Lies people have convinced others of.
There are as many points between 1st and 2nd in the Premier League as there are between 1st and 20th in The Championship.
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) February 9, 2020
Listen to that wind
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) February 9, 2020
Daughter: Oh Mummy, your cake is vegan, does that mean it’s special?
Husband: No, it means the people who eat it think they’re special
🙄😂🙄😂— Sophie Killingley (@PrettySophieK) February 8, 2020
Writing a manifesto?
This should help.[Source: 10 Lessons for Writing Great Copy by Roger Horberry and Gyles Lingwood] pic.twitter.com/aoPuj7MCHU
— Taylor Herring (@TaylorHerringUK) February 9, 2020
The Stepping-Feet Illusion. The two rectangles appear to be moving alternately, like a pair of stepping feet – but they’re not; they're moving together at the same constant speed. Don't believe me? Watch how the illusion disappears when the stripes fade to grey… pic.twitter.com/L9NqSq7vus
— Steve Stewart-Williams (@SteveStuWill) February 7, 2020
Rachel: “Samuel, this iPad is disgusting.”
Sam (3): “That’s because I blessed it.”
Rachel:
Sam:
Rachel: “Do you mean you sneezed on it?”
Sam: “Yes. I bless you.”— Andrew Wilson (@AJWTheology) February 9, 2020
Thanks to #StormCaira BA flight BA112 travelled from New York to London overnight in just 4hrs 56mins.
I believe this is a new subsonic transatlantic flight record. 👀 pic.twitter.com/b0niRbpMcT— Professor R.Niblett (@R_Niblett_) February 9, 2020
It’s a bit windy. #StormCiara pic.twitter.com/RJCxenhEL2
— Mike Pattinson (@MikePattinson) February 9, 2020
The payoff in the final one second of this clip would have been worth waiting much, much longer for. https://t.co/q19Z3C7Ztt
— Mark Watson (40) (@watsoncomedian) February 9, 2020
Unexpected result of #StormCiaًra – our front door has developed a farting problem. You could say its a bit…. windy. (I'll see myself out) pic.twitter.com/1KAj56yPuf
— Lotti Dart (@yorickisntdead) February 9, 2020
BREAKING: As UK is hit by both Storm Ciara and Coronavirus, Boris Johnson declares state of emergency as he can't find way of blaming them on the EU.
— The Poke (@ThePoke) February 10, 2020
Another show, another collapsed audience member, another heroic group of medics, nurses & paramedics saving the day. Patient now well. My shows are officially the safest place to have an emergency (though, that said, if it could please stop happening…) https://t.co/HT55Z6DIDo
— Adam Kay (@amateuradam) February 10, 2020
Every odd number contains the letter e.
— Quite Interesting Facts (@qikipedia) February 11, 2020
Because my identity is in Christ I'm free to be truly unimportant
— Henners (@Joe_Henegan) February 12, 2020
Every "c" in the words "Pacific Ocean" is pronounced differently. The beauty of the English language, eh?
— Paul Chantler (@PaulChantler) February 11, 2020
In Budapest there's a fountain that looks like a book: every few seconds a sheet of water blasts forth from the book's spine, arcing from one side to the other, creating the illusion that an invisible force is turning the pages of this marble tome [gif: https://t.co/FToSO30KQq] pic.twitter.com/a0oUQrKXYt
— Massimo (@Rainmaker1973) October 2, 2019
Should we do a Scrubs rewatch podcast? pic.twitter.com/k7xcJHeXVK
— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) February 12, 2020
As Boris Johnson proposes spending £20 billion on a bridge between Scotland and Northern Ireland, British voters wonder if they could perhaps have those 40 hospitals instead.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) February 11, 2020
No2 child is now removing all songs from my youth group playlist which she regards as “dead”.
It’s a massacre.
— Martin Saunders 🤦🏻♂️ (@martinsaunders) February 12, 2020
I’ve just realised I know someone who is on WhatsApp who has made their permanent status “typing” in italics and I think it’s the most solid proof of sadism I’ve ever seen.
— Dolly H Alderton (@dollyalderton) February 12, 2020
FYI @AmazonUK to turn off the children’s smart watches that I sent to senior management this morning whack the SIM card out. We bought them on your site and hacked them (very easily, worryingly) which is why I can track them and could sing to your bosses through them lol!!!🎤🤓
— Joe Lycett (@joelycett) February 12, 2020
A very important Venn diagram pic.twitter.com/MRVShONL2t
— Dave (@davechannel) February 12, 2020
I'll reiterate what I said at DMU last night. I'm told daily on twitter that I'm not nice enough, not vegan enough, not trans enough, not good enough. I never asked to be a role model. I represent nobody but myself. I do my best every single day with what I have. And I AM ENOUGH.
