ineke.co.uk

It’s come to our readers attention that @Jacob_Rees_Mogg has been masquerading as Beano character Walter Brown. A clear breach of our copyright. pic.twitter.com/voWQZ5VkPS

— Beano (@BeanoOfficial) April 4, 2018

Last year, I moved in with my girlfriend and her best mate. They’re both girls. Some of the shit I’ve seen is EYE OPENING mate (a thread)

— Craig Shapes (@craigshapes) March 28, 2018

So there was a MYSTERY at the library today.

A wee old women came in and said "I've a question. Why does page 7 in all the books I take out have the 7 underlined in pen? It seems odd."
"What?" I say, thinking she might be a bit off her rocker. She showed me, and they did.

— Georgia | Saoirse (@green_grainger) April 3, 2018

I'm not ashamed to say that – possibly because I'm on my period – I cried when Dec came down the stairs on his own. It was oddly heartbreaking.

— Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran) March 31, 2018

In 1947, over 3000 Canadian children took part in protests against an increase in the price of chocolate bars. When they marched on the British Columbia capitol building, government business was shut down for the day.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) March 31, 2018

B shift #Winchester celebrating Easter with Easter version #eggandsoldiers 22740 pic.twitter.com/1Vz893PxoY

— Hants Response Cops (@HCResponseCops) April 1, 2018

A world without chocolate? No, this isn't an #AprilFools joke!

Experts think there will be a worldwide shortage of cocoa within 5 years. Read these 7 #chocolate facts to understand the risks and how you can help save chocolate! https://t.co/IH5LMzTqJ7 #Easter pic.twitter.com/iJTaORbKS2

— Fairtrade Foundation (@FairtradeUK) April 1, 2018

Best April Fools prank ever. 1974. pic.twitter.com/itIxmhsAoc

— Old School (@oldschoolvid) April 1, 2018

At the zoo. pic.twitter.com/YzS1oqeUlo

— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) April 1, 2018

The end of 'Finding Dory' on Sweden's Netflix is, by far, the greatest movie moment in cinema history. pic.twitter.com/SXLWjLhZRB

— Luke Mathews (@Floppy_Ragdoll) March 31, 2018

Switzerland has accidentally invaded Liechtenstein twice, in 1992 and 2007. In response to the second invasion, the spokesperson for Liechtenstein remarked "no problem, these things happen".

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) April 1, 2018

The website Spurious Correlations finds improbable links between unconnected data sets. This graph shows the chilling relationship between cheese consumption and deaths caused by bedsheet entanglement. (https://t.co/GVe0qcQBBb) pic.twitter.com/guRi8tx02M

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) April 1, 2018

Blimey. Only 4 national flags were around before 1800
(via @gareth_snell) pic.twitter.com/tNGejdUpyB

— Jeremy Vine (@theJeremyVine) April 1, 2018

Riding Disney World’s Big Thunder Mountain Railroad rollercoaster is a reliable way to make people pass kidney stones.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) April 1, 2018

April Fool's Day. A day when people pause to think if that thing they read on the internet is true or not. A skill sorely lacking during the other 364 days of the year.

— Dai Lama (@WelshDalaiLama) April 1, 2018

Happy Easter Monday Tweeps ! 😘👋☕️😆 pic.twitter.com/ZsxMj9PI5l

— 🤣 The Dad Joke Man 😉 (@DadJokeMan) April 2, 2018

Hate to break it to these people but I'm pretty sure the menu at the eternal banquet is more than 550 calories.

After all, Heaven is, as Sydney Smith observed, "pâté de foie gras to the sound of trumpets." pic.twitter.com/nv4x8DtpWw

— Fergus Butler-Gallie (@_F_B_G_) April 2, 2018

I'm crap with daily life, but with a crisis I'm epic. I had panic disorder. Do you know what that is? A state not of anxiety, but permanent physical terror. The adrenaline is haywire. You learn how to function, and act normal, in utter fear. Then you can cope with anything after.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) April 1, 2018

To be absolutely clear: something like a truly autonomous car will be with us one day, and that’s great. Developing them is a moral imperative. But we should stop imagining they’re just a few years off.

— James May (@MrJamesMay) April 2, 2018

When I was growing up the most famous people with depression were the icons it had killed. Cobain, Plath, Hemingway. It was so easy to feel like depression might be a death sentence. Which is why it is so brilliant so many famous – and LIVING – people talk about their depression.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) April 2, 2018

Chocolate naming meeting.
"TWI"
"No"
"TWII"
"No"
"TWIII"
"No"
"TWIV"
"No"
"TWV"
"No"
"TWVI"
"No"
"TWVII"
"No"
"TWVIII"
"No"
"TWIX"
"PERFECT!”

