ineke.co.uk

Today in totally unsurprising news 🙄🙄 (though as @ruskin147 points out, this pic is misleading as you're not giving your details when you scan an NHS code). https://t.co/A7KyrVXvnr

— Kate Bevan is still at home (@katebevan) October 11, 2020

Alan Partridge couldn’t have pulled this off better … https://t.co/gbLlY8LNF0

— William Crawley (@williamcrawley) October 11, 2020

This is interesting !! 👀 #oneruleforthem https://t.co/XtXbq1l8VO

— Andy Hammond (@andyh2602) October 11, 2020

From the @nytimes pic.twitter.com/9JGIXBp6Iq

— Jonathan Freedland (@Freedland) October 11, 2020

25 deaths 42,760 deaths pic.twitter.com/LNgK35rf2e

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 11, 2020

You are never too big to make someone's day with a little gesture…

Hope this brings a smile… pic.twitter.com/makyoBWo5n

— Avinash Kaushik (@avinash) October 10, 2020

The Schumacher Family on @LewisHamilton winning his 91st GP, equalling Michael’s record: Big congrats, an impressive achievement of a great driver. We cannot deny we would have loved for Michael to hold those records, but as he always used to say: records are there to be broken. pic.twitter.com/xDRhVp5HVf

— Michael Schumacher (@schumacher) October 11, 2020

When you don’t learn from your mistakes. pic.twitter.com/cn64TRU1gQ

— You Had One Job! (@_youhadonejob1) October 11, 2020

When the moon is at its furthest distance from the Earth in orbit, there’s enough space between the two to fit in all the other planets in our solar system. And Pluto.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) October 11, 2020

Good morning to everyone except the person who decided it would be a good idea to put raisins in Coronation Chicken.

— The Poke (@ThePoke) October 12, 2020

A balloon’s pop is caused by the rubber shrinking faster than the speed of sound.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) October 12, 2020

Exclusive first look at Boris Johnson's simple three-tier COVID-19 traffic light system. pic.twitter.com/PbTXemjgjv

— Adam Kay (@amateuradam) October 11, 2020

Breaking: England to get new 3 tier warning system. If previous warning systems are anything to go by, it will be confusing, not work and change in 3 weeks.

— Dave (@davechannel) October 12, 2020

When I "panicked" with Coronavirus, I did not run out and get on a train. I did not lose my character.

Ferrier and Cummings didn't lose their characters either. They revealed them.

— Dominic Minghella (@DMinghella) October 11, 2020

According to new research from the University of Bath, politicians who lie more often are more likely to win their elections.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) October 12, 2020

Days since WHO said "test, test, test": 210

Days since PM promised world-beating track & trace: 144

Days since he promised all test results in 24 hrs: 112

Test results in 24 hrs: 25.7%

Days when test & trace has done its job: 0

If only we knew why we're locking down again.

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) October 12, 2020

You spelled "cupboard" wrong.

— Yorkshire Tea (@YorkshireTea) October 1, 2020

Just learnt Greater Manchester will be placed into tier 2 restrictions via twitter. Apparently there was a government briefing for GM MPs but I can’t provide details because I wasn’t invited. I suspect this is because they don’t know where Wigan is. What an absolute shambles

— Lisa Nandy (@lisanandy) October 12, 2020

Yessss (via @gregbirks) pic.twitter.com/bDkjbFN1VJ

— stevefurst (@stevefurst) October 12, 2020

I have a love-hate relationship with Twitter. But when I open it tonight and see "Thanks PM" trending I only have love and respect for all Tweeters.

— Kerry Thomas (@kerryanna2709) October 12, 2020

Normal PowerPoint guy not available. Has been sent on £150,000 MS Paint course, delivered by Serco. #covidbriefing

— Shane Rae (@shane_r) October 12, 2020

I hate all this “next slide please” nonsense. A bluetooth PowerPoint clicker would be £12 on amazon and then they could do it themselves. Plus the person pressing the button seems to be too trigger happy with poor Chris Whitty

— Paul Blanchard (@paulwrblanchard) October 12, 2020

Give. Whitty. A. Slide. Clicker!

— Prof Adam Hart 🦏 (@AdamHartScience) October 12, 2020

This is the question I have wanted answered ever since I first watched 10 Things I Hate About You… https://t.co/hAcUJ8WzO7 pic.twitter.com/BPSSWmieAc

— Anne Miller (@miller_anne) October 12, 2020

So there is confusion over what to call the physical gatherings of the church while online services are still happening. "Live" implies the online version isn't; "physical" or "embodied" meetings sound creepy.

My suggestion: Live In-Person Services, or LIPS for short.😀

— Andrew Wilson (@AJWTheology) October 13, 2020

Ballet's at least twice as good as 'cyber' anyway. Cyber's all zeros and ones, whereas ballet's all about the tutu.

— Paul Kerensa (@paulkerensa) October 13, 2020

In honour of chocolate week we are starting a very important petition. #GBBO pic.twitter.com/LqVZKxcg2r

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 13, 2020

Yes, yes you can.https://t.co/cBoM6coy7u

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 13, 2020

Brilliant. pic.twitter.com/oN2KZPYcjL

— You Had One Job! (@_youhadonejob1) October 13, 2020

Alternate chocolate week technical challenges:

Nibble all the chocolate off a Kit Kat without breaking the wafer

Eat a Flake without it flaking

Play a game of Scrabble using M&Ms

Make a fun-sized bar that is actually fun and not just far too small#GBBO

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 13, 2020

What a year. #GBBO pic.twitter.com/8EPBnUcj1P

— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) October 13, 2020

How it started How it’s going pic.twitter.com/K2rfeqihmQ

— SomeTimesImFunny (@SomeTimesImFun2) October 13, 2020

My PhD supervisor brought a whole box of transparent masks so I could lipread – completely unprompted. I'm crying – inclusivity done right pic.twitter.com/NetDpb5keG

— Alex Lu (@alexijielu) October 13, 2020

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) October 13, 2020

Just thought ‘oh shut up a minute everyone’ and then remembered it’s not compulsory to read this site.

