ineke.co.uk

Oh I do hope he’s not in trouble *sucks teeth* https://t.co/eCMkOeyTpO

— Emma Kennedy (@EmmaKennedy) October 24, 2020

Etiquette question. When someone chain-sneezes, what's the appropriate time to say "bless you?"

— Matt Reed (@deandad) October 24, 2020

there is no narrative reason why Antz (1998) is spelled with a “z.” they just did not believe the movie was able to carry itself had it been named “Ants.”

— 𝘋𝘈𝘙𝘊𝘐𝘌 𝘞𝘐𝘓𝘋𝘌𝘙 (@333333333433333) October 24, 2020

So lovely to not have any pantomime booing this year #Strictly2020

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) October 24, 2020

Getting ready to carve my Halloween pumpkin! This is definitely the scariest thing I can think of… pic.twitter.com/SQSdWJoSuT

— Dan Beasley-Harling (@DBeasleyHarling) October 24, 2020

Ok, Channel 4 + 1 is now Channel 4.

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) October 25, 2020

Beginning to think all MPs should have to undergo a periodic month-long work placement in a shop, factory, bar, restaurant, distribution centre, hospital etc. so they can get a sliver of insight into the real world that clearly eludes so many of them

— CARPET (@WHS_Carpet) October 25, 2020

My MP had blocked me!! You can see the tweets I’ve sent today. I had definitely challenged her but I am so saddened that an MP would block a constituent for challenging them. pic.twitter.com/uCqAeSPKIu

— becca Bell (@Beccabell05) October 23, 2020

An estimated one in every seven Google searches has never been searched for before.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) October 25, 2020

one of favourite conspiracy theories, and indeed the only one i enjoy, is fake melania https://t.co/Y7pi6PT09W

— Hannah Jane Parkinson (@ladyhaja) October 24, 2020

Can’t believe it. https://t.co/u7VQtK0I5j

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) October 25, 2020

Pros and Cons of it getting dark earlier

Pros:
– Vampires get longer working days
– The Moon gets its time to shine
– Much easier to catch owls

Cons:
– Miserable
– Hate it
– Owls everywhere

— Dave (@davechannel) October 25, 2020

‘Is it lentil dal?’ What sort of question is that? Lentil is dal and dal is lentil!!!!!! 🤦🏻‍♀️ #GBBO

— Chetna Makan (@chetnamakan) October 27, 2020

Paul: "Your sesame seeds aren't completely identical"

Mark: "That's because I marked your specially-made gherkin free bun so we could tell it apart"

Paul: "Not good enough."#GBBO

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 27, 2020

Would you like to star in a romantic comedy again? pic.twitter.com/RvKuCzy8RG

— HBO (@HBO) October 26, 2020

Laura: "I'm making an upside down upside down pineapple cake"

Us: "So, a right way up pineapple cake?"

Laura: "No."#GBBO

— innocent drinks (@innocent) October 27, 2020

This is like receiving a “sorry about your nan” card from Harold Shipman https://t.co/6BnJRN2IKE

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 27, 2020

Caroline Quentin crying about #Strictly is all of us. pic.twitter.com/8MJ0iiq6Z7

— BBC Strictly ✨ (@bbcstrictly) October 24, 2020

There’s so much bad stuff going on in the world right now that people who are getting angry that Woolworths isn’t actually reopening should really pick n mix their battles more wisely.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) October 27, 2020

In Elizabethan England, the word 'Nothing' was slang for female genitalia. The title of the Shakespeare play 'Much Ado About Nothing' is a double entendre.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) October 29, 2020

Now might be a good time to get out of the habit of referring to all this as “2020”. It’s not going to magically go away and be fine again on the 1st of January.

— Jay Foreman (@jayforeman) October 29, 2020

Has anyone ever seen a credit card reader where the order of the numbers on the keypad changes every time you use it? I recently had one, and couldn’t pay as I remember my PIN as a pattern not a number

Interested how effective it is and how common. It’s a tough thing to google

— James S Pumpkins (@JamesHarkin) October 29, 2020

Absolutely the least of the problems with Priti Patel, of course, but – I genuinely can't work out which leg is her left and which is the right in this photo. pic.twitter.com/rkzl0sKS0j

— Nick Pettigrew (@Nick_Pettigrew) October 30, 2020

I know it’s well documented that Dominic Cummings has said in the past that he hates the Tories, but honestly, if you told me his main aim at this point is simply to destroy them altogether I would believe you. Perhaps there’s no plan because that’s the plan? *tips tin foil hat*

— Katy Brand (@KatyFBrand) October 30, 2020

I really feel like we could do with hearing from our government on a daily basis again.

