Plants being dramatic.
Illustrating how COVID19 spreads in the air.
Tried teaching my kids some Roman history… I'm not allowed to do the homeschooling anymore pic.twitter.com/ydnkaA95oJ
— The Dad (@thedad) August 31, 2020
An appalling, shambolic announcement. The worst PM performance I’ve seen.
Every slide clearly showed this trend began and was predicted at the beginning of September. And ignored.
Once again he promises unfounded optimism – a window into his fantasy world
— Peter Kyle MP (@peterkyle) October 31, 2020
All I can offer at this time is more dog nonsense. pic.twitter.com/NiUMbVxUjG
— Andrew Cotter (@MrAndrewCotter) October 31, 2020
As 20:20 vision has been proven rubbish (since nobody could have predicted the events of 2020), it should be proposed that 20:20 vision be renamed 30:30 vision #Manicfesto
— Ben Tucker (@tuckerb93) October 31, 2020
May 2021 – UK still coming to terms with new 17-tier system. Groups of one banned in London. Residents in South Yorkshire prohibited from seeing their reflection.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) October 30, 2020
We need this everywhere. https://t.co/KtnogYw8dc
— Emma Kennedy (@EmmaKennedy) October 31, 2020
In March, they could have saved 20,000 lives by locking down 1 week earlier.
This time, to be really sure they defend their title of worst Covid response in Europe, our Groundhog government has left it 6 weeks too late.
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) October 31, 2020
Kate Bingham, heads Britain’s vaccine task force. No experience in that area. She’s a venture capitalist. Married to a Tory minister. Dido Harding leads Test & Trace. No experience in that area. Married to a Tory MP. Mike Coupe, head of COVID testing. No experience etc etc etc
— Stephen Mangan (@StephenMangan) November 1, 2020
The fact Matt Hancock’s pal Dido Harding is still in place after the £12bn Test & Trace catastrofuck and has even been promoted to head up the new health institute should be of great interest to the PM’s Anti-Corruption Champion who is – *checks notes* – Dido Harding’s husband.
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) November 1, 2020
Sorry I don’t actually know the presenter’s name on the BBC1 news right now but shes done an amazing job driving this programme since 5pm & deserves a medal or at least a strong G&T the minute she’s off air.
— sara cox (@sarajcox) October 31, 2020
When people endlessly tweet at the PM or Gove I wonder if it’s 100% a rhetorical point or if they actually believe the guy glances at his phone and goes ‘shit, Tom’s cross with me again.’
— Mark Watson, much less in your face this week (@watsoncomedian) November 1, 2020
I reckon the venn diagram of people who are #panicbuying and, those who refuse to wear a mask, is a circle
— Jack Duncan🔻 (@JackDunc1) November 1, 2020
Seems like a good time to roll out this helpful toilet roll calculator so you can see how little you actually need.#panicbuying #Lockdown2 https://t.co/N3Cl46JnGV
— East of Dulwich (@East_of_Dulwich) October 31, 2020
We are glad the @BBC has removed the Pistorius documentary trailer. We were shocked that the victim, Reeva Steenkamp, was not named. The trailer also suggests the tragedy is the loss of a man's career.
The real tragedy is that a woman's life was ended.https://t.co/pqj8LCve2g
— Women's Aid (@womensaid) October 28, 2020
BREAKING: Prime Minister to announce first 10 people to get to Barnard Castle will be exempt from Lockdown 2.
— Dave (@davechannel) October 31, 2020
There are more grains of sand on Earth than there are winners of The Apprentice.
— Underwhelming Facts (@QuiteWhelming) November 1, 2020
FUN FACT
This tweet should have been sent 5 weeks ago. 👇 https://t.co/afEFP0vN9q— David Schneider (@davidschneider) November 1, 2020
It's nice up here 😅 pic.twitter.com/H30ROSypav
— Southampton FC (@SouthamptonFC) November 1, 2020
If you’ve missed out on loo roll during the #panicbuying, my book comes out this Thursday. https://t.co/69yMs3vOz5
— James Blunt (@JamesBlunt) November 1, 2020
I really wish the UK had just closed its borders like Australia and New Zealand did as that was a pretty sure fire way to deal with the pandemic.
— Evan Edinger (@EvanEdinger) November 1, 2020
The road to the IKEA in Valladolid, Spain is "Calle Me Falta un Tornillo" – "I’m Missing a Screw Street".