— Mark Watson, always banging on about this novel (@watsoncomedian) October 13, 2020

This is what happens when you tell Fatima to stop ballet https://t.co/Xqof8S5QId

— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) October 13, 2020

On the money again Isabel pic.twitter.com/X5QPPYrXio

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 9, 2020

Who to trust, the scientists who say a further lockdown will slow the spread of the virus (like last time) or the person who just three days ago cited the expertise of Dr Johnny Bananas and Dr Person Fakename https://t.co/fcY3E5cFu8

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 13, 2020

Next Slide Please. I didn’t get Chris Whitty in the secret Santa but on behalf of the nation I’ve ordered a clicker for Downing Street #NextSlidePlease pic.twitter.com/Q8LaJN7mMG

— Josh Peverley (@joshpeverley) October 12, 2020

The Venn diagram of people who wear facemasks under their nose and people who have their keyboard clicks on their phone in the quiet carriage is a circle.

— Dave (@davechannel) October 14, 2020

I wonder how far Captain Tom would have to walk to raise enough money for a decent track and trace system?

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) October 14, 2020

Hate the way the government use Captain Tom Moore as their mascot when he wouldn’t have needed to raise that money if they hadn’t so badly underfunded the NHS.

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) October 14, 2020

Two kids locally were tested for Covid.
One positive, one negative.
Only Serco got the tests muddled up.
No idea which child was which.
So – yes – that's TWO entire classes now self-isolating.

It takes really *special* skills to earn £7000 a day, folks. https://t.co/o79I1FFXIZ

— Rachel Clarke (@doctor_oxford) October 14, 2020

For those of you watching with children, or prefer the show without the naughty words, there will be a PG version of #Taskmaster on E4, airing on Sunday afternoons.

Episode 1 will be on at 5.45pm with the rest of Series 10 on at 6pm.

— Taskmaster (@taskmaster) October 15, 2020

The eight longest monosyllabic words in English all begin with the letter S – scraunched, strengthed, scratched, screeched, scrounged, squelched, straights, and strengths.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) October 15, 2020

I'm so happy I did a series of #Taskmaster. Firstly because it's such a funny, clever show made by incredibly nice, talented people. And secondly because it means I don't have to do it again, and instead can just watch the joy unfold from my sofa. Good luck to this year's gang!

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) October 15, 2020

My heart goes out 100% to Londoners facing the difficulty of living with tier 2 rules but to those ‘national’ journalists who have just discovered these rules are difficult and confusing, how on earth did you miss that millions of us have been living with them for months?

— Lisa Nandy (@lisanandy) October 15, 2020

Not going outside very much at the moment? Think you can avoid seeing our super smoothie billboards? Think again. pic.twitter.com/6bT3dHeiqj

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 16, 2020

Already looking forward to losing this to 'Dickinson's Real Deal'. https://t.co/uZVKzjdO0m

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) October 16, 2020

Several animals can regenerate lost limbs, but the severed limb of some sea star species (the creature formerly known as a starfish) can grow a whole new body.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) October 16, 2020

Perfect time to start inviting people over dinner, knowing that they're not allowed to say yes.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) October 16, 2020

0 DAYS WITHOUT A MAGNET-BASED INCIDENT

We've accidentally sent someone 700 fridge magnets and it’s all over TikTok and now we have been inundated with more magnet-based requests than we can shake a pole at. (That’s a magnet joke.)

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 16, 2020

Jürgen Klopp's personal letter to an 11 year old child who wrote to him about his stress and anxiety over starting secondary school this September gone.

He is much more than just our manager. 👏 #LFC pic.twitter.com/qqgddokfp3

— LFC Transfer Room (@LFCTransferRoom) October 11, 2020

Plot twist.

This is the Twitter content I’m here for… pic.twitter.com/LIb336rUwR

— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) October 14, 2020

Video message from Sir Cliff on his 80th Birthday. #CliffRichard pic.twitter.com/0KW1CC9ivd

— Cliff Richard News (@SirCliffNews) October 14, 2020

*Per management: 🚨 You cannot STACK a +2 on a +2 🚨

Go ahead, roast us.

— UNO (@realUNOgame) October 8, 2020

Video message from Sir Cliff on his 80th Birthday. #CliffRichard pic.twitter.com/0KW1CC9ivd

— Cliff Richard News (@SirCliffNews) October 14, 2020

monk: just a normal letter ‘M’ please

scribe: pic.twitter.com/eGwKTb9mDZ

— ruby 🐊 (@roobeekeane) June 21, 2020

To all the UK folks and others around the world, HBO Max has relayed me that they are working on finding a way for you all to see this special. @hbomax @WhenWeAllVote #WestWing https://t.co/3Ae5uAYEwH

— Richard Schiff (@Richard_Schiff) October 15, 2020

It was already announced and he did not win https://t.co/Mdsnrl0X2i

— Blake News (@blakehounshell) October 16, 2020

STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING IMMEDIATELY….this tiny cow has something VERY important to say. pic.twitter.com/pqw84GrpNh

— Emma Dolan (@JustMissEmma) September 15, 2020