death penalty.

— Shane Claiborne (@ShaneClaiborne) January 19, 2018

On consideration, I think Branson is right to let the DM be sold on his trains.
Otherwise, you could find yourself on a train of his, sitting next to a DM reader, without ever realising it. Now, people will be able to spot them at a distance and make plans accordingly

— John Cleese (@JohnCleese) January 15, 2018

Bird self portrait. pic.twitter.com/G7Yqam20Uh

— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) January 15, 2018

Today is #BlueMonday, the most depressing day of the year. Thankfully it isn't real and was just invented by someone in marketing.

— innocent drinks (@innocent) January 15, 2018

True of everyone on this account. pic.twitter.com/CQdyrCNBjD

— Darwin Award 🔞 (@AwardsDarwin) January 7, 2018

Levels of saying “I want to leave”:

1. Sitting on edge of sofa
2. Looking at watch
3. Saying “is that the time?”
4. Slapping thighs
5. Saying “right”
6. Placing mug near sink
7. Putting on coat
8. Saying “right” again

You’re staying for at least another hour at this point.

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) January 14, 2018

Honey, I shrunk the kids

Honey, I blew up the kids

Honey, I made the kids believe they were exceptional and complimented them on their talent rather than their work ethic and now they're in their mid to late 20s and never developed the ability to finish a passion project

— lil arab (@maybetomhanks) January 13, 2018

Europe? https://t.co/6tsxplUSx2

— Pippin Parker (@PippinParker) January 14, 2018

"God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't."#CSLewis pic.twitter.com/cZTn1OsqyG

— C. S. Lewis (@CSLewisDaily) January 13, 2018

Just had a go at the same test Donald Trump underwent to check his mental function. I successfully identified the camel 🐫 pic.twitter.com/RdxtbrFBKn

— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) January 17, 2018

An even bigger updated list of words/phrases that need destroying. pic.twitter.com/3IqtSICTqx

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) January 18, 2018

In 1932, Winston Churchill went to a hotel in Munich two days in a row to have tea with Hitler. Hitler stood him up both times and the two men never met.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) January 20, 2018

I know twitter is a place for outrage and anger but I can't stop watching this today pic.twitter.com/uYOQmMCg8b

— Matt Chandler (@MattChandler74) January 19, 2018