— Danny Wallace (@dannywallace) October 30, 2020

Current tariff on soy sauce = 0%
Tariff under new deal = 0%
In other words, the best we can manage right now is to brag about standing still. https://t.co/EPiqDq9qRC

— Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) October 27, 2020

You know we’re in trouble when…

– You realise this tweet is from the actual Gov trade account

– Praising the Japan deal because it covers soy sauce

– Which we already get at a 0% tariff via EU

– They spell it SOYA https://t.co/ZTE3hYl5dr

— Marina Purkiss (@MarinaNigrelli) October 28, 2020

Oh. My. Days. https://t.co/HGNG6COaIm

— Richard Osman (@richardosman) October 30, 2020

Clapping. Badges. Some award. Anything that isn't the pay rise that they deserve then you permanently bamboozled haystack sausage explosion. https://t.co/XgIAzevDh8

— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) October 30, 2020

sources tell me the conference is late as Dominic has given himself a nosebleed thinking about an alternative word for ‘lockdown’

— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) October 31, 2020

If Boris had only done this a month ago he could’ve called it locktober

— Glenn Wool (@GlennWool) October 31, 2020

It strikes me that a govt that says it’s making an important announcement at 4, then changes it to 5 then changes it to 6.30 doesn’t know its arse from its elbow.

— Emma Kennedy (@EmmaKennedy) October 31, 2020

Robert Peston is now the Prime Minister and we are learning about imminent life-affecting decisions via his Twitter feed.

No offence to Robert (who is doing his job as a good journalist) but this is no way to run a country at any time, let alone during a crisis. https://t.co/bUCN1wGEsC

— Wes Streeting MP (@wesstreeting) October 31, 2020

Well we know he’s not brushing his hair

— Ed Gamble (@EdGambleComedy) October 31, 2020

FWIW, Downing St would prefer that the month-long new national measures for England, as listed below, are neither called “a lockdown” or “tier 4”. They see them as “tough new national measures” with “exit back to regional tiers”. I thought you’d want to know https://t.co/Oqnra9tlo5

— Robert Peston (@Peston) October 31, 2020

Where we’re at:

A government that dithered and delayed on the second lockdown after dithering and delaying on the first lockdown is now dithering and delaying on the press conference to announce an end to the dither and delay on lockdown.

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) October 31, 2020

I’d have happily helped jazz up this PowerPoint for them. I could use the work.

— Dave Gorman (@DaveGorman) October 31, 2020

Oh that’s good to know if my house is on my fire I can leave.

— Gabby Logan (@GabbyLogan) October 31, 2020

Bold choice of Boris Johnson to open with a long fucking list of reasons why he should have locked down earlier

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 31, 2020

My wife certainly could, I'm quite slow at it https://t.co/WakvzoeBeS

— Ed (@Statistitching) October 31, 2020

Love that @BBCOne have just bunged him off for #Strictly

— Emma Kennedy (@EmmaKennedy) October 31, 2020

An appalling, shambolic announcement. The worst PM performance I’ve seen.

Every slide clearly showed this trend began and was predicted at the beginning of September. And ignored.

Once again he promises unfounded optimism – a window into his fantasy world

— Peter Kyle MP (@peterkyle) October 31, 2020

Just three shopping days till Christmas!

— John Archer (@TheArchini) October 31, 2020

Marcus Rashford would have started a press conference on time.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) October 31, 2020

Can someone track and trace Boris Johnson? #lockdown2

— Prince Charles (@Charles_HRH) October 31, 2020

Me when it was announced there was to be a government press conference
vs
Me still waiting for the press conference pic.twitter.com/EF67Sj8wm3

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) October 31, 2020

THIS https://t.co/2klS4fWZHs

— Sue Perkins (@sueperkins) October 31, 2020