(Image: Google Maps.) pic.twitter.com/FEP40tRy9x
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) November 1, 2020
Prince William reveals he contracted coronavirus in April, having been informed by test and trace over the weekend.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) November 2, 2020
Someone should tell them. 😂 pic.twitter.com/tWxBSaMtaV
— You Had One Job! (@_youhadonejob1) November 2, 2020
We all need a bit of a lift today…
…so here’s @BBCSimonMcCoy with another excellent one-liner pic.twitter.com/ZVtKX1qKTS
— Scott Bryan (@scottygb) November 2, 2020
The plumber serviced the boiler today & he found a dead mouse in it.
I said "Oh no, will it need a new mouse?"
He looked at me like I was fucking mental— joe heenan (@joeheenan) November 2, 2020
Boris Johnson to address Commons on new lockdown measures at 3:30pm. MPs advised to arrive no later than 5 for prompt 7pm start.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) November 2, 2020
— MATT LUCAS (@RealMattLucas) October 31, 2020
Reality is the leading cause of stress. JANE WAGNER
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) November 3, 2020
Some football matches are now filmed with AI-powered cameras designed to track the ball during play. Much to the annoyance of viewers, during the recent Inverness Caledonian Thistle vs Ayr United match one camera kept confusing the ball with a bald-headed linesman.
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) November 3, 2020
Will never forget Lee Mack telling @Herring1967 about the time he went on Pointless with Bobby Ball pic.twitter.com/b0R3tioWrI
— Sophie Davies (@ItsSophieDavies) October 29, 2020
So we’re freaked out. I bought a pair of branded spec frames. They arrived yesterday. Today, my wife, who didn’t know I was getting the specsand has never heard of the brand, started getting ads for those specs on her phone.
What voodoo is this?
— Emma Kennedy (@EmmaKennedy) November 3, 2020
Side note. Make America Great Again really doesn’t work logically as a slogan when you are actually the president.
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) November 3, 2020
Spending the couple of days before lockdown doing exactly what you’ll be doing in lockdown.
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) November 2, 2020
New rapid Covid tests could give results in just 15 minutes, allowing them to get lost in the track and trace system almost immediately.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) November 3, 2020
Brilliantly done. https://t.co/Tms6RoWdM7
— Dara Ó Briain (@daraobriain) November 3, 2020
UK facing ‘medical and moral disaster’ says No 10, or ‘Matt and Boris’ as most people call them.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) November 3, 2020
Garden centres to remain open during lockdown, as they’re famously quiet in the run-up to Christmas and mainly attract young people.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) November 3, 2020
could the 2020 writers just go on a break for FIVE MINUTES https://t.co/xcIrDHCzbc
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) November 3, 2020
Lovely line in today’s Times for CS Lewis fans about how “this miserable year rolls into Covember and a Narnian future in which it is always winter and never Christmas” 👏#CSLewis #Narnia
— Gail Walker (@GWalker9) November 3, 2020
We're down to seven minutes of sunlight a day, there's a second lockdown looming, and America is being VERY America. If tonight’s episode of Bake Off could be approximately four months long, that would be splendid. #GBBO
— innocent drinks (@innocent) November 3, 2020
Anxiety happens when we feel out of control. That is why this whole year has been an anxiety hurricane. One relief is to do things you can control. Make a cake. Change your name. Design a new cocktail. Create an imaginary kingdom under the duvet and hide there for seventeen days.
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) November 3, 2020
Dave is adding scrambled egg to his quiche, which is apparently VERY controversial. Here we were thinking every quiche had scrambled egg…#GBBO
— innocent drinks (@innocent) November 3, 2020
Bake Off: "It's a hot day"
Us: "Okay, well it's raining here"
Bake Off: "Absolutely sweltering"
Us: "We've had nothing but grey for three weeks"
Bake Off: "Hottest day of the year"
Us: "STOP RUBBING IT IN"#GBBO
— innocent drinks (@innocent) November 3, 2020
Remember, what ever happens in America tonight, and whoever is elected, they will still say math when they should be saying maths.
— Dave (@davechannel) November 3, 2020
Who’s absolutely buzzing that they went to bed at 11pm and didn’t stay up all night to see no one win the US election. 😂😂🙋🏼♂️
— Rob Beckett (@robbeckettcomic) November 4, 2020
Who could have possibly predicted what would happen in the US election? Paul Merton, apparently… pic.twitter.com/TIk4amjexm
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) November 4, 2020
Maybe they should just declare it a tie and co-president. Can’t see a problem with that.
