ineke.co.uk

Pete Conrad was the third man to walk on the Moon, and at 5′6″ was considerably shorter than Neil Armstrong. When he stepped out onto the Moon his first words were 'Whoopie! Man, that may have been a small one for Neil, but that's a long one for me.'

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) February 17, 2018

Staying at someone’s house:
– Lie in bed for hours waiting to hear signs of life
– Wonder if bathroom is free as you’ve needed the toilet since 6am
– Finally detect cooking smells and make your way to the kitchen
– Discover everyone went out hours ago

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) February 18, 2018

Since 2011:
Downing Street cats – 1
UKIP leaders – 7

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) February 18, 2018

Hi. I’m down to be leader of UKIP between 2pm and 4pm on April 13th but I’ve got a dentist appointment. Can anyone swap?

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) February 18, 2018

Didn't wanna miss out on hot goss just cuz I'm "working" https://t.co/ZbcW6sHEb9

— James Acaster (@JamesAcaster) February 18, 2018

Trump calling Oprah 'insecure' confirmsthat Freud's theory of psychological projection was right. What the ego can't accept is split off and projected onto another. Trump is the greatest walking Freudian case study since Oedipus and Oedipus wasn't even real.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) February 19, 2018

Finally a place for turtles to park. 🐢 pic.twitter.com/mIpMJanzhH

— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) February 20, 2018

i asked my grandpa, “after 65 years u still call grandma darling, beautiful, and honey. what’s the secret?”

grandpa: “i forgot her name 5 years ago and i’m scared to ask her.”

— jarrett (@JarrettsPosts) February 19, 2018

Please do not contact us about the #KFCCrisis – it is not a police matter if your favourite eatery is not serving the menu that you desire.

— Tower Hamlets MPS (@MPSTowerHam) February 20, 2018

So grateful for the life and witness of #BillyGraham
He was a devoted follower of Jesus and a dignified and graceful statesman for the kingdom of God. pic.twitter.com/rifPqIWIQ0

— krish kandiah (@krishk) February 21, 2018

“Someday you will read or hear that Billy Graham is dead. Don’t you believe a word of it. I shall be more alive than I am now. I will just have changed my address. I will have gone into the presence of God.” Billy Graham – Sad to hear that this great man is no longer with us.

— Rev Sally Hitchiner (@SallyHitchiner) February 21, 2018

One of my favorite #BillyGraham quotes:

“It is God's job to judge, the Spirit's job to convict, and our job to love.”

I wish more evangelicals sounded like that.

— Shane Claiborne (@ShaneClaiborne) February 21, 2018

A group of panda is called an ‘embarrassment’, possibly because they are notoriously solitary animals.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) February 21, 2018

An aeroplane, if short of one pilot, would be grounded.

The NHS is now short of 100k staff, including 10k doctors & 35k nurses.

Dangerous?

This is the predicted, inevitable, catastrophic consequence of a government prioritising NHS cuts above lives. https://t.co/9yl4PN49lI

— Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) February 21, 2018

#Taskmaster fans. You may want to read this. 👍🏼 🎉 pic.twitter.com/HM4TTRocFd

— Dave (@davechannel) February 22, 2018

What your toaster setting says about you:
1 – you don’t understand what toast is
2 – you like the taste of warm bread
3 – you’re a safe pair of hands
4 – you’re a maverick
5 – you don’t understand what toast is#NationalToastDay

— innocent drinks (@innocent) February 22, 2018

Who called it “the projected retail price index” not “the shopping forecast”?

— Dave (@davechannel) February 22, 2018

To celebrate Nigel Farage’s record-breaking 32nd appearance, Question Time announces special episode: pic.twitter.com/WETmKCYNCM

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) February 22, 2018

In Thai, the number 5 is pronounced 'ha', so instead of sending messages that say hahaha, Thai people will sometimes write 555.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) February 22, 2018

The traditional piiiissssss @scott_mills off on the way to the Brits vid #BRITs #manofthepeople pic.twitter.com/wcKPQMzTiP

— Chris Stark (@Chris_Stark) February 22, 2018

Let me get this straight, you shaft students for yrs by tripling tuition fees to £9250 a yr, Saddle them with crippling debts of £50,000 & extortionate interest of 6% when rates are only 0.5% & then you conduct a review into how much you’ve shafted them? https://t.co/r9vCBYENAN

— Peter Stefanovic (@PeterStefanovi2) February 19, 2018

Theresa May today launches a year long review into the excessive cost of a British university education.
She was in all of the Cabinets that coined the tuition fee policies.
What on earth is she expecting to discover?

— James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) February 19, 2018

As supply problems force closure of hundreds of restaurants, KFC make emergency changes to their menu: pic.twitter.com/hK2Dsvkk8c

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) February 20, 2018

My spelling sucks. But I'd expect more from @marksandspencer Cafe sign. pic.twitter.com/70Loz4j10c

— Inventor_tom (@inventor_tom) February 24, 2018

The first webcam watched a coffee pot. It allowed researchers at Cambridge University to monitor whether there was any coffee left without leaving their desks.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) February 24, 2018

You know, when I said I wanted the real world to be more like Harry Potter I just meant the teleportation and the magic stuff, not the entire plot of book 5 where the government refuses to do anything about a deadly threat so the teenagers have to rise up and fight back.

— Denizcan James (@MrFilmkritik) February 22, 2018

I've watched this GIF at least 100 times now, cry-laughing the entire time. pic.twitter.com/Hih7VJe28T

— Helen 侯-Sandí (@helenhousandi) February 23, 2018