ineke.co.uk

When I was a child, when we went out in the evening my parents used to leave the tv on to deter burglars, but mum refused to ever leave it on ITV in case said burglars were to think we were common …

— Loushippers (@Loushippers) February 1, 2019

When I was a teenager in Wales, 15-1 and Countdown were repeated an hour later on S4C (Welsh Channel 4). When my mum came home we would watch it together. I had already watched them, so could get all the questions and 9 letter words correctly. She still thinks I'm a genius.

— rob nelmes (@robnelmes) February 1, 2019

I ask the cat what he wants for dinner, then tell him we don't have any "meow" and he will have to make do with cat food.

— Pink (@pink_ghost_guy) February 1, 2019

Dwayne "The Mog" Johnson … pic.twitter.com/fdVcMoNCLk

— Stephen Fry (@stephenfry) February 2, 2019

[Is caught flushing a duckbilled platypus down the lav]

'But, but nature provided it…'

'Please come away from there sir. The RSPCA would like a word.' pic.twitter.com/qRvQfFZnnG

— Fergus Butler-Gallie (@_F_B_G_) February 3, 2019

A prank that was thoroughly enjoyed by at least one man. pic.twitter.com/gm6hf8harS

— Mr. Drinks On Me (@Mr_DrinksOnMe) February 3, 2019

BREXIT latest:
DOWNSIDE
Nissan, Sony, Airbus, Panasonic, Dyson, JaguarLR etc off/cutting jobs
No food
No medicine
Manufacturing collapse
NI peace in danger
NHS/social care meltdown
Kent = car park
Riots
Actual shit everywhere

UPSIDE
Blue passport
Brexit 50p

CONCLUSION
Worth it

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) February 3, 2019

YOU FORGOT THE FESTiVAL!!

— Sue Perkins (@sueperkins) February 3, 2019

It's only good genes if his mother was big bird and his father was a radioactive satsuma. https://t.co/JWYxnopoWz

— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) February 3, 2019

For any Brits watching the Superbowl for the first time tonight, it’s like watching a terrible game of rugby but there are adverts every five minutes for some reason.

— Dave (@davechannel) February 3, 2019

Someone has to make the first move to resolve a conflict (watch to the end).pic.twitter.com/ZCiQlhBLHe

— James Melville (@JamesMelville) February 3, 2019

Bakerloo line – “Please move right down inside the car”
Kid on train – “Car??!”
My brain – “……..
……
……
……
…… Car??!”

— Jay Foreman (@jayforeman) February 4, 2019

This piece of art from Thomas Deininger is one of the most incredible things I’ve seen. pic.twitter.com/fJmKg9wpD2

— Martin Montague (@MartinM_Media) February 4, 2019

Position of the north magnetic pole since 1590https://t.co/MAusieVxe9 pic.twitter.com/8pWlX1Lngp

— Amazing Maps™ (@amazingmap) February 7, 2019

If baguettes could move, how would they move? Give your reasoning pls pic.twitter.com/dZ3Oq7E9Ph

— Dave (@sheepfilms) February 7, 2019

Friday. It's the cherry on top of the cake. And it's the icing on the cake. And the jam in the middle of the cake. It's also the spongey part of the cake.

Basically, what we're trying to say is that Friday is one big, delicious cake.

— innocent drinks (@innocent) February 8, 2019

Canadian Road Rage
Montreal 🇨🇦
📹 lex_inker pic.twitter.com/JG9XilZrCF

— Kelly Canuck🍁 (@KellyCanuckTO) February 3, 2019

#10yearchallenge #EurovisionYouDecide @Grahnort #legend. pic.twitter.com/wzP1y8We0H

— BBC Eurovision🇬🇧 (@bbceurovision) February 8, 2019

Universal Pictures just announced that a feature adaptation of the blockbuster Broadway musical WICKED will open on Dec. 22, 2021, directed by Stephen Daldry. pic.twitter.com/kk358m940p

— Adam B. Vary (@adambvary) February 8, 2019

“We can see you’re sitting on your own but we’re just going to put this huge bear here so that everyone else in the restaurant will be made aware that you’re all by yourself, without any friends and alone. So very alone” https://t.co/cdiOepcPKq

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) February 9, 2019

“Sorry I have to be up early for work” is the adult equivalent of “my mom said no”

— Tyler Summers (@summ1Tup) May 6, 2018

"He made the statement as he entered his brand new helicopter" https://t.co/A0fRLK1KLt

— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) February 9, 2019