ineke.co.uk

Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea. #UKPunDay

— innocent drinks (@innocent) February 12, 2018

We've just seen that #UKPunDay is trending so thought we'd better post something…

— Royal Mail (@RoyalMail) February 12, 2018

Wouldn’t a better word for ‘disunited’ be ‘ited’?

— Jay Foreman (@jayforeman) February 12, 2018

Y'all are stuck in 2018 watching the Olympics in 2D while I'm in the future watching it in 3D pic.twitter.com/CsKHpbZQki

— Austin Hoffman (@reallyhoffman) February 11, 2018

Pancake Day Schedule:
– Wake up
– See if Father Pancake has been
– Open all your pancakes
– Cook Pancake Lunch
– Watch Queen’s Pancake Speech
– Fall asleep for a bit
– Watch a pancake film
– Make sandwich from pancake leftovers
– Bed #pancakeday2018

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) February 13, 2018

Easily work out the date of Shrove Tuesday by reciting the following:

Remember, remember the Tuesday 47 days before the Sunday on or after the first full moon following the vernal equinox. @TwopTwips

— Simon Harris (@IAmSimonHarris) February 13, 2018

The Love Actually fact currently "blowing people's minds" is that the age difference between Keira Knightley and Thomas Brodie-Sangster is only five years in real life 🙄

We're sure you'll all sleep better tonight! #ValentinesDay pic.twitter.com/enteVovFnY

— Reality Bite (@realitybitecom) February 13, 2018

How to Talk to Someone Who Is Reading a Book:
1. Resist the urge to ask them what they're reading
2. Pull out a book yourself
3. Lose yourself in the trials and tribulations of fictional people
4. Lose endless time to their suffering
5. Now you don't need people
6. You have books

— Sam Sykes (@SamSykesSwears) February 11, 2018

It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?" A. A. MILNE

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) February 12, 2018

London City airport reopens after WWII-era device in Thames revealed to be Jacob Rees-Mogg enjoying morning swim.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) February 12, 2018

For breakfast I’m having an egg with soldiers pic.twitter.com/ma2kn5VHl2

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) February 2, 2018

There is a kind of bravery in just saying, damn, actually I feel bad right now and I need help. So many people stop themselves from doing this. We need to make it easier for folk to say, I feel really bad.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) February 10, 2018

Flu info from a literal Doctor…who is funny. pic.twitter.com/j3zP0eW3rp

— John Richards (@loserboy) January 29, 2018

Mine is simpler: imagine there’s a £20 note on the floor. If you pick it up, it’s a cold. If you don’t even care, it’s flu…

— Rebecca Payne (@Oohgpwales) January 30, 2018

Blind, bisexual and polyamorous goose involved in love triangle dies, aged 40 https://t.co/TeCwGlrzFe

— indy100 (@indy100) February 11, 2018

Seems like a good time to repost this. #ProudofAid pic.twitter.com/xA5VyKMORt

— Dave Walker (@davewalker) February 11, 2018

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

— Helen Clarkson (@helenrclarkson) February 12, 2018

Then you must be disqualified immediately pic.twitter.com/6rQ7J4QxkQ

— Greg James (@gregjames) February 15, 2018

This timing is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. pic.twitter.com/F1PRYwEVeO

— Jamie Ross (@JamieRoss7) February 16, 2018

My kids’ right to survive a day at school outweighs your right to own any kind of gun you want. It just does.

— Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) February 15, 2018

Someone told me off after reading How to Stop Time because they still can't stop time. I get this. I still don't know how to kill mockingbirds. It pisses me off.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) February 16, 2018

Drama at Downing Street this morning – Larry the cat has a face off with Palmerston from the Foreign Office. Fur and collar ripped off in the cat fight. @GMB pic.twitter.com/xGWUwZwlmO

— Nick Dixon (@NickDixonITV) February 16, 2018

What possible defense is there of a legal regime where a 19 year old cannot buy a can of beer but can buy a weapon of war?

— Chris Hayes (@chrislhayes) February 15, 2018

As a result of watching Blue Planet II, the Queen has banned plastic straws and plastic bottles from all Royal estates.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) February 16, 2018

“Man takes second sick-day for authenticity.” Lovely headline from #TheMashReport

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) February 15, 2018

Winne the Pooh author A A Milne had planned a film adaption of Pride and Prejudice with Darcy as an Eeyore. He found out the day he finished his own script that he was pipped to the post by an American production.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) February 15, 2018

Mass shootings aren't just about mental illness. If they were just about mental illness they'd exist everywhere on earth, because mental illness exists everywhere.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) February 15, 2018

It’s seven years ago today that I took up my role at Downing Street. Lots has changed in that time, except the number of mice… pic.twitter.com/qcuDwlE6MN

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) February 15, 2018

Oh the horror of realising you've replied all instead of replying. THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD NOT GIVE UP COFFEE FOR LENT.

— Martin Saunders (@martinsaunders) February 15, 2018

It is unfathomable and surreal that some people feel their right to a gun is more important than the right of school kids to life.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) February 15, 2018

As well as affianced couples, St Valentine is the patron saint of epilepsy, fainting, plague, beekeepers and greetings card manufacturers.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) February 14, 2018

To all those people tempted to wheel out tired puns and do an awful ‘my pancakes tasted like crepe’ joke tonight, please resist. You’re batter than that.

— Greg James (@gregjames) February 13, 2018

.@IcelandFoods currently winning in the race to remove plastics from supermarket shelves. Here are their new paper ready-meal trays, made from sustainable forests. Black plastic trays will be ditched entirely by the end of the year 🙌🏼 #plastics #theplasticproblem #blackplastic pic.twitter.com/6AEAtzd5fK

— Kate Quilton (@Quilton) February 16, 2018

Brilliant. Gold for @TheYarnold & bronze for @skeletonlaura 🥇🥉
Remember we don’t even have a full skeleton track in the UK! 👏🏻👏🏻

— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) February 17, 2018

In 1959, Volvo invented the 3-point seat belt, then gave a free license to all other car manufacturers to use it. pic.twitter.com/P6N5955iqn

— Historical Pics (@HistoricalPics) February 17, 2018