ineke.co.uk

My daughter just asked why we say "hang up" the phone and now I feel 90.

— Jason English (@EnglishJason) June 2, 2015

This is a US Govt official praising the GODDAMN BERLIN WALL, the symbol of 70 years of oppression and division under the Soviet boot.

In any other administration, this person would be fired immediately and never work in this town again. What an embarrassment these clowns are. pic.twitter.com/eomvcO63J6

— Molly McKew (@MollyMcKew) November 9, 2019

The saying 'curiosity killed the cat' is often invoked to stop people being inquisitive; what is less well known is that the whole phrase is: 'curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.'

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) November 9, 2019

Today me street is celebrating 50 years! Me hope dis celebration has cooookies… #Sesame50

— Cookie Monster (@MeCookieMonster) November 10, 2019

The nerve shown here. True parenting. Incredible. https://t.co/MX5ckm5qzT

— James Corden (@JKCorden) November 9, 2019

#BerlinWall30 I was 25 and seeing a really lovely bloke called Alan. Watching the news from bed he said he'd always remember he was with me when it happened and hoped we'd still be together for many years to come. I wish him and his husband all the best.

— kath 🙀🕷❄️🇪🇺 (@KathyBurke) November 9, 2019

My kids have just held their own impromptu two-minute silence for Remembrance Day over breakfast and I think I might have just seen a little flicker of light in the world. Have a good day.

— Martin Saunders 🤦🏻‍♂️ (@martinsaunders) November 11, 2019

I’ve won this…a guy I went out went with a few years ago, dumped me for his step-sister. https://t.co/2gUPxRnpHP

— Shappi Khorsandi (@ShappiKhorsandi) November 10, 2019

It’s truly dystopian how mixtapes used to come from people with crushes on us and now they come from algorithms

— Eugenia Zuroski (@zugenia) November 11, 2019

…And The Lord said, let there be light: and there was light.
Not everyone wanted light, though. pic.twitter.com/zfo18YfcqT

— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) November 12, 2019

ON a train
IN a car
ON a boat
IN a submarine
ON a plane
IN a van
ON a bus
IN a helicopter

Jeez, make your mind up transport.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) November 13, 2019

Oh my good god. Yes, @Rylan is doing a brilliant thing raising loads of money for @BBCCiN but he’s done an even more brilliant thing by doing karaoke with Feltz. pic.twitter.com/TS5o4fiYuF

— Greg James (@gregjames) November 13, 2019

Dear @Conservatives I am still awaiting payment for this sketch. https://t.co/3EgVfmpafV

— Matt Lucas (@RealMattLucas) November 12, 2019

At first glance I thought someone had left a Terrys Chocolate Orange in the toilet… pic.twitter.com/TXcuJdqJys

— Dave Gorman (@DaveGorman) November 11, 2019

Traffic lights should turn red if the car approaching them is breaking the speed limit.

— Jeremy Vine (@theJeremyVine) November 13, 2019

Rod Stewart and Jools Holland have phoned into the Jeremy Vine show (on Radio 2 now) to discuss their model railways. They weren’t booked, they just PHONED IN! This is top top TOP radio!

— Victoria Coren Mitchell (@VictoriaCoren) November 13, 2019

We are all children and I make no apologies for that. pic.twitter.com/96TcHWzv2H

— Greg James (@gregjames) November 13, 2019

“The cat outranks me” pic.twitter.com/dHVFHFJWEy

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) November 13, 2019

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) November 12, 2019

Oh yeah John Lewis get a lizard to shoot fire at stuff and it's a cute Christmas advert, we attached a small flame thrower to an iguana at the Christmas party and we 'ruined the vibe' and 'have to pay for the damages'

— Dave (@davechannel) November 14, 2019

JOHN LEWIS CHRISTMAS ADVERT BRAINSTORM

"How about Jolly Jaws? A lovable man eating shark who just can't help eating people?"

"Or Ditsy Dracula? The cute servant of darkness with a taste for blood?"

"Hmm let's just go with the dragon who loves arson." #ExciteableEdgar

— innocent drinks (@innocent) November 14, 2019

Well, I didn't have anything planned for today anyway.

— John Lewis (@johnlewis) November 14, 2019

I love this awkward hug so much. Jesus is smiling too. pic.twitter.com/AXEZhmOV5U

— Martin Saunders 🤦🏻‍♂️ (@martinsaunders) November 14, 2019

You know what makes me smile?

Facial muscles.

— Dad's Puns (@DadsPuns) November 14, 2019

If Scott and Scooter won’t let her perform her songs, Taylor should stand on the stage in silent protest for 13 minutes. #IStandWithTaylor

— lexi (@nowiseedaylight) November 15, 2019

This is nice. https://t.co/lEcF1Bhmvs

— Aaron (@AaronBoardley) November 15, 2019

I know we are a fractured country at the moment but look at what we can achieve when we put our mind to it…pic.twitter.com/44CuS7Z93W

— Dan Walker (@mrdanwalker) November 15, 2019

Wow, how big is the lie going to be? https://t.co/hGmaB3BpJT

— Tiernan Douieb (@TiernanDouieb) November 15, 2019

There are fewer women running FTSE 100 companies than there are men called Stephen running FTSE 100 companies.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) November 16, 2019

You’re welcome. pic.twitter.com/FbxCO4T1I3

— matthew perry (@MatthewPerry) November 16, 2019

"Now I know how Kevin Clifton feels" Anton Du Beke just got his first 10s on #Strictly EVER! pic.twitter.com/OzIp3zF1c7

— BBC Strictly ✨ (@bbcstrictly) November 16, 2019