— David Baddiel (@Baddiel) November 4, 2020
Eric from the cricket club came to see me a while ago. “I think I love Lizzie but she’s emigrated to Australia. What should I do?” “You know what to do,” he flew to Sydney, missing a critical United away game. We fitted the wedding in today, last service before lockdown. pic.twitter.com/hhsHghHWbp
— Richard Coles (@RevRichardColes) November 4, 2020
Reality check:
A day when the news (I think rightly) only reports that almost all of England’s pubs, restaurants+shops are CLOSING tomorrow… 19mins into the programme.
19 minutes!
It’s practically “And finally… everything’s shut.”
Where’s a cat up a tree when you need it? pic.twitter.com/4gPX1RQO0E— Paul Kerensa (@paulkerensa) November 4, 2020
Previews of upcoming films were originally shown after the main feature, hence the name 'trailers'.
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) November 5, 2020
How do you even begin to defend chanting “stop the count!” where you think you might lose and “count that vote!” where you think you might win? https://t.co/LbSFYCtpBn
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) November 5, 2020
The inventor of the automatic bread slicer took fifteen years to sell the patent. The main reason given was ‘Americans aren’t that lazy’.
— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) November 5, 2020
It’d be weird if November 5th became celebrated in the US as well as the UK as the day when a maniac tried to destroy the legitimate government.
— Moose Allain Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) November 5, 2020
To make progress, we have to stop treating our opponents as enemies. We are not enemies.
— Joe Biden (@JoeBiden) November 4, 2020
Amen. I can agree to pray this with you @Franklin_Graham.🙏 https://t.co/PoJISJEUGq
— Shane Claiborne (@ShaneClaiborne) November 4, 2020
If you feel delight when a brother or sister from a different Christian tradition to yours messes up, then you probably would have made an excellent Pharisee. Whatever happens, we're still family.
— Martin Saunders 🤦🏻♂️ (@martinsaunders) November 5, 2020
I feel a 2021 Calendar coming on. Submissions now open for awkward Bible verses needing arty graphical representation…. over to you Twitter… https://t.co/k33fGiTmBx
— Phil Knox (@philknox) November 5, 2020
After much in-depth scientific research, we have come to the conclusion that sparklers are actually a bit boring.
We will not be accepting feedback at this time. #BonfireNight pic.twitter.com/GkFwtDHnWA
— innocent drinks (@innocent) November 5, 2020
Tilly Christmas and Keiran White, from Bridport, Dorset married in Bath on Tuesday https://t.co/s0y3hqtBHC
— HuffPost UK (@HuffPostUK) November 5, 2020
When Jesus and his disciples are caught in a storm, the disciples are terrified. “Why are you so afraid?”, Jesus asks. This year we’ve been caught in a storm that often seems overwhelming. But we can look to Jesus, who calms the storm and comforts us in our fear. pic.twitter.com/2T1DoCl2mb
— Archbishop of Canterbury (@JustinWelby) November 5, 2020
I can't get on with my day until I know who is president of a country I do not live in.
— Shappi Khorsandi (@ShappiKhorsandi) November 5, 2020
If they both end up with the same number of electoral college votes does it go to a super over? #USElection2020
— Jack Whitehall (@jackwhitehall) November 5, 2020
People follow a fucking maniac who keeps threatening to nuke people on Twitter, yet don't vote for him
People don't follow some dull grandpa account tweeting out messages managed by a team, yet they'll vote for him over the aforementioned fucking maniac
Isn't that interesting🤔 pic.twitter.com/pzPcI40ZfM
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) November 5, 2020
A whole year of waiting for the right moment. Glorious. pic.twitter.com/hzWgdh52tI
— Jacob (@OhHeyJacob) November 5, 2020
What he said… https://t.co/QRbosGB1qE
— The Poke (@ThePoke) November 6, 2020
Even if (when) he loses, Trump can live the rest of his life at Mar a Lago, with full round the clock secret service protection at the US tax payers expense. And given who he owes money to, if I were him I’d be fucking grateful for that.
— Katy Brand (@KatyFBrand) November 6, 2020
The US electoral college system seems very archaic. It's the popular vote that should count. Why don't they use a system like ours where 43.6% of the vote gets you an 80-seat majority and oh.