— 🌈👩🍳📚Jack Monroe (@BootstrapCook) February 12, 2020
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder! pic.twitter.com/k2eAyqSWvK
— The Cute Plug (@TheCutePlug) February 11, 2020
Alone on valentines tomorrow? Here is how to spend your day.
1: Buy 100s of plastic rings
2: Hide in the kitchen of a fancy restaurant
3: Put rings in glasses of champagne
4: Watch— Dave (@davechannel) February 13, 2020
Me need secret admirer to send me cookies…
— Cookie Monster (@MeCookieMonster) February 13, 2020
this is why Beyoncé won’t do press https://t.co/3PZT6ZLBqG
— nick grimshaw (@grimmers) February 9, 2020
After banning Man City from European competition for two years, UEFA says it considered doing the same to Man Utd but there was no point.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) February 14, 2020
Gender identity years ago was just called personality. We didn’t, luckily have such narrow stereotypes. We are regressing. And if gender is a spectrum so be it but sex is not! Its not changeable & it’s binary. We identify bodies 2000yrs old by DNA & bone structure. Nature. https://t.co/viDgrKAOVG
— Sharron Davies MBE (@sharrond62) February 14, 2020
Peter Crouch must be protected at all costs pic.twitter.com/ImM9OrssDr
— Chris Applegate (@chrisapplegate) February 14, 2020
Christian Songwriters’ favourite Bible verse: Psalm 96:1
Christian Songwriters’ least favourite Bible verse: Amos 5:23— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) February 11, 2020
how have I only just seen this? one of the greatest TV clips of all time pic.twitter.com/4bcUoPmLBz
— Tayler Willson (@tylrwllsn) February 1, 2019
Went to the ER because “my legs have turned blue and Web MD says I have deep vein thrombosis.”
Was this it? The big one?
No! I have the “dumbass who doesn’t wash his new jeans before wearing them” disease and I would like to be executed immediately.
— Mark (@MShrayber) January 25, 2020
When I was in middle school I sat my parents down to tell them I have cancer bc I had mysterious bruises all over my body. When they finally stopped laughing at me they explained that I sleep walk into a table every night.
— Karadelphia 🛵🚴🏻♂️🌾 (@KaraNextWeek) January 25, 2020
I thought I had diabetes one time. Every time I peed it would smell sweet. Excess sugar in the urine! Turns out my wife put an air freshener in our toilet…
— Joe Martin (@HsvBootCamp) January 26, 2020
For every WebMD entry there should also be a section that is called, "Maybe You Ain't Dyin'", with all the things that could safely be happening.
For instance, under "Peeing Blood", should be a question, "Did you just eat an shit-ton of beets?"
Because, yeah. Exciting! Whew! https://t.co/fEmpaR8gg6
— 🅺ɪʟᴛᴇᴅ 🅺ᴇɴ (@ken_gribble) January 27, 2020
When does noticing anything wrong here become a crime? pic.twitter.com/NFJh4ubwfH
— Schooley (@Rschooley) February 8, 2020
Alisson has now baptised more people in 2020 than he has conceded Premier League goals. #YNWA https://t.co/C6VPGaNcFS
— Andrew Wilson (@AJWTheology) February 6, 2020
Something I wrote in The Sunday Times a month ago. pic.twitter.com/rFVUtILSCw
— David Baddiel (@Baddiel) February 15, 2020
If a celebrity dies by suicide after a massive media onslaught this is manslaughter via the press. The media love ticking boxes and doing their mental health campaigns but fail to take any accountability when they impact people’s health.
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) February 15, 2020
I hope every troll – whether they troll for their own Twitter feed or for the Daily Mail or a gossip mag or whatever – takes pause and realise that when you repeatedly bully and abuse someone you are very likely to be impacting their health.
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) February 15, 2020
We need a massive cultural change. We need a revolution of kindness. We need a bit more bloody humanity. Fewer glass houses, fewer stones. Less judgement. More heart. We need an end to bullying and trolling and titillating gossip-mothering. It’s a bloody disgrace.
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) February 15, 2020
Might be an idea to ignore every inch of tabloid coverage of this horrible news. They profited from her life, they certainly don’t deserve to profit from her death. #Caroline
— chris o'dowd (@BigBoyler) February 15, 2020
View this post on InstagramWhy buy roses, when you can build them? 🌹
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https://www.instagram.com/p/B8f-RFADWOH/
View this post on Instagram#Cheesy #CheeseHotel #Cheese #ValentinesDay #Valentines #Hotel #CheeseAndWine #LadBaby
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View this post on InstagramLove is in the air. Who’s your favorite Pixar couple? #ValentinesDay
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View this post on InstagramA welcome gift on Valentine's Day? Stranger Things have happened.
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Anything to add...?