ineke.co.uk

One of the advantages of the lockdown is that the mother is finally getting to the bottom of her giant chest freezer.

Behold: 25 year old puff pastry. pic.twitter.com/lyIArR7d0V

— Michael Patrick (@micktheejit) May 9, 2020

People : Everyone taking pictures of their food is the worst modern trend.

Painters 500 years ago pic.twitter.com/5pVqCju7B0

— INTERNET (@InternetSyok) December 23, 2019

There were 9 people at my dad's funeral.
We had to sit 2 metres apart.
We couldn't hug or comfort each other when we cried.
My grandad had to watch his first born son's funeral via a video link.
We weren't allowed to have a wake afterwards.https://t.co/mTfN7QBM8e

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) May 9, 2020

We don't talk enough about the fact that "WhatsApp" is a truly terrible pun.

— Chris Smith (@itschrissmith) May 9, 2020

I’m finally getting some decent results producing 100%-edible iridescent tempered chocolate. The colors are from the chocolate (not any ingredient or coating) diffracting light after being forcefully molded onto a diffraction grating in vacuum. pic.twitter.com/6wpbsIKh5C

— samy k͓͓͓͓͓͓͓͓͓͓͓͓͓͓͓͓͓͓͓amkar͛͛͛͛͛͛͛͛͛͛͛͛͛͛͛͛͛͛͛͛ (@samykamkar) May 9, 2020

Eight weeks ago, @cat_nolan and I made a difficult decision for her and Francesca to move out due to the COVID risk I was bringing home.
My greatest fear at that time was missing Francesca’s first birthday 1/11 pic.twitter.com/FPKVQwsyxC

— Rory Nolan (@RXNolan) May 9, 2020

Stay home, protect the NHS = I should stay at home to protect the NHS.

Stay alert, control the virus = I should… drink lots of coffee? Stay awake in case it breaks in? Somehow communicate to the microscopic virus particles that they shouldn’t approach me?

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) May 10, 2020

OK totally ridiculously minor comment. But as a numbers geek, I did find launching a discrete scale of 1 to 5, then immediately saying we're at a 3.5 frustrating. We could've done a 1 to 10 and said we're now at 7.

— Martin Lewis (@MartinSLewis) May 10, 2020

So are we allowed to go to sleep tonight or not? #stayalert

— Shaparak Khorsandi شاپرک خرسندی (@ShappiKhorsandi) May 10, 2020

70% of the world’s population don’t use toilet paper.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) May 10, 2020

My timeline is full of people trying to work out what Boris Johnson announced and coming up with a wide range of answers. This is not good.

— Maeve Sherlock (@MaeveSherlock) May 10, 2020

So #BorisSpeech created a 5 stage COVID alert system, didn't tell us what 3 of the stages meant, and then put us in an unnamed position between 2 unnamed stages.

Crystal clear messaging as always. pic.twitter.com/hE5ra6D62N

— Gordon Crawford (@Gordon_HC) May 10, 2020

BREAKING: Confused dot com has biggest spike in website traffic in the history of the website

— U&Dave (@davechannel) May 11, 2020

GCSE maths questions in 2021 are going to be weird.

If Steve and Katy meet in a park on a Tuesday, and then Steve meets Darren in the park on Wednesday, washes his hands 23 times between and visits the mcdonalds drive thru 16 times how alert on a scale of 1-5 was he?

— U&Dave (@davechannel) May 12, 2020

85% of Brits like having something to complain about.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) May 13, 2020

Now we’re all allowed to do unlimited exercise, we’ve developed an intense full body workout plan:

LEGS: Walk to the fridge

ARMS: Open fridge

NECK: Look around fridge

SIX PACK: Grab a six pack of something

ARMS: Close fridge

LEGS: Walk back to lounge

Perform 3 reps an hour

— innocent drinks (@innocent) May 13, 2020

Interesting having someone opposite Boris Johnson who's got a real eye for evidence and detail, what with those two things being Kryptonite to blusterers, narcissists and fantasists. https://t.co/AJXFRjD72b

— David Baddiel (@Baddiel) May 13, 2020

PMQ seems a more workable format without two hundred people making noises like farm animals.

— Mark Watson, still here but very much also Bluesky (@watsoncomedian) May 13, 2020

Week 1 of lockdown: "Must only order essentials to be delivered"

Week 9 of lockdown: "This £600 realistic Star Wars stormtrooper costume could be classified as essential"

— U&Dave (@davechannel) May 13, 2020

When does the jogging end… surely they must be getting close to declaring a winner

— bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) May 13, 2020

“Could do!” – The most optimistic way of saying “no”

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) May 13, 2020

I understand nada about economics…. but can someone explain why, if EVERYWHERE will be in recession, we can’t make some new money to pump up every country’s economy?
Money is man made.

— Dawn French 💙🔴🏳️‍🌈🇺🇦🇵🇸 (@Dawn_French) May 13, 2020

We could all use a good laugh! 😂 pic.twitter.com/DgqBctdQrZ

— People (@people) May 12, 2020

We’ve got such a culture of never admitting you’re wrong/never being allowed to be wrong. ‘The Tesco guy said the Contactless limit was £25. But in a HUMILIATING U-TURN he later admitted it was thirty.’

— Mark Watson, still here but very much also Bluesky (@watsoncomedian) May 14, 2020

The name babybel suggests the existence of motherbels and daddybels and lockdown is going great thanks for asking

— U&Dave (@davechannel) May 15, 2020

Knowin there is a banana in my desk drawer in work, which has been there since a week before lockdown is makin me feel anxious.

— ML (@mlcoolj2) May 12, 2020

Lucozade is trending, so I’d just like to say that I still absolutely stand by the fact that you can roughly determine the age of someone by whether they see Lucozade as a sport energy drink or something their mum let them have as a kid when they were poorly.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) May 15, 2020

Both Canada and Denmark claim Hans Island. Periodically, each country will send an expedition, replace the other country's flag with their own, and leave a bottle of alcohol for the next visitors. (Canada favors Canadian Club, Denmark schnapps; photo by Toubletap.) pic.twitter.com/gmwiZR7LWy

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) May 15, 2020

https://t.co/qo53Qkndbg pic.twitter.com/QeMVIE6idw

— Southampton FC (@SouthamptonFC) May 15, 2020

Fun German fact of the day!
GN8 is text-speak for Gute Nacht!
8 = acht

— Evan Edinger (@EvanEdinger) May 15, 2020

There's never been an easier time to go to church.
My piece for the @thetimes today. pic.twitter.com/IGI8eFlE6n

— Dr Krish Kandiah OBE (@krishk) May 9, 2020

A new low: Pulling a prank on essential workers in the middle of a global pandemic. And making essential workers clean up your mess. Despicable. https://t.co/hMu8g5cJY9

— MTA (@MTA) May 13, 2020

Cats: rubbish at sharing https://t.co/sJYDzguB1L

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) May 15, 2020

REST OF WORLD: SATURDAY

EUROPE AND AUSTRALIA: pic.twitter.com/Tgz3Dku91B

— BBC Eurovision (@bbceurovision) May 16, 2020