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) November 6, 2020
Any other test cricket die-hards feel like it’s prepared you for this rolling election coverage?
Seemingly hours of nothing…but within the nothing is EVERYTHING. Unbelievably fascinating.
I’m gonna miss my new CNN friends.
Biden 253 not out. Captain’s innings.
— Greg James (@gregjames) November 6, 2020
One q. What happens when (not if, obvs) he doesn’t concede?
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) November 6, 2020
I mean it’s quite something when the actual US President speaks for 30 minutes and then the anchorwoman has to say ‘we should stress, none of that was true’.
— Mark Watson, much less in your face this week (@watsoncomedian) November 6, 2020
Seriously considering revoking American independence. #USElection2020
— Elizabeth Windsor (@Queen_UK) November 6, 2020
— Elizabeth Windsor (@Queen_UK) November 6, 2020
solution: Truman Show Trump for the rest of his life that he won.
— Al Murray – DKMS.ORG.UK (@almurray) November 6, 2020
man… he called it WORD for WORD. pic.twitter.com/9uBn1Sm8xa
— hector (@onikasgivenchy) November 4, 2020
The fact that a lot of Americans believe in make believe voter fraud because ballots are being counted but don’t believe in Covid even though 110,000 people a day are now getting it and deaths will soon be above 250,000 is a pretty damning indictment of how truly low we’ve fallen
— Josh Gad (@joshgad) November 6, 2020
It's 48 days until Christmas so if you start an advent calendar today you'll finish it bang on time to start another one on December 1st.
— innocent drinks (@innocent) November 7, 2020
I fear 253-213 may now have burned into my TV screen and will be faintly visible during the cricket next year.
— Hugh Laurie (@hughlaurie) November 7, 2020
Not even Royal babies take THIS long….
— Simon McCoy (@BBCSimonMcCoy) November 7, 2020
Does anyone know which is due to finish first between the Presidential election count, The Covid19 pandemic and the DFS sale? #PresidentialElection2020 #COVID19
— Steve Royle (@steveroylecomic) November 7, 2020
This election is reminding how important it is to raise men who can lose, men who can cry and accept and flow forward. Rather than men who have to deny all emotions and reality under toxic illusions of strength, like crumbling colloseums.
— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) November 7, 2020
Date: November 2098
Current News Headlines: Results of the 2020 American election are about to be confirmed.— The Church Sofa (@TheChurchSofa) November 7, 2020
On a golf course somewhere, someone is preparing to approach him with the news.
— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) November 7, 2020
Biden now needs to be a real unifier. (Which hopefully he will, because he seems like a sane man.) And maybe they need to be careful not to poke fun or taunt Trump supporters. However tricky. It only encourages further division. They need to heal and move on. (Idealistic, I know)
— Stacey Dooley (@StaceyDooley) November 7, 2020
BREAKING: Oval Office furniture.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) November 7, 2020
However hard we’re celebrating, no-one is celebrating more than our planet right now. #Election2020 https://t.co/yK1STHDiEG
— David Schneider (@davidschneider) November 7, 2020
America, I’m honored that you have chosen me to lead our great country.
The work ahead of us will be hard, but I promise you this: I will be a President for all Americans — whether you voted for me or not.
I will keep the faith that you have placed in me. pic.twitter.com/moA9qhmjn8
— Joe Biden (@JoeBiden) November 7, 2020
I’ve lived in NYC my whole life and I’ve never seen anything like this pic.twitter.com/KVZakF7F5n
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) November 7, 2020
The sound of NYC right now. pic.twitter.com/q6qa3o4tH6
— Mark Harris (@MarkHarrisNYC) November 7, 2020
Well, the Strictly pre show is getting bigger every week, eh? @bbcstrictly
— Kate Bottley (@revkatebottley) November 7, 2020
So THIS is how the end of a test match is supposed to feel.
— Isy Suttie (@Isysuttie) November 7, 2020
View this post on InstagramPam is a bloody genius #GavinAndStacey
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View this post on InstagramJust a message to the universe this time 😋
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View this post on InstagramI promise I will get back to inspirational quotes soon. Just getting things out of my system.
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View this post on InstagramGod bless the Internet @sainthoax 💙
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View this post on InstagramYou might be hearing a lot of noise and rumors about voter fraud. Here are some facts.
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View this post on InstagramI’m eating ice cream for breakfast! Cheers @joebiden and @kamalaharris 🍦🍦🍦
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