ineke.co.uk

Been saying we’d love a dog about the house but our landlord doesn’t allow pets, so my housemate posted a letter to our neighbours asking if we could walk their dog every once and a while and the response was better than we could have ever hoped for pic.twitter.com/dcMOfPk5UH

— Jack McCrossan (@Jack_McCrossan) December 10, 2019

This is a genuine favourite area of pointless information of mine.

Two-can cross? PEdestrian LIght CONtrol?

Someone had way too much fun with the names.

— Dr Rebecca Acres (@Dr_R_Acres) October 27, 2019

Playing Snake in my Christmas tree.

The apples that you need to collect are actually lighted Christmas balls. How cool is that?#ChristmasTree #Led #DIY pic.twitter.com/ffe2eJgJ0X

— Jordy Moos (@JordyMoos) December 16, 2019

Weird things I’ve heard on Radio 4 in the last 2 days.: “…for Christians and Catholics alike…” — cathedrals succeed because they “don’t bang on about God” — for artists, Cathedrals are “a blank canvas…”. So much uninformed twaddle. Is there no religion editor?

— Rev’d Professor Maggi Dawn, Ph.D (@maggidawn) December 28, 2019

The worst part of the Christmas period is remembering you've soon got to retrain your body not to expect to have food and booze chucked into it approximately every 15 minutes.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) December 29, 2019

Here’s the sort of practical help a widow wants: some friends have offered to start a WhatsApp group to which I will post pictures of my proposed outfit for them to approve, improve or reject.

— Richard Coles (@RevRichardColes) December 29, 2019

I cannot speak in tongues, I cannot bind a demon, and I cannot decree and declare anything from God.

But I can humbly come to the throne of grace with simple prayers and know who is in control and sovereign.

— Dana Renee (@savedwretch113) December 28, 2019

Every single year, our church takes the last Sunday of the year off.

Every single year, someone calls me at 11:03am in the last Sunday of the year asking, “I am here! Where is everyone?”

Every. Single. Year.

No one listens to church announcements.

— Eric Hoke (@erichoke) December 29, 2019

December 25th – no room at the inn

December 30th – no room in the bin

— The Poke (@ThePoke) December 30, 2019

The RI Christmas Lectures 2019 on mathematics? No maths, no reasoning, no symbols, no equations, no proofs. Milksop mathematics. Just applications. Small redeeming feature was false positives where they dared to mention percentages. Zeeman must be spinning. #Ri_lectures

— Geoff Smith (@GeoffBath) December 30, 2019

My superpower: holding the exact same pose for three long years while someone changes my outfit and glasses. #onlyconnect pic.twitter.com/7ebgsd5Wbf

— Aaron (@AaronBoardley) December 30, 2019

In 2020 we're going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision!

I can't wait to see them all.

— Bargain Hunters (@Bargains90) December 31, 2019

2010: MP with small majority, not party leader
2020: MP with small majority, not party leader

— Tim Farron (@timfarron) December 31, 2019

I just aggressively removed two bottles of prosecco from our trolley, proclaiming crossly “Neither of us likes prosecco. It’s bloody horrible”

The gentleman moved away from me at speed. We had not met before. It was neither my trolley nor my husband.

— Jo Aaron 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 (@jolilford) December 30, 2019

In 1889, Tit-Bits magazine offered prizes to single, female readers who sent in the best answers to the question: ‘Why Am I A Spinster?’ Here are some highlights… pic.twitter.com/7gRG0kVbUO

— Dr Bob Nicholson (@DigiVictorian) February 17, 2018

I am a music historian, and with @AdrianRMG I have researched the best-selling single of every decade all the way back to 14,000BC. Here's a thread:

2010s – Ed Sheeran, The Shape of You pic.twitter.com/Y4rrOdSGY2

— Archie Henderson (@archiehench) December 5, 2019

"I sneezed into his open mouth."

Your #MirandaMoments are amazing and truly horrendous 😂@mermhart #Miranda pic.twitter.com/EZtZepMOOD

— BBC One (@BBCOne) January 1, 2020

THE SCRIPT FOR TODAY:

"How was your Christmas?"
"Fine thanks, you?"
"Yeah fine thanks. Good New Year?"
"Yeah, y'know, fine. You?"
"Yeah fine."
"Well, good catching up."
"Yeah, you too."

Now repeat with sixteen different people.

— innocent drinks (@innocent) January 2, 2020

ATTENTION EVERYONE

We know it feels like a Tuesday. We know it looks like a Tuesday. We know it smells like a Tuesday.

However, we are pleased to report that it is in fact Friday.

Please celebrate this in an orderly manner.

Yours,
The Royal Department of Calendar Accuracy

— innocent drinks (@innocent) January 3, 2020

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) January 3, 2020

Smoking will kill you…

Bacon will kill you…

But..

Smoking bacon will cure it.

— Bargain Hunters (@Bargains90) January 3, 2020

I seem to have spent most of this week trapped in an Excel spreadsheet. So here's a poem about that. pic.twitter.com/xeUk8qsK9q

— Brian Bilston (@brian_bilston) June 30, 2017

I've coloured the roads of some urban areas by their name. Here's London. pic.twitter.com/ItTgrByQdl

— Giuseppe Sollazzo (@puntofisso) January 3, 2020