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) April 2, 2018

In 1990, the satirical magazine, SPY, sent cheques for 13 cents to some of the world’s richest people. Only two cashed them, the Saudi Arabian arms dealer Adnan Khashoggi, and Donald Trump.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) April 3, 2018

…but only agrees to star with George Clooney if George Clooney isn't in it. https://t.co/pfN5kb9RFs

— Pundamentalism (@Pundamentalism) April 3, 2018

'You are confident because I've seen your tweets.'

Who needs confidence to tweet? Introverts love Twitter because they can pretend to be extroverts in the safety of their living room.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) April 3, 2018

Everybody. Remain. Calm. https://t.co/f2gwZCAtSu

— Dave (@davechannel) April 5, 2018

This dad is an evil genius 😈 pic.twitter.com/LeFTJaMMm9

— Metro (@MetroUK) April 2, 2018

And so begins the great 'Do You Need A Jacket' debate.

— innocent drinks (@innocent) April 6, 2018

Why is it so hard to lose weight? oh yeah that’s right… because food is life.

— Donald Faison (@donald_faison) April 5, 2018

2003 – Warne banned for 1 year
2018 – Warner banned for 1 year

Grammatically & Statistically speaking, in 2033, an Australian cricketer named Warnest should get a 1 year ban

— Bilal Curran 🇮🇳 (@Ahmadbilal111) April 3, 2018

Accrington Stanley's 'burger bonus' has been given the green light 🚦🍔

But they've been "reminded of their responsibilities"… 😳

Read: https://t.co/T0c6LVr2aK #ASFC pic.twitter.com/kjWFyOAb2E

— BBC Sport (@BBCSport) April 6, 2018

My favourite lines of all the lines I have read today:

'If you think something is ugly, look harder. Ugliness is just a failure of seeing.'
– @matthaig1

— Joanna Cannon (@JoannaCannon) April 6, 2018

Caller Joe from Ellesmere Port is a "fit taxi driver who doesn't smoke/drink" – BUT he drinks 10-20 teas a day with 6 sugars in each, and 20 cans of Coke per shift = 20 x 9 teaspoons. Plus Haribos and Mars Bars = 400 teaspoons sugar a day. Now recovering from heart attack.

— Jeremy Vine (@theJeremyVine) April 6, 2018

FACT Any bike can be a folding bike if you're strong enough.

— Dave (@davechannel) April 6, 2018

I
Still
Like
The way
That when you
Tilt
Poems
On their side
They
Look like
Miniature
Cities
From
A long way
Away
Skyscrapers
Made out
Of
Words

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) April 6, 2018

His name is Max. pic.twitter.com/oxYrCymGWW

— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) April 6, 2018

This morning, I witnessed a particularly nasty example of sexual harassment on the tube. I’ve seen this so many times before, but today it really got to me, particularly in the current climate (1/ )

— Harriet Marsden (@harriet1marsden) April 5, 2018

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I'm not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I'll treat myself.

— Jac Rayner (@GirlFromBlupo) April 6, 2018

Imagine if the tweets of birds are like the tweets of humans and the dawn chorus isn't as beautiful as we think and it's really just a load of chaffinches and thrushes trolling each other.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) April 7, 2018

HEY!

You. Yes, you.

Go back and read the first word of each of my tweets.

And keep going. And going. And going.

— Prof Bison Sexhorn (@Brainmage) April 6, 2018

They must be good. pic.twitter.com/QFGol8ICk0

— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) April 7, 2018

It started off as a way to see what Megan Markle was like & now I can't stop watching Suits- even though they say "DON'T YOU REALISE? I DID THIS FOR YOU!" every 3 minutes & they never change out of their boring suits. (Except once someone wore a hoody to show they were on drugs).

— Aisling Bea (@WeeMissBea) April 7, 2018

. @target @targetstyle @targetdoesitagain I am disgusted by what I was told. Arrest me for trying to help someone. The stupidity behind that rule. I want an explanation. My fans and followers please message #Target regarding this. JB pic.twitter.com/pNZ3Sfy3qZ

— John Barrowman MBE (@JohnBarrowman) April 6, 2018

It's sad the first time you're buying clothes & you think 'I'll grow into this' & then realise 'Oh wait no. This is me fully grown. I'm finished'.

— Adam Hess (@adamhess1) April 7, 2018