ineke.co.uk

Shouldn't Office 365 be called Office 366 during leap years?

— The Church IT (@TheChurchIT) February 24, 2020

The outpouring of online support for this bullied schoolboy – trolled by his schoolmates for liking books – shows that sometimes, just sometimes, social media good wipes the floor with the evil. What a lovely, uplifting story ❤️📚 https://t.co/ZHzr9HRuP2

— Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) March 1, 2020

Apparently the government is going to ask retired GPs to help out in a coronavirus pandemic. Those over 80, in which the mortality rate is highest, will be particularly attracted to this job opportunity.

— Dr Phil Hammond (@drphilhammond) March 1, 2020

I just have to hope that no one is going to school on World Book Day dressed as an episode from one of my books.

— Adam Kay (@amateuradam) March 1, 2020

The Chips Without Chips and the plain Cheese are distracting from the real problem here, which is that only ~9% of the possibilities listed under Fish & Chips are Fish & Chips, while >36% are neither fish nor chip pic.twitter.com/MPiLbP7uer

— Emma Manning (@EmmaSManning) February 29, 2020

The hardest thing about being an English person in California is working out how to open a conversation if there’s no point talking about the weather.

— Jojo Moyes (@jojomoyes) March 2, 2020

📞 Sounds like @rylan had a very unusual caller on his @BBCRadio2 show this weekend.

Can Matt Baker and @MissAlexJones help him track down the elusive Brett Maakiam? #TheOneShow pic.twitter.com/wyFGGbrhgK

— BBC The One Show (@BBCTheOneShow) March 2, 2020

I’m really fond of Americans in a lot of ways but when they committed to saying ‘I could care less’ for ‘I couldn’t care less’, it was inevitable their society would fall apart.

— Mark Watson (1980-present day) (@watsoncomedian) March 2, 2020

I let two Jehovah witnesses into my apartment today who I automatically thought were drug testers because they opened with “bet you weren’t expecting us”

— KJT (@JohnsonThompson) March 2, 2020

I’m deeply disturbed by how many people seem to see washing their hands as a new thing.

— Liz Buckley (@liz_buckley) March 2, 2020

If Tesla and Microsoft merge the name will be very long because ELONGATES

— David O'Doherty (@phlaimeaux) March 2, 2020

Options when not thanked for opening the door for someone:

1. Mutter “You’re welcome”
2. Shout “YOU’RE WELCOME”
3. Say “Don’t mention it”
4. Say nothing, but menacingly
5. Follow them with your eyes until they disappear from view
6. Remain at the door in furious silence for days

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) March 3, 2020

BREAKING: God’s patience with human race. https://t.co/TtxjkfQSU8

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) March 3, 2020

The Body and Blood of Christ. https://t.co/3xMiXJHKff

— Fergus Butler-Gallie (@_F_B_G_) March 2, 2020

Yeah, no, sorry. Not gonna do "My Corona."

— Al Yankovic (@alyankovic) March 3, 2020

If people ask me, what is Britain like in a crisis, I would simply show them this picture. https://t.co/4q7JzuyvYq

— Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran) March 3, 2020

For world book day this year, my daughters school sent them all home with a plain white t-shirt to decorate with their favourite book.

I love this idea because it cuts out the cost and consumerism of it all!

The Truth Pixie – @matthaig1 pic.twitter.com/uuOAc8XdER

— iz (@_izalldred) March 5, 2020

This is going to divide people! We've seen that M&S and Marmite have teamed up to bring out a Marmite Cream Cheese and a Marmite Butter. At £2.50 and £3 respectively, tell us: do you love it or hate it? pic.twitter.com/uRo6nweBZp

— Money Saving Expert (@MoneySavingExp) March 3, 2020

You know the song that goes: ‘Doe a deer a female deer’?

The last line: ‘Tea, a drink with jam and bread; and that brings us back to Doe-oh-oh.’

…that’s a pun about dough, right?

— James Harkin (@JamesHarkin) March 6, 2020

The name Hotmail was chosen because it contains the letters HTML, and was originally styled HoTMaiL.

— Quite Interesting Facts (@qikipedia) March 6, 2020

Mad to think one virus has done more in two months to get people to stop flying than millions of environmentalists have in two decades.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) March 6, 2020

Been round every supermarket trying to buy some panic. It’s all gone.

— Muriel Gray (@ArtyBagger) March 6, 2020

The single strong fixing that holds the body of a helicopter to its rotor is nicknamed the ‘Jesus nut’ because if the nut fails, Jesus is your only hope. [Credit: Alan Radecki] pic.twitter.com/uusJ3YmMEK

— Quite Interesting Facts (@qikipedia) March 7, 2020

My sister took this pic this morning of one of her dogs and it’s all you need to see. pic.twitter.com/0wHk04DWII

— Emma Jane Quinlan (@EmmaQuinlan) March 5, 2020

Boring side note:

Is the ‘joke’ two fold? Ie. You have them after you’ve eaten. AFTER we ‘ATE’/EIGHT?! Or dinner finishes AFTER EIGHT (8pm)?

Am I overthinking this?
I’m overthinking this.

— Greg James (@gregjames) March 7, 2020

I prefer getting ill the old-fashioned way, like as a surprise, without the global two month media build up and the Jaws suspense music playing in your head.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) March 7, 2020

Probably the best example I’ve ever seen of something being simultaneously awful and hilarious https://t.co/188mUbmaSI

— Sam Hailes ن (@samhailes) March 7, 2020

Video Of The Year😯 pic.twitter.com/8DBvXjIGPk

— Naturism.Com💎💎 (@NaturismC) February 24, 2020

Best hedge ever. pic.twitter.com/L4euGXtQof

— Barry (@scyrene) February 20, 2020

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this pic.twitter.com/Ok8qUO7eGa

— D.A.D.D.Y (@team_daddy) February 23, 2020

“It’s not important what famous people say… My opinion about corona, it's not important."

Liverpool manager Jürgen Klopp says only “people with knowledge should talk about” the novel coronavirus outbreak. pic.twitter.com/UwC9HrG7Em

— Channel 4 News (@Channel4News) March 4, 2020